Adult children living back at home

[banhamtom]

Hi there. First post so all advice is very gratefully received.

I have two children, boy and girl, both of whom have moved home after university because they couldn't find the jobs they wanted. My daughter graduated this year and is looking for a job as a microbiologist, but finding it difficult since the NHS are centralising all their labs. While she's looking she's also working at a coffee shop, saving quite a bit of the money but the rest is for her to spend as she sees fit.

My son's older (25) and has been living at home for just over two years now. He's trying to get a job in advertising but has a (not great) English degree and has so far made little headway. He didn't have another job for a long time but is now temping in various offices nearby, but it's very unsatisfying for him. We live in the country and there aren't many towns nearby so I think it's harder for him to find something he'd want to do.

We don't charge either of them rent and although we expect them to be generally neat and tidy, wash their clothes and occasionally cook, they don't have to perform any specific chores around the house. While we're very happy to have them home and they're certainly not a burden, I'm concerned that their lack of independence might make them less ambitious in future. Should we be setting rules for how they live at home? How long is too long and when should we start putting our foot down about them being here? If we think they'd find it easier to get jobs somewhere else, should we maybe subsidise them to move out hoping they'll be standing on their own feet soon?

And in terms of them staying at home, should we be charging them rent? Should they have chores to do? And what do you do about 'overnight guests'? It makes me slightly uncomfortable, but they are grown ups after all...

Sounds like a good plan, banham, you could encourage him to apply for jobs further afield as a starting point, perhaps?

Does he have any friends from uni days living in London with a spare room in a flatshare? Or who would be happy to let him have a bit of a floor space for a week while he did the rounds of the advertising agencies and recruitment companies?

OP from someone living back with their parents- how hard is he looking?

If he wants a graduate job, he needs to be working really hard right now. I'm applying for over 50 jobs a week, going to agency interviews in London a couple of times a week at least, using LinkedIn and making speculative calls to companies I've researched online. Am treating getting a job as a full-time thing.

I've got work experience, a BA and an MA and still haven't found anything. Same for most of my friends. So if he's doing all this, good luck to him. If not, he probably needs to do more. I'd say if he's trying really hard cut him a bit of slack if not make life a little harder for him :P I don't give my parents any housekeeping but do the majority of the cooking and cleaning instead.

I was someone who moved back in with their parents after university, and was floundering a bit, unsure of what to do.

After several months, my parents decided to start charging me rent, so I immediately moved out! I figured, "If I'm going to be paying rent, then I want a place where I am truly independent." (Like many people, I found my parents trying...)

Basically, it forced me to finally get out into the world. I started off temping, and then eventually found something permanent. Have been fully independent for 5 years now :P

when i graduated advertising was the hardest area to get into as it was so competitive. why doesn't he broaden his options and look at marketing jobs? it will still be hard as he will be competing with people who have good business degrees and probably experience. if you live in the country its going to be even harder to get this sort of job locally i would think - vacancies tend to be more common in large cities. is he studying towards any relevant qualifications? is he doing any voluntary work?

my kids do jobs around the house and they are much younger than yours. don't see why they should be excluded just cause they are older.

i have always told my kids that they will pay for their keep once they work. i'm using this as encouragement for them to stand on their own 2 feet and hopefully leave home and become proper adults. i think you are encouraging your kids to remain kids. maybe don't charge rent - but they should at least cover their costs and their share of things like rates, satellite tv etc