Teenage attitude

[Himalaya]

13 year old DS has transformed into moody, inconsiderate, lazy, defiant, antisocial lump over the course of past few months.

Main flash points are school work where he puts in minimum effort, is falling well behind his abilities, does not seem to care that he is in danger of failing, resents any efforts to get him to do catch-up work.

But in general the attitude thing is that he doesn't care about being told off, or upsetting anyone. So the only thing we have is rewards and sanctions and that seems to get into a negative spiral of grounding, resentment and attitude.

Any advice from those older and wiser?

He will be like this for a couple of year or so.

He will not have the ability to read emotions - so being told off is really not important to him as he can't read your worried or annoyed emotion.

he doesn't understand any more about upsetting anyone - I am sure this is a survival gene left over from the ice age - where young people needed to not care to be able to survive until they where in their twenties

He will not worry about failing - as he hasn't yet failed so he doesn't know what it is like yet.

Leave the small stuff, don't worry to much abotu the attitude and give praise and reward for the good stuff.

otherwise you will beat your head against a steel wall coated with bricks for the next 3 years

good luck

Thanks Ivykaty

"doesn't understand anymore about upsetting anyone"

That's exactly it.

I read something today about toddlers and teenagers that rang true. Toddlers need a safe base to explore their environment. Teenagers need a safe base to explore themselves. I guess he's trying out something new... Hopefully, he'll realise through consequence that his new ways don't help him. Meanwhile I guess you have to try and remain a safe base. Sounds bloody hard... Not looking forward to those years :)

Thanks all. It's blardy frustrating. Feels like all those years of socialising to be a nice person as a younger child were for nought!

It all reads as good advice though. Have been reading it out to DH too.

It's all quite alien to me. I was v emotional as a teen, but still basically wanted to be "good". Is this a boy thing?

I was like your ds as a teenager but probably much much worse...

Hormones might play a role too.

No it is not a boy thing - I have two dd's, one now in her last month of being a teen and the other the 13 years old.

They are all different, but it isn't a girl or boy thing - more a personality thing and brain block

The years of socialising to be a nice person - that will kick back in again around 18 some how that little box gets locked in the brain and the key is often found at aged 16 and then it takes a little while for them to open the box up and start using that section. Though sometimes they use that section in when away from parents.

Try to remember:

• what puberty was like
• he'll grow out of it
• he is being rude to you because sub-consciously he knows you love him and he can take out his frustration on you safely
• he doesn't mean it

Also don't allow yourself to get into rows, it will just feed his irrational sense of injustice. I made that mistake early on with dd. really lost it with her and often ended up in tears. Its really not worth it.

My tips:

• try to see it as funny but don't laugh
• set out clearly and calmly what is and is not acceptable to you
• set clear reasonable sanctions and use them consistently.
• calmly explain when they have over stepped the line and apply the sanction
• make sure you and dh/dp are consistent. Dh caved into dd at times. Really not helpful. He also managed to lose it with ds which made things far worse
• don't say things you'll regret. Their words will get forgotten, yours will be repeated back forever

Most important , don't let it take over your life or hone

"Finally, treat him as a rather annoying lodger, try not to get emotionally involved or upset by what he does, it isn't personal."

That has cheered me up no end Maryz. My "lodger" has got me down this week. There are lots of us in the same boat.

Call him Rodger My lodger moved out - bless she thought the flat she was moving into came with a 24/7 maid and cook. Can you imagine her surprise when there wasn't even a cleaner or an ironing serves to the flat...

I did sit her down with a cup of tea to comisserate

Please can I sign up for the owners of Stroppy Teenagers Club?

I think it's not coincidence that DS has turned into almighty Git the same week he embarked on mad texting flirtation with older girl.

Is there a guide, a good blog maybe, with good brief things to say in reply to their comments? like:

"I hate you"
"Whatever"
"My life is rubbish because I don't have X Y or Z but ABC all have them"
"What do you really think of me?" (Sobbing in my bed)

etc. SIGH.

I hate you

Oh that is so last year

My life is rubbish because I don't have xyz

my life is rubbish but I have my little teenage pumpkin and that make up for it - said in sickly sweet voice and sometimes muttered under breath

So if he mutters, moans and groans, or even swears under his breath, but does what you say that is actually better than agreeing sweetly and not doing it, frustrating as it may be.
I have one of those. He smiles and nods and agrees.
Then ignores me.
It took a while for the penny to drop with me that it was actually a deliberate tactic that he had perfected because I would go off happily thinking that he was going to tidy his room/ finish his homework or whatever.
I am now wise to it.

@ Maryz.
Don't stop there!!! Any suggestions on:

Why do I have to...

Why can't I stay up until midnight?

I don't care!!

You are not the boss of my life!!! DD's specialty

You are so stupid.

Your stupid = when you get a first you can call me that.

Trouble is DD2 was 10, she's been practicing teen attitude for years.

My lovely teen attitude DD1(14) and I just shrug.

Sorry, teen attitude free DD1

She just can't be bothered with falling out with her parents, doesn't see the point anymore than DH or I did.

I have made all the mistakes. I can't think of one I haven't made. Shouting, grounding, stamping about, wielding bin bags in bedrooms, pulling up at the kerb and booting out of the car for bad manners... you name it, I've tried it and it's backfired.
But I have learned one thing.
Here it is to help you:
There are two people who are going to have mighty voices in your house. They are called Everyone-In-My-Class and Nobody-You-Know. E-I-M-C is equipped with the sort of kit you sell a kidney for. N-Y-K has his parents' blessing to do everything from hitch to Amsterdam to paint his bedroom black and eat cold baked beans in bed.
These two characters do not exist.
Took me about four years to work that one out.
Hope it helps.

Why do I have to...

It's in your job description

Why can't I stay up until midnight?

Well you know what happened to cinders - well think of yourself as the frog

I don't care!!

We had gathered that is also in your job description

You are so stupid.

I know I forgot how to cook and drive just today

You are not the boss of my life

I am whilst I pay your wages

I use

Its in your job description and it is in my job description

a lot

In fact I think you can use it for just about everything - and then they get really annoyed

Maryz, your ds2 can have a weekend off KYN because I am told her (female this time) incarnation is at present camping alone in a field with eleven boys. Her mother has supplied Baileys for refreshment and is cool about whatever she chooses to inhale.