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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year old dd, new problems now

45 replies

TantrumsAndBalloons · 19/06/2012 08:56

This is going to be long, sorry.
My dd is 14. We have had issues with her in the past. The main issue was her talking to older boys, on FB, twitter etc and posted very inappropriate pics.

We closed all her social networking down a few months ago, she ran away for a day, we got counseling for her and also family counseling which is still ongoing.

Fast forward a couple of months and we have now discovered she is using bbm and FB to talk to 4 older boys 16-19 and one 24 yo man she met on the train.

She has also met up with one of these boys twice whilst supposedly at after school clubs and she also bunked off school twice to go and meet another boy.

She told me and her dad last night that she doesn't care what we say, she is going to continue to do it, she thinks counseling is pointless as there is nothing wrong with what she is doing.

And I found out this morning from ds1 that she has made plans to meet another boy after school today.

What the actual fuck do I do now??

Any advice, help, handholding much appreciated, I am work but will check in as much as I can.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 19/06/2012 08:59

I don't know.

I just wanted to say pore you and give you a hug.

Original poster
TantrumsAndBalloons · 19/06/2012 09:00

Thank you hully, I need a hug :)

OP posts:
Original poster
TantrumsAndBalloons · 19/06/2012 09:01

That should have been :( not :)

Brain not working today

OP posts:
Hullygully · 19/06/2012 09:04

It's so weird isn't it?

When I was 14 my best friend was like that, she CRAVED attention and got up to all sorts of inappropriate behaviour. For her it wa about self-esteem and attention, but I've no idea what your dd's is about!

ElephantsCanRemember · 19/06/2012 09:04

I have no advice, sorry but can offer a hand.
I do remember feeling similar at her age (obviously wasn't the same due to lack of internet & texting etc). I was so pleased if someone found me attractive, made me feel loved/wanted. I remember being 14 and being so chuffed that a 30yr old man liked me Sad I don't know what my parents could have done to make things different. Actually I do know, my mum and dad gave me mixed messages. My mum wanted me to be independant and strong, my dad is very sexist and was very cold, so maybe I looked for older men to give me the warmth I craved from my dad? I don't know, and I am not suggesting your set up is anything like that. But it may be worth considering that my dad would never have thought that he made me feel/act like that, but yet he still did. Sorry I'm not any help at all.

ElephantsCanRemember · 19/06/2012 09:06

Sorry, I don't think my post made any sense at all.

Original poster
TantrumsAndBalloons · 19/06/2012 09:07

She is actually a real daddy's girl, always has been as she is the only Dd.

I thought it was a self esteem issue, that's why we thought counseling would help but she sees it differently, she says she doesn't need counseling.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 19/06/2012 09:07

It did elephants

Hullygully · 19/06/2012 09:07

what does she actually say?

LaurieFairyCake · 19/06/2012 09:07

What I would do (feel free to ignore if it's not for you).

Take the phone/laptop off her - basic mobile only. Escort to and from school. Phone school and check every day that she is in.

When picking up from school (I wouldn't share this with her) be breezy and say you have to go somewhere - go shopping/cinema/activity - don't talk about the boys, don't quiz, just be there. Much like a toddler the aim is distraction.

No going out after school once you're home. In general clamp down entirely with some of the carrot - cinema/shopping/tea and cake in a cafe etc.

Compulsory family therapy - it's not an option she doesn't go. Show her the CEOP videos on you tube - don't criticise but encourage reflection by her on what the consequences could be if she meets them or misses school.

Get her involved in another activity - meeting much older boys suggests low self esteem - I'm quite sure they are being very nice to her as she is easier to manipulate than an older,wiser girl. She needs her self esteem boosted in another way - scouts/dancing/self defence classes.

Hope some of this is helpful Smile

Original poster
TantrumsAndBalloons · 19/06/2012 09:08

Yes it did.

OP posts:
Original poster
TantrumsAndBalloons · 19/06/2012 09:10

Hully, she says that it is her life and she can do as she pleases, if she wants to go out with older boys, it's up to her to do it and she will deal with it.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 19/06/2012 09:13

can she say why she wants to go out with older boys?

ElephantsCanRemember · 19/06/2012 09:20

This might sound really simplistic, but my sister did similar - she was dating a 26yr old at 15. It is the only time I remember my mum going against my dad. Mum invited him round, he came for meals etc she did her best to get "into" his life. It fizzled out after a few months. I know that sounds very "right on" but it did actually work for my sister.

Is there anything going on at home that could make your DD have low self esteem? Or anything at school that makes her need to be able to "show off " in front of her friends?

Sorry if I'm not wording it right, I think there can be so many reasons as to why a teenager behaves like this.

Original poster
TantrumsAndBalloons · 19/06/2012 09:21

Laurie, she does judo, dance and swimming, she now has not Internet access at all.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 19/06/2012 09:23

tantrums - is she all of a swirly mass of hormones and unreasonableness? You get a tremendous feeling of power from older men fancying you, maybe she is really enjoying the rush that feeling of power brings. It's hard to see sense when in the grip of all that.

not very helpful.

Original poster
TantrumsAndBalloons · 19/06/2012 09:24

Her grandad passed away 2 years ago which hit her really hard, that's whyi thought counseling would help

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 19/06/2012 09:24

Sorry, I thought you said the BBM and FB is what she is using now to meet boys Confused - I assumed on her phone as you had taken her laptop already

ElephantsCanRemember · 19/06/2012 09:26

What Hully says could be very close to the mark. It could be just her age, hormones at that age can be fucking awful, I don't think, as parents, we always remember that.

Original poster
TantrumsAndBalloons · 19/06/2012 09:29

Laurie, she uses her friends phones at school to go on twitter, bbm and FB, she also had an old phone with no sim card that she was using upstairs, connected to the wireless Internet until I changed the password this morning when I found it.

She will do anything to get online, we have shut down her accounts but she still finds a sneaky way to do it.

OP posts:
UnnamedFemaleProtagonist · 19/06/2012 09:30

I was very similar at 14-16. I got up to all sorts of ridiculousness with boys and men up to the age of 26 (one who had just come out of prison).

I had low self esteem and was called a slag at school when I was a virgin and that became self perpetuating. I had very large breasts and had a reduction on the NHS at 19. My parents had no idea about any of this, so I think it is positive that she has told you.

My DD is 10 and I'm not sure what I would do in your situation. I would be tempted to tell her how fucked up I was for 20 years and how these bad choices led to more bad choices and an inability to see the wood for the trees.

I'm sending you a hug too.

nickseasterchick · 19/06/2012 09:32

Tantrumsandballoons I feel your pain (just coming out of a long period of problems with ds2 and a younger girl) laurie I thought your advice was great and it was exactly how id try to approach the issues we were having but with a very headstrong child its not do-able {in my experience} without support from a social worker/police/school etc etc.

Is your Dd approachable in discussing this? is it an avenue of thought that you could speak to her about the much older 'man' and warn her if she continues to meet up with him you would report it to the police and social services (i dont know if there is any element of a relationship with your dd and him but that might scare him and her?) could you approach the parents of the boys of 16 and explain to them your dd is vulnerable and ask them to speak to their ds and discourage the friendship?.

I actually dont think its self esteem with your dd she does competetive sporty activities I think she has realised the appeal of her blossoming femininity and is using it ........ can you encourage friendships with boys from a similar age group?

I dont want you to think im a raving police caller but the girl ds was involved with desperately wants a baby is full of piercing and tattoos,regularly stays out all night,posts intimate pics of herself and sends emails that could be in porno mags......she is just 15 and is now in care (nothings changed behaviour wise) and my ds was obsessed with her ........my absolute fear was that ds would end up on the sex offenders register -maybe the other boys mums will have similar fears.(not suggesting your dd is as 'bad' as this girl though).

ElephantsCanRemember · 19/06/2012 09:33

Bloody hell, it was so much easier when I was a teenager, if I wanted to see someone I had to actually call them, it was possible to be sneaky but not like it is now. I have all this to come with ds 12 & dd 7.

hattifattner · 19/06/2012 09:36

I think it needs saying that any MAN (not boy) over 18 who is trying to get involved with a child of 14 is technically grooming her, and I would be sending them a text on BBM to the effect that if they EVER contact her again, you will be contacting the police as you consider them to be grooming her as a predatory paedophile.

Depending on what has been said, I might even speak to CEOP/police about these chaps, especially if they have initiated any of the meets/photo sharing.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/06/2012 09:37

ok, definitely involve the school - it's likely they have a policy of no mobiles (or like my dd's school phones have to be handed in to Student Services) - they might be amenable to helping you as she's carrying out risky behaviour. Her form tutor could keep an eye out for her using others mobiles.

Do you currently pick her up from school? most of what I'm trying to get at is you minimising her risky behaviour and her getting very little opportunity to actually go out with older boys. We can't control them all the time just minimise the risks really.

How is she with you - is your relationship generally good?