do i sit back, can i ground my 17 year old ds for not working at as levels, or just leave him to fail

[Slartybartfast]

i seem to have been nagging him for a whole year. but it doesnt work. i know in their gcse years some of his peers are not allowed out during the week, but we are passed that, although he did not pass as well as he could. his teachers say, perhaps they are wrong, he has the ability. but he cant seem to put pen to paper.
and what else is out there for him? sigh.
dh increasingly stressed by ds laziness.
he is not too old to be grounded surely?

Had same problem with my oldest DS (now at uni). He realise after getting bad grades that he had to get head down & it was down to him. He did an extra year at college to pass what he needed to, but he was basically lazy & we had quite a bit of conflict at the time. Grounding did not work for us as it was too hard to enforce (sound a bit weak I know - but lot of other issues with other DS2 at time).

thanks for your input. it seems 17 year old boys cause a lot of trouble

My 17 year old dd is causing me so much stress with her AS/A2 results so far. She is such an optimistic person and keeps saying she is realising where she went wrong but, despite re-takes, nothing improves even though teachers say she has the ability to do well.Dd says she is revising but I think this consists of sitting in her room, texting, doing her nails ,planning social events and generally day-dreaming!I feel helpless because, as you say Slarty, they are past so many of the discipline options we have with younger children.
She has had offers from some good universities, but if things carry on this way, has no chance of reaching her required grades.

If only you could do it for them Never thought teen parenting could be such relentlessly frustrating.

agree with you all
i always found that the threat to call into college to speak to tutors inspired a litt;e extra work

Going through it now with my Year 12 ds. First ds was a dream and just got on with it and got excellent grades (now at uni). Ds2 just isn't interested enough in applying himself.

So far I have "made" him study (as I did for his GCSEs - he did OK). He would do seriously sod all if I didn't. He goes to his room with no phone or internet and makes notes on chapters of his text book, then shows me what he did. No idea if the info is going in or not! He also revises with me in the kitchen sometimes. I ask him questions from text books. Works quite well, but will not help him if he ever goes to uni (unless he takes me with him!). It's a means to an end for now.

Having had two completely different ds's I'm beginning to realise that studying simply isn't for everyone. Ds2 talking about going in the army now!

I have the same DD was a dream now at uni in final year . DS however was a different story did ok in his GCSE's terrible in his A's he did however get offers from the uni he wants . His resits have been much better but we had a big row when the teacher emailed me to tell me he thought he was gonna fail I subsequently found out he wasn't doing any papers after getting him sorted and finally doing some he did a hell of a lot better. He just wouldn't accept what he had to do! It's so common nagging doesn't do anything and I know it's his results but it makes me feel like I've been a bad parent when I know I've been a good one! This is a common theme amongst a lot of teenage boys maybe it's immaturity I don't think they realise that their gonna feel terrible when everyone else knows what their doing and their stuck doing retakes !it hasn't been like my DS has come home and said ok studying isn't for me lets look at something else they just seem to drift in a bit of a dream! Still think my one has turned a corner but I won't rely on it plenty of time for him tom mess it up!

I could have asked the same thing with my DD. The sterner I get about her doing her work, the more stubbornly lazy she becomes and the angrier she gets with me about me pushing her. She is failing in a major way and it's a struggle to keep her in school.

I don't know if grounding would work. I'm trying to get her to not go to the park with friends after school so she can get schoolwork done. I'm also trying to disconnect the internet and take her phone when she is meant to be studying. But then she just stops studying all together and if I take everything away (i.e. say she can't even watch telly) she just goes into her bed.

So, I don't know. It terrifies me and it is so frustrating. I just want her to stay at school - and pass her exams. There's nothing else out there for them anymore. They've no idea how much easier school is than working or looking for work or uni!

My ds hated first year of A levels did nothing and left in the April.restarted in Sept at new college and so far so good BUT I don't see the same sense if interest/urgency amongst his mates re uni as I did a year or so ago. And they are all capable just seem to have other fish to fry

My parents grounded me while I was at uni....! I would have failed my degree otherwise. I say ground him. He'll go mad but you just need to stay strong and remember you're doing this for his own good, as parents do.

How do you ground someone who is virtually an adult

but why not ground them when they are virtually an adult? they are still relying on you for bed and board.

if someone is still relying on me for bed. board and support, I would use grounding where I felt it appropriate

and if they didn't like it, they could always move out < shrug >

if someone wants to be treated a s a grown up, they act like one

act like a child, get treated like one

an "adult" is someone who takes responsibility for thei actions

ergo...if you don't study, you leave college and support yourself

try that for a game of fucking soldiers

precisely. AF

Af do you have teenagers?

A lot of boys this age have to learn the hard way. Youncan withdraw privileges etc but actual grounding is pointless as it doesn,t inspire them to work they just retreat to their rooms and seethe on fb ad twitter. Better to let them realise themselves they are lagging behind and ground themselves! That way they do start to take on the studying it's certainly how it is happening with ds and his mates who have gone off a bit last year. It may take longer but they have time and do get there.

I got school to take away his free periods. Instead of having study time in the common room which amounted to watching daytime TV with his mates, he had to go to the LRC and work. There was/is always a teacher there so I knew he was being watched. He didn't really protest either which was a bonus.

Your school might be willing to something similar

I agree ruby. My brother is a film editor and my best and oldest friend a producer and he sees their careers and it sinks in!

I just wanted to mention something. You say your son is very bright, but just cant put pen to paper, so maybe being in an college environment isnt helping him, maybe he find the paper work boring and wants to be actually DOING it? Maybe an apprenticeship or something similar would help. I wish i had considered these options and i am now, i know college isnt for me and therefore i dont plan on wasting anyones time going back, but i know i can acheive anything if i put my mind to it!

Noddy, yes

and my 16yo dd is fully aware that if she is not taking a course of study seriously, then she will be expected to support herself by getting a job

for a 16yo with no qualifications that is likely to be very poorly paid (if she even managed to get one). So, because I would provide the basic bed and board (but no more) and expect remuneration for it, there wouldn't be much left for the acquisitive lifestyle she is so fond of

Some do take longer to 'get' it though. There are very few jobs which is why there are so many teenagers staying on at college and some perhaps doing unsuitable courses but if they leave they have nowhere to turn. It is a sad state of affairs. My ds will probably go to university I am not sure that is the best thing for him but hope that in 4/5 yrs time the economy may have changed. Front page of our local paper last friday said unemployed 18-24 yr olds rose by 50% since october! I think some of the despair may be filtering through

I know, noddy, it is actually terrifying

my dd won't go to University, I think

she simply doesn't have the studying ethic, and would struggle to stay focussed in a non-vocational subject (as evidenced by my wailing and gnashing of teeth on other threads .. )

I am willing to support her through college (she has applied to do travel/tourism as she wants to travel and work abroad) and all that entails financially, but if she stuffs it up or doesn't keep to her side of the bargain, she knows all the "extras" eg. mobile phone tariff, monthly allowance, paying for holidays/concerts/yet another pair of Ugg boots etc will stop

Bribery might work better; friends had good effects, but I have no first hand experience

hm, could try bribery, bit strapped for cash myself though.