19year old who won't look for a job

[winniemum]

My son is 19 and home from Uni. I am keen for him to get a job as he has a 4 1/2 month holiday and he seems to think it's fine to spend his whole time on the PS3. This causes a lot of friction between him and my OH who has a strong work ethic and thinks he is wasting his life. I agree with OH.
I am also thinking about when he leaves Uni and has to fill in an application form with previous work experience, as he has nothing!
I came home today to find him on the PS3 again! and told him I didn't want him on it until he'd applied for some jobs. He doesn't speak to me about it but just goes up to his room. He will stay in his room for ages and more time goes by when he's not looking for a job.
Any advice please. The thought of a summer with OH and DS not getting on, fills me with dread.
He also needs the money as he is massively overdrawn and of course I'm not giving him any money.

No, it doesn't sound like laziness to me. I hope you didn't think I said your son was lazy. What I was saying was that lack of confidence and anxiety look to us as if someone is being lazy, but in fact they are scared and anxious.

I think it's a relief for boys like your son and mine to have something useful to do, something they don't have to make a decision about, and something that they feel good about doing.

Your son sounds a lot like mine. In social situations he is so quiet he is invisible, and people forget he is there. Teachers don't know his name after 5 years ...

I think some of it is hormones. One minute he's dark and gloomy, the next he's singing in the shower. A very hopeful thing about your son is that he has sought and received help, and if the anti-depressants he is on aren't working, he can always ask to see a different doctor or go for some counselling.

Winniemum, I feel sorry for my son, as so much of the enjoyment of being young is being sucked out of him right now. He once explained to me that he just doesn't see how he fits in or what he is for. I never really understood this business about finding your identity, but I think that's what my son is doing, and I wonder if yours is too.

Your son sounds like a lovely boy, and I hope he finds something soon. I'm sure he will!

Thanks so much Solopower , I really don't know who I can turn to about his anxiety as it's the first time anything like this has happened in the family. He has said similar things like 'what's it all about?' and 'I hate my life' and it's so awful to hear as I always thought he was fairly happy.
I hope your son is OK. But I do think the key is keeping them busy.
His antidepressants seem to be working, I just find it so sad that I have a child who needs them. I've bought him a book called the Linden method and that seems to have really helped him cope with life in general. Interestingly the author says anxiety and depression are different things and need to be treated differently. Still learning lots about it. Maybe he has a mix of both.

I'm thinking of getting the Linden Method book that you mentioned - thanks for the tip.

I agree 100% that they need to be kept busy. The trouble is that my son complains that whenever he talks to me about something I always end up making suggestions, which he says is very irritating. I have occasionally managed to plant ideas that he has found helpful, but more often than not he says I go on too much and then he just clams up and refuses to talk. I find it incredibly difficult to hold back on the suggestions and advice, although I know it is something I really have to do, or he won't talk to me at all.

It is sad for our sons that they can't relax and be happy all the time, but who is? I really don't think it is unusual - although it is worse for them than for most other people - and I do think they will get through it and become more understanding and compassionate human beings as a result.

It sounds as if you and your son have a really good relationship. How does he get on with his father and siblings?

I'm the same, I try to make suggestions but he thinks he knows best and just says 'yes mum' to keep me quiet.
I think it's his anxiety that gets him down and not life in general as he is so happy most of the time.
We do have a great relationship, dare I say it, I've loved the teenage years with all the DC's. The real blot is DS1's relationship with his Dad. They don't get on as DH is a real alpha male- rugby player, did manual work since age 12, whereas DS1 doesn't play sport and is a much more sensitive type. My DH just doesn't get it and can't understand why he doesn't want to be sporty etc. DH is quite abrupt with him at times and I've always been a buffer between them, which is tiresome to say the least.
He gets on much better with his siblings now he's had a year away from home!
Does your DS get on with his father?

He gets on OK with him, but says he doesn't want to be like him. I wish he would just settle for being his own lovely self!

Oh the angst, the angst!

DS1 finally got a job! Mind you I had to write the application letter and get him to sign it! I know he's got to learn to do it himself, but I'm desperate to keep him and OH apart. Their relationship has gone from bad to worse over the last 4 weeks, to the point OH is directing his anger at us both. Awful.
At least DS1 will be busy now and he'll be earning some money.
Thank you for all your suggestions.
Good luck Solopower.

well done winniemum!Now look after yourself!

Well done !
Can I ask what sort of work he's found ? ....looking for hope/inspiration in similar situation .

Thanks very much. Well he applied to all the big companies, Tesco, B & Q, Next etc etc and didn't even get a reply!
Also applied to some local restaurants and now he's got a job as a waiter. Not many hours, but at least it's something and my DH is a bit happier.
My DS loved his first shift. I'm still going to help him apply for a P/T day job as he still needs more hours and it's doing him the world of good to be away from DH.
Gingeroots and anyone in the same situation - good luck. I did need to help my DS a lot to get a job though.

Thanks winnie .
I'm comforted to know that it's not just my DS that needs coaching through things .
I think if he had a bigger social group they'd help eachother a bit .
( Certainly he's not keen on advice from me )
Though maybe that's more likely with girls ?