Shaken and sad, need a hug, MN hugs are fine.

[CuttedUpPear]

DS (15yo but with possible SEN) got out of the wrong side of bed this morning. He was in a complete strop because he hadn't woken up early enough to have the shower that I had asked him to fit in (to his rigorous schedule of internet gaming) last night.

Much incomprehensible shouting and crashing ensued. He then proceeded to spent half an hour in the bathroom, risking missing the school bus.
I went downstairs and made his packed lunch for him.
More incomprehensible shouting and crashing revealed that his school shirt was dirty. Obviously the domestic here isn't working hard enough.

It was a bit smelly although not visibly dirty. I did what any good mother would do and sprayed him with Febreze. All the others were by now in the washing machine. DS then objected to the new smell and started screaming at me and throwing himself round the house. He was running out of time to get the bus and had clearly already blown the chance to walk his dog and eat breakfast.

I reverted to the usual technique which is to confiscate his laptop+ipod+notebook. Unfortunately today this didn't have the usual effect of calming him down. I told him that for every word of argument more I would keep it for another day.

He came up the stairs screaming and wagging his finger in my face. I shouted back then realised best to walk away and went in my room. He followed me and kicked the door repeatedly.

He used to be like this all the time. He gets in a rage and blames everyone for his own problems rather than dealing with them. It's more scary now he's as big as me. I was struggling to get all my clothes on as quickly as possible, I just wanted to get out of the house. I only spoke to him to remind him that it would be a wet walk to school then I managed to get out of there with the dog.
As I was driving away I saw him coming down the road with his rucksack on, he may well have made the bus in time.

I feel really shaken and really sad. What the hell is this boy going to be like when he's an adult? I fear the answer to that is 'just like his dad' (DV and EA to me for years). But I have really tried to bring him up right. I pity any girlfriend he gets in the future. I just want to cry but don't want to feel any weaker than I already do.

Gnome has a point about the Serengeti.
In fact most mammals do this. I used to work with wild horses and you would see 2-3yr old colts being kicked out of the herd (this is teenage for the equine world). They would cause a right ruckus, going off to form their own vagabond herd with the other young males, before finding females who they would take to join them and start new herds.

So...massive FAIL today with the remote parenting. After sending several reminder texts through the day, I finally get a reply at 3.30: "AAAARGH! I forgot to stay after school and got on the bus! Sorry."
Not the first time this has happened. Sadly DS was going to stay and work on his Art, which he as only just started to enjoy after a year's grumbling. My hopes were rising for his GCSE.

I'm going to be pretty unavailable round school times for the second half of May, gawd only knows how we are going to keep this together. DS really needs to use all the extra help school are offering him.

I have often thought that all our problems with teens would be solved if we just stopped trying to live with them!

Seriously, there are few other cultures in the world, and few other times in history, where 17 year old boys have been expected to stay at home with their mummies and do nothing much at all :( Where's the sense, eh? It's the time of their lives when they have the most energy and strength, and most of 'em don't get to use it. No wonder so many of them hypnotise themselves with computer games or sedate themselves with cannabis and alcohol...

Oh and Cutted, that's not a parenting fail! You did all that you could humanly have done (and a good deal more than was reasonable to expect )
That is simply an example of reaching the limits of your control and influence. There comes a point - and that was one - where you simply can't do it for them any more.

These 'harmless' moment are really important, if you ask me. He absolutely must have times where he realises he has to do things, and you can't do them for him or pick up the pieces... And they have to happen before the stakes are high... Otherwise he'll still be relying on you to do things for him, or remind him about stuff, in important and even life-threatening situations. This practice now makes it less likely he'll find himself, aged 18 say, thinking "Oops I've missed the last bus home because I was waiting for mum to text me a reminder" or "Oh dear, I slept through my first day at work" or "I wonder whether I should leave this party before the police arrive" Obviously I don't know your son and his decision-making skills, and 15 is a tricky in-between age (for you as well as him!), but I'd say it's good parenting to give him as much practice as possible of decision-making and taking responsibility for himself in safe, 'low stake' situations!

I agree with that flow4. I can't understand parent who rush their child's PE kit / musical instrument / lunch / whatever into school when they find they've forgotten it. It's all part of a learning curve in my way of thinking.

While I agree to an extent about getting them to learn to take responsibility I do wonder a bit if it is worth the angst if they are simply not ready. I am starting to think that the development for boys is not linear (slowly increasing responsibility) but a series of steps. If they cant make the next step then they sit on the step below until they are ready.

I dont think that there is necessarily a connection between failing to catch the right bus at the age of 14/15 and failing to catch the bus at 21.

DH and I were discussing DS (incrededibly droopy 13) after I had ranted once more. DH's take was that in a tribal society DS is simply not tough enough yet to join Cuttedup's vagabond herd (I love that description by the way!). Instead, by being droopy and inoffensive, DS would be left back with the women when a hunting trip was planned.

It is interesting to look at it as one's place in the tribe as after all in evolutionary terms we have only been living in nuclear families for the blinking of an eye.

So interesting about what 17yo boys are doing across the world in other cultures. I'd love to see a snapshot of that.

And also their place in the tribe. I think DS has quite a good place in the virtual tribe of minecraft, he seems to be respected. Unfortunately this is not really translating to RL!

Loving your droopy 13yo Gnome. Sums them up so well. I think they would have been eaten by wolves by now in a tribal situation.

Gnome - I can see what your dh is saying, but am distressed at the thought of ds not leaving our herd before he gets to his 42nd birthday
I'm looking forward to a bit of peace and quiet sooner than that and am keen to encourage as many hunting trips as possible
Of course, that just might be my ds ?!?

I am resigned to DS never leaving. The set up here with me and the dog suits him too well.
Actually tbh it would be a bit lonely here without him but I am hoping that he will be able to hunt and cook his own wildebeest soon. And wash up the bones without being told.