14 year old dd, new problems now

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

This is going to be long, sorry.
My dd is 14. We have had issues with her in the past. The main issue was her talking to older boys, on FB, twitter etc and posted very inappropriate pics.

We closed all her social networking down a few months ago, she ran away for a day, we got counseling for her and also family counseling which is still ongoing.

Fast forward a couple of months and we have now discovered she is using bbm and FB to talk to 4 older boys 16-19 and one 24 yo man she met on the train.

She has also met up with one of these boys twice whilst supposedly at after school clubs and she also bunked off school twice to go and meet another boy.

She told me and her dad last night that she doesn't care what we say, she is going to continue to do it, she thinks counseling is pointless as there is nothing wrong with what she is doing.

And I found out this morning from ds1 that she has made plans to meet another boy after school today.

What the actual fuck do I do now??

Any advice, help, handholding much appreciated, I am work but will check in as much as I can.

I think I would contact the police too. I consider with hindsight that I was groomed by the older man. My parents were just so innocent and blinkered, they had no idea.

The 16 year old I have spoken to personally, he thinks he is a gangster and doesn't have to listen to anyone (his words)

I've sent FB messages to 2 others but she has just contacted them and said to them oh don't worry about my parents, they wont do anything.

I spoke to the man on the phone, he said he didn't know how old she was but I read the FB message where she told him.
I told him I would contact the police if he contacted her again.

I think she does like the attention, the fact she can tell her friends about her older boyfriends, I just think she has no clue what she is getting into, I think there's a huge difference between 14 and 18 but she thinks she knows it all.

Hully, she says that it is her life and she can do as she pleases, if she wants to go out with older boys, it's up to her to do it and she will deal with it.

So let her take responsibility. Does she know what happened with the pictures she sent? Where are they now? Have they been copied. Does she realise she has commited a crime in sending them? That when she is and possibly a grandmother those pictures will still be going around. And that if the boy/man she sent it to has not deleted it ASAP then he can be prosecuted as well.

How will she feel standing in court explaining to complete strangers what she has done an why. And them asking her about her sexlife, home life etc etc.

She wants to be a grown up - well let her, but she has to understand the consequences, her 'boyfriend' may end up in prison for something she has done.

Sorry I know that sounds really harsh but my experince with teenagers is they never think of the consequences.

just a thought is there any elderly relative that she looks upto?? is there any way you could say (as an example) nanny is very upset her friend is saying she has seen sexy pictures of you on the internet.....it might just get her thinking?

I would also approach the 16 year old boys parents ......and explain the situation clearly to them -even gangster families dont want the police knocking on their door .....and 16 year old boys wont want pcs and mobile phones taken away by the police.

I really feel sorry for you.

Sashh I understand what you are saying but at the end of the day I can't sit back and let her sneak out of school to meet up with older bits, she is putting herself in actual danger.

We have spoken so many times this but she just thinks nothing will ever happen to her, that she knows these boys and they are "nice"

No, you can't Tantrums. Your job is to protect her, even if it makes you want to kill her...

Hope you're okay Tantrums :(
I think I was a bit like this at her age. When I was 14 I had a 26-year old boyfriend. I did lie to him about my age, and the guilt of doing that is something I still struggle with to this day.
I lied to my parents constantly- Said I was staying with other friends, but actually going to him. I think, as others have said, a lot of it is self-worth- I was just so pleased that someone fancied me. I would also like to add that it was in no way the fault of my parents that I felt this way- It was just that I was physically less attractive than my siblings and my friends, and was very aware of it.

So I pick her up from school yesterday, found out she had used her friends twitter account to send a message to this boy saying not to come and meet her cos I knew he was coming.

We went out, had something to eat so I could try and talk to her alone and she said she doesn't want to live here anymore because the way we treat her is unfair.
None of her friends get treated like this, they are allowed out until 1am every night, no one makes them do homework, no one cares who they are going out with. They are all on FB, BBM, twitter all night without parents noticing, they all talk to older boys etc.

I tried once again to explain the reason we don't want her doing all this is because we love her and want her to be safe, she said she would rather be in foster care because at least then she could do what she wanted.

I have managed to get into her head that family counseling will continue and she will be there, although whether she will take it seriously I don't know.

All I know is, I will not let her put herself in danger, and threatening to hand herself in to social services is not going to change my views on meeting up with older men.
I have now changed my hours at work so I can pick her up from school every day.

but at the end of the day I can't sit back and let her sneak out of school

I totally get that, sorry, I probably didn't come accross very well. She thinks she is doing what all teenagers are doing, but she isn't. She could end up on the sex offender's register.

Picking her up from school is a good idea. What are your plans for the summer holidays? Is there a relative she could stay with?

I would definitely involve the school - they will have seen this sort of situation/behaviour before and should either have their own support systems in place (for her and you) or be able to liaise with outside agencies to provide them.

There have been a couple of threads on here about teenagers who have ended up in care - could you find one of those and maybe show her bits? The reality can be very bleak - I think Jacqueline Wilson has a lot to answer for in terms of how teenagers perceive foster homes.

You sound like you're doing everything you can, but with the best will in the world, teenagers can still see parents as the enemy. Is there anyone she might be more likely to respond to/open up to? An aunt, older cousin or someone?

Summer, we are going on holiday for 2 weeks, the DCs will spend time with both grandmas and I have the last week of the holidays off to get ready for school.

She sees all family as the enemy, anyone who thinks what she is doing is wrong is trying to ruin her life.

I spoke to the school yesterday and they are going to keep an eye out, inform me straight away if she is late, absent etc.

She just thinks in foster care, she could do as she pleases and no one will care, she finds that idea appealing.
It doesn't help that she has friends who do stay out all night etc but they are not my children, tbh I don't care how they are parented.

Ok I'm going against the grain a ring bit here. I'm talking from my experience as a teenager very similar to your DD rather than as a mum. Not even sure I could take my own advice when it comes to my DD but here goes.
Let her do it. Don't make her sneak out. 'accept' these boys/men, to an extent. The only reason I say this is that you can then know where she is, get contact number for whoever she is with. If its a case of rebellion she'll get bored pretty quick when you accept it. Mainly though, should something bad happen with one of these lads (and I hope it never does) with the way you are treating it now she will never come home and tell you. She will end up hurt and terrified and alone. If you let her be open and honest, she will feel more like she can tell you anythin that happens, good or bad. Be realistic, as much as I'm not condoning underage sex, in the situation she's in if she wants to do it she will do. Do sit her down, point out (calmly) that it's illegal, she is NOT ready, but, discuss contraception. Is the pill an option?
And bear in mind, not ALL of these boys/men are terrible. I met an 18yr old when I was 13. We weren't 'official' for a few years, during which I acted much the sane as your DD. My mum did anythin and everything she could to keep me away from him. 11 years on I am happily engaged to said 18yo with a beautiful daughter. And my mum loves him.

I would not accept it, as she is too young. At 17, maybe even 16, that would work.

But at 14, these guys ARE grooming her even though she is a willing "victim".

This must be really tough, she sounds very selfish and I cannot believe the way she hurts your feelings, saying she wants to be in fostercare etc.

It is your job to keep an eye on this, sadly not a great job, is it?!

How is she doing at school? What are her friends like?

Her friends for the most part are really nice, there are a few who have no parental supervision and who are out on the street at 1am.

School, again no problems, 100% attendance until she decided to bunk off the other day, top set everything, wants to be a lawyer.

There is no way on this earth I will allow her to go out with a 18/20 year old man. There just isn't.
And I understand where you are coming from by saying that but I can't knowingly allow her to be in danger and she would be.

I totally understand. Like I said I prob couldn't take my own advice when it comes to my DD being a teenager. It's just how my teen age years could have gone a bit smoother.
I wish I could tell you how to fix it but short of confining her to the house permanently, I honestly wouldn't know what to do.
Best of luck with it all, hopefully someone with more mum experience than me can help!
The only thing I would say is always make it clear she can talk to you and you won't throw an 'I told you so' in her face just in case anything ever does go wrong...
I hope you get it sorted out, funny as a teen I never thought how my behaviour must have hurt my mum

Please tell her I'm a foster carer to a 14 year old. All electrical items are removed at 8pm including her phone. Laptop is only on the kitchen table and has parental controls on it. Homework is done immediately after coming home from school before tv/chilling. Piano practise is done every day. Chores (really minimal) are done every day. Bedtime is 9pm. No, she's not allowed out to wander after school - organised activities only.

She's only allowed out with boys in a group, no single dating yet.

ALL her friends are the same - ALL of them - your kid is attempting to spin you the standard 'Everyone's allowed' - its all bollocks.

Please tell her the reality of being in foster care is that you have more controls as we have safeguarding to consider. No foster carer will allow a child unlimited internet access for example. We have to know where foster dd is at ALL times or we call the police/duty social worker.

If you would welcome an older boyfriend in your home, let him sleep over etc. at the age she is, I think he would be either "grooming" or "raping" (depending how far they go), legally speaking, and you would be an accomplice.

This is what I keep trying to tell her, but because there is a tiny number of girls in her year who are allowed to drink, smoke, go out with men, have unrestricted access to FB etc she believes we should let her do the same.

Never mind that one of these girls is pregnant, they rarely go to school, no one actually cares about them.

She really wants to be a lawyer so I have spoken to my BIL who works in that area and he has managed to get her 2 weeks work experience at the beginning of the summer, obviously if she behaves herself.
I'm hoping that seeing that environment, and talking to people about what she will have to do at school etc will make her a bit more focused on what she wants to do with her life and how to achieve it.

And I hope she will enjoy it

In my defence I don't have teenagers just young boys but my best mate has 2 teens and a step daughter in her twenties. So she has also been down a similar route.

My mate had the whole "but everyone talks to strangers on the internet, god you are sooooo old" bit, before her DSD's "nice" boyfriend was arrested by the police for smashing up her flat and you don't want to know about her being his sex slave, luckily she is not 14, unluckily she is not 14 and therefore can't be kept in or have her mobile taken off her

Teenagers are naive and cannot predict the consequences of their actions. So with your daughter, let's fast forward 15 years, she is a successful lawyer working a case, and yet somehow the tosser defendant has a lovely photo of your daughter from when she was 14, half naked. Is this what she would want? Because that may well be a possibility.

Or later in her life she has children in secondary school and the boys have stuck an indecent photo of her on her son's locker. Pictures never go away, she has no idea where those photos have gone, who they have been shared with, and where they will pop up again. It honestly breaks my heart.

If she is ever prosecuted for posting/sending these photos can she even become a lawyer? I know they won't let you for fraud convictions but not sure about child pornography or whatever charge her photos would come under.

I think picking her up from school is fantastic, because it hampers her opportunity to meet the boys.