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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is this a teenage battle worth fighting?

28 replies

pinksancerre · 08/04/2012 21:23

Dd is 13 and regardless of the time I tell her to be in, she pushes it a few minutes or anything up to half and hour. Now I try to pick my battles but this is becoming a regular thing What would you do, leave it as a little bit of boundary pushing or how would you tackle it!

OP posts:
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 08/04/2012 21:26

Where is she going? Does she ring to let you know when she's on her way?

Original poster
pinksancerre · 08/04/2012 21:27

She is generally at friends or at the park. She sometimes texts, sometimes not.

OP posts:
MaureenMLove · 08/04/2012 21:30

Yes, I think this one is a battle worth fighting.

The half an hour, will turn into an hour and so on, if you don't nip it in the bud. Does she let you know she's going to be late?

MaureenMLove · 08/04/2012 21:31

Sorry, too slow!

BackforGood · 08/04/2012 21:31

Does she need to be home (for you to go out, or to eat a meal), or is it an arbitary time ?
With my ds I'm really not going to fuss about specific times - he comes when the game finishes. I'm happy to know where he is and who he's with. I have a 13 yr old dd too, and (although she's out less) the same applies, I only ask her to be here for a specific time if she needs to go out or there is some reason (eg her piano lesson).
I don't see the point in creating a battle where there's no need.

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/04/2012 21:31

I would talk to her about it. Tell her that there is a curfew, you have noticed that she seems unable to meet it and ask her what's going on and how you can remedy it. It could be that some of her friends have a later curfew. It may be that you fear for her safety.

Renegotiate with her. Try to come to an arrangement that suits you both. Not only will this put your mind at ease and give her a little more time, it will send the message that problems can be discussed and she will be listened to. This may be the battle that you want to win.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 08/04/2012 21:31

On the times she's let you know, so long as you then say okay, I wouldn't argue. If she doesn't let you know, or if she texts and is told to come home and then doesn't come immediately, I'd be looking for small consequences initially. DD2 did it a couple of times, mostly because she never remembers to charge her phone and she never bothers wearing a watch - but she was mortified when dp turned up at her friend's door asking her if she knew what time it was! She hasn't done it for a while now and was genuinely sorry that she'd worried us.

BackforGood · 08/04/2012 21:32

See Grin we'll never all agree on MN!

gettingsorted · 08/04/2012 21:37

I read somewhere that the deadline you give should be treated as a 'guideline' time and you should mentally allow some leeway - up to half an hour or so - without making a fuss. The theory being that the DS feels like they are making an adult decision for themselves about when to come home, but really they have this subconscious curfew which they stick to. They are not coming home 2 hours later, only about half an hour. So you should reinforce that you actually asked them to be home at 11 not 11.30, but not to have a huge row about it. Just keep reinforcing it and mentioning it each time they go out.

Original poster
pinksancerre · 08/04/2012 21:40

I am generally asking her to be home for food or because of the light, or going out etc. and if she texts and for some reason I don't need her I will say ok to later but it is EVERY time. But tonight she was late and it was dark. I made a point of standing in the street and meeting her and her friends!

OP posts:
Original poster
pinksancerre · 08/04/2012 21:43

That's interesting gettingsorted. I know she is finding her feet and boundary pushing

OP posts:
fortyplus · 08/04/2012 21:44

How will she learn to behave like an adult if she isn't treated like one? If I say 'I'll be back about 7.30/ then I wouldn't bother letting dh or dcs know if it ended up being 8pm. If, however, there was a real reason to be back at a specific time then I'd make sure that I was there or let them know if I'd been unavoidably delayed.

It seems that you are dictating the time at which your dd should be home. Better to ask her what time she expects to be back - within reason anyway - I wouldn't expect a 13yo to be roaming the streets at 11pm!

fortyplus · 08/04/2012 21:45

Cross post!

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/04/2012 21:52

Can you to show her that she will benefit more from renegotiating boundaries, not pushing them?

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 08/04/2012 21:57

She isn't an adult - she is 13.

Original poster
pinksancerre · 08/04/2012 22:03

Dione- it is both, her friends have a curfew of 9pm, but I am not happy with her being out after dark, although her friends do walk her home. What is an average curfew for a 13 yr old??

OP posts:
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 08/04/2012 22:09

Well, dd2 is 14 and there's no way I'd have her hanging around the park after dark. If she was at a friend's past about 8-ish, we'd walk and meet her part way home.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 08/04/2012 22:11

I'm not super-over-protective or anything though - she goes to gigs etc with her friends - I just don't let her just 'hang around' in the evenings.

BackforGood · 08/04/2012 22:11

To my mind it depends what she's doing - which is why I don't use a 'fixed time curfew' myself.
My 13 yr old dd doesn't go out in the evenings unless she's going somewhere - eg Scouts, from which she has a lift home when it finishes at 9.
ds (who is 15, almost 16) comes home at different times, depending what he's doing - so, sometimes he goes round to his mates, and will let me know he'll leave there at 10, if, however, it was a quiz night or a party or something, then I wouldn't expect him in at that time.

Original poster
pinksancerre · 08/04/2012 22:13

That exactly it, I tell my daughter I don't want her loitering! But as a typical teenager thinks she I am unreasonable and it is SO unfair!

OP posts:
Original poster
pinksancerre · 08/04/2012 22:15

Dd is not allowed out in the evenings when she is at school, but I relax a little in the holidays

OP posts:
MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 08/04/2012 22:22

If I was late past my curfew (by more than a few minutes or without a reasonable excuse) then I'd have the time I was late deducted from the next time I was out...

We haven't had this issue yet. Ds1 is 14 but rarely goes out past dinner (goes out from school then comes home in time to eat - his friends are a journey away unfortunately) but when he is out we tend to say 'leave by such and such a time' rather than give an exact time to be home - public transport can be unpredictable and I used to hate getting into trouble because the buses were screwed up.

With regards to your DD, I'd be getting irritated if she's excessively late past the amount of time it takes to get back from where she is. If she hasn't even left when she's supposed to be home, that's just rude imo.

Original poster
pinksancerre · 08/04/2012 22:44

I like that idea mrsd!

OP posts:
MaureenMLove · 08/04/2012 22:52

That's exactly what we used to do with DD. She's 16 now, so different set of rules, but at 13, thems the rules!

As she has proved herself to be trustworthy, we agree a time between us. I've even told her you use her common sense to suggest a time half an hour later than she was intending on being home! That way, she's given herself half hour to fanny about, without worrying about being late! Grin

fortyplus · 08/04/2012 22:56

The op says dd is 13 - my point was that they need to learn to behave like an adult at some stage and this doesn't magically happen at 18 - it starts with giving them some control in their lives so that they don't feel dictated to all the time. I quite agree that she shouldn't be out after dark unless with a group of friends for a pre-arranged reason.

I have an 18yo and a 16yo who have never caused me any problems - they were given the freedom to behave reasonably and let me knowe their whereabouts when appropriate. I would also expect them to respond quickly to texts or phone calls and they've always done that too.

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