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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Looks like my boy has lost his place at uni. SO upset.

28 replies

PoshPaula · 06/07/2012 16:06

My DS is aged 19 and he was a bit of an under-achiever at school - bright, but lazy. Always popular, and good-natured, and stylish etc. He does a bit of modelling (is signed to an agency) and is really sociable. Very outgoing. I was always worried that he was a bit feckless and never worked at anything, really, but I had faith that he'd be okay somehow. He started an Art Foundation course last Autumn and did well in his first term - he had achieved an A* in the subject at sixth form college and was enjoying Foundation. Imagine my delight and utter excitement when he was offered a conditional offer to study BA Fine Art (Photography) at Central Saint Martins!!! Since then he sorted out his place in halls, sorted his finance, I did notice that he disappeared to stay with friends for long periods but I trusted that he was attending college.... now he has told me that he has been referred, he hasn't passed Foundation, and he is unlikely to be accepted at CSM.

I am so upset I can't stop crying. I feel so disappointed. I also feel ashamed. (I've been a single mum to him and worked full time throughout; he and I have always had a good relationship).

He is worried now and upset but he admits he hardly attended college for the past few months. Has anyone else experienced a similar situation? I would appreciate some support and advice!

OP posts:

Mrsjay · 06/07/2012 16:11

You know a degree isnt everything don't be ashamed He sounds like a good kid maybe uni/college wasnt for him or the course, He did lie you and i would be annoyed at that but he probably didnt want to let you down.
what does he want to do with his life ? I guess you just need to let him live it now let him earn his own way and maybe he will go back to a course that he likes,

Original poster

PoshPaula · 06/07/2012 16:16

Thanks Mrsjay. He wanted to go to uni though! That's all he has ever expressed an interest in (apart from a vague desire to be rich and famous).

He's hopeless at anything practical. He's not business-minded at all. I do agree with you that a degree isn't everything, and uni isn't right for all kids, but in his case... I can't think of what he'll do (apart from apply for benefits).

OP posts:

fluffyanimal · 06/07/2012 16:19

At least he has admitted where he went wrong. Perhaps this will have been the wake-up call he needed. Ask him to find out the full implications of referral at his institution. There may be some kind of hearing at which he is asked to put his side of the case either in person or in writing. This may determine whether or not he can still be allowed resits. If this is down to him not attending or doing the work, then it may go in his favour if he just humbly admits he wasn't mature enough. If there are any mitigating circumstances (including anything he hasn't told you about), tell him to get evidence now e.g doctor's letters.

If it is the end of the line at this particular college, maybe he can get onto another course through Clearing this August? If not, knuckle down, get a job and reapply in the autumn.

Original poster

PoshPaula · 06/07/2012 16:23

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.

There weren't any exams for Foundation, it was pass/fail on portfolio, so it is due to not doing the work (he knows this). I hadn't thought of the mitigating circumstances point. Yes also there is clearing. I'll check about that.

OP posts:

Frontpaw · 06/07/2012 16:23

Do you know what happened? What is his portfolio like - he may squeek through on that, especially if he is confident and personable. Art courses are a bit more forgiving of exam results if someone has talent and can apply themselves. If he just went a bit girl crazy, then I am sure they will understand and give him the benefit of the doubt.

Can he resit and apply next year? Does he want to?

He may just need time to mature before going to art school. I went back to do another degree in my 20s (graphics) and most folk there were mature students who had gone off and done something else before coming back to study. I definately did a better job of it than had I done it for my first degree - if you study arts, it helps to have some life experience, as there is nothing worse than some lecturer asking you to produce something that has 'gritty depths' when you have just come out of school and your mum still buys your undies.

ExitPursuedByABear · 06/07/2012 16:26

There was another thread yesteday from someone whose DD had failed her first year at Uni. OliviaMN was on it so if you search her name you should be able to find it. Lots of good advice on there.

Frontpaw · 06/07/2012 16:26

Can he go and grovel to his tutor? If he can come up with a plausable explanation (and it sounds like he has the talent) then a good word may well help (especially if he knows someone on the course). He will need to make it good, as it is hard to get on these courses and competition is high.

Original poster

PoshPaula · 06/07/2012 16:35

I take your point, Frontpaw - when I did Art at uni I started at 18 and the mature students did do much better. That's quite comforting at least.

He would have been boy crazy, not girl crazy though!!!

I will find that thread you mention, Exit.

Am still completely gutted though.

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Frontpaw · 06/07/2012 16:45

So he needs:

Firstly, a hard boot up the bum from you.
To go and grovel like mad to head of the faculty (and ask him/her what Plan B can be for next year).
Find something to do until he can apply again (if he is still keen) so try to be a photographers monkey - probably unpaid, but good practical experience - whilst experimenting on his own art.
Get some other things in his portfolio (mine was mainly photographic but I also did some 3-D stuff to show that he can try different things). I also dabbled in hand tinting black and white shots.

Is there a photography club or co-op local to you that he can join? They sometimes put on shows, which are good experience. Plus he could try to persuade local shops, clubs, cafes to put some of his work on display.

LIZS · 06/07/2012 16:56

hmm does he actually have a passion for art or photography or do you think once he got the place he thought it was a done deal ? I only ask because I would have thought that if he were that committed he would have had other projects on the go and work which he could to contribute to his portfolio. Colleges aren't looking to fail students so he may yet be able to salvage it if he is motivated to do so. Otherwise he may just have to defer uni for a year and retake, meanwhile the reality of working life may suddenly pull him up.

Frontpaw · 06/07/2012 16:58

Maybe that's why they let him fail - thought he was not focussed. I'd be interested to hear from his tutor.

HecateHarshPants · 06/07/2012 17:04

I know it's tough on him but really, this is a good thing. Sometimes what you need is to fall flat on your face and suffer a big setback due to your own stupidity/lack of care/lack of thought/whatever. It can make you give yourself a shake and get your act together.

He has, through his own fault, missed out on something he wanted. Well, he clearly didn't want it enough. Maybe now he will and he'll work harder than he ever would have before and he'll go on from this and do better than he otherwise would have done.

Sometimes failure/screwing up can be the making of you! This isn't the end of the world, he just needs to get his act together and start again and go after what he wants.

Mrsjay · 06/07/2012 17:24

I can Imagine how let down you feel is there another college uni he can apply too for september maybe another course perhaps the thought of University was more glam than the actual doing the work
. I was a little gutted when dd1 didnt want to go and do physics thats all she spoke about it then changed her mind, she is now doing audio engineering she did college and she is happy and starts her degree in september, maybe art isn't his thing, He will need to look at other options once you have picked yourself up and feel a bit stronger,

sashh · 07/07/2012 08:14

What was the condition of his offer?

Get him to contact the uni and see if they will accept him on the basis of a portfolio.

FallenCaryatid · 07/07/2012 08:21

TBH he needs a job for a few years and then to decide if he really wants to go to uni. It sounds as if he lacks the discipline, motivation and attitude to cope with extended independent study, and at least he's found out now before he has huge debts to pay off for 0 results.
College will still be a possibility in his 20s or later.

FallenCaryatid · 07/07/2012 08:22

Oh, and no shame on you at all, he's an adult who has made his own choices.

gettingalifenow · 07/07/2012 08:26

Do he have the chance for a resubmit on his portfolio - maybe next term? He could try again next year - so taking a year out between foundation and BA.

And if he talks to some of the other unis during clearing, he may secure a place - not at CSM, they don't need to go to clearing- art applications are down the most of any subject group this year so he does stand a chance if he can talk directly to an admissions tutor elsewhere ....

exoticfruits · 07/07/2012 08:54

I agree with FallenCaryatid.

Mrsjay · 07/07/2012 09:50

I also agree with fallenCaryatid he needs to get a job and grow up a bit no point in trying to submit portfollios again and try and appeal decisions if he isnt interested or motivated,

IAmSherlocked · 07/07/2012 09:57

I agree with those who say: he's screwed up and now he has to decide the best way forward.

My DB failed his first year at uni. He retook it and failed again. As a teenager, he was also very sociable, very popular, very lazy, an underachiever. He applied for a completely different course at another uni, passed with flying colours, went on to do post-grad qualifications in that subject and now has a hugely successful career in it. But he did all this by himself. No parental input: he went out there and found out what it was he wanted to do and went for it - in the end.

Hard as it is, you may have to let him fail and, harder still, let him sort out where he goes from here. You say you can't think what he'll do - well, you don't have to. He does.

BertieBotts · 07/07/2012 10:03

Yes, I went through this. Lost my place at uni at 18. It was also a competitive art related course, so I can see what he must be feeling.

What I did was go back to college and do A Levels in order to get my UCAS points up, although screwed this up as well because I met a wanker and got pregnant. After leaving XP I applied as a mature student to do a totally different subject - sociology - and am totally loving it and loving doing it at a slower pace. I also think I appreciate the teaching and the opportunity so much more now. I feel sad that I didn't get the whole uni experience, living in halls etc, but I'm also really aware I probably would have screwed up (again!) if I'd done that, so maybe it was a good thing.

There are all sorts of paths in life - he's just going to take one which is less travelled. Trust him and let him struggle for a bit, if he needs to, it might help him grow up a bit and find his own way.

Original poster

PoshPaula · 07/07/2012 12:10

Thanks so much for the advice from you all. I totally agree with Fallen, Hecate, Bertie... I will take this advice, difficult though it will be! Being a parent is the hardest thing in the world sometimes.

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coybiatch · 07/07/2012 21:44

Posh, at your son's age, my husband was booted out of his program at Uni (in health sciences) for failing almost all his courses. Now he's CEO of a biotech company. There were definitely some obstacles/repercussions of the fact that he was an underachiever at school but he developed some unique qualities as a result. He is very independent minded since he did not follow the same "flow" as all his peers. You just have to remember that sometimes the career path is not a direct one. Your son has a breadth of opportunities ahead of him.

Original poster

PoshPaula · 08/07/2012 20:05

I'm finding it very hard to see the breadth of opportunities ahead of him. I am trying to take on board the excellent advice here, and I know you are all right in what you say. Then I meet/hear about another proud parent whose kids are doing brilliantly at uni.... Then I think of how he would have had the most fantastic education at CSM, the whole Halls experience, life in London.... This is going to take some dealing with! He is avoiding me at present(!). Anyway, thanks everyone.

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FallenCaryatid · 08/07/2012 23:07

'Then I think of how he would have had the most fantastic education at CSM, the whole Halls experience, life in London.'

Do you really think that's what would have happened?
It might be what you wished for, but considering what has happened when he had the support of living at home, I don't think he'd have coped well at this stage in his life.

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