My 15 year old is in care, on drugs, stealing and no one will help

[Missjt]

So, my son went into care as his relationship with Dad broke down, and we were all convinced his Dad was this horrid person who was making things up about our son. It turns out this isn't the case. I had been working towards having my son come to live with me, until I found private messages on facebook confirming what Dad has been saying for a few years. Our son was arrested a few months ago for stealing, he showed no remorse, he has been excluded a number of times, but this seems pretty tame compared to what he is up to now. These messages reveal that our son is organising stealing trips, is selling drugs as well as taking them. Now I have raised these points to SS and thier attitude astounds me. They say we shouldn't be too harsh with him, and that he should come and live with me anyway. I've said that our son needs to admit these things, otherwise the move will fail and I will have no support. I have no immediate family, I suffer with severe depression and I feel like SS are bullying me into taking him, when I know I won't cope. That aside he currently lives in a small town, and is clearly involved in a gang, my other concerns is that if he comes to London, he will end up being another statistic, I really don't know what to do. SS say his placement has to come to an end in July, regardless of these concerns. I feel so worthless because I can't help, Dad and new partner are reluctent to have him because they are in fear of what he may do, our son has before attacked Dad, and will stop at no ends if he doesn't get what he wants. I just don't know what to do, I feel like he would be better off in care, at least to some extent they can control what he does, but it seems no one can get through to him. He doesn't think he has a problem, has a terrible anger problem and to be honest im scared of my own son, and what he may do. He doesn't know that we all know and SS are going to tell him about the content and 'talk' to him, but I don't think this will help. I don't mean to be so down on him, but how much more can I take? Any advice would be appreciated!

I'm PMing you.

Hugs, sorry I can't be more help.

Oh what a terrible situation ,I'm so sorry .

Maybe Parentline could offer a sympathetic ear at least and maybe some practical advice ?

familylives.org.uk/

I think Parentline's a good idea, also.

Firstly I am genuinely so sorry that you are going through this!

I feel that this may be slightly beyond parentline's remit but they are useful to talk to and may have some useful suggestions of who you could contact, if not just be a kind ear to listen and understand so you can talk things through. I have cried all over them many times about my DS.

Are there any CASUS workers you could contact? We are in Cambridgeshire and they have been outstanding in helping my DS begin to turn his life around...think they may be local to our area but there are similar organisations throughout the country, perhaps parentline could put you in the right direction?

It may well seem as though your DS is lost. Try to remember that he is a person and however appalling his behaviour may be he still has feelings and needs a lot of support. Have you spoken to the Youth offending team? I thought all was lost with our DS. There is still a glimmer of hope left and the lovely little boy I loved so much when he was young is still in there somewhere. It takes a huge amount of strength and energy and you need support. Look at what help is available to you and take things a tiny step at a time...this is too big to fix in one fell swoop.

Good luck with it.

I really feel for you.

Dear Sponkle, thank you, it does feel like my son is lost because no one can reach him right now.
Youth offending arent involved with my DS as he got away with a caution. On the whole everyone is brushing this under the carpet, agree that small steps need to be taken. I know my DS is still a human being as we all are but he needs to show just a tiny willingness to accept help.
No one can make him have counselling, or anger management, or drug counselling, and that doesn't even cover the other issues.
All I know is I'm feeling very low and helpless, and feel like not even being a part of the process any more. I know it sounds selfish, but I don't have any support, I don't have a family and have limited friends, and the social worker is a temp, who barely speaks English, no wonder SS aren't doing anything.
Moan over, I am going to email the local MP and Director of Looked After Children, may be that will get things moving. Thank you for your support, if it wasn't for Mum's net, no doubt I would have been in a mental hospital by now!

I have a saying re: DS.

''You can lead a horse to water but it has to want to drink. Sometimes just getting that horse to be somwhere remotely near to the water will have to do. The rest is up to the horse.''

Youth offending teams do deal with people who are not yet criminals but who may be likely to go that way (as a preventative) so it still might be worth talking to them.

Hang on in there Missjit

Hi, I had terrible trouble with my now 17 yr old DD a couple of years ago, including a brush with the law for stealing, because she was at risk of commiting further crime I was entitled to see a parent support worker from the local youth offending team. I really needed help to restore our relationship and cope until the storm of her behaviour subsided, rather than with the crime stuff. It was so helpful to have someone come to the house each week and chat and give me strategies and ways of changing my behaviour to lesson the problems and impact of DDs behaviour. It saw me through a difficult patch and I really get on with DD so much better now she's not perfect but is over the worst. I would really reccommend this if its available in your area.

BTW I wasnt offered this support but found it and self referred it took me ages to find it, Im amazed there isnt more support for parents of teenagers in our country

Irate, I have asked for the information from SS and for them to arrange/liaise with my LA to assist, but they have done nothing to date. My SS say it would be more helpful for them to refer, which they haven't done. I will call them myself!

I have always found SS less than helpful with regard to my DS who was in a similar situation with the added complication of being mentally ill.
I had to pretty much refuse to have him at home and was dealt with quite harshly in regard to my reluctance to have him. It nearly destroyed me.
You have my sympathy. If you are ok to have him at home only agree if outside agencies are involved with a plan...... and actually meeting them. Or refuse. That's my advice. Pm me if I can help in any way.

Refuse to have him when his current placement comes to an end and they will find another foster carer for him.

There is no way given what you have posted that you can meet his needs - and if you tried it would only be at great cost to your mental health. Please try very hard not to feel guilty about this. And don't let SS pressure you.

OP, I've PM'd you some more info.

To everyone else - I'm posting some stuff to OP that involves a bit too much detail for the public board about both of us - but I'm helping as much as I can.

I do think that Laurie's point is well made, and that it can be completely counter-productive for any parent who is struggling or vulnerable or fragile to have a teenager back from care if they feel they will not be able to cope.

It is awful that children's services' budgets have come to this. Although in a recent case I helped with - it wasn't the budget that was the problem, it was a catalogue of human error and apathy.

LaurieFairyCake, thank you , I do feel very very guilty, which is human, I'm just trying to hang on to the last shreds of my mental health I have, if I could be stronger I would. I just want to draw attention to the people who can help, they may not be able to help me, but may be DS wont be another grim statistic and that is worth hanging on to!

LineRunner, thank you so much for taking the time to help.

I understand there may be budget restraints but in the long term if SS is governed by this, there will be other budgets being drained, and more children lost, which is a shame. I feel so desperately sad for anyone else going through this, it is like hell, but knowing there are people even though I don't have family, keeps me trying and a tiny bit sane in this madness!

wannabestressfree, thank you for sharing. SS don't seem to care that my mental health is the reason I had to leave my son when I was a teenager, they refuse to accept my feelings of guilt for not being there destroyed my mentality in my 20's, and that I have tried many times to take my life, is not a valid reason for not taking my son. It's not the only reason, but they pretend like it doesn't exist (mental health issues that is), and I know when I'm getting near the edge and this situation is enough to cause that..but I am trying not to let them bully me and I have told them so.

Missjt, thanks for that, I'm glad to try to help in some small way.

I just wanted to say, Social Services cannot just turf your son out. The Local Authority has a duty of care to him whilst he is 'looked after' at 15, 16 and 17, and must make sure he has somewhere to live. I think it is beneficial for you to state in writing, while your son is 15, that you are unable to cope with having him home; but that you will work with them to arrange putting the help, support and therapy in place - with your son's clear agreement - that will be neccesary for any future return. Don't let them sneak them back through your door on the eve of his 16th birthda, unless you are sure you can manage.

So sorry for you and your family. Glad you are getting some support on here.

Linerunner, I will be sure when I attend meetin with SS next week that this is indeed my plan. I wish I did have family but I am quite alone, having grown up in care myself, I know what they other side is like. Support on here has been amazing and so much appreciated, don't know what I would have done otherwise.
Hopefully the top people will facilitate the clear plan that is needed, the rest must come from DS, which I am doubtful, but can always hope.

Missjt, I remember your last post, and how much effort you were putting in arranging to have your son come to live with you, so I can see how bad it must feel now. From what you are saying you have discovered now, I do think you should say 'no' under these changed circumstances.

This would be a new care arrangement for your son - he's not 'coming back' to you, really, because it's so long since he lived with you. The social workers really have no idea how this would work out - certainly much less of an idea than you. It might help you to bear in mind that you are the expert in your parenting abilities: no-one knows better than you how you would cope, and if you don't think you would, you are much more likely to be right than they are.

You will feel guilty, of course, but you shouldn't, because given what you have described, you are right that you could not look after him safely or effectively - so really, logically (not emotionally of course) you are being a better parent to him, and acting in his best interests, by refusing to have him now.

Is there a women's centre in your area? If so, you might get some support for yourself from them... And because you have mental health issues yourself, you may find there is a MH advocacy service that will help you make your points to social services. It sounds like you are very articulate and quite assertive already, but sometimes social workers seem to take agencies more seriously than individual parents.

I really, really feel for you, and I really wish you well in this incredibly difficult situation.

Hi flow4, good to hear from you, just not in these circumstances. It all seems logical to me, you and others, but not to the so called professionals. I will find out if there is anyone that can advocate on my behalf as there are more people against me than with me, which is what I am trying to convey.

It's true I can articulate myself well enough, but this can and has deteriorated when I can't speak for myself when my mental health is suffering.

I'm used to bullies, I dont think SS mean to..but that's how it feels right now.

However thanks to all the useful, supportive advice I will be able to present myself in a better way.

Thank you so much.

It's terrible that you feel bullied by social services - really awful. I'm sure individual social workers would be horrified to think they were having this effect, but the system as a whole can be really oppressive :(

Can I ask you a difficult question? (Sorry if this sounds outrageous - I haven't been in your situation, so it might be impossible for reasons I don't understand ...) But... What would happen if you just walked away from conversations with social services? If you said something like "I'm not going to have him, full stop. I want to re-build a relationship with my son, but I can't care for him. I've told you all this already, and I can't see the point of saying it over and over again. Goodbye"... And literally broke off contact with them, and refused to meet again until after his care arrangements have been sorted - maybe even went away for a while...?

Obviously you don't want to walk away from your son - you would want to let him know that you are not walking away from him, you are stepping back from a situation you know wouldn't be good for either of you... Trying to do what you think is in his best interests...

I'm not entirely sure what would happen but it wouldn't be taken very well by either my son or SS.

The only worry I would have is that they may not allow me to be involved in the process at a later date.

Because his dad won't have him there is a risk he would be made a ward of court thatbis to say SS legally get to decide what happens to DS.

So not sure about that, I can say I will talk to you but I'm not taking him until he has the right care plan in place and may be in the future if things change I will be willing to reconsider my position.

I do think I will have to play hardball though!!!

I can see the best option is to keep talking... But maybe bear in mind you could withdraw from discussions if you feel your mental health gets to a critical point? You won't be any good to your son if you go under...

Also, even if SS don't like what you say and do, your son is old enough that whether or not you see him isn't their decision, it's his... There are no child protection concerns relating to you, so I don't think they'd be able to stop contact if he wants it... At least, that's my understanding of the law... (Perhaps someone else has some 'expert' knowledge and can confirm?)

Another consideration is his education. Is your DS currently attending school or an education provision? What school year is he? Would he be able to attend his current education provider if he moved in with you?

The chances of getting a child into a new education provision in years 10 & 11 with a history of poor behavior (exclusions) is difficult. Even if they claim he will get priority as a Looked After Child, it's not easy. If schools in the area are full you would have to appeal which takes time and is not guaranteed to be successful or he could/would end up in an alternative provision that does not offer a full range of GCSEs. You could use this as part of your argument as to why it is not in your DS interest to move with you. I would call admissions and appeals and confirm if schools in the area are full to share at the meeting.

It would impact on your situation further if he was ay home while education provision was being found.

Tunks313, he will be in year 11, so it will be difficult to find a school placement especially with his history.
He currently goes to school out of London so there is another challenge as the LA need to liaise with the London LA.
DS is not expected to achieve any gcse's as he simply doesn't do any work and most of the time he either walks out of school or is in isolated learning. No one seems to be prioritising education, but that may be down to DS unwillingness to want to achieve anything and not follow rules.