Do I let 15yo go into care?

[Brightspark1]

Posted before about DD's behaviour. Last night she trashed the house, crayon on walls, nail varnish all over bathroom and wrote f* you on the carpet. Lashed out at DH and me, and was physically violent. Ended up calling police. She calmed down but was still giving attitude. She ran away two weekends ago and was found by the transport police. Despite attending CAMHS , she will not engage with any attempts to help her and is angry, all the time. We are exhausted and life has stopped, am not coping at work. It has been suggested that we put her into temporary care, I'm tempted in a way, just to get a break, but it feels like a final admission of failure as a parent, and I don't know whether it will make things worse in the long run.
What do I do?

I'm so sorry things are so bad at the moment, Brightspark... It all sounds very grim. It's nearly impossible not to feel like a Bad Mum when our kids are off the rails, isn't it? :(
I don't know if this will help at all, but I have had a thought, and it is giving me some comfort...

In a nutshell, I wonder whether some children have to fight harder than others to break free, emotionally, of their parent(s)... The thought of leaving home occurs to them, and it's scary, and they can't imagine leaving a loving mum and/or dad - but they know they have to and they kind of want to... So they systematically (unconsciously, I'd guess) set about damaging the relationship, so it become something they want to lose, rather than something they want to keep.

It's hard impossible not to take it personally, when they are foul - especially when it's directed straight at you - because in a way it is personal: it's about them trying to break the emotional ties with the people they love most :(

Hang on to this thought: if your daughter is more foul to you than anyone else in the world (as my son is to me) that is almost certainly because she loves you more than anyone else in the world.

I find that a consolation, sometimes.

I have another, more tentative thought about your daughter's fears of hurting you... I dunno, maybe it's just pop psychology: feel free to dismiss it if it doesn't ring true, of course... But I'm wondering... Maybe on some level she feels so close - she loves you so much - that she can't imagine breaking free in any other way..? Maybe she can't imagine just leaving: she thinks she has to make you hate her, or even make you dead - to get away. Maybe a bit of time in care and some professional support will help reassure you that she can live without you, she can be independent, without taking any desperate measures?

Thinking of you. Wishing you all well. :)

I second what Maryz said...........

And she may well be fantastic at the moment but everywhere my DS has been he generally is ok for a while...... the calm before the storm..... then they exert authority and lay down ground rules and he goes again. Remember she is some where new and exciting.

I used to deliver books of blood and vile from my DS to CAHMS........ he used to draw, cut himself and write in different voices. He used to terrify me. I think the best thing I have done is to get him assessed....... for his own well being.....He may not always agree but I KNOW its the right thing.

I really feel for you op.

When I was a teenager there was a period where I was a lot like your dd. I was deeply unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin. Really, I hated myself so much (and was binge eating too which was emotionally very painful. I hated the effect that had on my body and yet I couldn't stop myself) I was in a situation where I was being abused though and I just didn't know how to make it all stop, and anyone I asked for help dismissed my concerns in different ways. I remember my mum being very loving but because she was safe, that's where lots of my anger came out, if that makes sense. It was a cry for help. I was also very angry that she couldn't see how bad I was feeling and stop everything bad that was happening. I was furious that I had been born at all. (ah, teenagers .) For me it really was the more I hated myself the more angry I was at the person who loved me the most and who should be able to take all those bad feelings away but couldn't.

I don't know if someone abuse your dd. Possibly, possibly not. I just wanted to give you an insight of what I felt. I ended up with a really good counsellor and over time was able to tell people what had happened to me and things started being taken seriously. I was also told very firmly to take responsibility for my own feelings. If I felt angry/sad/self-hatred, I had to own that and do something about it rather than getting angry with my parents. It was tough, but it really helped me and thankfully now I have a good relationship with my parents.

I really hope things improve between you. It is so hard if she won't talk; she needs to start opening up to someone she trusts so you can get to the bottom of it. It sounds to me like you are doing everything right.

Just want to add my support.
DS1 went nuts for a couple of years. It sort of crept up on us and we seemed to be suddenly faced with this 6foot teenager who hated me and blamed me for every thing in his life.
He was convinced he had bi polar and did all he could to get us to disown him.

It truly broke my heart and I felt like I was going to fall apart.

He wanted to go into care and kept pushing and pushing. We only really manage to avoid it because he was older and SS really resist taking on 16/17 year olds.

He was self harming, drinking etc.

He did eventually move out. We had to ask him to leave but we refused to do what he wanted, which was to say we didnt want him anymore. We did say we couldnt have him because of his behaviour. He got a place in a hostel and is still there.

He cooked me dinner on Sunday .

He is always going to be a bit of a challenge but he seems happy and has plans for the future. We are rebuilding our relationship bit by bit.

I really hope things work out for you. I know how desperate it is. I hope she 'comes back' to you x

Thank you all for your sensible advice and kind words.We saw her briefly today to give her more clothes and some books and stuff. She didn't say much ( no change there) but she did give me a quick hug, which meant a lot to me. Apparently she feels that we are in danger if she stays home, she actually looks much better , less stressed. Which is hard in a funny sort of way. I feel much better today, have planned coffee with friends and went out for a walk. I think I just have to be patient, step back and give her the space she needs and accept I can't change things. But you're right, I won't tell her she isn't wanted, just the opposite.

Just reposting for emjxxx to read. Hope it helps

Thanks for reposting Brightspark1,

I have cried the whole way through this post, your DD could be my DD. Some good advice on this post, think i will re read a few times to take it all in.

I know it old thread but I have 15 years old in similar situation, angry , abusive , she heats me , screams , my husband had enough and wants to leave , don’t want to go to school , she hates me and her dad .she kind of take everything in her ways , feeling pain more , very depressed , threatening to hurt herself.
nearly no proper friends just phone , media. CAMHs didn’t tea help, don’t trust counsellor.
I fear for her life she has high and lows which scare me . I know she may have dyspraxia too.
I just want her to be ok

I didn't see this original post but from what I've just read I could have written lots of this apart from my dd doesn't have any disability but has had a traumatic event .

My Dd from age 14 became extremely oppositional to any boundaries. Her reactions were aggressive, self harming , overdosing , running away . Initially only happening at home then became more aggressive and rule breaking at school .

We tried being firm , she became aggressive , we ignored what we could , she did what she wanted . We had to call the police who re, enforced that we were not being unreasonable . Social services became involved and assessed us as being good parents , our dd begged to be taken into care but this was refused .
Me and her dad have felt heartbroken many times . Our marriage was falling apart .

We were told not to give up on her , keep telling her she is wanted . No chance of going into care .

We got her into counselling , her self esteem is very low ( maybe due to trauma event) she has friends but isn't confident with them . She attracts boys with troubling families and is on birth control to prevent pregnancy and just started sertraline.

We have been told to stick by her and we are doing . I'm in counselling too to get through this . Things are calming down .

She was recently excluded from school for aggression , we arranged for her to stay with a family member to attend a referral unit for I week . She refused saying that she'd been chucked out of school and wouldn't be chucked out of home too .

I would be asking services for what is needed to support families to stay together while this is happening . Unfortunately covid and lockdown had not helped with the teenage brain and its chaos .

I feel we are coming out of it but it's been hell .

Sending love to all those families trying to parent through this , your not alone .

th you very much for sharing, I’m literally gutted, it’s hurts me so much that I can function properly. I scared of my DD reactions , my husband think it my fault I spoiled her , he had enough and wants to go after us being 25 years together.
blame on her everything, I understand, he know I not going to leave her , she is my DD . I have no relatives in this country, he does . She keep saying why all this bad things happening to her . She watching her friends have normal life’s with our even before lockdown it’s stress. She often injuries her self , clumsy. She saying she will end her life , had boy and he used and damped her. Steams and shouting , trying to hurt me ,I can see her soul is crying for help .
But what can I do she need to go school but she doesn’t want to .
She nice to other people but not us , i looking back and thinking what do I done wrong, spoiled her ?
maybe .