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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

help i found dd old clothes hidden in ds room

52 replies

HUNILUV · 22/02/2006 23:37

While having a sort out i found a carrier bag stuffed in the back of a drawer in ds room my heart sunk when i opened it i actually felt sick it was full of my dd old clothes including underwear but also some items that did not belong to dd.I dont know how to handle this i was going to ask dd if she knew anything but dont feel that would be fair at this stage, i probably should throw them away and hope he grows out of it but i dont want to hurt him or stop him coming to me if he needs to talk it is a great shock and really hard to know what to do.I try to be openminded and try to see things from all angles but to be honest i cant seem to think straight.
I need to talk to him but how do i bring it up and should i let him carry on or tell him he must stop i worry about other people knowing and the reactions he will get.
Anyone else been through this any advice please.

OP posts:
UCM · 23/02/2006 03:05

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UCM · 23/02/2006 03:09

Lou38 sorry that you feel like that. I often post on here in the wee hours because I work nights.

How old is your Son?

UCM · 23/02/2006 03:21

Lou38, I am sorry to hijack this thread but as the original poster said you were a troll, I am sure you wouldn't mind

Chandra · 23/02/2006 05:07

Hope you have not left Mumsnet forever Lou, you can get plenty of advice here (apart of some bouts of other people's paranoias as you have been able to observe tonight).

To say that most people at this hour are troll is a HUGE fault in Sherlock's radar. I'm here most of the nights at late hours (this is the only time I can have some time to study as DS is bouncing of the walls through out the day), most people here at night are mums waiting to nightfeed their babies, students working late, people with suden health emergencies and, sometimes, a bunch of drunk mumsneters in the chat topic (which I avoid like the plague since a normally nice mumsnet drunk as a sailor had a very agressive go at me).

So please ignore us, there have been many incidents in Mumsnet and some people had become over sensitive (there have been paedophiles here and even a guy who arranged a RL meeting with a mum under the guise of being a mother). Yes, this is a very clique oriented site, but most of the times is very supportive as well. Once you are addicted to it you become part of the clique

Good luck to you and your son, lets hope it's all a misunderstanding.

Chandra · 23/02/2006 05:12

Sherlock, the other big group that posts late here are mumsneters living out of Europe.

lockets · 23/02/2006 09:03

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LOU38 · 23/02/2006 09:42

Lockets thanks for your support ds is 13 and dd is 15, i may drop a hint or two to dd see if she knows anything to be honest it never occured that she may have given him the clothes i suppose it is possible i know i shouldnt but i am very tempted to see if i can find anything else wouldnt you? Its not that im going to disown him or anything if he does like wearing them but obviously i would prefer it if there was another reason thats only natural isnt it.

lockets · 23/02/2006 09:45

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RedZuleika · 23/02/2006 10:30

Trolls or no trolls...

I don't have teenage children (yet!), so I haven't any useful suggestions for how to deal with your son. However, I just wanted to say that I met a bloke once who 'confessed' his crossdressing urges to me whilst drunk. He was a complete stranger who just came and sat next to me (we were out in the Rocks in Sydney, people were in the streets watching fireworks and we both got separated from our friends). Early 20s. I thought he was winding me up at first, but his misery and self-loathing were tangible. Perhaps he found it easier to tell a complete stranger - in the same way that people ring the Samaritans (or, indeed, come on here). I really felt that I shouldn't react badly, in case he was sincere and I was a litmus test for whether he told anyone else.

He didn't think he was gay, but he was so deeply ashamed of his cross-dressing urges that he'd contemplated suicide. I just felt terribly sorry for him that he felt all doors were closed to him and that none of his family / friends would listen, let alone understand. I've just got to think that a happy son in a frock is a better prospect than a miserable, self-harming, self-loathing, repressed one.

Personally, I'd put the bag back, pretend I hadn't seen it and just try and make myself open to discussion (although I stress again, I don't have teenagers...). Hope you feel better about it!

MNHQ
JJmumsnet · 23/02/2006 13:59

Hi all - just a reminder of our policy on trolls here .

Hattie05 · 23/02/2006 14:50

You havn't invaded personal club at all!! As LGJ said, its just an odd first post, but unless you know the board you don't know what is the 'norm'.

'trolls' are commonly young boys looking from a cheap thrill from conversations they start, (or so i assume). And i honestly did have suspicion with your first post that you were perhaps a 13 yr old interested in hearing what 'mothers' views of cross dressing were! But as i said, too well written for a young boy really .

Yes i understand why you would be hoping that theres a simple answer to his clothes in the drawer, and i feel that is very likely the case. Whatever the outcome i wish you well!

RedZuleika · 23/02/2006 15:10

"i honestly did have suspicion with your first post that you were perhaps a 13 yr old interested in hearing what 'mothers' views of cross dressing were"

Even if it was a young person's post - all the more reason to respond sensitively, I'd have thought.

(Not that I'm suggesting you were saying anything to the contrary, Hattie05)

Hattie05 · 23/02/2006 15:18

Absolutely which is why i responded and didn't just ignore!

LOU38 · 24/02/2006 14:15

Well still none the wiser as the best way to deal with this, i cant see a way of bringing it up with ds, if i ask outright he will of course deny it and if i tell him i found the clothes then he will just be embarrased which will just add more tension to a sensitive problem, if i let on i know then there is the risk of turning an experiment or a stage into a bigger thing especially if he takes me knowing as some kind of acceptance.Not sure if any of this makes sense just rambling a bit i know.
Anyway have decided to drop hints with dd over this weekend in the hope she has some idea of what is going on

jowen · 24/02/2006 16:21

LOU38.

I really would leave it. don't ask your daughter, 15 year old girls can be incredibly indiscreet, she may tell one of her friends who goes on to tell everyone, with exaggeration, and it could make your son't life very unhappy.

If he is dressing up in girls clothes, so what? He is little more than a child anyway! He is going parading around in a short skirt ans full slap outside, he isn't hurting anyone.

Your reluctance to let him know you know in case the thinks you accept it worries me. If he is wearing girl's cothing, your acceptance or lack of it will make no difference to his desire to do so. It will make a huge differance in his ability to talk to you about the way he feels though.

LOU38 · 24/02/2006 19:07

Jowen, I'm not going to tell my dd i was hoping that by maybe mentioning cross dressing i would be able to judge her reaction and then go on to drop a few hints if i thought she had any idea as another poster said maybe ask "what ever happened to a certain top" i'm sure you would agree it would be easier to bring up the subject just in passing with dd than with ds.
I am not saying that i would not accept the situation i like to think i'm fairly broad minded but am i really wrong to hope he is not wearing these clothes and also if he is to wish he didnt i certainly wont love him any less.
If he is wearing these things and i think he must be why else would they be there i would rather it was in the open so that he can at least talk about it.

RedZuleika · 24/02/2006 21:15

I'm with Jowen, to be honest. I really wouldn't bring it up at the moment.

Also - I don't mean to be rude - but perhaps you could take some time to think about whether you think your son would really be benefitted from getting it out in the open, or are you thinking more about you and your need to put your mind at rest...?

jowen · 24/02/2006 21:20

But, LOU38, you are his mum. You are probably the last person he wants to talk to on this subject. Can you imagine how you would have felt at 13, if your dad had come and talked to you about the way you were handling your periods or something? I would have been mortified, and I think you raising this subject with your son will cause a similar level of embarrassment.

I honestly don't think your son will be better off with this out in the open, I think he will tell you if and when he is ready, and that is if he is even still bothering to do it! This may just be a teenage thing, he may have forgotten about it completely by the time he is 20. It really doesn't need discussing until he wants to, IMHO.

zippitippitoes · 24/02/2006 21:22

is it possible that your daughter shoved them in there because they were taking up room in her room but she wasn't sure whether she wanted to chuck them out?

spidermama · 24/02/2006 21:32

Lou I would read up about cross dressing. I once watched a documentary by the Turner Prize winning artist Grayson Perry, who also happens to be a cross dresser. It was really enlightening and I felt far more relaxed about the whole subject and more understanding of the people who do it.

Your ds may not be a cross dresser as many boys experiment around this time. If he is though it's not the end of the world and he is still the ds you love. It's other people ignorance which may well prove to be the hardest part.

All the best.

spidermama · 24/02/2006 21:33

Here it is. Well worth getting hold of this if you can.

LOU38 · 26/02/2006 12:20

Well having read your opinions and looked at a few websites on the subject i have decided it would be best to leave things as they are,i have to admit thinking about it now it is more a matter of me needing to know what is going on and not losing control of his life which of course is the wrong reason to be forcing this issue out into the open.
I intend to comment on any cross dresser on the telly or in the news, tell him i think that person is brave etc for daring to be themselves,just try to keep saying positive things without being to obvious so that if he ever wants to he will feel he can come to me and i will understand.
Would still be interested in any other mums experiance of this.

ThePrisoner · 26/02/2006 23:48

Don't just comment on cross-dressing, it will be a bit obvious!!

spidermama · 26/02/2006 23:52

I think it's fine even if it is obvious. It sounds like a loving and caring way to approach the issue and it won't be lost on him if, indeed, he has been experimenting. He'd appreciate it I'm sure.

Good luck to you LOU38.

NewID · 27/02/2006 01:42

Hiya.

I have changed my name for this post (only) because there are people on here who know me in RL and I don't want to upset anyone. I post in the middle of the night, because I am an insomniac who often works late! I promise I am genuine.

Just wanted to say to Lou that my bf is married to a cross-dresser. It was very hard for both him and her to come to terms with it, but they have managed it. He's not gay in any way shape or form. The cross-dressing is just part of who he is. They have a perfectly 'normal' (whatever that is) family life and most people who know him would never guess...

That's not to say that your son is a cross-dresser Lou. He's very young, and I'd guess that there is a more innocuous explanation.

HTH