My teenage daughter is turning into a bitch. Help me survive

[LovelyMuffins]

She told me to butt out of her life this afternoon. I had collected her from a friends house and told her I saw her boy/friend this afternoon and said hello to him (she was at a friends). That was clearly the wrong thing for me to have done. I said that as he had been in our house and had his tongue down her throat I was quite within my rights as a human being and her mother to say hello to him. She responded by telling me I have no right to say hello and shouting that I should butt out of her life. I was shocked, angry, hurt. I can barely speak to her. I hate this teen stuff. She is fucking horrible sometimes. Also she has started speaking badly and it really really grates on me. She doesn't realise she is doing it - she says. I could quite happily tell her to fuck off. I didn;t think she would be like this. She's selfish, rude and talks to me like I am a useless, stupid lump of shit.

You and me both Muffins. DD argues every point, every time. No is my favourite word. Do not let the smuggery on this thread get you down - Let's go down the garden to eat worms

I am loving your advice awbless storing it all away for the future.

I thought he'd have gone already tbh awbless, but it's been 4mths.

I probably won't need to speak to him tbh, just a look will be enough lol.

I told her she looked like a cheap slapper too harsh ??

So glad I'm past the teen stage with both mine now, especially DD.

Have you had the old cliche 'I never asked to be born'? I got that one daily.

What about 'you've had your life. Now it's my turn.' Said, not by my dd to me, but by me to my own dm when she wouldn't let me go out one evening.

lovelymuffins, you're not shit. Being the parent of teenagers can be very hard, and it's not you (I'm about 90% sure of this because you're on here looking for advice) it's them! My friend K, who is a children's social worker with almost 30 years' experience (and she's married to another children's SW too, so between them they know a LOT about problems with kids!) talks about children and young people who are 'complex characters'... Some kids are just more difficult challenging fkng impossible complex than others... Just like some adults, if you think about it.

Parents tend to think that their children's good behaviour is to their credit, and their bad behaviour is their fault. IMO, this is about 2% true. The other 98% of children's behaviour is down to the children themselves. (So I don't think awbless is smug, but I do think she's a bit deluded Sorry awbless!) There are thousands of parents out here who can prove it, because they have two or more children with entirely different habits and behaviours (Personally, I have one son who is more-or-less delinquent and another who is not far off being an angel in human form ) Parents can claim credit, but they're fooling themselves imo... Also, of course, behaviour changes over time - and 14 seems a low-point for many.

That book wellwisher recommends (I'd recommend it too) says the most useful thing I have ever heard about parenting 'difficult' teens: it says you get to a point where you can't stop them - they have to stop themselves - but you can continue to influence them by giving consistent 'moral messages'. So for instance I find myself saying things like "It is not acceptable for you to talk to me like that" and "I can't stop you doing X, but it is still wrong, so you need to stop yourself"...

You are right about needing to find ways to survive. None of the 'parenting strategies' in the known universe will stop a 14 yo swearing at you if s/he is that way inclined (or lying, breaking promises, taking drugs, stealing, etc.)... But a coffee with friends or an hour in the sauna or some other treat will help you deal with it all more calmly and constructively.

my dsis has just been through 2 years of hell with her dd - it started like this, then when a few bad things happened to my niece, instead of her parents being able to help it turned into all-out war.

The thing she found most helpful - too late to be of use, but made her feel like someone had been living in her life - was a teen girl book called "Princess Bitchface" - she'd avoided it for years because of the title and now wishes she'd read it when her dd was about 11.

might be worth a try?

Oh, and another useful thought, from another friend of mine, who said... Stropping teenagers are like hurricanes. When a hurricane starts, you don't think "oh, I must stop this hurricane" or "I'm such a failure cos I can't"... You batten down the hatches or take shelter under the table, make sure you and small children and animals are safe, and wait for it to pass! AND IT DOES PASS!

Next time your daughter wants

A lift to a mates house
pocket money
etc etc

reminder her you have butted out of her life

Don't sweat the small stuff only think about the bigger stuff and don't take it to heart

this is all great advice and support, thank you. ivykaty44 = I have had to remind of that already! I am a lone parent too (widowed 2 years ago). I think I bent a lot once we had lost dh as I felt a duty to provide and over compensated with material things and saying 'yes'. This evened out a while ago but the aftershock is coming through now! I am going to stand firm, remind myself that I am in charge here and refer to this thread often. I have ordered the book and it is on its way!

Nutcracker I got a lovebird when I was 14 and my mother screamed at me that I was a whore!

This started a huge row between her and my dad. I never felt so bad in my life. I never got another one but I've never forgiven my mum either. I still feel hurt about it.

As long as you didn't scream and rage and explained in a measured way you'll get your point across.

Very good post flow.

Oh I am joining in with your angst.
Dd is nealy 16 and had a huge meltdown last night because her phone wasn't working, which was THE END OF THE WORLD.

Swearing, telling me nobody likes me, throwing things.
Then half an hour later she sidles in weeping, saying sorry, how much she loves me.

We are older parents too, and dh and I have lots of arguments about parentin. He won't let the small stuff go, whereas I have learned to pick my battles ( thanks MN!)

I was an awful awful teen. I spoke to my mum like she was worthless, my poor mum.

My mum didn't want to be too strict because she thought that I would rebel. The truth was I was crying out for boundaries. It would appear that I was allowed to get away with anything and I found it a very difficult confusing time.

I think if someone had told me that I was a selfish bitch and and asked me how I was feeling I might have been better. But who knows I'm no longer 15 and it is difficult to look back at the situation with the benefit of experience.

All the teenage girls in my family have been pretty vile, whereas the boys seemed to go through the teenage bit relatively unscathed (hoping it will be the same with my two). I look at my teenage nieces and I am amazed that their behaviour seems to be tolerated. We were at a family meal recently and my niece had a huge strop because she had forgotten her mobile phone, refused to order any food, her mother then drove 15 miles to retrieve the mobile so her daughter could text throughout the meal and put photos of crispy fried duck pancakes on Facebook.

I am not looking forward to the teenage years.

You sound like a great parent lovely muffins. As flow rightly says if it was down to bad parenting all the children in one family would be a nightmare.

We can only do what we think is right there is not a right way to bring up children and teenagers what works for one does not work for all it's trial and error.

well dd has been very contrite since her outburst. She does realise how much she hurt me and what was ironic was that the girl we were collecting when she yelled at me lost her Mum when she was 3. I told her that there are some people who would give anything to have a Mum in their lives. I think that may have broiught it home a bit. who knows. Anyway, she has asked if we can do something together soon and apologised. I feel much better. Until the next outburst..........!

That's great lovely muffins. Obviously doing something right.

It's the hormones.
We have fun in our house as I am menopausal

Mrs RobertDuval - I think I am too!

My dd finds me horribly embarrassing, she's such a miserable child, just like her dad.
Glass not even half full, it's empty and cracked. She's depressing to be with 2 weeks out of 6 due to hormones.

Sigh

Where's my wonderful dd who used to love me gone?

She will come back . My daughter was awful she is now nineteen and lovely. From twelve to fifteen was a nightmare.

you are giving me hope! I know my lovely daughter is in there somewhere. I see it shining through. I think i almost have to remove myself from how she is and remember how she was. Also, it helps to remember that they cannot help it!

I've read this thread with great interest, my daughter is coming up to 21, and still a bitch!

She has recently moved out, and appears to have very strange rules regarding behaviour and social skills.

ie, She never contacts us, unless she needs something, yet calls us names because 'communication goes both ways.

She states on fb that none of her family care about her, and that I have lost a daughter.

She lies just about all the time, and has missed both fathers day, and a major family birthday this weekend, which is apparently my fault, because I was meant to be giving her a lift! Erm, first I've heard about that!

She now has her absent parent father involved, and he has asked me if we can talk.
As she is nearly 21, I have no obligation to discuss her with him, especially as she left home of her own accord, and he only gets involved if there is a drama to be had. Shan't be returning THAT text!

We have had to deal with so many situations for so many years, that we are now quite weary of the whole thing, and at a total loss. Needless to say, her brother is the nicest creature you could wish to meet. (apart from at 7am!).

These threads make me realise that we are not on our own dealing with these issues, and that although we neither want nor invite the shitty behaviour, it comes regardless, it's how we handle it that matters.

As whatever we do regarding our daughter (I've been married to her stepdad since she was 4, she is classed as 'our' daughter) is clearly wrong in her eyes, I have decided to watch from a distance.
If I contact her, she is defensive and abusive, despite there being no argument that led to her leaving home, and if I don't contact her, I clearly don't care.
Just no middle ground, and I can't do right for doing wrong, so I have decided not to react anymore to her selfish and manipulative behaviour.

We came to the conclusion quite a while ago that we just have to leave her to go and sort herself out, and in time, she will come good. Personally, I think it will be a good decade away, but I do like to keep positive....

Chin up ladies!

My daughter changed when she fell in love.! I am sure you will get close again.

DD1 has been wonderful as a young teen, while DD2 was a disaster (seriously, really really hard work). DD2 (nearly 18) is sorting herself out lovely at the moment, while DD1 got more and more obnoxious and demanding till I gave her the ultimatum of shaping up or shipping out: she moved her stuff to her fathers this last weekend, and I am currently trying to figure out how to maintain the good aspects of that relationship (which was wonderful till a year ago) with the less positive recent behaviours. I think she really is at the point where she needs to be "away" to be able to remember that we love each other, so I am hoping the move will be a positive thing.
That said, the people who have wonderful children and zero tolerance policies for rudeness: I'd love to know how you would have handled some of the really vile stuff that DD2 threw at me. Let alone some of the seriously concerning stuff she threw at herself. It's all very well having a zero tolerance policy for behaviour that is never ever tested: I had no problems with that approach with DD1 but the same responses to DD2's behaviour nearly left me with a dead daughter....