Teenage attitude

[Himalaya]

13 year old DS has transformed into moody, inconsiderate, lazy, defiant, antisocial lump over the course of past few months.

Main flash points are school work where he puts in minimum effort, is falling well behind his abilities, does not seem to care that he is in danger of failing, resents any efforts to get him to do catch-up work.

But in general the attitude thing is that he doesn't care about being told off, or upsetting anyone. So the only thing we have is rewards and sanctions and that seems to get into a negative spiral of grounding, resentment and attitude.

Any advice from those older and wiser?

Bar - ask your dd where the camp is and tell her your off out for a while as it is years since you have been high and you fancy a drop of baileys...

I would IvyKate, but the other thing I have learnt is that I will never, ever, ever be allowed to meet either EIMC or NYK.
Or their mothers.

I can't think why.

Often though if you suggest you might want to do the same thing - horror as it is really uncool for a parent and makes whatever it was they wanted to do rather less appealing

I can identify with a lot of these - brilliant suggestions. Trouble is, when you're losing it at the end of a long day it's really hard to remember how you should respond/react to said teen. DD1 is 13 and much of this thread is very familiar.

The only other advice to add is try not to sound off about teen's behaviour to a friend/colleague/stranger because they are almost certainly to not have one of those and "my teen never does that, he/she is no trouble really, a pleasure to have around".

Actually my DD1 is a pleasure to have around as long as she's speaking to other adults, so she does know what is appropriate behaviour, just not often with DH & I.

EIMC and NYK obviously live with Everyone Else's Mum! ;-) She has a lot to answer for!

Here are some more:

I wish you weren't my mum => I know darling, but tragically I am, and we just have to make the most of it.

X's mum lets him do that => Fantastic! Do you want to call her and see if you can go and live with her?

Can I have a fiver? => Of course... When you've done X, Y and Z.

Nobody else's mother makes them do that => Really? Poor you! What a shame you've got me then!

me: will you tidy your room ( bring down festering crockery, smelly washing, clear a path to the bed)/ sort out your post/ take rubbish out / put festering crockery in dishwasher?
DS : yes I will ( I have no intention, if I hold out long enough she will give up and do it herself)

Absolutely brilliant thread. My DS is just a toot, but I have neices who are very well aquainted with EIMC and NYK.

Thing is, they are lovely, loving girls when they're with me. They save the shit for their own mum.

Perhaps we can call this 'Mrs Paterson syndrome'.

"Do I have to?"
Depends if you want a lift to the cinema later...

Just showed him Kevin and Perry on YouTube. We all laughed, but I think he was taking notes.

I found Kevin and Perry very therapeutic! Dd's claim to not see why it's funny (cute eye rolling, mutters of immature parents etc).

Maryz

What do you use for clear instant sanctions.

One of our current battles is "don't write on your hands" (love, hate on the knuckles, pentagrams all up arms). Maybe I should just let it go...?

Anyway made the mistake of telling DS if he draws on his hands he couldn't go to the skatepark this week. After that he drew on his hands again and said " well I've got nothing to lose now"

first time actually on mumsnet, i feel so much better and have laughed out loud after reading most of the posts , i was feeling so crap as a parent and now i think i wll treat my abusive and lying 15 year old dd as a lodger and now know that other mums feel like i do, ie sorry i didnt get my tubes tied before i got pregnant

Oh no, Maryz, I have just realised why my DM is behaving like she is! She has hit 80 and is doing exactly the things you listed.

And I was a pretty awful teen

Thanks all for your advice. We have had a better week....baby steps.

Good news :)

Hahahaha Gurl - hilarious! Mamma's Revenge Except my dad was like that too, and I was an unhealthily angelic teen!

I have a favourite line for reminding my kids that if they give me tooooo much of a hard time now, I will be taking my revenge later... I put on my best difficult old lady voice and I whine "Soooooonnnnn, I've peed my pants!" I find that very therapeutic... But beware it may backfire: my eldest has already announced he's putting me in a home!

Great thread! I will remember EIMC and NYK.

I agree with the poster who said don't worry about the hand drawing. I have DDs and have decided to not sweat the little stuff. Hair colour, I let school deal with, (they've both grown out of it- let it grow out re-dyed it). Belly button piercing, I'm using it as an incentive for good behaviour- you can have it done after xy and z; I've bought myself 6 months for her to go off the idea, and if she goes ahead, it's not the end of the world.

I'm intransigent on supervision and sleepovers. No swanning off without letting me know, and no sleepovers unless I've spoken to parents/ am happy that they will be safe. I also have found myself gritting my teeth and collecting at inconvenient times when they were uncomfortable in situations. So I hid my massive annoyance of collecting half an hour after I've delivered, as I was happy that they chose to call for a lift rather than come home alone or go somewhere they didn't want to.

Oh the hand drawing annoys the shit out me though.

Plus I have DH's bad example that he has india ink tattoos from when he was 13 on his hands and arms, that his mum and dad thought were drawn there with biro at the time .

DS would like to stretch his earlobes and cover his body with tattoos and piercings, I am holding out against the small stuff (hair dye, ears pierced) at the moment because once he gets one thing he starts the lobbying campaign for the next.

My DS2 (12) frequently covers himself with drawings - all over his arms and legs and sometimes onto his torso, like Maori body art!
He did it several times a week all through primary school, though I have noticed it has become less frequent since he went up to secondary.
I said to him recently "Oh I suppose you'll be getting tattoos as soon as you're 18...?" and his reply was a very emphatic and scornful "NO! It would be so boring to have the same pictures all the time!"