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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

More of a WWYD...DS trying to annoy me.

59 replies

LynetteScavo · 19/07/2012 18:39

OK, I annoyed him first. His school report wasn't very good, but not awful. Basically he is academic, but lazy. His report included the levels he is working at now, and also includes a sheet to show the expected GCSE results for whatever level they are working at now (He's just finished Y8). DS, if he keeps putting in minimum effort will achieve mostly B's.

Over dinner, I casually suggested he may want to put in a bit more effort next year, in order to eventually get A's in his GCSEs. He has mentioned he would like to study law, which he would be really good at, because he only needs to read something once, and remembers it. (The issue is getting him to actually read it in the first place). Can you even study law if you only bet B's and C's at GCSE? I take it a RG uni is ruled out?

So, he stomped off, started playing the play station in the living room, then really stormed off to his bedroom and was crashing and banging around. As I was in the room directly below, I went half way up the stairs and called "DS, that's rather loud downstairs." He than started moving lots of stuff around, making a really big din, obviously to annoy me.

So, what does a good mother do when teenage boys try, and are very successful, in annoying them?

OP posts:
Original poster
LynetteScavo · 20/07/2012 18:00

"pick the positive as much as you can"

This will be my mantra for the next six weeks.

And I am sooo tempted to go away for the weekend with him just so I can report back to you all how great it was. Grin

OP posts:
TheOneWithTheHair · 20/07/2012 18:31

My dad tried that with me Lynette. I was a very unruly 17yr old at the time. I pretended to listen and consider what he said but I didn't really. It didn't make the blindest bit of difference. Sorry to burst your bubble.

TheOneWithTheHair · 20/07/2012 18:32

Sorry. I meant about the weekend away.

flow4 · 20/07/2012 18:36

I'm sure it would be great :) Or at least, I'm prepared to take your word for it ;)
By all means go and have a lovely bonding time with him... But then be prepared for him to be extra-horrible some time afterwards, as he tries to reassert his independence... And watch out for feeling especially hurt and rejected when he is Hmm... And then watch yourself try to draw him closer again... And watch him be horrible...
Or maybe that was just me and my DS1, til I wised up Grin

mamakubica · 20/07/2012 18:41

does it really matter that much if he goes to a RG university or not?

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 20/07/2012 19:14

I think going to a RG uni would open up more employment opportunities to him.

I am soooo not going to suggest what I think he should study, or where, as I know he would do the absolute opposite. He's has always been very into cars, and until recently wanted to do something to do with designing cars. One day said he was going to Google and learn every law and regulation in the UK (or something) just because he wanted to know them all- I said "I think that's otherwise known as doing a law degree" - he then realised how much lawyers earn, and decided that's what he'd do. I am making no comment.

He's very good at physics, although he says he doesn't like maths (although he's naturally talented at it, apparently). I think the two need to go together, don't they.

Sorry, I forgot, I need to chill.

OP posts:
happygolucky0 · 20/07/2012 19:14

hello

I agree with Flow4. re the age thing and your younger children. I think you are going abit hard on him myself. (or maybe I am just a soft touch!!) I personally think that too much pressure from parents to do well with marks at school could be a rocky path. Not saying that they shouldn't be encouraged and helped and supported. My son does well at school. I talked to him about his report and told him he has done well. (not perfect, but well)
It must be quite hard at school for them and to expect perfection I think is high stardards for anyone to reach!! I think he was probably upset as he didnt reach the reward and also hasn't been able to please you.
Why don't you try some compromising and get him to do abit of study over the hoildays in exchange for the reward that he wanted but didnt manage to get at the end of the hoilday.
As for the room I would do it, or he sn't going to believe that you mean what you say in the future.

mamakubica · 20/07/2012 19:24

Sorry, I forgot, I need to chill. you really do!

Annunziata · 20/07/2012 19:29

I think we have the same DS1, if it helps! Except mine is rather too good at social situations. I was the same as you for his prelim results and then DH wouldn't let me intervene any more. So he didn't do as well as he thought in his SGs, which kicked him up the backside and made him do some work for the rest.

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 20/07/2012 19:31

Studying over the holidays? Shock Grin Noooooo!

I will stick a few books in his room, and he'll probably read them, and he like to go and look at "interesting places" (museums)) Hmm but generally we like to seriously chill over the summer.

OP posts:
mamakubica · 20/07/2012 19:37

your son sounds like a good boy,cut him some slack.
If it is any comfort my son has also just finished year 8, refuses to do any work at all, has been referred to a unit for naughty boys, and right now is out smoking weed. Feel any better now?

TheonlyWayisGerard · 20/07/2012 19:37

I was like your DS tbh. Academic but lacked drive. I ended up with a couple of A* grades but mainly Cs. Did better at A Level because I was doing subjects I loved and got three As. I also got into an RG university to study law. I guess I'm trying to say that B grades are not the end of the world. A levels are more important, and hopefully he might do much better if it's subjects he's passionate about.

norahjonesisnotmyname · 20/07/2012 19:53

he then realised how much lawyers earn, and decided that's what he'd do

Perhaps this is why he doesn't feel motivated, choosing a career because of the potential earnings probably won't create a motivation to do well the same as choosing a career because it's what he really loves doing. He doesn't want it badly enough. Just my opinion of course :)

ssd · 20/07/2012 19:56

op, what do you mean you thought he wouldn't go to school?

is there something serious going on, or is it him saying he hates school.something I hear all the time

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 20/07/2012 21:10

He school refused, point blank refused to go a few years ago. Cue change of school (best thing we ever did!) several exclusions, ed psychs, CAHMs, anger management, (and every alternative therapy known to man. Grin)

We are mostly in a good place now, but I know he has the potential to suddenly kick of and be very destructive if he becomes upset/frustrated. I won't go into what he has done in the past. This does tend to make me a bit control freaky every time he has a stop. Crashing could easily be totally trashing his room, and I mean totally .

Last week CAHMs said although he has lots of Aspergers traits, they don' t want to give him a label, as they don't feel it would be useful. We have another apt with them in August, as I couldn't go to the last one, and I think they want to sign him off.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 20/07/2012 22:12

Ah,that puts your first post into a bit more perspective.it makes it more understandable why you got upset about him making a lot of noise.
Glad you are mostly in a good place now.

seeker · 20/07/2012 22:38

Might there have been just a touch of drip feeding there? Just a touch?

mamakubica · 20/07/2012 22:45

what is drip feeding?

Maryz · 20/07/2012 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamakubica · 20/07/2012 23:10

ooh maryz that does sound good.....
please keep me posted.
honestly with all this talk of high fliers and RG uni's, I cannot be alone in my kid having issues about alchohol and drugs, can I?? can I???
then those MNers with tiny but brilliant kids, I can just give a hollow laugh....yeh mine is brilliant too, just hates hates hates school.
I used to think educational achievement was important. I have recently realised that it comes far behind most other things in life - happiness, health, family all matter much, much more wise words Marys...
why is everyone so anxious about school? so that our kids can stay in the middle class? what?

Maryz · 20/07/2012 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamakubica · 20/07/2012 23:24

thanks maryz

flow4 · 20/07/2012 23:34

Nope, you're not alone mama :(
Personally, I think many of the kids who are smoking dope are doing it to self-medicate/sedate themselves, so they can cope with being in school. For my son, it was his way of (a) getting himself to sit still when his natural urge was to climb things and run around, and (b) dealing with the boredom :( But that's a whole other subject...

Lynette, you seem to be equating "backing off from" with "giving up on" your DS. They are not the same at all. In fact, backing off is what you must do, if you want your son to achieve... He won't learn to do things for himself if you always stay in control.

Witco · 20/07/2012 23:41

Maryz, sign me up for that thread please!

amillionyears · 21/07/2012 07:17

Lynette,he needs to be given the tools to learn how to eventually,successfully,fly from the nest.
Because that is what you want for him,at 18 years of age,dont you?
That is only 4 or 5 years away.
Even if he gos,you can still keep in contact,help him move in,help him with his own paperwork,show him how to cope with finances etc etc.

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