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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Not coping very well

30 replies

tan3517 · 15/03/2012 09:49

I feel like I have had the week from hell. We have been having problems with my 14 year old DS behavour for a while now which is affecting our everyday lives. He's permantly on report at school, talks to me and his dad like . I was given a verbal warning on Tuesday for underachieving at work and another meeting in two weeks - which I believe is going to lead to the sack. My husband has been in his job for 14 years and has been told he could be made redundant shortly. So we have so much worry in our family at the moment and I really want to try and sort it all out.
My son plays for a top club football academy and he is getting a review next Thursday. This has too been a very stressful time because my husband works in the city and is up at 5am and trys to get home to take my DS to the football academy twice a week which after his trip home from work he then has to travel another hour out to the club. We have supported our DS since he was 7 years of age with his football and he has always wanted this or led us to believe he did. Travelled to Chelsea/Arsenal etc for games which is about 2 half hours on a Sunday. Put our life on hold all these years, and he has just turned around to me this morning and says he doesnt want to do the acaemy anymore he wants to go back to local Sunday league football. My husband and I are distraught and feel like we have been kicked in the stomach. My husband has told him if he gives it up we will not run him around every sunday to games.
I can't seem to get him to see the bigger picture. I would like him to stay on until the meeting and carry on to see at least if he gets another two year contract. He isnt having any of it. I think he is being very unreasonable and has no idea what he will be throwing away.
Please, please mums can you give me some advice :(

OP posts:
TheOneWithTheHair · 15/03/2012 09:55

Have you considered that he already knows his review is not going to go well and is trying to avoid it. I think you are right to make him stay until the review. If nothing else it will teach him that you can't run away from things.

I'm so sorry about the stress you and dh are under regarding your jobs. Do you think it might be worth discussing this with ds so he knows how stressed you both are. He may decide to behave for a while.

jaffacake2 · 15/03/2012 09:56

Maybe he has taken on the stresses of the family and realises that it is difficult for dad to drop him at the academy.Teens dont voice their fears they act them out so just when everything is going wrong in the family the teenager seems at their worse.This happened in my family,going through divorce,serious illness and stress at work my 15yr dd was awful. It was not till we had a proper talk that I realised how worried she was but couldnt voice it.
Try talking to him and dont hide what is happening with the threat of job losses. You may be surprised that he already knows.

Original poster
tan3517 · 15/03/2012 10:08

theOneWithTheHair Yes I have considered that, and spoken with him - but there is just no reasoning with him he just will not listen to anything we say. Hes been out of games since sept with a bad groin injury so he has been out of the picture really anyway. he thens says he doesn't enjoy it !

Jaffacake he knows and yes i do think it has going to affect him. The trouble is i have also had to tell him its his behavour recently is why im in the position at my work because I have had so much on my mind. However he just will not listebn. we can't force him out the door at his age. however we both know what he is chucking away as he is very talented! :(

OP posts:
mojitomania · 15/03/2012 11:15

You said he's had a recent injury so has been out of the picture for a while, could this be worrying him?

At the end of the day though OP trying to make him do something he doesn't want to do anymore is just going to widen the void.

What "we" want for our kids is not necessarily what "they want for themselves.

Original poster
tan3517 · 15/03/2012 11:29

Yes I think it is worrying him however he doesn't want to give football up he just wants to go back to his old team where he had fun, and throw this fantastic opportunity away. In my opinion it something he will regret for the rest of his life. We have told him if he does this we will no longer run him about every Sunday. We have dedicated our lives for the last 7 years to his footy because thats what he wanted and to get where he is now. We don't come from this background so its all his decisions that we have supported and he's got himself here. Now he wants to just say had enough. I want my DS to realise the bigger picture. In my opinion I think he's scared of rejection.

OP posts:
mojitomania · 15/03/2012 11:57

Um OP it must be disappointing for you but still again I think you're living your lives through him a bit. It is never a good thing to tell a child how much of a sacrifice "you" are making for him. Why wouldn't his dad take him the other club where he has more fun?

TheOneWithTheHair · 15/03/2012 12:10

I actually agree with the op about this. I do think her ds may be too young to "see the bigger picture". I disagree that they are living through him. Op has said they had no prior interest in it.

I don't know if you will be able to make him realise what an opportunity he has because he probably doesn't have the life experience to appreciate what he may be throwing away. I'm not sure this makes him capable of making an informed decision.

Maybe offer to think about him going back to his old club after his review when you can all sit down and have a respectful talk. This may give you enough breathing space to get your own work performance up before your meeting.

Original poster
tan3517 · 15/03/2012 12:24

Thank you TheOneWithTheHair My husband has never played a game of football in his life. we have one child and we have supported him in every way we possibly can. We are scared for him that if he makes this decision he will regret it for the rest fo his life. As his mum I would like him to at least sit it out until next thurs and wait and see what the outcome is. If its a no then we will deal with it then. Dont just say I have enough after all this effort that child has put in.
I know its never a good idea to tell a child what sacrifice you are giving him however these teenagers do need to be made aware and respect others. unfortunately that is what I am trying to do amongst other issues in my life.

OP posts:
TheOneWithTheHair · 15/03/2012 12:34

I think teenagers should be made aware that the world doesn't revolve around them and you do have other worried. You just have to be careful to make him understand that while he is not helping the situation it is not his fault. The last thing you need is for him to interpret what you are saying as you telling him he caused all this.

Try to find a time when he is not in a mood to tell him that you have given a lot of thought to what he has said and you will sit down and discuss it with him after his review. He needs to feel you are listening and taking his point of view seriously. Also ask him to write down his reasons for wanting to change. It may help to make him focus rather than giving vague reasons.

Original poster
tan3517 · 15/03/2012 12:41

thank you so much for your feedback. I just feels like the world is on my case at the moment x

OP posts:
TheOneWithTheHair · 15/03/2012 12:44

:(. But it's only 6hrs till Wine time! Grin

Original poster
tan3517 · 15/03/2012 12:45

Had a bit too much of that recently lol :) Thank you

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Original poster
tan3517 · 15/03/2012 13:06

I just have had another phone call from his pe teacher saying how disruptive he is and he may be taken off his GCSE course. Finding it so hard :(

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 15/03/2012 13:08

So hard. As adults we can see just what he might be throwing away and we know full well that other boys would give their eye teeth for the opportunity that he has. Difficult for all of you.

Would a chat with some one at the academy help do you think? If he has been injured since September he won't have had so much enjoyment out of it all and that may well be influencing his decision. And maybe he is being realistic about his future? You do have to be really very good to make it.

I think you have to sit down with him and have a proper talk. And I think you shouldn't go on about the last seven years ferrying him around. I think that is likely to just put him on the defensive.

Presumably you all have assumed that his future will be football? If he just wants to play as a hobby what ideas does he have for his future?

Original poster
tan3517 · 15/03/2012 13:15

He wants to do something in sport because he loves it so much. However after this phone call a minute ago he's likely to be kicked out of his course, so that means he cant do that. Hes on the road to destruction!! :(

OP posts:
Original poster
tan3517 · 15/03/2012 13:23

After speaking with his teacher who bearing in mind has only had him for a month. I asked how his behaviour is affecting the class and his course and she told me he was burping in class, whilst rounders was going on he was hiding the ball, or pretending he didn't have it. The penny has just dropped - hes attention seeking. So had enough mums :(

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Original poster
tan3517 · 15/03/2012 13:26

May I just add this is not like my son - crazy to believe but it isn't. He is so rebelling!

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TheOneWithTheHair · 15/03/2012 13:39

Well I think there may be two ways to go if it is attention seeking. Either spend a lot of time doing stuff with him. Even if it's just playing computer games.

Or you come down hard and watch his every move like a hawk. Manage his day for him and make him stick to it.

A combination of the two might work.

My ds1 is 15 and about to be kicked off his accountancy course. Found out yesterday. He is failing badly but his teacher neglected to mention this at parents evening in January. Angry
What a waste of two years. He's actually improving with everything else and has gone from an F grade to a B in French this year.

Year 10 was a nightmare though. He did nothing despite our nagging for the whole year and then looked amazed when his end of year report was rubbish! It kicked him up the bum a bit.

Chin up op. You can do this. :)

Original poster
tan3517 · 15/03/2012 14:03

Got no choice I have got to :)

OP posts:
HighNoon · 15/03/2012 20:24

Oh Tan - you seem to be coping admirably given the amount on your plate at the moment!

Sounds like you have trouble on four fronts - school, football academy, your work, your husbands work.

Could you try and get the school on your side by letting them know about all the other things that are going on right now in your family? I've found it really helpful to cultivate and keep contact with at least one sensible and understanding teacher at my kids school. I found that once they know you want improvement in behaviour or learning, they're prepared to be more supportive and a lot more patient and tolerant. It may not solve your son's behaviour (it hasn't really solve mine - but age seems to be doing that! - and at least it's not got worse) but at least you may not feel like you're fighting simultaneously on all fronts. That must be exhausting for you.

Hang on in there! Hope it gets easier for you soon

Original poster
tan3517 · 15/03/2012 22:00

It is high noon. It has worn me completely out. I am a strong person however I'm struggling! I have spoken to the year leader today & told him my son is under sooo much pressure that is why he is rebelling in every way.he seems to be fighting back all the time

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Original poster
tan3517 · 17/03/2012 11:16

After a lot of thinking I am going to give my job up and concentrate on my son. Not an easy decision but we will manage some how. Family is more important. Thank you all for your support.

OP posts:
Gumby · 17/03/2012 11:22

But isn't your dh facing redundancy? Wouldn't it be better to wait until after that?
Hope you're okay xxx

Original poster
tan3517 · 17/03/2012 11:32

Yes he is but I have recieved a warning because my work is not up to standard due to all the other stresses and being reviewed in a weeks time so my thoughts are I could lose it anytway. My job is adding to it all, my sons behaviour the lot. So I feel someone needs to take charge and try and get everything into some sort of perspective.x

OP posts:
TheOneWithTheHair · 17/03/2012 12:00

Have you had a talk with ds yet? How did it go?

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