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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

I got some flowers today and it made me sad

24 replies

Downnotout · 20/03/2012 14:04

From (estranged) DD.

I have text to say thank you and that they are lovely.

She says she really misses me.

I don't know what to say. I love her and I miss her but at the same time it has brought back all the anguish. I know she is reaching out to me but I am really struggling to put it all behind us- I don't know when I will be able to.

I feel sad, and angry with her, and angry with myself, and guilty for feeling like this.

OP posts:

doubleshotespresso · 20/03/2012 14:11

Downnotout - I'm sorry you're feeling sad.

Don't know the details of the anguish you refer to, but it sounds as if this could be the olive branch/acknowledgement of any wrongdoing?

Don't you think that's maybe a good thing? These family things are always complcated, but maybe this is a little sepping stone in the road to airing some differences and finding a positive way forward?

Maybe she finally realises the hurt she may have caused you? And I'm sure she misses you too-us girls need our Mum in some instances where a friend just isn't the same?

I hope that the flowers bring you a little bit of joy soon as they were probably intended?

ParsleyTheLioness · 20/03/2012 14:12

Hope there's a way forward for you not to estranged?

CuriousMama · 20/03/2012 14:16

Must be so difficult for you. I'm sure you have very good reasons for being estranged though. Do you think she's after something? Sorry to sound cynical it's just I know someone going through so much trouble caused by her daughter and she's very manipulative. Hope this isn't the case for you?

If it is something you can move forward from then best of luck.

Original poster

Downnotout · 20/03/2012 14:24

Thank you doubleshot
Sadly I just felt sick when I saw them. But I know that wasn't her intention.

curiousmama you have hit the nail on the head. It isn't a case of putting the past behind us as we are still living with the aftermath.

I miss her terribly but at the same time I can't imagine ever being able to be in the same room as her again.

OP posts:

CuriousMama · 20/03/2012 14:34

That's so sad Must be terrible for you? Dread to think what she's done.

Cherriesarelovely · 20/03/2012 14:35

That sounds like a truly horrible situation for you Downnotout. So sorry you are going through it and feeling so low. Is difficult to say anything other than that not knowing the circumstances but I really hope that you eventually find some some peace and relief from the upsetting circumstances that have caused this.

TroublesomeEx · 20/03/2012 14:35

Whatever the details are, it must be serious if it's making you feel like that, and it is also very early days.

There is no reason why a bunch of flowers and an "I miss you" needs to be any more than that now, or at any point in the future.

I'm not surprised that it made you feel a bit sick, especially as it came out of the blue. I also think that it's possible to miss somebody and also feel that you can't imagine being close to them again.

Whatever does happen as a result of this, be gentle to yourself and your daughter. However angry/hurt/hesitant you feel, I'm sure she must feel similarly and possibly shares your concerns.

I don't think this initial contact needs to signify anything more than just as expression of regret that the situation is as it is. At this stage.

DeepThought · 20/03/2012 14:39

Oh how difficult

Can you tell us more about the estrangment ?

crazyforbaby · 20/03/2012 14:47

Hi D, I remember your original thread.
Thinking of you at this tough time x

Original poster

Downnotout · 20/03/2012 15:26

deepthought briefly
She ran away from home to live with a druggie. Pawned all her stuff and blackmailed us for money.
Left him, and went to college. Lasted two months, persuaded doctors to operate on her, they found nothing. Said she was pregnant, said she had miscarried all lies to be thrown out of college but it backfired so she left anyway, leaving us with £1000s of debt and a house which we are still paying for. Married a boy who she had known 4 months at christmas, without any of us being there.
Started winding her ex (the druggie) up so he vandalised our property and attacked DS with a bottle. There is much, much more but it would take forever to explain.
What she wants is for us to forget all that and everything to be alright again. It is just too raw to be able to do that. She has never apologised for any of it. I am devastated that I have lost my daughter, that she seemed to want to do everything she could to hurt me and yet all she wants is my approval.
I think I have made dreadful mistakes as a parent but I honestly always did what I thought was right. In truth, she has always had problems and I have over compensated for them.

She is only 18 and she wants her mummy. I have just sat and cried since the flowers arrived. I am so desperately sad at the way everything has turned out.

OP posts:

TheMightyLois · 20/03/2012 15:29

Did you post about it last year? I remember a thread along similar lines.

Original poster

Downnotout · 20/03/2012 15:33

Yes that was probably me.

OP posts:

worldgonecrazy · 20/03/2012 15:34

How sad for you both. You have no way of knowing if this is genuinely her reaching out to build bridges or whether it is more manipulation. Could you start slowly, maybe meet on neutral territory for a chat? If it really is too raw, then do let her know that, don't just not respond.

doubleshotespresso · 20/03/2012 15:35

Downnotout- am so sorry to hear all this that you have been through- I don't imagine you did much wrong, it seems that sometimes DCs just choose a deestructive path and we cannot drag them away whatever we do.

Is there somebody with you now? Maybe you could get a friend/family member over to keep you company?

The circumstances you describe are really not such that you can or should ever issue approval and in the absence of any apology, perhaps you are right for now keeping her at arms length. It sounds to me as if you have more than tried your best and the best advice now is to stay strong and look forward.

I really am sorry that you have had to put up with all this-it sounds dreadful but you have made good decsions for all of your family, remeber that. Look after yourself too.

MNHQ

SandyMumsnet · 20/03/2012 15:40

Hello,

With the OP's permission we've now moved this thread to Teenagers as we think it's a better place for it.

Thanks
Sandy
MNHQ

TroublesomeEx · 20/03/2012 15:50

Sounds terribly sad for both of you.

People generally don't behave so self destructively if they are happy but I can understand why you are unable to just 'forgive and forget' too.

Original poster

Downnotout · 20/03/2012 15:58

I think she was terribly unhappy.
The trouble is, no matter what I did, or how much attention I gave her, it was never enough. She was determined to punish us, and indeed, she has.

And it hasn't made her happy either. I don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

DeepThought · 20/03/2012 16:02

Oh I am so sorry

Some things are unforgivable, partic in abscence of apology or repentence

How hard for you all x

woollyideas · 20/03/2012 16:15

Hi Downnotout - Is it possible for you to have an 'arm's length' relationship with her, eg. meet up for coffee on neutral territory for an hour every week or two (or less frequently) and try to build a new relationship on different terms from the old one?

I can understand your pain and reluctance to let her back into your life, but you may regret it later if you don't accept the olive branch she's proferring now. FWIW in your position I wouldn't be inviting her home or involving her in family things at this stage, but I would be trying not to close the door on her forever. It probably took a lot for her to send those flowers and if you ignore her gesture she may not make another one. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Original poster

Downnotout · 20/03/2012 18:21

I have replied and thanked her for the flowers.

We can't really meet up as sheis living 200 miles away. I think that's a blessing at the moment.

OP posts:

CuriousMama · 21/03/2012 08:51

I know it sounds awful but the way I gage things like this is if something awful happened to that person, how would I feel? Would I feel guilt? Have regrets? If not then I don't pursue the relationship. I'm not estranged from family but some toxic 'friends'.

hattifattner · 21/03/2012 09:08

downnotout, I have seen your other threads, and I think you are better off leaving some space between you for now. She has made her bed, let her lie in it for a fair amount of time, as playing grown up now becomes being grown up - you have to allow her that distance.

Theres no reason you couldnt respond to texts, emails etc, but I would keep that distance, because emotionally, I think you are fairly fragile still. Don't get sucked back into her drama, just be cordial and reserved. I know that at some point you will want to come over all mama bear when she stumbles or she is ill, but you have to allow her to make her own mistakes and let her husband support her for now.

In a year or two, when she has done some growing up, you may be able to rebuild a relationship. But I would focus on making yourself stronger and focus your attention on your other DC for a while.

Original poster

Downnotout · 21/03/2012 11:03

hattifattner your insight is very heartening. I was just so confused yesterday by all the conflicting emotions that it dragged up.

I am going to keep her at arms length, whilst being polite. I have no desire to see her or get into discussions- the wounds are just too raw. What I have realised is that I do love her and care about her, that is what makes me so desperately sad, that and knowing that she really wants contact and approval. But also realising that all the charging in and saving her every time something goes wrong has only taught her that she can get herself into a right mess without fear of consequences because I always picked her up.

Of course if something happened to her I would feel dreadful curiousmama but because she has lied so much, like the boy who cried wolf, I am unable to differentiate between attention seeking and a real emergency. So that is a risk I have to take.

OP posts:

argghh · 21/03/2012 13:33

I agree with hatti, its just all too soon at the moment. Give yourself a bit more time and I do hope you manage to re-establish a relationship in the future. Her behavoir has been appalling but she is still very young (not excusing her behavoir just mentioning that hopefully she will change)

very sad for you though.

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