19year old who won't look for a job

[winniemum]

My son is 19 and home from Uni. I am keen for him to get a job as he has a 4 1/2 month holiday and he seems to think it's fine to spend his whole time on the PS3. This causes a lot of friction between him and my OH who has a strong work ethic and thinks he is wasting his life. I agree with OH.
I am also thinking about when he leaves Uni and has to fill in an application form with previous work experience, as he has nothing!
I came home today to find him on the PS3 again! and told him I didn't want him on it until he'd applied for some jobs. He doesn't speak to me about it but just goes up to his room. He will stay in his room for ages and more time goes by when he's not looking for a job.
Any advice please. The thought of a summer with OH and DS not getting on, fills me with dread.
He also needs the money as he is massively overdrawn and of course I'm not giving him any money.

How does he plan to get through the summer if he has no money? I mean he's left home really hasn't he? So technically you could stop feeding him... I'm not suggesting that you do that but he definitely needs to contributing while he's under your roof. He has 4 months off, he can't possibly expect to do nothing for 4 months!?

Get him involved woth house routine, pay him to do chores, Get him to cook a meal for you all, and then spend some time asking about how course is going, what his friends are doing this summer, does he plan to go to any festivals etc? Won't take long to save up for these of he works. Also, what abput working abroad, as a holiday rep? Hard work, great fun...

I agree with you Vicky. He has a 'free' £1000 overdraft from his bank, so he has £400 left. He thinks he can get by on that.
The thing is he does expect to do nothing for 4 months! Apart from physically dragging him to the job centre, I'm not sure how I can 'make him' get a job.

Could you try a withdrawal of parenting 'services' like laundry/cleaning/ironing/cooking until he understands that if he wants the privileges of rent-free accommodation he needs to do your half of the deal (getting a job).

So much depends on your relationship - up to a certain point I still obeyed my mother when I was at uni because she had taught me that not doing so wasn't worth my while but it's also character/relationship-based (DSis would fight it out to, e.g. roll in at 4am).

Okay, here's the harsh bit (but meant kindly):

I wish I could shake every student who thinks an overdraft is free money - have you tried sitting down with his T&Cs and pointing out that it's not 'his money', it's the bank's money and they will want it back. They only offer those huge overdrafts to make money - mine (£200) is still interest-free but if I'd taken the full £1,000 it would have dropped to charges for anything over £500 within a couple of months of finishing uni. He will not get a job without work experience - trust me, I am a graduate who had three part-time jobs at uni and I'm finding it tough because the market is flooded with people who have worked for years in my industry and recently been made unemployed. Someone with no work experience trying to get a job will get laughed at. The only people who had jobs on leaving my MSc course were those with previous industry experience (sum total of one person out of nine). There are people who finished the course last September who are still unemployed.

Would you be happy if he did unpaid work experience in his field? That might appeal to him more, although it wouldn't solve his money problems.

Well your ultimate sanction would obviously be to make him move out but I would suggest the expecting him to play a full role in running the house if he is not out earning £££ is the best way. You can make it clear you will expect less housework from him if he is not working. Basically, and I'm sorry to say this, but you just have to nag him until it's actually less hassle to actually do something than sit around. Tough love I'm afraid but I'm not saying its easy.

OP you would be well within your rights to stop providing any services for him...no laundry, no food in specially for him, no meals prepared. He gets a bed and a roof over his head.

Or, if he isn't prepared to go out to work, and wants 'looking after' then are there any other ways he could contribute to the running of the house?

Sorry there is a double negative in there that went wrong : you can make it clear that you expect less housework if he IS working!

So tell him you want £25 per week food and board. That takes care of the £400 he has left of overdraft.

I say this as someone with a 20 yr old stepdaughter home from uni. She has no money, not into overdraft - yet. But the pressure is on, she HAS to get a job, and she knows it. Has an interview next week, she has been to every job agency in town and is trying. I hope all goes well.

Until she starts work, she hasn't given us any board, BUT has been useful in other ways. I am OK with that as she is making an effort in other ways.

Pull the rug from under his feet, tell him you want a weekly contribution!!

I'm watching this thread with interest, since I have a 17 yo who has finished college for the year, has no plans at all for next year, and is making no effort to find a job or do anything else... He will however (recent development!) do chores if he wants some money. :)

Presumably he's going back to uni in October? If so, I think you must be funding him pretty generously. I would be telling him his uni "allowance" is going down by £xxx, and he needs to see about making up the difference if he's going to have any kind of social life next term.

Thanks so much for your replies. I had words with him this morning and told him he will be doing chores etc and that he should be paying us about £25 a week rent. Of course he flew off the handle and started saying I obviously wanted him to go back to his University town and didn't want him at home.
Deep breaths, he then calmed down this afternoon and told me he's suffering with anxiety and has been to see his GP. It never rains but it pours in our house.
So now I feel like I'm going to have to take this thing more carefully, although I have told him he still needs to get a job.
I am sick with worry, and have been so tearful today, as he is usually such a good lad in lots of ways. I am worried now about his anxiety too.
We don't fund him generously at Uni, that's why he's so overdrawn. He has taken out the loans offered to him.

I did wonder if he might be a bit depressed, that's why I was suggesting asling about his friends and any plans for the summer. Working and saving to go to a festival or mini break with them might be more motivating than simply looling for a job because you said so and he's scared a bout money
Don't back down but try to get him focusing on some fun things or volunteer things too, ps3 v bad for compounding depression...

Excuse typos - mobile phone...

That's good advice Incaminka. I agree the PS3 can't be good for him. Will try and get him to plan for the summer, as he loves routine and knowing exactly what he's doing. Maybe he will start to save as you say.
Just feel like my whole world has been turned upside down TBH.

If it makes you feel any better winnie my DS rarely worked in the hols, partly because jobs were hard to come by and partly because he preferred his computer, etc.

He had a part time job at a pub one year and did a 6 week experience placement another but otherwise it was just World of Warcraft. He graduated with a good degree and now has a good job.

I think sometimes we try to impose our own ways onto them but they will get to wherever they want to go in their own time of we chill out a bit. Sometimes I look back and wonder why did I stress and push mine as much as I did.

Tranquil, I think that may have been the case in the past, but nowadays, especially in the current economic situation, employers expect you to have some sort of work on your CV. It doesn't matter what kind, but they need it to show that the jobseeker has no problems with timekeeping, keeping to the rules of the job and working with others. It's more than just having a job.

Definitely agree, OP, that PS3 will not help your DS at all. Encourage him to look for jobs, but give sanctions if he doesn't, like having to pay you £25 per week rent and also doing housework. The physical stuff might help him. There are jobs out there, you just have to work pretty hard to get them. My DS got a job quite easily, but he did have to put himself out and he did have something else to fall back on. His friends have just got jobs, too. Now is a good time to look, but you do have to put your CV out there and also keep looking, every day, online. Good luck to your DS. When he gets a job, he'll probably love it as the social aspect will be good for him, too.

Agree that the worst thing you can do when you suffer from anxiety is sit inside every day playing computer games or whatever.

Does he like working with kids at all? Plenty of summer schools recruiting for activity leaders to do sports/art with kids. I have taught at a few and it's normally a right laugh. Everything is very planned out so might be a good bet for him.

Am sitting down with DS tomorrow and helping him write a CV. I know the best thing for him is to keep busy, but at the moment he can't see that.
He's always lacked confidence, I've tried for the last 19 years to point out what a great lad he is but he doesn't believe it himself. DS2 on the other hand is the most confident boy you've ever come across, you wouldn't believe they are from the same family.
Thanks for all the helpful suggestions. Will post on here when he gets a job.

From reading through I guess the idea is not just for him to earn money but also to use the time constructively to get work experience, gain confidence, etc.

Have you thought about suggesting to him to travel and work at the same time? It might be a bit of a cliche but travel at that age does a lot for confidence and self-reliance. I did Work America when I was about 20 and it was one of the best things i ever did in that respect. (you can also work on summer camps teaching kids) It might mean he needs to save a bit of cash first but it's a great experience all-round: and probably still in time for this year. There are also things like Eurocamp and others. All good ways to earn and develop at the same time.

He could also look at getting coaching qualifications in sport (swimming, life-guarding, football?), first aid, languages, etc (a lot of this is usually free - or very cheap - to students) Plus for next year there are internships to possibly think about.

It's important he realizes that you don't need to feel confident when you start these things - that comes from doing them. All the above would build confidence, earn money, and definitely beat a summer spent working in a cake factory.. (one of the many summer jobs I had..)

I often work with unemployed graduates who have blithely assumed that having a degree will be an automatic golden ticket into a job. Unfortunately it is not.

Employers are much more interested in relevant experience than whether you got a 2(1) from a red brick. I would suggest your ds spends his summer hols getting some work experience even if it's in a voluntary / unpaid role. Volunteering is a great way of building up some confidence - it's not nearly as stressful as going through job applications, rejections, interviews etc and then ending up in a role you may not feel happy in. It can be a very good way of building confidence and get him off the PS

You know, your ds has shown you great trust admitting that he's struggling with anxiety. That's a good place to start.

watching with intent, i've just finished first year really struggling to find a job looking every day asking everywhere ect. next summer decided i'll do volenteering in the work i wish to do after uni, but i kinda need a job or i have to admit defeat and go home for a bit during the summer as i won't be able to feed myself, ah the joys, hope he find something i know work (that wasn't too stressful) helped my problems loads and being out of work and away from home has made me a bit worse, especially with the knock backs of no-one wanting to employ me as i don't have much bar experience, all the fun stuffs that come with job searching.

agree with other posters though, PS3=bad for any mental disorder, i should know had to research it this year

My son (17) is going to be in the same situation in two weks' time, so I am also watching with interest.

I'm guessing that anxiety/lack of confidence is behind a lot of young people's unwillingness to sort out a work experience placement or get a job, but it looks exactly like laziness. I think the outside world is a terrifying place for some of them, and their computer games are a refuge and a rest, so it's not all bad.

But the question is, how to increase their confidence.

At least your boy is seeing a doctor. We haven't got to that stage yet, although my son has admitted he has a problem (as if it is something to be ashamed about).

I think this is much more widespread than I had ever imagined. Does anyone know of any research into anxiety in young men?

I also investigated the Camp America idea btw, but applications are closed now for 2012.

US summer camp fairs are held in the UK in January or February I think; the counsellors will all be out there now. That kind of thing calls for a level of organisation on the part of the student which is way beyond most of them certainly in the first year.

winniemum, if your DS can't find a paid job over the summer (& there aren't many out there unless you have contacts), could he find something voluntary to do instead, & you give him pocket money as recognition of his efforts?

I think there would be less pressure on him to perform in a voluntary job, so it could be more enjoyable & less anxiety-provoking, but would also give him some useful work experience, keep him occupied, & get him off the bloody PS3!

Next year he could think about applying to companies like Eurocamp or Esprit for a summer job abroad, if he'd like to do that?

Good luck, I hope he will be able to find something he'll enjoy doing

\link{http://www.ccusa.co.uk/moreinformation/campfairs.aspx\CCUSA}
\link{http://www.bunac.org/uk/summercampusa/recruitmentfair.aspx\BUNAC}
\link{http://www.campamerica.co.uk/page/applications/152\Camp America}
\link{http://www.holidaybreakjobs.com/hbjobs/uk/home.cfm\Eurocamp & Keycamp}

and I just came across this via google: \link{http://www.sheffieldcareersfairs.ac.uk/recruitment-fairs/2012_sef/visitors/\summer experience online recruitment fair} at Sheffield - probably the other universities run similar schemes

it looks as if straight after Christmas is probably the best time to start looking for the next year. Although it helps with the American camps to have a certified sporting or other speciality, they still take lots of bunk counsellors (sharing a bunkhouse with a small group of kids & being a sort of big brother/sister) - you just need to like kids & enjoy having (sometimes messy) fun they are great communities & loads of counsellors go back year after year.

Thanks for the replies. He has finally written a CV and sent it to a number of shops / restaurants etc. Although he wouldn't have done it without me reminding him constantly Still not got a job yet though. He says he likes the idea of camp America for next year but in reality judging by this year I don't think he wants to be too far from home.
I'm not sure that he is lazy Solopower, he is always the first to clear up etc after meals and DH asked him to help in the garden the other day, they spent all day out there and he just got on with it. Maybe he is, but then my other kids are far 'lazier' than him if that's the case.
Is anxiety very common? I must admit I knew very little about it before DS told me. He has been on antidepressants for 6 months, which I find so confusing, as he says he has had the happiest year of his life at Uni!!! He doesn't seem depressed, in the way I think of depression, but he had been getting panic attacks. I have had them myself previously and know how horrible they are, but learnt to cope with them. He wasn't able to deal with his in the same way. Why is it classed as depression?
I have noticed for a number of years now, he's not good in big social situations and retreats up to his bedroom half way through the evening. The teachers said he was a pain at school ie chatty and attention seeking just up to a point (he didn't ever get a detention), so I just thought he lacked confidence and at school he tried to hide it by showing off.

Obviously I am very concerned about him and want to support him in any way I can. I'm not sure how long anxiety like this goes on for. However he is fit to work and you are right citizen, the most important thing for me is that he is using his time constructively nad keeps busy.It would be a huge bonus if he could pay off his overdraft.
I guess you are right that he will gain confidence once he starts work it's getting him started. Hopefully he won't have to wait much longer!