dd's friend's possibly abusive, possibly racist father

[TimeChild]

Hi, this is my first post, I'm hoping for some advice about what to do?

My 14 yr old dd has a friend whose father referred to dd in a text to his daughter as the 'chinky bitch'. dd found out and is naturally distraught. We do not know him and dd has only met him once when she went there for a sleepover. According to dd, he has a record of referring to his daughter's friends as 'bitches', but none using racist terms as he did to dd.

I am appalled and devastated for dd but at a loss of what to do. I have reported to school, but only as info and confidentially as dd does not want them to know. She feels humiliated and v. alone.

dd also feels let down by the girl herself, who apparently is v. close to this man and prob feels unable to confront him on behalf of her friend. The school they go to is racially mixed which somehow makes it more shocking?

dd has written a letter to this man asking for apology (brilliant and heartfelt letter, so proud :) ) and we are thinking of delivering it to him together with a covering note expressing our outrage.

Do you think this is the right thing to do? In fact what is the right thing to do? Please help!

Mrs Squirrel, that is an excellent suggestion. Thank you. Will try. :)

My cousin is mixed race. When we were about 13, her own father, my uncle, who is white, called some people 'pakis' in her hearing. She challenged him, and asked "Don't you realise that's what people call ME? It's a horrible word, how could you use it?" He did not get her point at all, laughed at her, used the word a bit more for a while to wind her up, and has continued with his racist attitudes ever since (he's now in his 70s not his 40s). Luckily, my cousin was not living with him - her mum had already left him. But it was a deeply shocking and upsetting experience for her, as you can imagine. It wasn't, in fact, so much the casual racism that shook her, but his reaction when she challenged him - total disregard and dismissal of her feelings.

So I wouldn't recommend that your daughter actually contacts that man: 14 is probably too young to deal with the fact that a man like this is unlikely to give a sh*t about what she feels, and will probably respond to her reasonable objections with a direct attack. :( But you can be enormously proud that she can voice those reasonable objections and be so sure of herself! :)

Flow4, thank you for sharing, your cousin was so brave and so unlucky to have such a horrible father.

You (and others) are right to say that a letter would provoke an unpredictable and possibly upsetting response from that man. I think it is enough that dd has voiced her anger and upset on paper, she often find that therapeutic.

Unfortunately the world is full of ignorant tossers like this guy. No point sending letters, trying to reason with him - you can't reason with someone who isn't reasonable. And that is what I would be saying to my DC's.

The guy is clearly as thick as fuck and is to be pitied, along with his offspring for having parents like that (how many of us would put up with ours DP's calling our DC's freinds 'bitches'?)
I would be telling my DS not to loose any sleep over a loser.

Take the moral high ground because it's yours and don't stoop to his level by trying to get him to see what he's done - because he wont give a f**k! Sad but true.

I would stop my dd going round there and if the friend or dad asks why it will give your dd the perfect reason to let forth

Just thought I would update you as everthing has been (sort of ) resolved.

Predictably, the nasty father did not apologise although we know that he knows how much offence he gave.

The good news is that dd has finally let go and is no longer angry and come to terms with the situation. She still hasn't forgiven him (obviously) but realises I think that seeking an apology is not in her interests. She has risen above it all and has made up with her friend tentatively.

We took your advice and decided not to send the letters.

The main thing I wanted to pass on to you is that as dd's upset started to spill into her school life, i contacted a teacher i trusted in the school. They handled it brilliantly and sensitively, gave dd a shoulder to cry on and gave her support. At my request, they did not mention that it was me that blew the whistle. This was really the turning point. I was so impressed and grateful to them.

Also wanted to add that the two girl's friendship group also rallied around and did their best to get them together.

All in all, it was a very nasty and upsetting experience but ended well with us all feeling a bit wiser and stronger. The only loser is the father - if he only knew.