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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Reeling in shock! 14yr dd snuck off to bf house-need advice quick-sanctions or trust?

48 replies

inashizzle · 17/03/2012 18:14

Hi all,

Posted on here few weeks back A.i.B.U to want to bribe the school stud not to see my daughter.Decided on the "if i don't allow it i will push them more together so gave her the o.k with lots of rules- the main one being she was not to go to his house yet; he was o.k to come here with us in the house but given a track record, she not to go to his yet, see how things tick along.

Now i find out she was there today whilst we thought she was in town, then going on to her nanas. I am so angry, just rowed with him too but think f.f.s. give teens an inch and they take a freakin mile:(. I know anger is not going to make it better but calling out for advice .What would you do?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/03/2012 18:22

ok, you gave her a chance to prove you could trust her

she flung it in your face

time for sanctions now (personally, I thought they were warranted in your first thread)

she is 14, not 16

Original poster
inashizzle · 17/03/2012 18:29

What sanctions would you recommend anyfucker please as i feel powerless at the mo. If i ban her from seeing him, in light of her behaviour i am scared she will rebel big style now:(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/03/2012 18:31

if this were my daughter, I would ground her

PositiveAttitude · 17/03/2012 18:40

Agree with AF. My 14 year old would be grounded now. Its the trust issue that would get to me. I would give her a chat about trust and how she now needs to build it back up.
What was his reaction to you having a go at him? Did he know that she was not allowed to his place?

Sorry, didnt see your first thread, so that may have been said on that one. Hang in there. 14 year olds can be a pain. (had 4 x 14 year old girls over the last 6 years) but I have found that mine have had a little rebellion at that age, but have calmed down quite quickly.

Original poster
inashizzle · 17/03/2012 18:51

Quite an arrogant response from him! He told me to trust her. I told him he needed to learn some manners and never tell a girl,s daughter what to do.It was he who told me she had been there though (brazen as you like; he told me i had to just trust her!)over facebook as i was trying to find out her whereabouts. i gave her several opps to tell me where and who she had been with and she persistantly lied which is the saddest part.I,ve told her i have given her more than enough freedom and she has proven to be sly and immature, that i havn't been unreasonable by most parents standards.

Good job o.h , her father has gone out for st.patricks day! Good job i didn't go out too!

OP posts:
PositiveAttitude · 17/03/2012 19:04

He sounds delightful!! Hmm Hmm

Definite grounding and then sanctions with strict rules and consequences set out.

Has DD reacted with remorse since getting home? Or is she having a teenage strop? Might be best to let her calm down and talk it through calmly, rather than if she is still at the shouting stage. IME that just escalates into a mass shouting match, but by talking when you are all calm things can get sorted a lot better.

Good luck. (and a Wine might be needed later Wink )

AnyFucker · 17/03/2012 19:29

so he gloatingly told you where she was, despite knowing it wasn't allowed, and then put the boot in for good measure ?

he's quite the manipulator already, isn't he ?

I suppose it starts young Shock

he is trying to drive a wedge between mother and daughter

your initial concerns about him are well-founded. It's time to draw their liason to a close, no matter what short term resentment is creates in your daughter

AliceHurled · 17/03/2012 19:36

I don't have any teenage daughters, so can't advise on that front. But I was 14, with an older boyfriend I used to sneak around with. I wish my parents had given more more boundaries, so I would have known something wasn't quite right with what was going on. At 14 I didn't have the life experience to understand the situation. So I think you do right to do something and not just take an 'oh well teenagers' approach. For example, I wish I hadn't been allowed to go and stay with him.

Viewofthehills · 17/03/2012 19:40

Ground her and let him visit under your supervision in the living room etc, not in her bedroom.
How old is the boyfriend? Is he older?

SparkyMcSparrow · 17/03/2012 19:46

Ok, I don't have a teenage dd...but I was 14 and in the situation your dd is in now. My mum came down really hard on me and it made me alot worse. Not saying your dd would go this way but if I was in your situation, I would sit her down and explain, calmly, that you are very dissapointed. I would lay it on as thick as I could.
Then I would tell her the boundaries again, write them down if need be, and say that if she shows me that she cannot be trusted again, then she will not know what will hit her. Explain about compromise and respect, again because I'm guessing I would have done this already. And then leave it at that.

If it happens again then do anything you have to. (You need it to be so awful she will never cross you again Grin )

But I wish I had been given that one extra chance (3rd...yes I know,but being a teenager and all you always push) to prove that I wasn't that bad.

Only what I would do, not saying you should do it. Thankfully I have a ds!

good luck i hope you get it sorted

SparkyMcSparrow · 17/03/2012 19:47

He is a twat btw, but it will probably end in tears sooner or later.

She will meet alot of them!

Original poster
inashizzle · 17/03/2012 20:56

Well must confess that in an angry fit i did say if i found her to ever be there again before the age of 16 i would slegehammer in the house and go for his mother (blush). I messaged him to confirm she is never to be at his until i know of his family (hope they don't hold their breath, Lol).

She appears remorseful ,has said she lied because she knew she wouldn't be allowed. i told her she will have to rebuild my trust in her and that will take a long time. I have banned her from facebook, phone, as she'd planned it on there -just hope i can be consistant with that- i,ve given in too early before even when she's snuck laptop,phone back.

I probably went too far with the lad, accusing him of being a dog before with other girls and blaming him for having her in the house when she'd invited herself but he turned it around saying i have judged him,arrogant little shit.He even said he didn't want to argue over f.b so he would come around and have a chat-if you please! Brave!

she maintains she wants to still go out with him-scared if i say no she will rebel and have his baby or something (call me dramatic and irrational, lol). I know i can't put her on naughty spot etc, will ground her and have spoken to her about self assertiveness,self respect-not sure if the only ones she's asserting herself to is us in an indirect way!Havn't said ban on him altogether, scared still of her rebelling.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 18/03/2012 08:07

I would be very tempted to tell them I would report the boy to the police for under age sex...

PfftTheMagicDraco · 18/03/2012 08:20

You argued with him over facebook?

Really?

seeker · 18/03/2012 08:21

Don't quite understand- you say you went to far with the lad? Was this over Facebook?

And the bit wboutbthe sledgehammer- please tell me that wasn't on facebook too

Original poster
inashizzle · 18/03/2012 12:15

No didn't threaten boy at all,sorry I may not made that clear:/. I contacted him once I knew my dd was 1hr late and still not appeared at her nanas.he told me she had been there and left.
I told dd I would go scitz if she was there again,particularly as his mother was not there but ok with them there.

T.b.h id only contacted him via inbox through worry initially,then stated she isn't allowed in his house.I only argued when the pup was telling me what to do,ie let her around ad trust her.what really bothers Me too is that apparently he had put a lot of pressure on a previous g.f to have sex .I know its hearsay but ultimately I'm not wanting to take the risk.

OP posts:
WidowWadman · 18/03/2012 12:32

Don't have teenage children, but was a teenager myself once. I think the rift is caused as much by you banning things as by her sneaking off.

Of course she lied, because you made it clear from the beginning that you don't trust her to look out for herself. There's no trust to rebuild, as it seems you never had it in the first place.

By all means, lay down boundaries and give advice of how to protect herself from heartbreak, STDs and pregnancy. Empower her to say "no" to things she doesn't feel ready to, but don't just ban them and expect her to adhere to your bans. In the current situation, it's clear that she can't come to you for advice, as she'd have to fear she is in trouble.

I'm sure you mean well, but I think that if you continue with bans rather than open talk that you effect the opposite of what you want.

Original poster
inashizzle · 18/03/2012 12:51

Yes I really see your point and that's what I've always been afraid of,but I have seen neices and dsd get stds and teenage pregnancies after their mums did all of above.

So right now I feel damned if o do, damned if I don't.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/03/2012 16:54

This is the crux of it

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

But you gave her a chance to show she can be trusted. You compromised. It was a fair compromise. She ignored it and did what she wanted anyway.

Where teenagers are concerned, if it all goes tits-up, I would rather be damned for taking positive action by drawing very firm boundaries, rather than hoping for the best and effectively taing no action. That's just me though.

My 16yo dd pretty much hates me at the moment because of the way she thinks I "control" her. But that's not a problem to me. I am her mother, not her mate.

WidowWadman · 18/03/2012 17:15

See, "you can see him in my presence" doesn't say "fair compromise" to me, but "I don't trust you". And banning is never positive. Explain your fears, and how they can be mitigated.

Saying "don't have sex" doesn't protect from STDs, saying "only do it if you want to and use the right contraception" does a better job. The abstinence message does not work, neither for pregnancy nor STD prevention, there's hard evidence for that.

AnyFucker · 18/03/2012 17:24

This girl is 2 years under the age of consent.

Not simply a couple of months.

2 years

She is a child, and I was still treating my 14yo dd like the child she was.

She wouldn't be allowed to see a boyfriend unsupervised (there are doubts about the existence of any boundaries at this boy's house) and information that he has coerced other underage girls into sex

My dd would not have been allowed to see him at all, and certainly not without my supervision.

WidowWadman · 18/03/2012 17:29

So how openly do you think can your daughter talk to you AF? I'm not suggesting that the OP should encourage her daughter to have underage sex. I just find the assumption that a 14 year old would simply obey the ban and all is fine and dandy naive.

Certainly talking about the risks, and what the daughter's ideas are and how to react to a boy trying to talk her into sex helps better in getting her to think and saying "no" than a blanket ban.

Unless you pick your daughter up from school and lock her in at all time, enforcing such a ban is simply impossible anyway.

AnyFucker · 18/03/2012 17:33

How openly does your daughter talk to you, WW ?

I am not saying you draw boundaries without any of the other education around consent, risks, emotions, peer pressure etc etc

But if you have done that, and your 14 yo dd is openly defying you, there must be consequences

Or else....just let her do anything she wants. And I guarantee that no matter how much common sense you might think you have instilled into your child, if you give a 14yo a free pass, there will be all kinds of carnage.

WidowWadman · 18/03/2012 17:43

AF - my children aren't teenagers yet, I'm drawing from my own experiences - parents who banned me from doing things, instead of trusting me. I was lucky to have a much older sister (14 years age difference) to who I could talk, and who supported me. My mother did not trust me to make decisions for myself so I couldn't trust her with my worries when I was a teenager.

My sister raised her daughter in the same way I'm planning to (much to the horror of my mother), and allowed boyfriends to stay over from about 14, always talked openly to her and my niece has grown up to be a young woman who is not taking crap from any guy. She also made it into her 20ies STD and pregnancy free so far.

usualsuspect · 18/03/2012 17:43

I think the banning fb etc and grounding and ranting will make the situation worse . You can't ground her forever

How can you stop a 14 year old seeing her boyfriend? of course shes going to sneak around and lie if you rant at her all the time.

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