Shaken and sad, need a hug, MN hugs are fine.

[CuttedUpPear]

DS (15yo but with possible SEN) got out of the wrong side of bed this morning. He was in a complete strop because he hadn't woken up early enough to have the shower that I had asked him to fit in (to his rigorous schedule of internet gaming) last night.

Much incomprehensible shouting and crashing ensued. He then proceeded to spent half an hour in the bathroom, risking missing the school bus.
I went downstairs and made his packed lunch for him.
More incomprehensible shouting and crashing revealed that his school shirt was dirty. Obviously the domestic here isn't working hard enough.

It was a bit smelly although not visibly dirty. I did what any good mother would do and sprayed him with Febreze. All the others were by now in the washing machine. DS then objected to the new smell and started screaming at me and throwing himself round the house. He was running out of time to get the bus and had clearly already blown the chance to walk his dog and eat breakfast.

I reverted to the usual technique which is to confiscate his laptop+ipod+notebook. Unfortunately today this didn't have the usual effect of calming him down. I told him that for every word of argument more I would keep it for another day.

He came up the stairs screaming and wagging his finger in my face. I shouted back then realised best to walk away and went in my room. He followed me and kicked the door repeatedly.

He used to be like this all the time. He gets in a rage and blames everyone for his own problems rather than dealing with them. It's more scary now he's as big as me. I was struggling to get all my clothes on as quickly as possible, I just wanted to get out of the house. I only spoke to him to remind him that it would be a wet walk to school then I managed to get out of there with the dog.
As I was driving away I saw him coming down the road with his rucksack on, he may well have made the bus in time.

I feel really shaken and really sad. What the hell is this boy going to be like when he's an adult? I fear the answer to that is 'just like his dad' (DV and EA to me for years). But I have really tried to bring him up right. I pity any girlfriend he gets in the future. I just want to cry but don't want to feel any weaker than I already do.

My ds1 (almost 15) can be a bit like this at he moment, and what I find hardest is that he's not happy; in fact he's miserable.

It seems he wants to be in control of his life and be allowed to make mistakes and bad choices. He has got a detention this week for the first time ever! (He's a straight A student and always has been; never been in trouble at school.)

We are going the route of having pleasant chats with him and enjoying his company hen he's being sociable (he was lovely on Monday night), and as far as possible leaving him to it when he's being vile (as he was yesterday morning).

If we engage in arguments with him or start getting super strict and confiscating things (a la pearshaped) he just gets much much worse. We've always been quite strict on lots of issues, so this is a new experience for us; but it seems to be what he needs.

This week has been tough for me as dh has been away for 8 days, an generally he gets on better with ds1 than I do atm. It's given me a lot of respect for single parents who have to cope on their own all the time! He's back tomorrow, thank goodness.

I'm hoping it is a phase ... One that he will grow out if VERY SOON. Good luck.

Cutted up, my heart goes out to you. It is heart breaking when they are like this.
I have been through this, although DS started when he was 9/10 and it really over the last 6 months that he has truly started to 'calm' down. I also was scared for how he would grow up.

TotallyPearShaped sums up how I have dealt with it mostly, and it is hard. Finding a calm, consistent voice when someone is effectively hurling abuse at you is not easy.

Using 'calm' times to reason can help.

DS did have an outburst at the weekend, when he was calmer we re discussed what he was angry about it and I stated that the way he spoke to me was unacceptable and that he needed to show that he was truly sorry, not just say it.
Some times steps forwards can be small, but it can and does get better.

I also told DS a lot that I recognised he was struggling, but that this was only a small part of his growing up, and I believed in him and his potential. This was important for us because much of his unreasonable behaviour was related to very low self esteem, and sadly, the worse he felt, the worse his behaviour became .

Statements like 'X is a problem, how can WE manage it' has achieved some resul;ts because it shows DS I am supporting him but invites him to come up with solutions.

I hope things improve, because it does hurt so badly.. It is better now but I am emotionally shattered by what we have been through

We also had a 'loose' DX of special need, FWIW.......

(( ))

I do have a teen with AS who has the capacity to be that teenager. He was violent in meltdown and tried to control his environment, was very difficult to sanction and had little or no empathy. He used getting other people angry as a displacement for them making him do things, they lost it and yelled and put him in detention, so he then didn't have to deal with the stresser and he'd go off and do the punishment having got what he wanted.
But I don't know why you are being so dismissive of all of totallypearshaped's suggestions.

'I picked him up from school and he asked when he was getting his laptop back. I am trying to be consistent but originally I'd said 2 weeks.

Since almost his only contact with other people his age is through internet gaming I feel a bit mean. Certainly not before a few days though. '

You gave him a sanction, now you have to stick with it. Next time, consider how far you want to go before sanctioning him. Don't get involved in a head to head, keep your tone flat and neutral and refuse to be baited. If he's facing exams, he'll be under more stress than usual, and no, that isn't an excuse for unacceptable behaviour. It's a possible reason why he's being harder to handle than usual.
When mine is under stress (A levels at the moment) the veneer of manners and learned acceptable behaviours and social interactions wears very thin indeed.
I'm doing calm, clothes hung up the night before and bag packed.
If I want to change things, such as giving him more jobs, I wait until he's not stressed otherwise he can't listen and engage. It doesn't mean I tolerate swearing and kicking, but I wait and talk with him when he's calm.

Oh.
And what KisMittz said.

It isn't about condoning aggessive and rude behaviour, but if you want to effect change, some methods work better than others. That isn't appeasement.

If I realise I have made a sanction in the heat of the moment that might be slightly unrealistic, I still use reducing it to my advantage and say that with certain improvements he can work off the length of time a privilege has been stopped.

So if him goading his sister is something I wanted to reduce, and I have made an unrealistic sanction (which is very easy to do when they are pushing your buttons).. I would say that if I saw an improvement in him stopping this, he could reduce the punishment.
There would still be a set time for him to accept he was being 'punished', but with a 'time off for good behaviour clause'.

Cutted DD2 used to be very shouty and stroppy could make a drama out of a very trivial matter. She is now 22 and about to finish uni with a 2.1 degree. She grew up when she went to Uni and is becoming a polite mature young lady. So hung on in there I know it seems a long way off but he'll get there. I agree with other posters try and set some boundaries and keep as calm as you can. Also let them be responsible for their own actions. We found that with DD2 the less we nagged the more she did.

Thanks for all your supportive posts. I had a good evening with DS yesterday. I think he was mainly being nice and helpful just to get his computer back, but I've told him that I haven't reconsidered the length of the ban yet.

I explained that in the real world I would never choose to live with an adult who treats me like he does, I would just leave. I explained that now he is older it is a good thing to show signs of maturity. (I think he is afraid of doing this because it would bring on the departure from childhood and dependence).

We did some English revision together - his first ever revision and the exam is in 3 weeks - I'm not impressed! And we have agreed to do more tonight. In the absence of the computer I think DS likes the interaction with me.

This morning he was lovely again and made a point of thanking me for getting his uniform sorted (no tumble dryer so I had to get up early to iron it dry). He does know how to do the washing and will do it if asked, so no training required there but I don't trust him to do the old 'iron the clothes dry' technique

I know that there will be another plea for the return of the computer tonight.
I hope to hold out and when it does return it will be on a strict time limit until the exams are done in June. My problem is that I am working away from home in the evenings around twice a week and all my good work seems to go down the pan then.

I do believe this is a stage. The brain is rewiring (again) into adulthood. Many years ago I watched a programme called 'teen species'. Something which stuck with me was how teenage males simply couldnt empathise with the emotions of others. They showed a group of teen boys photographs of different expressions and their reactions went something like this:

Happy face - teen sees happy face
Sad face - teen sees angry face
Frightened face - teen sees angry face
Angry face - teen sees angry face

Perhaps its a safety thing (assume anger and therefore danger) or perhaps it is a fault in the wiring. Either way it is possible that he is reacting to anger that he perceives in you. Not sure what the answer is though. Grin like an idiot at all times perhaps?

When I was a young teenager, about 13, I found and read my elder sister's A level psychology textbook and specifically remember being baffled by the "expression faces". I understood that they were used in psychological tests and were meant to be very obvious, and I could recognise two or three ('happy', 'sad', 'cross') but the majority ('frightened', 'nervous', 'curious' etc) I just didn't get, I couldn't see what they were meant to be showing. As Gnome says I think this has now been proven to be true of the teenage brain in general not just me!

The revision tactic sounds like a good one cuttedup. Perhaps he is craving attention underneath it all.

News Flash !!!!
ds and I have had quite a long, civilised conversation ABOUT EXAMS this evening and there was NO shouting

See, they all have those little moments when you realise your lovely boy is still in there somewhere.

, they are moments to be cherished CuttedUp! And I still love watching him sleep.

Except it' weird now because this man thing sleeping is my lovely DS, but a pruney, squidgey LO!!

I hope you can go from strength to strength x

Day 2 in the Pear house.
DS still behaving nicely...and still hoping for the laptop.
I was really happy because he went out to play with his strange little friend after school.
He is actually being good company again which is great as I have been getting really lonely of late.

We got down to the revision on time although I have had to roll back the 2 week ban somewhat . I'm out at work til 10pm tomorrow so have given DS a five point revision plan which (I think) he understands, and and hour and a half to spend on it. Then he will be allowed computer for 2hrs. But I have stressed that this isn't the Big Return and that when it does happen it will be strictly 2hrs per day until the end of the exams in mid June.

Too weak?

Btw thanks all for the interesting comments about the rewiring of the brain. Just wish I was an electrician.

Time (God's tradesman) sorts it all in the end!

There is no harm in renogotiating.

Do keep on top of the hours he spends in online gaming if you can. There is a lot of disinhibition on line which it is hard for anyone but especially teens to come down from.

There is a lot to be said IMO for seeing the teen male years as an exercise in damage limitation. Trying to keep open as many doors as possible. If he isnt ready for it all (or any of it) yet then coming out without a criminal record or a paternity suit is probably a result. Once ready then GCSEs/A levels/degrees whatever will follow.

Hi Gnome What do you mean by disinhibition? I think I know...do you mean DS could get up to stuff he wouldn't in real life?
At the moment I'm not too worried as he only plays Minecraft, and that with a small regular group, one of whom he is at school with and they others are a couple of years younger than him.

I'm keeping a close eye for weapons etc though as I feel they are starting to creep in. I have quite a strong line on this.

A slightly tougher morning today as DS's routine is broken with me working late, him staying after school to do extra art work and then having to get the public bus home.
I have to text him every two hours at school to remind him or it goes right out of his head (and he nearly forgot his phone). He had money for the bus but has an hour to kill in town, which he doesn't much like, as he'll still be in uniform at 5pm.

I've told him he has the remainder of the tenner I've given him to spend at M&S or Waitrose [posh] on whatever he wants to eat.
This is a finely tuned operation with me worrying and texting - so often he's forgotten and arrived at home on the school bus.

Cutted, if he'll really spend that tenner at Waitrose or M&S, and not on a burger from McD's, baccy and a tin of cheap lager, then I think you can afford to relax a bit, cos he's positively angelic for a 15yo boy!

flow

flow...he will...I have no doubts about it...he doesn't integrate at all well with his age group so just carries out the behaviour he has learned from Mummy Pear!

Laughing at myself because the thought of him spending it otherwise hadn't even crossed my mind

I guess I'm doing alright then

Disinhibition - yes, doing things online that you wouldnt do in real life. It can be benign eg what we are doing now is benign disinhibition. Online there may be more aggression, swearing etc. Just very much depends on the group he is in. It also depends on how involved he gets.

My DS plays minecraft and I'm more than happy except for the obsession with 'mods'.

It's true I don't have a teen like the Op's.

My feeling is that time spent online with games can be addictive, and they can become quite anti social.

Try and hold out not letting him have his laptop back for the two weeks you said you would Cutted.

I reckon you ARE doing alright, Cutted, yeah! :)

Gnome, your dis-inhibition and (esp) face recognition posts are really interesting, and potentially very useful... I had wondered why my son seemed to freak out and get angry so often, and shout at me for being angry when I wasn't particularly... And I have noticed (and been upset by) him getting angry at me when I have been sad... It all starts to make sense now! thanks :)

Yes, thanks Gnome some really interesting (and helpful) stuff here.

I'm just glad if it is helpful! The teen species series was fascinating and I could really do with seeing it again now that DCs are teens (I think DD1 was a baby when the series was broadcast!)

If you are interested in in disinhibition then this article is really interesting:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Online_disinhibition_effect

I dont think difficult teens are a uniquely human problem. Watch any natural history programme about big cats and they all seem to kick their troublesome adolescents out into the wilderness. Perhaps that is the solution - a one-way ticket to the Serengeti!