dd's friend's possibly abusive, possibly racist father

[TimeChild]

Hi, this is my first post, I'm hoping for some advice about what to do?

My 14 yr old dd has a friend whose father referred to dd in a text to his daughter as the 'chinky bitch'. dd found out and is naturally distraught. We do not know him and dd has only met him once when she went there for a sleepover. According to dd, he has a record of referring to his daughter's friends as 'bitches', but none using racist terms as he did to dd.

I am appalled and devastated for dd but at a loss of what to do. I have reported to school, but only as info and confidentially as dd does not want them to know. She feels humiliated and v. alone.

dd also feels let down by the girl herself, who apparently is v. close to this man and prob feels unable to confront him on behalf of her friend. The school they go to is racially mixed which somehow makes it more shocking?

dd has written a letter to this man asking for apology (brilliant and heartfelt letter, so proud :) ) and we are thinking of delivering it to him together with a covering note expressing our outrage.

Do you think this is the right thing to do? In fact what is the right thing to do? Please help!

How did your dd find out? If it wasn't meant for her eyes then can he be expected to apologise?

He is wrong. Teaching that to his dd. I would not be letting your dd go on anymore sleepovers there.

I don't think a letter from your dd will help at all. Sorry. I think you run the risk of your daughter feeling even more humiliated and saddened than she already does. You can't educate pork etc. I guess he'd say "yeah right,sorry innit" then continue to take the piss and wank over his copy of the Sun once you'd gone.

I would also be questioning the circumstances of how the text was shown to your dd. Presumably by her friend? Why?

If anything I'd give such a letter to the school in the hope at last that the next generation is more enlightened.

What Bucharest said. It's foul, but it's free speech & your DD won't get enough back by enduring the stress involved in confronting him directly.

Really sorry this has happened.

I think your dd needs to tell her friend that she trusts her friend to not agree with these views, and realises that her friend is not her father.

I would be very unhappy with any dd of mine going for a sleepover at the house a person who spoke of her like that.

I'm not sure what it has to do with the school - but well done to your dd in expressing her feelings - if you feel it is safe for her to give him the letter, then do so, I wouldn't include a covering letter of outrage - her letter will either have an impact or it won't. being told off by you won't help. Presumably you are hoping that the letter elicits an apology after which you will feel OK about this friendship? That may well not happen - he might bar his dd from seeing yours.

Think through what you want. And where the friendship with the dd fits in. If she is happy to have her say whatever the risks, then good for her, as long as she understands the range of things that could result.

Her friend showed her the text as dd was there when he sent it. Don't think her friend showing it was malicious. Not even sure whether her friend truly understands the implications and what dd feels.

Thank you all for your replies, really helpfule and kind of confirms my gut feeling. However, the worst of this is that dd feels humiliated and victimised and want to do something that makes her more empowered, hence the need for the apology?

Friend probably thought it was a moment along lines of "Is your dad as much of a total tosser as mine? Look at this stupid thing he wrote, for example."

Adventures, I think you are right. I am happy for dd to continue seeing her friend, just not her dad!

MrsMicawber, totally agree. It has been a nasty shock for dd and in hindsight it will make her stronger. We just have to get there first!

I would not let your dd send a letter.

What I would do is go and visit or more likely my partner would go and visit the man in question and say we do not appreciate our daughter being called a bitch or indeed a chinky bitch, and that we expect him to offer an apology to her as she saw the text.

I agree with the others in that sending the letter won't do any good.He doesn't sound like a man who would feel remorseful for his comments and wouldn't apologise regardless.Your dd sounds lovely by the way.

Thank you sugarice and you are right, dd is lovely and brave :)

dh and I are coming around to the idea that sending the letter is not good idea, although I think the process of doing it has helped dd to get her feelings straight. Poss the need for a confrontation is to satisfy my need - I feel so ANGRY towards this man.

Can anyone suggest somewhere where she can talk her feelings with a sympathetic adult? Do you think the school is the best place to ask?

Thanks for all your help and support.

IMO the most lilkely outcome of your dd giving this man a letter is that she will be exposed to more racism and sexism from him. If it were my dd, I would want to protect her from that.

He will not give her a meaningful apology, because he probably believes he has done nothing wrong.

Also, knowing what his beliefs are, I would not want my dd going to their house again.

100% right MrsSquirrel.
OP, why can't you be the person she talks about her feelings to? IME, the school are not normally equipped with a counsellor unless they are private.

What FannyFifer wrote (complain to him as adult & request apology) strikes me as reasonable.

I have problems with the whole thing because it's
A) free speech however obnoxious,
B) private communication meant perhaps as a provocative joke or whatever he thinks it means to routinely call his DD's friends bitches, I don't like private comms being published anyway,
C) it could be a minefield, divisive with the girl's friend & her family, to escalate this and
D) she shouldn't give him the power to upset him like this (I know that comes with maturity, but bear with me). His words say a huge amount about HIM, and absolutely nothing about her. In my ideal world I would want to impress that on her very strongly & hope she could take it in.

Learning that lesson now could help her deal with all sorts of eejits in her future.

I would let her send her letter, she has a right to be heard, she would just need to be prepared that she could not control the response - or indeed expect any. She should also not be taught to hold back on voicing her convictions and speaking up for doing the right thing. I would probably let the friend know before hand.

I wouldn't let her ask for an apology, as this gives him some power, I would instead make it clear that the content of the text was abhorent and that she feels sorry for him and his daughter if that is the way they view the world and other people. I'd get her to explain that it is irrelevant how she came to view the text, but that adults should be aware that such is the nature of modern comms.

More power to her elbow. I'm sure he won't listen, and I'm sure he won't change, but your DD won't be afraid to speak up against intolerance and ignorance in the future.

Will she grow to regret not having had her say? If her friend is truly her friend, she will be emboldened to speak up herself by your DD's example.

Good luck.

I think the writing of the letter is a very good thing. I dont think sending it is.
He really sounds a fuckwit. I do not think he gives a toss what a teenage girl thinks of him and will no doubt consider a letter 'poncey'.

Your DD sounds lovely and you sound very caring.

We have to support our children and give them the ammunitation to deal with this stuff. I think part of that lesson is that people like this man cannot be reasoned with.
This racist crap is not yours or your daughter's problem. It is the problem of the man who sent the stupid text.
Its such a hard lesson learnt and I wish our kids didnt have to learn it..
but they do.

ripsishere, dd does talk to me.

AWV, not sure if I agree with your 'problems'. There's free speech and free speech. And racist comments are racist comments. Anything written in text is tantamount to publishing - it is on record (cf Levenson) Not sure if I understand your point D either.

I disagree with ripsishere, it might be worthwhile contacting the school. You're not necessarily looking for a counsellor, more of a sympathetic ear for dd to talk things through. My dd would certainly get that at her school.

Would dd feel comfortable speaking to her form tutor? Or is there another teacher she feels is more approachable?

Thank you MrsSquirrel, yes I wasn't really thinking of a counsellor per se. I think sometimes having someone who is not directly involved in what is a very (in)tense situation can help. I will enquire at the school.

Thank you again everyone for your helpful comments and support. Its given me a lot to think about and get a perspective on the event.

I think if the friend realised the upset she might be more circumspect with showing things like this to her friends and possibly even ask her dad to calm it down.

Does your dd think she would be sympathetic if she explained she was hurt? - if so that would probably go a long way to making her feel less like her friend is being horrid behind her back, and better about the whole thing.

I had a friend whose parents were horrid to me when I was a child (not racist, just plain mean) - I avoided them and it was unpleasant but the friend wasn't so I kept her, and saw them as separate.

The letter is a definite risk as anything less than contrition on his part will make it worse and there is a fair chance she won't get that. Going round for a word on her behalf without her knowledge is perhaps the best solution, as if he couldn't care less, she doesn't need to know and if he is sorry you will be able to pass that on?

GinPalace, dd is quite clear that its the dad not the friend who is the problem. I may have said this before, but the girl seems nice and they are all part of a lovely group.

The awful thing is the racism angle. dd normally gets loads of support from her friends (and vici versa) with problems, but she feels unable to talk to them - possibly because the rest of them are white and she thinks they may not fully understand. It is v. v. personal and eroding to her self-esteem.

Its happened to me in my time and as you get older you develop a thick skin. You learn to ignore what is unpleasant. Unfortunately you have to take a lot of knocks before it happens. It shouldn't be like that :(

Agree - one of lifes harshest lessons that it would be so much better if our Dc's didn't have to go through these things. Nasty. Your poor dd. :(

My dd suggests that your dd could phone Childline if she wants to talk to someone about it all.

That's a good idea - they're designed to be an impartial listening ear. :)