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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

12 year old dd texting about sex to 16 year old boy

30 replies

atmywitsend · 01/02/2006 12:27

Advice please.... I have found out that my extremely volatile 12 year old dd is texting a 16 year old boy who she meets at Sea Cadets. They are discussing having sex, with most of the running being made by my dd. I know if I confront her with it there will be fireworks - she is totally non-compliant to our wishes and house rules and is due to have anger management conselling. Do we warn the boy off? Speak to his parents (whom we do not know at all?) Do we stop her going to Sea Cadets, which, aside from the above, we feel it a good influence in her life? Help!

OP posts:
cece · 01/02/2006 12:34

no answers just bumping for you

spacedonkey · 01/02/2006 12:38

oh gawd, how awful for you AMWE

How on earth did you find out, and how do you know she's doing "most of the running"? Can you be sure?

A very delicate situation ...

QE2 · 01/02/2006 12:50

amatmywitsend - texting about sex does not necessarily mean she is going to have sex but I would still make sure that she has no opportunity handed to her on a plate to do so. By that I mean I would take her to and from Sea Cadets - this is something to encourage btw. When she is at home I would insist that her phone is left with you so you have some control over who and when she is texting.

Insist on knowing who she is going out with and that she comes back at the time you agree. If she doesn't then she forfeits going out the next time.

My dd is 14 and we don't let her take her phone up to her room when she is at home. Her msn is monitored too and we have a facility where we can read her msn messages if we suspect anything dodgy going on.

I would contact the boys' parents and have a (non-confrontational) chat. If your dd goes round his house ask that the parents don't allow them to spend hours up in his room for instance. I would not hesitate to do this with dd's boyfriend btw.

How have you found out that she is sending these texts?

cece · 01/02/2006 12:55

Has she got an Aunty or Gran or teacher who could talk to her if she won't listen to you?

Original poster
atmywitsend · 01/02/2006 13:59

Thank you all for your replies. How did we (DH and I) find out about her texts? - we took the fateful decision to read them off her mobile (which, yes, we do insist she leaves downstairs at night, which she did after much malevolent glaring). It's awful to have to say it, but this is how little we now trust her. Time and time again she whines on about how we never 'trust' her, so there follows a very short, period of relative calm, but then she lets slip something, or her behaviour changes, and with a deep sigh, we know something is up. What is it with this girl? She seems to have a self-destruct mechanism in her, at age 12!!. She enjoys countless privileges I never even dreamed of at her age (when I were a lass, etc...). Not, I stress, as a substitute for affection or love, there is plenty of that, as her younger DD would testify to. More that we want her to take every opportunity available to her to experience life. And, no, sex at 12 was not one we envisaged. We have tried stopping favoured activities, but we are usually met with "doesn't matter to me". As for another person to speak to, she is actually seeing a school counsellor at the moment (has been for a few weeks), but neither we nor teachers can have contact with her. And I just know the advice from them will be a woolly, liberal "well, if you feel you must.." - shows how cynical I've become. As for the boy, we will attempt to contact his parents this evening, and talk about it. Ditto Sea cadets staff (we always take/pickup anyway, except tonight). This is going to be very ugly, whatever happens.

OP posts:
starlover · 01/02/2006 14:03

gosh, i don't know how i'd react if that was my daughter!
deifnitely agree with not stopping sea cadets, but you could ask the people who supervise them to try and make sure they do activities separately?

also, how about finding her more out-of-school interests? fill up her time.... find somethihng she REALLY enjoys doing which may help to fill this gap she thinks she has in her life

fairyjay · 01/02/2006 14:12

Have a 12 yr old dd, and really feel for you.

Original poster
atmywitsend · 01/02/2006 14:18

Hi starlover - More activities? There are not enough hours in the week, believe me, with dance, swimming, running! Perhaps what this is, is something to impress her 'mates' - "look what I've done" sort-of-thing. She has started to become one of the clones at school she has often looked down on, in her dress, hair, speech and attitude, despite us always (trying to) teach both DDs that you should be your own person, independent in thought and action. She refuses to 'knuckle under, to let us have one over on her' (I'm paraphrasing her here), so reaching sensible compromises, give-and-take, thinking of the consequences, is very hard work with her. She is articulate, is certainly not dim (but common sense sometimes eludes her), but volatile - we have to approach her with kid gloves and guile far too often. It's very wearying, and I really, really wish she would let us know what her problem is. But she is 12, self-analysis isn't part of her makeup yet (and don't start me on that topic...)

OP posts:
starlover · 01/02/2006 14:21

ah so she has plenty of other hobbies and activities...

do you have a wicked old aunt you could send her to stay with for a while?

Aloha · 01/02/2006 14:27

Grounded, no Sea Cadets, no mobile phone. Speak to his parents.

QE2 · 01/02/2006 16:22

atmywitsend - you know, you could be talking about my dd, except for the aggressiveness - we don't get that, thankfully.

tbh I think you are doing all you can in teaching her consequences of her actions and everything else you describe in your last post. The only other thing is to big up her self esteem. Now don't ask me how you actually do that apart from praising her when she does make the right decisions and how proud of her you are etc etc.

Some kids just don't knuckle down and do what they are told until they are much older, sounds like your dd wants to be one of these. Part of life but infuriating for parents. I suppose there must be a book for help with problems such as this?

lou33 · 01/02/2006 16:31

Can you take her phone off her permanently? I'd certainly talk to his parents. Teenage daughters, even thinking about how mine can behave (she's nearly 14) raises my blood pressure. She doesn't have a boyfriend, but i did bust her for looking at hardcore porn online, so i sympathise

fairyjay · 01/02/2006 16:38

My daughter knows that I look at her incoming and outgoing messages on her phone - and that there will be trouble if they get wiped off!

OK - so I won't know - but at the moment she's convinced that I've got some way of finding out - and I'm keeping quiet.

doormat · 01/02/2006 16:44

agree on the supervision to and from cadets

I would personally take mobile phone off her and show texts to his parents pointing out that your dd is still underage- despite her chasing him
hopefully this may sort this lad out to be a bit wary of going near her (dont forget that most lads dont give a hoot, it is just another notch so to speak)

I know I am going to get lambasted for this next one, but I think you really need to do this
your dd is beginning to be sexually involved, if it is not with this lad, there will be others that will come along and take advantage of her
I would personally take her to docs and put her on contraception, it would be no way condoning her behaviour but it will stop unwanted pg's.If teenagers want to be sexually active, they will be but we as parents can always advise our kids .
Also maybe girlie chats with her on the ways of contraception and that lads are after only one thing.Save her virginity for someone special etc as she will regret it.etc etc etc
Also agree with aunties and grans etc getting their 2 pennies worth in and having a chat about the downfalls of boys and growing up in general.
She may be angry because she is growing up mentally and physically too fast to cope with these feelings and also that you see her as a child iykwim.
hope all goes well and your dd calms down a bit
xxx

QE2 · 01/02/2006 21:23

Would you really do that doormat? Get her put on the pill I mean? Do you think she would actually take it anyway?

atmywitsend - Key thing here is to keep a close eye on her and dismiss any protests that you are not allowing her any freedom. That comes with responsibility and she needs to show she is more mature before she gets any.

Tortington · 01/02/2006 22:26

well i would take her phone and bin it

take her out of sea cadets

lose the plot
ground her for months

no activites for a month.

sometimes 12 year olds need to remember they are ....12 not 15.

i am of the firm do it my way and shut your gob camp

doormat · 02/02/2006 13:12

QE2 if I knew my dd was becoming sexually aware at 12, I would encourage the pill not to condone the matter of sexual activity but because
I would basically be between the devil and the deep blue sea,
I would have to weigh up the options
either my dd go on the pill or take the risk of hoping dd not having sexual relations
I would rather her be on the pill than my dd not be pg at a young age (I was and thankfully none of my dd's were pg teenagers as I know what a struggle it was being one myself)
sex was always an open subject in our home when dd's were growing up, as I said in last post I encouraged family and friends to discuss boys with my dd's. I put them on the pill when 2 were 14, and 1 was 15 ( not because they were sexually active but because just in case they did, I did not want them to get pg)2 of them remained virgins until they were nearly 18.
I also agree on grounding but you cant ground them forever
you can only advise and hopefully build up a rapport with your dd's, that they can come to you and discuss anything

Aloha · 02/02/2006 13:18

I'm on team Custardo today!

hub2dee · 02/02/2006 13:30

As an aside, how about some input on how to properly communicate to her potential boyfriend her requirements for condoms, how they work, how to put them on, the reality of 'blue balls', the reality of 'no', pressure etc., how to be assertive etc.... that might help too.

ggglimpopo · 02/02/2006 13:36

Message withdrawn

ggglimpopo · 02/02/2006 13:37

Message withdrawn

tissy · 02/02/2006 13:42

here you are

ggglimpopo · 02/02/2006 13:47

Message withdrawn

hub2dee · 02/02/2006 13:50

Thanks tissy !

(phew)

QE2 · 02/02/2006 14:17

Me and dh have both learned something new today! Mumsnet really is amazing.