My teenage daughter is turning into a bitch. Help me survive

[LovelyMuffins]

She told me to butt out of her life this afternoon. I had collected her from a friends house and told her I saw her boy/friend this afternoon and said hello to him (she was at a friends). That was clearly the wrong thing for me to have done. I said that as he had been in our house and had his tongue down her throat I was quite within my rights as a human being and her mother to say hello to him. She responded by telling me I have no right to say hello and shouting that I should butt out of her life. I was shocked, angry, hurt. I can barely speak to her. I hate this teen stuff. She is fucking horrible sometimes. Also she has started speaking badly and it really really grates on me. She doesn't realise she is doing it - she says. I could quite happily tell her to fuck off. I didn;t think she would be like this. She's selfish, rude and talks to me like I am a useless, stupid lump of shit.

so my teen 14 1/2 has come home and immediately says she hates me, hates her sister, and I have asked her if she would like a cup of tea or needs an advil since she says she hasnt felt well. She then has run down into her room, under her bed, crying hysterically and when I ask if I can come in, get her anything, she tells me to leave her alone. At other times, I would not be worried. It is the length of time this has been going on and the isolation she is creating in our home, in her life in general that concerns me. When do I seek out help from professional therapists if she wont communicate with me?

I could really use some advice/help. I could merrily strangle my 14 nearly 15 year old daughter. She sleeps all day, which I have to admit I'm actually quite thankful for as it means I don't have to deal with her until at least 2 or 3 in the afternoon. She whines constantly. Takes no responsibility for anything; everything is someone else's fault. If we say anything she doesn't like the sound of she will turn her back in the middle of the conversation and stomp upstairs slamming the door as she goes.
She is becoming increasingly overweight as she eats too much and is diabolically lazy. She is struggling terribly with maths but the maths tutor said after 2 lessons there was no point continuing as she refused to engage or apply herself. Se came down to lessons in her pyjama with a face like a bag of hammers and didn't even greet the tutor. She is a nightmare. The problem now is that I am so angry with her I can't bear to be in her company even when she is being relatively normal. Usually this sudden 'niceness' is due to her wanting something, a lift, make up etc. When i point out that her recent behaviour doesn't merit any 'treats' she just shouts at me and stomps back upstairs to her room.
She is settled and happy at school and has a nice set of friends. There are the usual dramas but nothing out of the ordinary. She is just awful at home and quite violent towards her younger sister. Thumping her or slapping her if for instance her sister is watching TV and she wants to watch something else. I can't leave her alone with her younger sister as I can't trust her to not be violent with her.
She is becoming increasingly difficult. I feel like a terrible mother as I have to admit that I really don't like her and I can't wait for her to leave home. She's always been challenging but it is getting worse rather than better. She doesn't get on with her sisters either. Any one else have similar problems? I just worry that maybe there is something I should or could have done to stop the situation spiralling so out of control...

Bunnyhop I think you should start your own thread on this.

Your DD sounds very difficult. My advice would be to pick your battles. If she doesn't want maths tuition then don't force it, it has to come from them. My DD 16 was not good at French, but refused tuition. I didn't force it.

Try to disengage when she is winding you up. Don't rise to the bait. Flow gives really good advice about dealing with difficult teens, I hope she sees your post as she was on the original thread.

Teenagers are rude but in this case, I would ask her how she thinks this boy would have felt if you had totally blanked him, rather than saying hello.

Hi I have been reading the thread and sympathise.
I've had a really upsetting afternoon with my DD who constantly fights with her 4 yr old brother. Then blames it on me, she manages to twist it so that everything is my fault. Today she had me in tears at the beach, I'm trying my best to have a happy family life but she wants to ruin everything we do.
Also my Mum (her grandma) always takes her side against me.
She pushes and pushes until we all end up ratty and I'm in tears or shouting at people.
Sorry to vent. I just so understand how you feel

OP - I am with awbless on this I was also my children's parent and not their friend when they were teenagers. I would not tolerate rudeness, door slamming and they had clear boundaries.

Yes, they kicked off at times, but I stood firm and the message got through. Good luck and take heart.

Redglow my children were / are not perfect, but certain behaviours were not acceptable and I made that consistently clear. DP and I were on the same page with this.

I do accept that being a teen is a time for change, but in my book it is not a time for rudeness either.

Sending you an unMN hug { }.

FrameyMcFrame - in your place, I would be having a quiet word my my DM and asking her to respect my parenting and back me up. Can you speak to your DD when she is a more reasonable mood and explain why she is not to wind up her brother and that this behaviour is not acceptable.

When your DD pushes and pushes, I would just ignore her. Tell her that you are not prepared to speak or listen to her until she speaks in a reasonable way. Walk away, go to another room, on the beach take your 4 year old off for some beach combing, take your control back. Don't let her upset you, it's your holiday and DS holiday as well. Good luck.

TBH, dont sweat the small stuff, pick your battles and win them..I.e. if you have told her to do something (washing up for instance) make sure she does it.

For punishment, make sure you start off small, no TV for today or simular, its no good going in all guns blazing and 'grounding her for the rest of her life' which you generally do if angry, so take some time out to decide what your going to do.

I have a 24 yr old, married
17yr old Girl (gggaaaahhhh)
and 15yr old boy (Grunt grunt)

I reckon sending them up chimneys to clean them is the way forward

Please help.... My daughter is out of control, it was been going on for almost 2 years thought she would grow out of it but it is getting worse, she is rude and disrespectful..but fake when around other people, everyone thinks she is just so sweet. Here mouth is just rude and faul. She cusses at school like a sailor and she is 12.. She is so sexually aggressive my son wont even bring friends around nor do her father and I like bringing friends over.

Tee start a new thread, people will help but at the end of a two year old one they might not notice?

Yeah but none have gone this far. My kid repeats anything I say. Her dad is a real jerk and I got fired from 3 jobs. Any suggestions?

Awbless be as smug as you like. However some parents struggle with the teenage years. Please try and be a tad more supportive rather than posting your smug arsed comments!

OP I've had 5 horrendous years with my DD and I'm a Social Worker. Yes, I see it all BUT sometimes no matter how hard you try teenagers are all individual and unique in their own ways. They can be awful! I know my DD was. It does pass, it's bloody hard and yes it's frustrating. I lost count of the times I really didn't like her behaviour. I was constantly told to "fuck off out of my life" by her. I "didn't understand" and I was the mother from hell (according to her). Now, we have a much better relationship. They can be extremely hurtful, nasty beyond words and have a "fuck you" attitude. There is light at the end of the tunnel, honestly there is. I still wonder how I survived the last few years but I did. You will too ??

I got the whole butt out of my life screamed at me. I had done something ridiculous like dare talk to one of their friends via text. Yes one of their mates text me.
I laughed. This enraged her even more. Telling me to stop laughing. Why was I laughing. I was being so unfair.
I look at her very seriously and told her to calm down and engage her brain. I butt out of her life and I have an easier life. I have one less person to feed and clothe. One less to fill in school permission slips and other things we do as parents. I am laughing because I will have an easier life.

This stopped her in her tracks. You could see her brain going into overdrive thinking about life if I butt out.

Until the next drama.

Screaming and shouting never worked. Remaining very calm and serious did. Sometimes I was very sarcastic with my responses. Sometimes I was so blunt it hurt, but like I said at those times, I aint your mate to lie and tell you how great x,y, or z is.

Framey, you need to tell your mum to leave you and your family alone unless asked. I never did this until it was too late, and this drove a huge wedge between me and one of my children. So much, that the child went to live with the toxic witch. Try and be objective between the two, the younger ones often do annoy the older ones because they always want to be with them etc. It is hard when there is a big age gap. Who winds who up first, it won't always be the same person. Pull them both for it. You are to blame (in her world) because she has this annoying little baby that constantly wants to play with her, talk to her, watch films with her etc and she sometimes wants space and the younger one doesn't understand it fully.

Lovelymuffins, I hope things have improved for you with your dd. If so, would love to know what worked, as I'm in the same position.

Dd is 13 Y9 (young for her year group). To be honest, she has always been a challenge right from the start; she had incredible toddler tantrums and has been a handful at school when she's not been challenged enough. At primary school, she was at her best with the teachers who really kept her busy (other kids didn't necessarily get on with those teachers, but it worked for her). If she disliked a teacher, I would find that she stole things from them, e.g. phones etc, even though she knows right from wrong - she was just angry.

Now she tells me to fuck off, as I'm interfering in her life. Some moments are good and she enjoys a cuddle in front of a chic flit or going for a walk together, but mention that she looks better without makeup, ought to revise for exams, let me know before she arranges to go out with friends in case we're doing something different etc and I get the storm.

DS is so much easier. I agree with lovelymuffins that their personality is with them from the start. Some parents here have come across as smug, but really they haven't had as much input as they would like to think.

Now she's really messing about at school and doesn't care about detentions, when a few years ago she thrived on learning and was praised for it.

Oh joy.

Lovelymuffins my heart goes out to you as for the couple of people who are quick to blame the parents God forbide yours dont turn on you as well , we try and bring up our kids right but once the hormones kick in it affects them in different ways my mum always told me i became quiet and shy unlike my dd she is totally the opposite .

So glad to find this discussion!
I have no kids of my own, but have been dating a widower for a year who has 2 teenage daughters. The 17 year old is lovely, the 14 year old is a Jeckle and Hyde. We are thinking of moving in together, and have just been on a one week away holiday to test the waters, particularly with the 14 year old.
We booked a very expensive villa, and we have both been at their beck and call all week (both in action and financially). To say it has been a horror holiday would be an understatement!
The 14 year old told both my partner and myself to F off on several occasions, she also calls him by his first name rather than dad in a sarcastic tone which I find incredibly offensive. She was on her phone 24/7, including when out to dinner, and was only ever happy for the first 10 minutes of going somewhere while she did a 'photo shoot' and then became sullen and abusive again.
We gave the girls the best room with ensuite in the villa, but she wanted to use our bathroom as it had a bath, and each time threw my things on the floor, which got soaked in the process. She also barged in shouting on several occasions to our room early in the morning without knocking, which as we were sleeping seemed an invasion of space. (Most days she didn't wake up until 10, but these episodes would be around 6am)
I am at the end of my tether, and have no idea what to do. I am a teacher, so am used to dealing with teenagers, but this is different. I am gentle and kind with her, and always put the girls first.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Really need help or advice my 12 year daughter is out of control I don't know what to do any more she is making me ill. I am a mum of 4 and my 12 year old daughter is the most challenging one I've had to deal with . She is allwAys trying to pick a fight with me , she does what she wants and when she wants , I've tryed everything nothing works she tells me she will smash me up with a hammer if I take her vapour. Away she puffs on it in her room I don't like it she has slice her arms with a razors she don't go to school and when she do she bunks off. I've got the welfare officer involved at this time threatening me , she won't get the bus to school so I need to take her even tho the bus stop is right out side my house , she makes me late for wk . I also have a 15month little boy who I got to drag out . Her tempter is our of control if I try to punish her she will smash things storm out slam doors she even caught my Little boys finger in the door and didn't care. My partner try's and she told him to go and fuck himself . I always stand up for her as she is my daughter I've asked her dad for help but that's a waste of time I've asked social services the school and no one will help . Social services said unless she really harms her self they can't give me support but I thought slicing her arms is , she will fight with me I really can't cope no more but no one will help I went to a family medicter and they said she needs more help and referred me again to social services and yet again nothing . I feel like giving up .

Hi, I can empathise as in exactly the same boat for me too. Have this rude, insolent teen and same with everyone else. Just told me to foff as try to encourage her off her phone to help me in garden and will get pocket money. Just want to book into a hotel to be honest. Nightmare.
Treated badly my whole life fed up. Thinking of putting her in boarding school if can find one. She does well at school just lazy & unbearable at home. It is hell. Need to get rid of stuff as well.

Yes can empathise re holiday. All wants to do is be on phone/iPad or out with friends. It is addictive like cocaine. I try to manage the house badly & trying to do other things. Went away last weekend that was great. Want to do more but the cost.

Maybe you embarrassed her? She didn't like the thought of her mum and her boyfriend being in contact without her there to mediate and then you referenced her physical/ sexual life and she got upset ... chill

And tbh you sound v harsh - pushing her away when she wants a hug , that's her tryi to express that she's sorry and loves you and you're rejecting that

I really empathize.

I found the tiredness, hunger thing true. I think at this stage I have resolved myself to the conclusion that I can no longer set boundaries with my dear daughter all I can do is ring fence and keep the younger siblings in check. I have always pulled her up about rudness and or disrespect. The problem I have is Daddy sitting on fence and not backing up. Rudness is directed at me because I am the only one bothered about tirdness, gadgets, over age content. I find it incredibly hard. I get all the abuse while he enjoys watching TV with her every night. You can say that thier relationship is really good whearas I get all the flack. I have three other younger children. I feel sad things turned out like this.