Lazy/disorganised ds going to uni - will it change him?

[Parttimeslave]

Hi. Bit of insight wanted from experienced mums with sons who've gone off to uni. I've got ds1 in his first year who's doing fine, naturally good with money (even manages to save some of his loan) and has coped really well.

Ds2 (17) (if he even goes to uni) would struggle to manage his finances - he is totally rubbish with money. The thought of him getting £3,000 loan all at once is horrifying!

He's lazy and selfish at home, like a lot of teenagers I imagine. Will do stuff if nagged to within an inch of him life etc. Has a Saturday job, thank god, which funds his very active social life, but most of his wages are gone in the first week!

Has anyone had a disorganised, rubbish with money, lazy, self-centred son come back from the first year at uni a changed person......please say yes someone!!

Well he won't have you to organise him, do his washing, cooking etc. A spell of living on beans on toast when he runs out of money halfway through the term, and having to turn his underpants inside out when he runs out of clean will do him good, as long as you refuse to bail him out. I've been pleasantly surprised how well spendthrift DS has managed to get through the year. We have only just had one SOS for money and that was last week, we did lend him some , and from the look of his FB he has spent it on beer! He will be getting a job and paying it back though.
He has also been teaching the girls in his halls how to cook in return for free meals :)

Learning how to look after oneself is a big part of going away for the first time, whether it's to uni or to start a job elsewhere. He may have some nasty lessons, eg when his money first runs out, but he has to learn them some time. It will be nervewracking for you but he'll survive.

No, but I have a daughter who lived with two of them in her student accommodation in the first year and it was horrible.
They lived like slobs in their rooms, filled their wardrobes with empty pizza boxes, never washed up and were disgusting.
So she and the other 4 in the flat had to train them to be half-way civilised. They used some pretty brutal and imaginative ways, but by Easter they were almost suitable as cohabitants.
If he's not good with money, you could do the strategic release of cash, per term or per month into his account. If he's really rubbish, I'd go for catered so that he doesn't starve.

If he's rubbish with money, I probably wouldn't be giving him any. When it's your own money, you learn to be a bit cannier a bit quicker.

Will it change him? He'll probably catch on a bit quicker that it's not that nice living in a pig sty than if he lived at home, but I know people who've been through university and are still utter mingers.

I have a previously disorganised, spendaholic son who is 20. He hasn't gone to Uni but he has moved away from home for work. It's been the making of him to be honest. He still lives like a slob (but then he probably ingests a fair few unsavoury things in his line of work so his hygiene is probably a little lax when he's in his bedsit) but he sure has learned to manage his money.

Sometimes it doesn't - usually it does. I'm in Uni atm and remember student houses are famously yucky! However, ours is clean and pretty and it stays that way (except during deadlines when empty cans of energy drinks threaten to overtake the lounge or the morning after a party where you look round, take a deep breath and go into battle). I know a lot of people it can change, and most people want to please their flatmates so they will learn to do things at home. I know a lot of people go home wanting to help their parents more, as well as wanting hot food and a comfy bed. I think it will help.

Thanks everyone. Feel slightly more optimistic about the situation! The idea to release his loan in controlled amounts makes a lot of sense. Thanks.

When DD1 started uni she was disorganised and had not ben very good with her finances I thought she would run out of money, However she learnt to budget and although she was and still is a bit of a last minite person she got all her asignments in on time, She didn;t run out of money, She has now just finished uni and is a mature more organised young lady,

Maybe you can encourage him to set aside his rent money straight away when the loan comes in to ensure that he won't be hit with late-fees etc? Unless you were planning to pay his rent of course, which is a quite common contribution up here.

Also don't worry - I'm at uni now (volunteering with the Advice service) and while we get a fair few people running into problems with their finances most universities have good support and advice systems in place (including discretionary and emergency funds). Encourage him to find out if his university has an advice service and how to get in touch with them if he ever needs to.

I think everyone learns to handle money while at uni, and chances are many of his friends will be budget conscious as well after a little while so they can help each other.

i have just finished my first year of uni, although having a few problems money hasn't been that bad despite having a lot less than most (messed up my student finance accidently) but in our flat we help each other out if we're short a little bit we bail each other out with meals and toiletrees if we have anything spare. you learn how to make £11.50 supermarket shop last 4 weeks, i find it really fun trying to find the cheapest stuff to eat, you survive at uni coz you have to, it's embarassing to ask family for bail outs so you find other ways, yeah you live in a pigsty expecially after parties and deadlines. one thing that has helped people and is something my uni tells prospective students is give your DS an amount of money (however much you would spend on a meal for your family) send him to the supermarket and get him to get the ingredients. also start getting him to cook for himself while at home, if you trust him, get him to do a weeks shop (only if you trust him not to make you live off potnoodle) but start trying to make him do some of your jobs (like the shopping) (after exams of course) but it seems to help people :) he'll survive... everyone else does :)

OP, you don't get his loan so you can't control it. I agree with the poster who said he should go for fully catered accommodation - it's more expensive but the money is taken out on the day they get their loan. There wouldn't be any other bills.

'OP, you don't get his loan so you can't control it.'

You can only help with their consent, so my DS is currently very bad at rationing his money. When he goes to uni, we'll be working together to help him ration out his money to make it last.

I think the really important thing is not to bail him out, and if you do have to help at some point make sure that it's with very strict conditions that you follow through on. My dh went to university bad with money and came out even worse because his dad gave him more money whenever he asked and when he ran out of that he sponged off me! He really missed an important life lesson at a point when it woudln't have cost him very much.

What nooka said. It will only be a maturing experience if he realises that nobody will bail him out: if he mismanages money he won't eat, if he doesn't revise he will fail.

He won't get the loan all at once anyway - its 3 payments.. One in sept, one in jan and one in April - that should help him budget!!

What a horrible thought sparkles, finding another woman who will look after him and perpetuate the problem. Who knows, in a few years the girlfriend could be on here, joining the hundreds of posters complaining about their partner's inability to do basic tasks and how they have to do everything for him.
Let's hope for a better outcome than that.
Goes back to my grandmother's advice, never take a man directly from his mother and the nest. Let them survive in the real world for a few years.
She'd be 112 if she was still around, and just as adamant.

'He still doesn't know how to work the dishwasher or washing machine '

Ahhh Bless.

Make sure he doesn't get a credit card or bank loan. That's how I scuppered myself and I took years to sort out the mess.

But why can't he work a few appliances sparkles?
Any reason other than idleness?
My DS has been able to stuff things in the washing machine and hoover for years and he's 17 now. Cooking is still fairly basic, but he knows that it ends with him washing up.

Now that I agree with!
DD is just as handy as DS, different skillset.

I don't think you should manage his money for him because he will never learn. All you can do is provide guidance. Suggest that he opens a savings account, puts the full loan into it, then transfers £250 per month into his current account, if he struggles with that he can look for a p/t time.

Every time you see him you could provide him with a little hamper of groceries, my mum still does this despite me being 39! I'm very grateful for it.

Job not time.