I totally lost it with my teenage daughter

[barbarianoftheuniverse]

I shouted and shouted and shouted. I was worse than her. I am so ashamed. I know all the things you should do. I know her brain is a mess of hormones. I know I shouldn't compare her to other teens I know.
She is 15. She doesn't drink or steal or do drugs or unsafe sex. She is okay at school. I don't know why she has been such a nightmare these last 2 years. I had such a gorgeous daughter once. I couldn't believe my luck. I don't know what happened.
I suppose I could name change but I can't be bothered. Can anyone offer hope?

Don't worry. I had such a hideous rant at my 15 year old DD last week that we both had to go in late to school / work. I was very ashamed, but it happend, we're only human.

Don't worry, OP, it happens to everyone. My mum and I used to have blazing rows and sometimes I'd stand there stony-faced while she shouted - she's said she used to feel awful, but we get on wonderfully now. It's hormones, but it can be lots of things, pent-up emotions tend to get let out at home because that's where we as people are most comfortable. I think a lot of teenagers just clash with their parents, they're trying to work out who they are and what behaviour causes what reaction, like toddler phase number two.

You're human and you can't be a nodding saint all the time. ~hugs~ It will get better and your relationship will feel better again too in time. For now, can you maybe wait until it's cooled off, apologise acknologing she was also in the wrong (sorry was a brilliant word in our house, even if not accepted straight away) and then perhaps spend time with her doing something you both enjoy? It can give you some nice moments to hold onto then, and keep telling yourself about when you don't feel so good about some of the ways things happened.

Thank you. I don't think it does happen to everyone though. It's the never having enough clothes/money/ bracelets/makeup. And the sneers. I have said sorry. She has stresses, but then so do I. It's like living in a volcano zone.

I agree, it does happen to everyone.

My dd went into school one day last year, after a blazing morning row, and reported me to pastoral for always having a go at her.

I don't always have a go at her, and luckily, the woman who spoke to us both in pastoral, had seen it all before and managed to get dd to see that she was being very unreasonable.

The row had basically started over dd not being able to find her trousers, and blaming me. It then descended into dd having a full scale rant at me for every litle thing that was currently wrong with her life, ie no money, not enough clothes, make up etc and her calling me a lazy cow etc etc.

Luckily, since that row dd has been alot better. We do still row, but I now tend to just ignore as much of it as I can and then she knows she isn't getting anywhere and storms off, and eventually calms down.

Perhaps have a chat with her later about what you'd both like to change ?

Thanks Nutcracker. Lazy was one of the things on dds list for me. Fat, lazy, immature, it went on and on, all because she had lost a form she needed in her pit of a bedroom. Had spent the morning shopping with her, and the evening with a dvd and take away of her choice and then she just lost it and it went on and on. But I made it much worse.
I try to leave it often. Some times she seems to be spoiling for a fight for days and I leave it. We have had so many chats but they never seem to work. I wish she would report me to pastoral or someone. We need an outsider looking in.

I think it does happen to everyone. And I kind of suspect that the families that look most like aliens robots angels from the outside are secretly the most disturbed... At least with nutters like us emotionally expressive families, there's no question of repression or hidden trauma.

Barbarian, I think you're on to something when you say you think your DD's "spoiling for a fight". My DD does this too. And I DO NOT always manage to remain calm and not get sucked into an argument with her. She loves doing the drama queen thing.

Sorry, no help I know, but normal I think. Temporary too, hopefully.

It does happen to everyone

It has certainley happened to me (and worse)

Has happened to me. DD (14) was being rude on the way to the hairdressers, and I told her I didn't like the hairstyle she had chosen anyway. Oh God. If I could have taken back those petulant, spiteful words.

I think she's forgiven me, but I haven't forgiven myself.

Yes, it does happen to everyone and far more often than it happens to you by the sound of it.
They wind you right up and then blame you when you explode.

What really matters is what you do about it now.
Poor you.

Yes it does happen to everyone I have shouted at all 3 of my DDs at some point during their teenage years. DD2 was the worst I found emailing her after a row helped she could read what I said in her own time. She is now 22 and a lovely young woman.

Are there any mums and teenage daughters who don't have furious shouting rows at some point? I certainly did with my mum.

It's not ideal, but it's not the end of the world.

Sorry, I have no magic hints and tips for you Barbarian but like other posters wanted to say you are not alone.

I have 3 teenage ds's and have been known to rant and rave shout a lot sometimes. By far the best tactic is to walk away though.

Also, am sure that teenagers are spoiling for a fight sometimes, maybe as a release for all the hormones, pent up energy etc coursing around their bodies.

Apparently, they all turn into very nice adults

Thank you all. Yes there are a lot of things we need to talk about. Money for one. And taking responsibility for getting herself into clean clothes, delivering a letter to school, breaking things like cameras and then demanding replacements- her Christmas one was soaked in milkshake, cases not being cool, and now she wants another 'for art'. And her room full of dropped clothes, including the new ones we bought for her on Saturday, empty bean cans with spoons inside, endless litter. And then great tantrums, and more shopping demanded when things are spoilt or lost.
I know it's old fashioned, but I had three sisters. We were pretty difficult. But not like that. We didn't expect and expect and expect.
I told her she was a spoilt brat. Amongst other things.
DS was a pain. Cannabis (Maryz you were so helpful a couple of years ago) but we were lucky and it is over. But I never at any point felt he despised me.

I have just been called "A fat c and why don't I just go away and die" by one of my teenage twin daughters and the other shouted at the top of her voice for all my neighbours to hear "I hate you, you fat t" These two sentences were surrounded by lots of others of a similar sort. They are only 13, 14 next month. So God help me please!

One minute we were sitting in the living room all together watching Americas next top model and Britain and Irelands next top model. Everything was fine. When the programes finished they both went upstairs and all hell broke loose. They started fighting with each other about the cat! He was in one of their rooms and she wouldn't let the other one in to see him. They were screaming and shouting at each other and one of them wash bashing in the other ones bedroom door. I ignored it for a bit, but when it carried on I went upstairs and tried to get them to stop. Then they both turned their anger on me!!!

I'm left exhausted, with my emotions hightened and feeling a complete failure as a mother.

Then I came on here and saw your post and all the other replies and I've started to remember the way I was with my mum all those years ago, (now we couldn't be closer) and I cling onto the hope that in the end everything will be OK. I've just got to get through this as best I can without having a breakdown!!

Creany, yes I hope things will be okay. I hope you are too. Perhaps I should stop wishing dd had a sister to quarrel with instead of me.

Allowances are hard because they get spent and cash cards get lost. Jobs for teens ( and everyone else) are very thin on the ground around here.

I think this is a hard time to be a teen. So much pressure to look right and have the right stuff it seems. I was much too hard on DD.

I just filled up with petrol. I thought 'This would take me miles.' I'd like to just go.

But thank you all for being so nice. Sorry dd.

I had the worst row with my 15 year old twins last night - all three of us screaming at each other. It can go from peace and harmony to WWIII in a nanosecond. I feel so much better for reading these posts - entirely human! My biggest problem is that my boy/girl twins despise each other. They literally spend no time together, and could not be more different. As a single parent it is becoming increasingly depressing and stressful living in a house with 2 people who argue practically every time they share the same air space. My daughter is THE Drama Queen and over reacts when my son (THE wind up artist) winds her up (by this i mean he stares at her/sits by her/makes noises/pretends to read her phone over her shoulder as he walks past - we are not talking major here, but we are talking deliberate). Her voice - when shrieking at full volume - goes RIGHT through me and results in massive adrenaline rush, and me in instant fury. I feel like i am losing the plot: I don't know if i should punish him for these little things or tell her to suck it up and learn to deal with irritating people. I have told her countless times he only does it because she reacts and to walk away, but she always (always!) takes this as criticism and says i should be punishing him and I am a crap mum. I have tried all ways and I am slowly loosing the will...........

I once frizbee-d a wooden plate at DS1's head in the middle of a screaming match He was 15 at the time and at his worst and I just snapped. Luckily my aim is shocking as It probably would have decapitated him if I'd hit the mark....and he loves to remind me now WHY I don't have a complete set any more

We love eachother to bits but at times we used to just both BLOW like volcanoes!
He's 19 now and sooooo much calmer and I can't remember the last time I shouted! It does improve :):)

You get the nice version back at age 22.

I read all these replies saying it gets better and I dont believe them

but I remember not so long ago pleading on here for advice about getting ds2 to sleep alone and all night, and I didnt believe he ever would

now he does

maybe I should just have faith but god its hard