Reeling in shock! 14yr dd snuck off to bf house-need advice quick-sanctions or trust?

[inashizzle]

Hi all,

Posted on here few weeks back A.i.B.U to want to bribe the school stud not to see my daughter.Decided on the "if i don't allow it i will push them more together so gave her the o.k with lots of rules- the main one being she was not to go to his house yet; he was o.k to come here with us in the house but given a track record, she not to go to his yet, see how things tick along.

Now i find out she was there today whilst we thought she was in town, then going on to her nanas. I am so angry, just rowed with him too but think f.f.s. give teens an inch and they take a freakin mile:(. I know anger is not going to make it better but calling out for advice .What would you do?

I talk openly to my daughter, because of that she knows what the boundaries are. She knows how to protect herself, but mostly she knows that however much she may rail against it, until she has more experience of the world there are certian decisions I will be taking for her.

That includes no boys staying over at the age of 14, and not allowed to go to a boys house where I am not sure the family as anything approaching the same values that we have.

I have relaxed it a lot now she is 16. That 2 years makes a lot of difference.

I don't "rant" at her either.

I would rather my teenagers were honest with me and felt they could talk to me without fear of being grounded and having phones taken away etc.

But each to their own

Usual, can those things not co-exist ?

There is honesty between my daughter and I

She tells me honestly that she doesn't agree with some of my sanctions, I tell her honestly why they are in place.

She knows if she breaks them (and they do not number many) there will be consequences. Mainly the sanctions are around curfews and not disrespecting others

It hasn't happened often, but the impact has been very effective. The threat of withdrawing her mobile phone is the biggest one.

She understands that my duty to her is to provide a roof, food, sustenance and the environment to flourish and experience life in an age-appropriate way

Her duty is to respect herself, and to respect me.

We have had a few bumpy rides so far, there will probably be more. So be it. I don't expect perfection, that would be foolish.

Usual, would you never punish at all then ? They can do anything as long as they tell you ?

I rarely punished any of mine as teenagers ,no, I never grounded them or removed phones ever. We compromised on a lot of things and that seemed to work.

We had a few rough times but we worked it out .They all managed to grow up without going off the rails.

I am 23, so not that long ago was i 14, and i remember that the fun and enjoyment was of doing something you shouldnt be. Like eating all the bsicuits etc and getting or trying to get away with it.

If you take that away, ie let her see him, let her drink etc, soon enough teh novelty wears off and its no longer exciting, and therefore she wont bother.

Certainly do talk to her about the intimate side of the relationship, and the possible implications and if you are really that worried about stds and pregnancy maybe even give her some"protection" to help her. It shows you trust her and therefore she will (hopefully) respect you.

My mum was laid back with boyfriends and alcohol etc, hence i first slept with someone at 16, who then became my husband and i first got drunk at 17, and i have only been drunk once since then, and that was last summer, aged 23.

My mum always told me that we had to make our oqwn decisions inb life, she could only guide us, and not live our lives for us, and be there to pick up the peices and dust us off when it all went wrong. She does, even now, my marriage recently broke down (due to dv) but i knew i could turn to my mum. She has helped me pick the peices up to start again.

I know a 14 year old being sexually active is wrong in so many ways, but the fact is that you cant really stop her. Before you know it, she'll be bunking off school to see him etc, its better really to say yes okay, of you go, and dont forget if you cant be good be careful!

Don't argue with this young man ever again, face to face or on FB or anywhere. As soon as you start arguing or engaging in any sort of debate you have lost the argument and lost the debate. The way to do it is to tell him you are not discussing the matter with him, you are telling him x and y and z, and that that is the way things will be.

DD should be grounded from phone and FB and physically from being anywhere but school or home. You will have to be willing to be her jailer and check up constantly. I believe you really can prevent your children from making stupid mistakes when it comes to relationships. Part of it is making yourself an active presence in their lives and part of it is listening, and part of it is carrying a big stick and letting them know it. You are still a parent whether your DCs are 14, 16, 18. At 14, your role is going to mean more involvement in their decisions than at 18. Teaching them to respect themselves and to respect me (as AF says) and what that means in practice, is job number one for a parent of teenagers.

While you have her all to yourself, you can chat with her about abuse in relationships, and ask her to think seriously about her future. This young man is a prime example of someone with a massively overinflated sense of entitlement and of his own importance. If he is the school stud, your DD may not have enough self esteem to dump him if/when he starts behaving as you suspect he behaves with others.

In the end your daughter needs to realise that everything you've done has been to ensure she is safe and reaches her potential. Those two things are vital and non-negotiable.

She needs to see everything in those terms. If she gets pregnant (and show her the statistics on how likely that is if she's having sex at that age) then does she REALLY think her life would continue in the same way? Is he REALLY looking out for her rather than for himself?

Oo can I just say big thanks to all,its great to get great insight.helping tonnes.such a tricky dialemna.any more wisely experiences appreciated.

I have secondary school age children including one who is 14. I make it clear that my priority to them as a parent is to ensure their safety.

We talk a lot about boundaries and underage sex, they know my expectations, views and feelings about rushing into things you are not ready for. I have no problem with grounding them or banning them from certain things should the situation warrant it - I do explain in detail exactly why I am doing these things.

I wouldn't engage with the boyfriend at all - its your daughter you need to be engaging with.

So, does anyone else agree that giving in to teenagers whims or acts of defiance, we are getting held in headlocks,albeit indirectly.

Most of us wouldn't agree to dd at 14 going on independent holiday without an adult or pack off to a nightclub.has anyone had perfect experience of dd with freedom or do we agree that even most assertive,bright girls would pursue more intimacy a month down line.e.g if I brought her to get contraception,arnt I saying of you go kid?

All I know is that if she was my DD, I would be spending a lot of time with her, talking to her, finding materials for her to read about relationships, peer pressure and sex, to ensure that she understands the implications of under age sex, how she would cope with teenage pregnancy/STDs (contraception can and often do fail).

I also think its worth looking into ways of boosting her self esteem if you think this is why she is behaving in this way.

I would also withdraw my taxi services and stop paying for her mobile until I know I can trust her.

Why are you so against them being together?

Is the BF alot older??

Because I'd heard from another's parent that he'd put pressure on a girl to have sex.she had rang sister to pick her up.later though she went through with it.they were 14. He is 15 now.his mother apparently trusts him but never seems to be there.

Deep down I think 14 is so young.

What interests does your DD have in her life besides this boy? Any sports participation or involvement in after school clubs like drama or music, etc? Or is she involved with any charity work? Is there anything you could get her involved in that would broaden her horizons a bit ? Duke of Edinburgh Award? At 14 there is not a lot a teen can do that she might be motivated to do for money or a tangible reward (like a part time job) but are there volunteering opportunities in the local library or food bank she could look into, or anything really that could give her a sense of being useful and appreciated for whatever skills and good personality she has and not for how much she turns on the bf?

Yes she attends a drama group and girls fitness, d.o.e next year.

Need to up our girlish activities I must say,lacking recently with 5yr old dd and o.h long working hrs.

Luckily she has lots of good friends,loves socializing and school too so just wanting to keep it that way esp before gcses start next year.hoping she will have got it out of system by then.

I totaly agree with you also madaboutchoc (looked at my post after yours and looks a bit like I disagreed lol).

I agree 14 is so young

I am pleased she has interests outside of school and that you will be spending more time with her.

Good luck!

I just noticed you also have a 5yo dd

it can be very difficult when you have children with a large age gap to do things as a family

a 5 yo and a 14yo will have very different wants and needs, IMO

a difficult juggling act for you

but I would just say, don't leave her to it if you don't think she is emotionally mature enough

at 14, that is very very unlikely especially since she has already lied and broekn your initial compromise

could you get a bit of babysitting for the 5yo and spend some more one-on-one time with your 14yo....it sounds like she needs you more not less right now

teenagers needing their parents less as they get older is a myth, IMO (and sometimes a convenient excuse to look the other way for an easier life). That is not a comment about anyone's parenting choices on this thread, btw, but something I have witnessed among my peers.

I just noticed you also have a 5yo dd

it can be very difficult when you have children with a large age gap to do things as a family

a 5 yo and a 14yo will have very different wants and needs, IMO

a difficult juggling act for you

but I would just say, don't leave her to it if you don't think she is emotionally mature enough

at 14, that is very very unlikely especially since she has already lied and broekn your initial compromise

could you get a bit of babysitting for the 5yo and spend some more one-on-one time with your 14yo....it sounds like she needs you more not less right now

teenagers needing their parents less as they get older is a myth, IMO (and sometimes a convenient excuse to look the other way for an easier life). That is not a comment about anyone's parenting choices on this thread, btw, but something I have witnessed among my peers.

Do you know I never thought of that a.f.
5yr dd is extremely demanding of our attention especially in comparison to dd 14.I need to remember that just because dd 14 is generally very ajusted person, I need to ask het and find that little extra time-even if she dosnt always fancy the idea she will have the opportunity.
Thanks!

5yo's thrive on attention from anybody who loves them, IMO

14 yo girls need their mum, even if they don't admit/show it