Do I let 15yo go into care?

[Brightspark1]

Posted before about DD's behaviour. Last night she trashed the house, crayon on walls, nail varnish all over bathroom and wrote f* you on the carpet. Lashed out at DH and me, and was physically violent. Ended up calling police. She calmed down but was still giving attitude. She ran away two weekends ago and was found by the transport police. Despite attending CAMHS , she will not engage with any attempts to help her and is angry, all the time. We are exhausted and life has stopped, am not coping at work. It has been suggested that we put her into temporary care, I'm tempted in a way, just to get a break, but it feels like a final admission of failure as a parent, and I don't know whether it will make things worse in the long run.
What do I do?

Thanks for all your support. Was cleaning DDs room, getting nail varnish off walls, getting rid of pencil sharpener blades , chocolate wrappers, empty sugar packets etc and found a notebook under her bed. I know I shouldn't have read it but I couldn't help myself. In it was words and pictures of such self hatred and despair and desperation, it was unbearable. She described how scared she was that she was going to hurt us, but no one listened and the the medication (Prozac) was just to control her mind.
If I felt bad before I feel desperate now, can't stop shaking. Please tell me there can be a happy ending.

There really can be a happy ending, your dd has to do the work though and you can guide and support, be there but you can't do the work for her - that is the hardest part as often you get so frustrated as they don't seem to want to do the work to hep themselves

They do get there eventually and they know themselves they have made life very difficult for themselves.

Hi Brightspark,

I just saw your thread that you are looking for your original thread (which is this one).

I'm in a very similar situation with you, and it's absolutely horrible. There is no right or wrong, I guess. It may sound so stupid, but if I need to switch off I read a comic strip or something to take my mind off (doesn't work all the time, but sometimes it does).

I don't know where my DD is right now. At the moment it's beyond my control. Your DD is in a safe place at the moment. So please focus on that.

Best of luck xx

no proper advice just wishing you strength to get through the weekend and find some hope.

my dd went thru a rough time after a trauma and I was always surprised by how her take on things was different from mine, and changed so much day to day

what she said and did and what she thought inside could be quite different too

for example she said she hated me etc but it turns out she didn't at all.. in fact she had to say a person she admired most in the world for a discussion in school and to my amazement she had put me.. you would not have believed that from her comments to me at the time

look after yourself x

I've got no advice to offer, just wanted to send love to you, your family and DD x

-hugs- I agree with Maryz, a psyc evaluation should help. If she doesn't improve time on a children's psyc ward might be more beneficial than care. I really hope you and she get the help you need. xxx

She was on psyc ward for three months last year, all that happened was her self harm got worse, she cut off all her hair with scissors, and ran away and attempted suicide when she was on home leave. They decided it was behavioural not psychiatric washed their hands of her and sent her home. The local camhs are the only ones that have been any help. She behaves well there and at school, is the only one that offers to do chores, it's just us she has a go at. I can't switch my brain off at all and am seriously thinking of going to gp to get myself signed off,as I can't seem to do anything

My thoughts are with you Brightspark. My DS is in a psychiatric hospital as self harms etc. I just wanted to share with you what someone said to me when I last went for a review at the hospital and I said I felt like I had failed him
'there is a team of people here and we all struggle to parent your DS'
But you think as a parent you should be able to cope and make them better. Its only when he left that I realised the considerable strain we had been under. And it hit me hard and continues to do so six months on.............

The interesting thing is my DS can keep things up for a while........ was in three short term psych hospitals and behaved perfectly......... it was only when he was sectioned for six months he literally fell apart

Hi Brightspark
I have nothing useful to add except 'hang on' - this will pass. I agree that going to your gp about your own well bring is a good idea.
Just keep reminding her that you love her and hopefully in time things will improve.

I understand being inpatient may not be best - believe me, I've been there - but getting extra outpatient support could help. Behavioural/psychological problems cross over majorly.

Thinking of you and hoping things get better in time. -hugs-

You and your Husband are doing all you can and you do not deserve to be treated like this, I think you need to get as much outside help as you can and care may be the best option

OP - 4 years ago I had a crisis with my daughter. I read her diary full of anger against me and tbh fabrications which was probably what she believed but were not accurate portrayals of her life- she was a bit of a fantasist. I found paracetamol stocks, first aid (for her self harming injuries). She seemed to hate me and I could not reach her. I despaired and was desperately worried. Gradually we made gentle progress, laying down boundaries of behaviour but refusing to engage with the drama which she seemed to try and cause. It was almost like she wanted to be an abused child (or something) to find a reason for her emotional state. Being a loved child wasn't fitting with her 'story'. I couldn't see a future.

Today she is at uni and rings to chat like an adult. We are closer than ever.

DD behaves perfectly for everyone else, I've just phoned the home and she has helped cook and even di gardening. It's just us, and we feel so rejected. I don't think she wants to come home, she says she is scared of hurting us. I wil hand the notebooks to her Camhs worker as it might help them to get somewhere. She hasn't been spoilt, we have a comfortable lifestyle, and I have always fitted working round the children not the other way round. I honestly don't know what I've done wrong. The only thing is that I had a difficult time at work with bullying closely followed by an accident that last me in plaster for three months so I probably didn't notice her going off the rails as much as I should have done. Being on crutches made it difficult to monitor her eating ,she could hear me coming. I'm so glad things turned out ok for you tb thief, that is what I dream of happening. I will find out tomorrow what will happen, and I hope whatever happens will be the right thing. The only thing I have to do now is to tell her brother, he will be devastated

Hugs, OP. It must be an awful situation.

Care is not the only respite you have. There are also Christian charities who can help out by providing temporary accommodation (with patient, loving families) and who will listen to your DD and help her work out her problems. They can also work with you. You are not alone.

We have this excellent group working in Surrey and Berkshire called East to West easttowest.org.uk. Perhaps if you contact them they will be able to point you to a similar group in your area.

Thanks, I'll look into this! haven't been to church in a year ( couldn't face anyone and much loved vicar left.) It sounds less social service-y

I think a church group can be a lot more flexible and less tick-boxy. They will, most importantly, be totally loving towards your DD and you.

Just wanting to add my support and send you hugs brightspark.

Just been signed off sick for two weeks, feel a complete malingerer esp as no one will cover my work. Was Informed that DD will stay where she is 'for the time being' until a SS meeting is arranged. Neither she or we knew this until this afternoon, she went to CAMHS centre with her suitcase not knowing where she would be sleeping tonight. I feel a complete and utter shit , going over all the mistakes I've made- not taking her out of primary school when she was unhappy, not taking up suggestion of CAMHS referral in year 7 when she found it difficult to settle in new school- I could go on. Everyone tells me not to blame myself, but if I hadn't have been such a shit parent, we wouldn't be in this mess. Can't concentrate and have run out of things to clean, nothing to wash or iron either

I think you could be the best parent in the world and easily be in this mess - you can't take responsibility for someone else's mental state and hormones. Please don't beat yourself up over this, we all do the best we can and nobody can see the future.

Have been referred to counsellor by GP , was also given a script for citalopram but havent't decided whether or not to fill it. Mary's, I know you're right, I would say the same to someone else , I am swimming most days as its the only thing that will turn my brain off.