Help- Quick advice needed. Internet porn

[MamaMaiasaura]

Ds1 (12) just came to me very upset and said he'd been looking at dirty pictures on computer end of half term and tried to on his phone but couldn't work it. He said he knows he is going to be in alot of trouble and has butterflies. I've sent him downstairs while I speak to dh. I am glad he felt able to speak to me, and I do think he needs to have a punishment, I want to explain to him how people are exploited and am disappointed in him. Apparently lots of kids at school are doing this. Advice please

I would tell his dad if he accesses computer there, just so that's covered. Oh, poor you and your poor DS too! I have all this to come no doubt.

Someone that I followed mentioned this. Has resources for a small fee I think for talking about porn etc to teens. Might be worth investigating.

[[http://bishUK.com] ] this one for teens

for practitioners

The bits relevant to porn for young people

Ok, more developments . Came in to see me v early and been crying. He's disclosed that when he was on year 4 he took 2 pairs of his step sisters knickers and took them to cubs to show the other boys. He also tried them on, and licked another pair before realising they were step mums. His dad knew (except for licking and trying on) and never told me . This was when ds2 a baby, he'd had some bullying and we'd moved house and school twice as initially no space at local school. Was a turbulent time for him. We now have another baby and ds2 has had a lot of focus as only 4 so big changes and being assessed as may be on autistic spectrum.

Ds1 also told me he's been rolling up toilet tissue and sticking it up his bum to see what it was like, then said it was uncomfortable. He's been crying saying there is something wrong with him and he needs to see someone like a psychiatrist I am worried he will turn inward and start self harming.

He's worried about how to deal with peer pressure and that he will will destroy the family with drugs and alcohol. My poor boy he's on turmoil. He's pleading with me to punish him and I just can't see how that would help anyone.

Got meeting with pupil support teacher at 10. Only just got dd to sleep so wanted to type this all out.

Wondering wether the knicker incident is what led to more bullying. He's bee carrying this around or years. Seems to coincide with new babies.

Awful to say but my level of trust in him has gone and also I'd have left hiim looking after ds2 without a second thought for an hour if absolutely needed, like when settling dd but now I have niggle. My father abused my sister and also may have to us all. I don't want to miss any warning signs. I've asked if he's ever had anyone touch him and vice versa and apparently a girl in year 3 touched his willy but that's it.

I usually don't have an issue with nudity either, as in my own. This morning I made sure I wasn't naked while he was upstairs

He's worried I won't look at him the same and think he's disgusting

Anyone got any advice?

Oh and ds1 been complaining of frequent upset tummy and fresh blood when wiping.

Not meaning to drip feed, just the way this has developed. Right I best get stuff together for school

Oh what an awful thing for you to be landed with and your poor DS carrying this around with him for so long.

Hopefully the meeting with the school will be helpful as they will be able to access support through their pastoral care system for him.

Hello, I have two sons aged 9 and 6, so though younger your thread has really concerned me as I feel so many young people are completely confused/upset by porn on the internet. I remember finding a magazine on a school field and being v upset and thinking it must be illegal! The stuff on-line is vile and must be so devasting for your son to see.

I think it is however so positive that he has told you and can understand why he is telling you in bits, I imagine he is very carefully watching your reaction to see if he can tell you everything. You seem to be keeping calm and allowing him to talk to you. Personally I would of course tell DH everything and also seek professional advice, you can't let this ruin his life and your trust in him.

I really hope that your son and family are able to get through this and when he said he wanted the images to get out of his I felt myself starting to cry, could so relate to that.

All my good thoughts/wishes go to you and your family.

Back from school. Really hard for them to manage the phones and images in them. She's going to see about activities ds can get involved in so that he might get a more positive peer group. I told her about the images in year 4 and that he took his step sisters knickers for a dare and he was upset. I didn't go into great detail or tell her everything. Spoke about sites he's looked at on home computer and at school. I also spoke about how distressed he is about it all and how I can help. She said they have a school sexual health nurse and also a school consellor. He could see either, tho sexual health nurse prob better as can talk to him in detail if need be. I said my worries were him turning this inwards and also the peer pressure. Also that he's seen these images which are not of a "regular" sexual nature but pornographic

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Only just come across this thread... I'm so sorry, you sound so desperate. Your poor DS1.

I think I agree with others upthread, though: do not punish him. He has been mature, insightful and honest with you in disclosing all that he has, and he is asking for help. By taking away his guitar, you're risking him feeling that he is being pushined for being honest or for seeking help, and you're risking him hiding or witholding things from you in the future.

In light of these new disclosures I really do think that he needs professional help. It may be that he has been touched inappropriately by an adult or older child but does not want to 'tell' because he is either frightened of the consequences or trying to protect someone. Of course, it may not be that.

If he were mine, I would take him to his gp for two reasons. One, so that he can hopefully be referred for the appropriate counselling and, two, the possibility that he may have been abused himself.

As this is all coming out now, there may be a trigger, so I would do this sooner rather than later.

In the meantime I would tell him that nothing he says would make me stop loving him. And I would reassure him that however bad he thinks things are, I can always help him. I would not show anger or disappointment or disgust or disbelief. I would support him and allow him a safe place to disclose what he likes.

I'm not taking guitar. I am deleting his fb account altho he doesn't use it and pc to stay downstairs and iPhone no longer "his". But that's extent of it. Hes told me he's tried to put a pen in his bottom and a finger but didn't go far. I think triggers are having new half siblings. Long story but when he was 1 I was very poorly and he was placed with his dad till he was almost 5. I do think that has probably affected him . We still saw eachother and missed him like crazy. Ss said I'd not get better (severe PND, tho not ever directed at ds but at myself). When they finally saw I was ok time had lapsed and court said better he remain with his dad, afterwards about 9 months later ex asked if I could have ds full time, which made me the happiest mum in world. He sees his dad regularly and all been fine (do I thought). Dh thinks this is a normal part of boys growing up.

No, this is NOT normal!! Honestly. I have a 12 year old ds and he has expressed a natural curiosity as he entered puberty. But your ds has been showing signs of sexual awareness from a young age.

Don't try to find the reason for his behaviour yourself. You need to let professionals help him. You do not need to feel responsible but you must help him. I don't want to alarm you but I really think that you should seek some professional help for him.

What about calling Childline and asking them for advice. It's confidential.

Yeah I'm with fairenuff I think you do need to seek some professional help for DS. Try to put him at ease with it though, don't let it sound scary.

I'm worried for your DS as he is drip feeding you and unfortunately the more he tells you the more apparent it seems that he does need some help. I just hope there isn't more he isn't telling you yet :/

All the best.

OP, I have just had another thought. Why don't you ask MNHQ to move this to Relationships? You will get a lot more advice and there may be others who have been or are going through something similar.

It must all seem very overwhelming for you at the moment, they will be very gentle with you there I'm sure and you could get some more opinions which might help the situation x

I've listened to him and he's point blank said absolutely never been touched except by a girl when they were 7 and a case of you show yours and I'll show mine. He is adament he's never touched anyone.

Dh meant exploring own body is normal. Ds isn't masturbating yet so hardly sexual maturity. I stuck a kernit the frog soap up my bum when I was little and the head came off . Hardly sexual tho.

The sexual element I would guess came from seeing the hardcore porn. I think ds has now told me everything altho he wants tower w list of all searches he did.

Its likely he will be seeing the school sexual Heath nurse if he wants to. I really don't think this is CSA. Ds said to me I'd ever anything happened he would always tell me, I believe him

I'd digit ton the knicker bit tho

Do understand showing off knickers but licking? Why? Just a silly spur of moment, but why? I think I'll ask him straight.

This is not a convo I ever expected to have with my dc.

I do really think its based on insecurity around new siblings tho

I'd forgotten - not digit gon

I am not suggesting for one moment that your ds is not telling you the truth Mama I just think it's worth considering the possibility that he has been exposed to more than pictures. The early sexualisation I was referring to was when he was in year 4 (so aged 8/9). Also, he says that he has repeatedly put different things in his bottom which is a little more than natural exploration. If you try something and it hurts, you don't usually keep repeating it. Do you see what I mean? I still think there may be more to this.

There are any number of reasons why he might not tell you the whole story just yet. But it seems too much for him to keep to himself so he is gradually telling you stuff. Perhaps he is waiting to gauge your reaction.

Please do consider calling Childline for a chat. What harm could it do, they will advise you.

And if it turns out to be nothing at all other than innocent exploration, then you have lost nothing except a little of your time.

I appreciate what you are saying, I really do. The bottom stuff went sling lines of, he tried rolled up toilet paper, didn't really go in, tried toilet roll around finger, and was horrible. Then tried a old pen which went in a little bit and hurt and he threw it away.

The year 4 stuff he did not seek out but was shown by school friend with older brother who has issues understanding boundries in that respect.

He thought I knew about knicker taking as his dad knew.

He is worried their is something wrong with him and asked to see psychiatrist. If I pursue that at this time, surely that's me saying there is. The sexual Health nurse at school will provide and discuss issues re sex with him and then if needed there is counselling.

There was a gap of 4 years and events have coincided with his behaviours.

I also think he's still very much a child and that has been forgotten at times by his dad in terms of what he says infront of him. And I've expected lots more of him in terms of helping out.

Re the licking knickers I reckon that's probably recent and he's changed timescale to make it seem less shocking. And I think that's because my 17 year old dn came out with us for the day to a science place and typed in the best invention would be an oral sex machine . I was annoyed but as it was dn's birthday I didn't say about it then and I will when I next see him.

He is worried their is something wrong with him and asked to see psychiatrist. If I pursue that at this time, surely that's me saying there is

If he told you he had toothache you would take him to the dentist and let the expert decide the appropriate treatment.

That's all I'm saying.

It may be that he's displaying nothing but attention-seeking behaviour, who knows?

But he's your son, so it's your call. You asked for advice Mama, that's my advice, and it still stands, take it or leave it.

I think it's extremely positive that he can talk to you about this, you are obviously doing lots of things right, so keep on doing what you're doing.

Thank you fairenuff

Headache now. Another long talk, he said his butterflies are going and feels better having told me everything. He said he wants to tell me every page he searched. I think it's helping him to offload them. He even put down what they were looked at for, like curiosity. It's a wide rage of stuff he has searched. It seems that when his dad found the knickers in ds coat pocket he stopped. Then when he started secondary school (around the time dd was born) it started again after developing a friendship.

It's hard listening to my beautiful son telling me all these things and I can't change what has happened for him. I hope this has helped him know that no matter how bad things may seem, I'm here for him. He said he doesn't want to talk to school counsellor or nurse at the moment. Also he doesn't feel like he could talk to his dad or dh. He said he only feels like he can talk properly to me, bless him. Makes me tear up just typing this. He's been carrying so much weight on his little shoulders. We will talk again tomorrow and as long as he feels he needs too. He asked me of it will ever go away and I said it will fade and get less. I am fairly sure that it's connected to him having siblings/life changes at the time.

I will take him to gp and ask or psych referral if he feels he needs it still or I think he does. If this is related to life changes and him finding it hard to cope, which is very understandable given his early years, then I'd want him to have any help available.

Exhausted and drained

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Anyone else with teens dealt with
Porn?