More of a WWYD...DS trying to annoy me.

[LynetteScavo]

OK, I annoyed him first. His school report wasn't very good, but not awful. Basically he is academic, but lazy. His report included the levels he is working at now, and also includes a sheet to show the expected GCSE results for whatever level they are working at now (He's just finished Y8). DS, if he keeps putting in minimum effort will achieve mostly B's.

Over dinner, I casually suggested he may want to put in a bit more effort next year, in order to eventually get A's in his GCSEs. He has mentioned he would like to study law, which he would be really good at, because he only needs to read something once, and remembers it. (The issue is getting him to actually read it in the first place). Can you even study law if you only bet B's and C's at GCSE? I take it a RG uni is ruled out?

So, he stomped off, started playing the play station in the living room, then really stormed off to his bedroom and was crashing and banging around. As I was in the room directly below, I went half way up the stairs and called "DS, that's rather loud downstairs." He than started moving lots of stuff around, making a really big din, obviously to annoy me.

So, what does a good mother do when teenage boys try, and are very successful, in annoying them?

I sometimes think that I spent their early years instilling good manners and behaviour and then sat back and reaped the rewards when they were lovely 8 to 12 year olds.
Then they turn into Kevin the teenager and you have to work out a new strategy.

I'd say this calls for the "serious talk" scenario. Announce that you and his father need to have a serious talk about something important. Sit him down and spell out what is wrong with his behaviour and his attitude to school, what you expect him to do and what will happen next. I am of the carrot school of parenting but if you prefer the stick that's for you. I would promise rewards for improving his behaviour and grades. (I know lots of posters say success is a reward in itself but I'm not sure that would motivate a lazy 14 year old).

I wouldnt be too bothered at this stage.btw,I have got boys and understand your frustration.
Butr your son is in the very fortunate position of clearly being very bright.
I would have a word with school at the beginning of next term to find out what grades are needed to get from GCSEs to A Levels in the subjects he would need to do.
Its really all about getting to the next level.Even if he underachieves at GCSE,but manages to get accepted to do the A level subjects he needs,that should be ok.
At some stage,and I have seen it often at the beginning of A level tudy,they realise that others did better than them at GCSE,when they know they are brighter,and this is often enough for them to pull their socks up,so long as they havent got in with "the wrong crowd" along the way.

Oh,and its end of term,,so he will be needing a break.I used to be a bit laid back at end of term with my kids,as they all went crazy moody.

I have told him he will be moving bedrooms to share with his 9yo brother. (First I suggested it, if he didn't stop crashing), then DS1 said "well you haven't done it the last 6 times you threatened". So I've told him he will be moving rooms next week.

DD (7) who is currently sharing with DS 2 will have her own room.

It will mean DS1 has to go to bed at 8pm instead of staying up untill 10pm.

I'm making a rod for my own back aren't I!?

Oh, and I did say he would get an ipod touch if his engagement scores were above 4 (out of 5) this term. The were 3. something, which was not good enough to to on the school trip (he needed to have above 4) but he tells me above 3 is OK with school.

I'm feeling extra cross, because DS2 and DD who are not so academic came home with school reports telling me how hard they have tried this year, and how much improvement they have made.

I really, really love DS1 far too much. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't care how he was doing at school, would give him no hassle, and we would all be happy. As it is, he thinks I nag because I hate him.

Even if DS1 was sent to bed at 8pm,I dont think that at his age,he is going to be able to get to sleep till a lot later.
Personally I never did the present thing for grades,but I appreciate each family does it differently.
I would at some stage during the holidays,when things are calm,look at some stuff online about law.
Careers books at the library,looked at casually together,if that is possible,can be helpful too.
He does probably know that you love him,but I wouldnt put much pressure on him at this stage.
It really is all about stages.Doing well enough at GSCE to do the required A Levels.Doing well enough and a few other things which you would need to check on nearer the time,to get to the Uni etc.
At the end of the day,he has to do it because he wants to.
Right now I suggest you all have a lovely time together this summer.

You're not really going to make him go to bed at 8pm are you?

You can't mak him go to bed at 8.00!

I haven't really thought this through.

DH is currently converting the loft into DS2's bedroom, but because he's doing it on his own, two days a week it's not happening quickly. DS2 really doesn't want to share with DD.

DS1 needs likes to stay up far to late to share with DS2.

This will be the 7th time I have threatened DS1 shared with DS2, and it hasn't happened. (Apparently)

Why are you alternately bribing and threatening? You do know you have lost all 'power' in the relationship don't you? Your son is not going to have an ounce of respect for you if you have been threatening to make him share, and haven't followed through! You KNOW he isn't going to go to bed at 8pm.. so again what is the point of saying it?

Also.. why in god's name are you bribing him with items like an ipod for yr 8 stuff? Can't wait to see what you will have to offer by the time he is actually yr 11.. his own yacht?!!!!!

Take a big step back.. your job is to encourage him, provide a safe, suitable environment to do any work that he is set and to love him.. not to bribe and threaten! Especially if he is only yr 8 now.. you haven't got anywhere near the full force of teenage attitude and hormones yet!

Move rooms.. he needs it to happen. Ignore the huffing and stomping (way more of that to come ..I can say that with certainty as the mother of 4 teens..) and step back a bit.

Incidentally you are right about Law tho.. he WOULD need very good GCSEs (and A levels) to go to a decent university and there is no point studying Law at a crappy one (but it is a bit early to be worrying about his career just yet!!!)

Chill :D

Lynette, I would try not to worry too much about school grades at this stage. Secondary school is a long game, and you have to try and get your kids to peak at the right time (i.e. Year 11). I don't think it is possible for them to have an excellent year every year. I'm also not sure that linking current performance to University places is going to get you far at this stage.

My DS (now 17) went through a phase in year 8 & 9 where he would do the bare minimum of work, and I knew he could do better. However, he found choosing Options for GCSE very empowering and got his act together in years 10 & 11. Good grades at GCSE (2A*, 8A, 2B), now studying for AS Levels and looking to study Maths at Uni.

I guess I'm saying you should go easy on him (and make sure you follow through with the bedroom thing if you've threatened to do it, even if only for a short while)

I would happily sell the house and buy him a yacht if he actually put in some effort.

Everyone says I should back off.

No one thought I would go through with the pregnancy. No one thought I would give up work and my social life so I could spent every second of his pre-school life with him. No one thought I would move across town to get him into the school I thought suited him best. No one thought I would end up taking him to seven (yes 7!) ed psychs, to make sure we haven't missed any underlying SN (after number 7 I am willing to agree). I would walk over hot coals every day for the rest of my life for this boy. He has been "challenging" since the moment he was born. I am his mother, I cannot, and will not ever give up on him. But stepping back is so, so fecking hard. Yes, I know he has no respect for me. Luckily I have some how managed to get it right with the younger two DC.

We have alternately threatened, bribed and rewarded since he was 4 and decided he would not be patched for his "lazy" eye, and would not go to school.

Thank you MaryZ.

And sorry, for that last, ridiculous rant.

I think you're putting too much pressure on him with high expectations and I think a bed time of 8pm for a 14 year old is ridiculous, sorry.

Oh, for heavens sake I'm not going to force him to lie down and sleep at 8pm, (They younger two are still giggling up there now!). The worst case scenario would be that DS2 fell asleep in my bed What usually happens now) or DS1 would be downstairs with us.

I made a flip comment while in a rage. Whether I follow it through, and work around the situation, or wait until DH has built the loft room I don't know.

Yes, Maryz, I too need some sun!

I would get him to do the research on law at uni himself, and work out his own plan of action!

I was thinking, do you know he is actually academic?

could he actually struggle at school and put on a front, ?

I struggled at school and if my mum had 'casually mentioned I try harder' I would have gone ape s*t and it would have reall pushed me over the edge.

maryz, what would us mums of boys do without you, you talk sense!

op, one thing I'm getting is you seem to feel ds1 should value the fact you put your life on hold for him and walked over coals (your words I think)...boys of 14 dont really care about his...you sound a bit too needy...is this making him push you away?

Yes, I do know he is academic. It's socially he tends to struggle.

I am probably a bit as I wasn't, and think if I was as able as him, the world would have been at my feet.

Yes, he doesn't care what I've done for him, and never will. I forget children can be like this, as my other two appreciate what DH and I do for them, say thank you, tell us they love us, etc. DS1 doesn't "give back" like they do. I guess we are just very lucky with the younger DC, and it makes DS1 seem ungrateful in comparison, when really he's just plodding along.

Reading the OP back it really sounds like he didn't do much yesterday, but he really was quite horrendous.

DH reminded me again that DS goes to school, and there was a time when we never thought that would happen, so I shouldn't get too worked up about what he does, or doesn't do, when he's there.

I think I might plan a weekend away, just with DS1, so we can do a bit of bonding.

Lynette, I think you might be setting yourself up to get hurt... I think you maybe need to get used to the fact that your DS1 is growing up and growing away, not in a horrible way - just naturally. IMO, he isn't unappreciative because of his personality, but because he is 14 :) I betcha (or I would, if we knew each other in Real Life) that your other lovely younger children will also be unappreciative by the time they reach 14!

I am afraid the more you try to draw him back to you, the more he will pull away. It's sad, but it's natural - it's what's supposed to happen. It is especially hard on mums who have invested so much in their children - as you describe yourself doing. You feel you have done so much, and then they just dump you go and grow up despite all your best efforts as you wish they wouldn't know they are supposed to, really

Honestly Lynette, if you don't back off a bit, I'm afraid you are very likely to get hurt: if you don't let him go, you will force him to fight you and even reject you :(

It doesn't sound to me like you need to arrange a weekend away with him for a 'bit of bonding'... It sounds like you maybe need a weekend away with some of your friends... And perhaps you could offer to book him into some all-singing, all-dancing adventure activity holiday (if that's his thing) on his own so you can practice being away from him he can gain a bit of independence, to prepare him for being more self-motivated at school next year :)