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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Help- Quick advice needed. Internet porn

70 replies

MamaMaiasaura · 29/04/2012 10:53

Ds1 (12) just came to me very upset and said he'd been looking at dirty pictures on computer end of half term and tried to on his phone but couldn't work it. He said he knows he is going to be in alot of trouble and has butterflies. I've sent him downstairs while I speak to dh. I am glad he felt able to speak to me, and I do think he needs to have a punishment, I want to explain to him how people are exploited and am disappointed in him. Apparently lots of kids at school are doing this. Advice please

OP posts:
concernedparent1 · 02/05/2012 18:18

"unrestricted seedy porn that funds crime" Are you serious? What kind of porn is this which "funds crime"? :S As far as I'm aware its a perfectly legal industry.

"already a victim of the porn industry"? Really? He goes out actively searching for it so he is it a victim? I seriously doubt he will be "traumatised", it's very unlikely he was looking at particularly fringe, violent pornography.

Punishment is probably the worst thing you can do, why would you punish your son solely for doing what is natural at that age? Tell him he's not done anything wrong. Don't make him feel ashamed for having normal feelings.

The fact that you are considering telling the school of your child's personal sexual habits is astonishing. Imagine the embarrassment. You could seriously destroy your child's development and his school life by putting him through something like that where teachers and his peers know what he gets up to. You could affect his attitudes to sex and relationships for the rest of his life.

Please think before doing anything drastic.

Fairenuff · 02/05/2012 20:26

concerned he is only 12. He is a child. Sexual images can be traumatising to a child. I take it you have never had any child protection training?

Original poster
MamaMaiasaura · 02/05/2012 20:34

concerned are you serious? It's normal? Have you actually read through and seen how upset he is by all this? He has been so stressed out and upset by whole situation. I would be doing wrong by him to say this is all normal.

He said last might he felt like he was getting addicted to looking when it was happening. Poor boy wrote down all searches, and keeps adding to them. It's his was of clearing it out of his head. He is so upset by what he saw.

He doesn't play games like call of duty or watch horror films etc, this has really upset him.

I have already been up school, they are dealing with it their end too as many many kids being accessing extremely graphic and extreme material.

And yes, Porn online is unregulated and open to nasty people who abuse others.

He's seeming like a weight has been lifted and I'm grateful he is able to talk to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaMaiasaura · 02/05/2012 20:35

Fairenuff - thanks for all you advice through this. It does seem related to new siblings and been doing some reading up on it too. I think I also haven't been giving him enough time from me Sad

OP posts:
PlentyOfPubeGardens · 02/05/2012 20:51

Hi Mama, sounds like you're dealing with this really well.

I'm not sure what to make of the experimentation stuff - I did a few weird things at around that age so it could be normal but if you're worried, it would do no harm to get some professional advice.

concerned - I can't think of a way to respond to your post that wouldn't get deleted.

Original poster
MamaMaiasaura · 02/05/2012 21:02

Actually now worried I've fucked it all up for him Sad

OP posts:
CatitaInaHatita · 02/05/2012 21:26

Oh Mama you have absolutely not messed this up. This is not your fault. Please ignore the drivel spouted by concerned, because she seems anything but concerned, and more like trying to make you feel worse.

If your DS says he wants to speak to a counsellor, let him. He may be able to talk more confidently to a stranger than to you. Plus a counsellor might be able to ask the right questions.
You should comfort yourself with the knowledge that he came to you with this. That shows how well you have brought him up. How much he loves and trusts you.
If you can't deal with it on your own, that is not a sign of failure. Being a mum doesn't come with a manual that tells you how to deal its every situation. Often you need to ask for help.

Original poster
MamaMaiasaura · 02/05/2012 21:33

Thank you cat. Just done bedtime song (bless him still wants his lullaby) and cuddle. He offloaded again, he seems much more "himself" now. Talked about school as a few lads are being pulled out of classes about it and they are friends of his and are obviously not happy. Reason I wanted school to know tho, is so that it can be dealt with and hopefully this will give boys enough of a shock to stop. I really hope that it doesn't come back onto ds as it was me who spoke to school.

Worried his teachers will view him differently now Sad

I did a bad thing, couldn't find something and basically said to ds1 I thought he'd taken it Sad he hadn't and I apologised and said how wrong it was of me to blame him. (I feel like a bit of the trust I had in him has gone for now, but it's replaced with respect for him coming to see me and being honest).

I just can't wait for time to pass for this to fade and just be one of those things that happened

OP posts:
CatitaInaHatita · 03/05/2012 03:32

It's a cliché, but just take it all one day at a time.

Original poster
MamaMaiasaura · 03/05/2012 13:57

Thank you cat

Called school and spoke to same teacher. Nothing is on ds record and it appears we have opened a can of worms as lots of boys involved in searching on school pcs. They have all been given warnings. Said curiosity is normal for the boys at thus age and sounds like got a little put of hand and them trying to out do eachother.

OP posts:
CatitaInaHatita · 03/05/2012 22:28

I am surprised that the pcs didn't have some kind of control to prevent them being used like this. But I expect they will now.
And yes, I supppose it a "normal" thing to be curious about given the widespread objectification of women and sexualised images in magazines and newspaper etc, etc. it doens't make it any less upsetting for you, or sad that your son has been exposed to it all.

Fairenuff · 04/05/2012 08:07

There is absolutely no way that children should able to access porn through a school computer. If that is the case, OP, you should make an official complaint. The school has a legal duty to protect children from child protection issues which would include safe computer use.

I understood that they were accessing it through their own phones. This, of course, is much harder for the school to police but they will do what they can.

Original poster
MamaMaiasaura · 04/05/2012 09:45

They searched words like cocoa, hot, awesome. You can even search prolly pocket and get some porn come up

OP posts:
Northwentsouth · 06/05/2012 23:12

Don't punish him; he's been honest and has opened up to you. You need to nurture this and be thankful you have such a good relationship with your son. He needs help with his feelings from you, and reassurance. Not punishment x

Original poster
MamaMaiasaura · 07/05/2012 09:10

North I've not punished with him, we have talked lots and have restrictions in place as to only using pc downstairs and have password protected Internet and blocks in place etc. it helps him feel safer. Also have now spoken to ex and he's blocking channels at his.

Feel happy that he could come to me, and he knows we love him and here for him

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 14/05/2012 10:37

Just read this Sad

I echo Fairy's suggestion that you ask for this to be moved to Relationships for further support.

Original poster
MamaMaiasaura · 14/05/2012 10:51

mad thank you. Actually all seems ok now. He still talking to me about it. He's scared he'll end up being a bad person and hurting people. I explained that generally those people have had horrendous childhoods and the fact this has upset him so much, shows that he wouldn't. And reminded him how caring and great he is and gave lots of hugs.

He wishes he'd never watches news either (ever) as he doesn't like how many bad things happen in the world. I explained that lots more good things happen, but they don't tell people that good stuff often on the news

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 14/05/2012 12:08

Its so awful when they see such shocking images so young, it really fucks up their minds Sad

I was talking to a SW the other week and she tells me that some of her work in CP involves referring children for specialist counselling after having viewed internet porn. I think this is something you should bear in mind - apparently the specialist counselling helps children come to terms with what they have seen and ensures that they get to develop healthy relationships as they grow up,

whenskiesaregrey · 14/05/2012 14:02

Your poor DS :( its so sad the pressures on our kids these days, especially boys. I look at my (nearly) 3y/o DS and worry for him. But I hope that we have as good a relationship as you and your DS, where he feels he can come and talk to me, even if he is worried about the consequences.

bishtraining · 04/10/2012 11:41

I found this page as someone very kindly linked to my website. I wrote a lengthy piece on how to talk to teens about their use of porn the other day so I thought I'd link it here if that's ok bishuk.com/2012/10/02/what-to-do-if-you-find-your-kid-is-watching-porn/

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