PLEASE help! Antisocial allegations made against my son. (sorry, an essay)

[WorriedWitless]

Help, please, and advice if possible, I am getting myself into a real state.
I got a letter from the anti-social behaviour coordinator about my son. It is an awful letter.
They have received complaints about "nuisance, intimidating behaviour, alcohol fuelled anti-social behavour and other incidents of nuisance and harassment" and tell me that he is "part of the group causing these problems". It then goes on to say that I am repsonsible for the behaviour of my household and the matter is being viewed very seriously. I am informed of an appointment to visit us.
After a day being worried witless I came to my senses and phoned the guy for more information. It turns out it about under-age drinking. So what about this intimidation and harrassment? Just "perceived" as there are a lot of them and they are noisy. So I calmed down a bit as no serious accusations had been made, but now am up to full speed worrying again. He said the meeting was just for a chat and nothing formal, but why send out such a threatening, intimidating letter? And why are residents automatically believed? We are at a complete dispdavantage here as we can't know who has made the complaints and I know for a fact that claims are often exaggerated to ensure the attention of the police. To give the guy credit, he said he was aware of that too.
We are a large village not an inner city, no violence at all and residents should know this. Even if a lager or two is consumed he never, ever comes home showing it. They are a good group of kids, ranging from 14 - 18, polite, friendly, more social skills than the older residents - people should try saying hello instead of demonising them. They have nowhere to meet, they can't settle in any one place for long as someone calls the police. They get hounded out of the market place and forced into the dark corners of the recreation ground. What sort of society does that to their young people? They are mostly in groups of 5 or 6 but sometimes they coalesce into about 20, often when seeing friends off on the bus.
Sorry, this is a real essay. I just don't know how to play the meeting and I get very emotional. And I can't stop him meeting his friends - why should I when they are doing no harm? And why shouldn't they socialise - in Europe you meet your friends n the Piazza, so what is so wrong with meeting in the market place? But if any more complaints are made this could become very serious. And how can I stop him being wrong with just his presence? He is the only one to get a letter so far, which is very odd.
Are there any mums or legal people out there who know about this sort of thing and the procedures that are in play? Am I over-reacting?

I think there have been complaints received, and as such the Council have identified some of the kids involved and have written to a parent detailing residents concerns and asking for a meeting. That meeting should explain what the residents concerns are, and hopefully the Council, the young people, the parents and the young people can come together and come to a solution that suits everyone.
What you want to avoid at all costs is reseidents, kids, Council and parents all clashing, with the situation escalating. I'd also question where the alcohol is being purchased, and invite the shop owner along to the meeting, to bring him/her into the discussion.

I can really only comment on my own situation in my own location, but in this case these young people are not an unkown quantity. Most have grown up in the village and their families are known to residents. They are not and never have been trouble makers so why assume the worst now? Also I repeat, no one is ever, ever mugged, threatened, raped etc. in this village. No violence. Good natured kids, they don't even squabble amongst themsleves.

Secondly, the world doesn't stop at kids bed time. It didn't do when my kids were small and I didn't expect it to. Football matches go on on the recreation ground. That's what the rec is for so why choose to live there. Small children shriek on the rec in summer and fine by me.

I will let the meeting go ahead as don't want to seem too defensive as we have nothing to hide. I am out of panic-mode now so will be calm and analytical. I will give them no more information than necessary as I think they may be using us as a way to ferret more info out of us, pretending they know more than they do. My approach will be somewhere between Leahs and Custardos. I'll ask for allegations in writing. You are right custardo, we have not had any police on the doorstep so there probaly isn't anything concrete so bet they can't do it. Feel a bit better now.

Worried, these are all questions you need to ask at your meeting - and of course no-one expects the world to stop at kids bedtime, but again, you need to find out what is going on. There may be things that have happened that you weren't aware of, or it may be one or 2 residents who are over-reacting. Either way, I'd urge you to go in with an open mind, and as I said in my earlier post, look at this as an opportunity to open dialogue within the Community as a whole.

Yes, I agree entirely, pg. And I am considering all the possibilities and angles as I don't want too many surprises at the meeting. All I have to go on is that the man on the phone said that it was only numbers and noise, no specific incidents. If I take that at face value the letter is a sledge-hammer to crack a nut. Or we are being used as a 'way-in' or fact-finding mission.

I'd be pretty annoyed about being the nut the sledgehammer was used on though.

For some reason I've now got that "I'd rather be a hammer than a nail..." Simon and Garfunkel song going around in my head.

Yes caligula, that's what's bugging me. Plus the fact that they are pretending to have more power than they actually have. I don't like to be taken for a mug like that. However I'll see what they have to say and take it from there. If they can't give details I won't provide them with any.

Btw, PG, didn't mean to sound dismissive about noise and bedtime. I was just thinking about when ds was small and older littlies were still playing outside on bikes etc. and the fact that it didn't bother me. I wondered why it all changes when their voice breaks!

It all changes as they get older! I remember being pigged off (before I had mine) when kids were out playing and I had to stop my car for them or give them their ball back after they'd kicked it in my garden for the millioneth time . Now, I'd be furious if anyone tried to stop my kids playing outside, but I get at the teens who hang about near us shouting and carrying on! And yet in a few years time, no doubt mine will be doing the same! I guess all we can do as parents is make sure that they are safe and have respect for themselves and others. I hope it all goes well for you and your DS, and that you can stop it all before it starts iykwim

Very true. It is also worth considering that ds says they don't actually want to be skulking in the darkness - it is the only place they don't get bothered by anyone. Until they get noisy that is!!

Actually he has a girl friend now and instead of wall to wall eminem and 50cent coming from his room, we have had James Blunt and Greenday at full volume (what a contrast). So there may be light at the end of the tunnel.

kids play. they always have and they always will. some people get to a certain age and get very intolerant of the young. Very unfair.

There are no facilities for kids to go to and have fun - what are they supposed to do?

It is when kids are bored and not catered for that they are more likely to be noisy and annoy people anyway! - and in some cases cause trouble.

sadly, a lot of people see a group of kids out and about in the evening and just assume they are up to no good - hoodies etc! even though most kids are good, decent people just minding their own business and not causing any bother. Kids just love to hang with their mates - why get crucified for that?

Kids cant do ANYTHING right it seems. stay in -wrong. go out - wrong.

Instead of going down the 'chain all kids up' route, why do councils not stick a few quid into creating some bloody fun!

Of course, there are some bad 'uns, and they need dealing with, but most kids are not bad at all but everything they do is judged. no wonder teenagers have an attitude!

My2p, it could have been me writing that. All they want to do is somewhere to socialise together, not even endless activities (though a few would be nice). In warmer climes they have cafes and bars to go to, to make a coke last all morning or play table football. Sadly we don't have that in this country. Until it changed hands, an enlightened pub in the village allowed them in to play pool. Now that has gone and you suddenly realise just how stupid it is that kids are segregated from adults so much.

you know - you could get together with other parents and fundraise / pester for a club / cafe / bike track / whatever for kids to hang out...

grants, lottery funding, fund raising...

You could really make a difference

I mean,actually be proactive making a difference instead of all this crap just going on and you taking it up the pooper!!

I agree with Caligula. Take notes. Copious notes. Get names, dates and times. Record everything. It's important in case you need it later. It also shows how seriously you are taking it.

Morning everyone, thanks for all your advice and opinions. It has all really helped. The meeting is after school today so I thought I'd bump the thread in case anyone has any more thoughts.

I feel quite nervous. Not scared of speaking up, just worried that I'll get emotional and angry - with that combination I always burst into tears!! Or stay silent which would be worse.

I'll report back this evening if I can.

Good luck!

Thanks! dh is coming home for the meeting, which I hope isn't too much of a problem as ds doesn't want him there. There seems to be a 'pomposity' gene in men that starts to expresses itself in middle age and it drives ds potty!! Me too for that matter!!

Morning WW, how did it go?

Afternoon caligula et. al.
Not sure where to start. I opened the door, not to the bloke that wrote the letter (he failed to turn up) but to 2 cops and was instantly so irritated that I let it show and continued to let it show desite my best intentions. However, that wasn't necessarily a bad thing as I got a lot of points across with some feeling, and they reassured me about a few things too.

Anyway, it was about "youths" allegedly drinking in my house. The 19 year old who was accused of buying lager for under-age said he was going to our house, which I suppose was true and I expect they were going to share a can or two. Not sure if they make a habit of that or not, all I can say is that they never get remotely tiddly. And the smell of lynx, hair gel and perfume is too grossly overwhelming to notice any smell of alcohol!!

It was actually ok, and I have to say ds handled it better than anyone. When I had a go at them about the letter ds (16 yrs) stopped me and said it wasn't important and let's stay on the subject!! He will go far. The letter apparently was a clumsy attempt at preparing me for the meeting rather than just turning up unannounced on the door step and they were rather bemused about my reaction to it. However whoever formulated the letter so badly had obviously been taken on holiday too often during term time , as no one was suggesting ds or his close circle of friends are responsible for any trouble or even noise or nuisance. They were worried that any drinking that I "allowed" would contribute to high spirits and noise. I said I had thought I was the doing everyone a service by letting them meet at my house when they obviously weren't welcome on the streets. They agreed that was good idea. I also assured them I didn't knowingly allow under-age drinking and wasn't going to, but neither was I going to frisk tham at the door. They nodded in agreement.

So that's about it really. I over-reacted as I hoped I wouldn't but sometime you have to a bit heated to be taken seriously. And I was able to air a few concerns about the attitude of residents that have been bugging me for years.

We have allowed ds to have the occasional beer for a while now. It seems to me to be the best way to get them to appreciate and respect alcohol. I know many mners may not agree with my approach, but they will probably respect my motives. I feared that otherwise he might turn into a binge drinker at 18.

Not sure what to do about them meeting here at the weekend now. Don't want to drive them out but don't want to police them too heavily either. They are safe here, well behaved and they can be as noisy as they like with their dj decks and music etc. We have a large house and can accomodate them, unlike most of his friends. Actually ds exhibited a maturity beyond his years at the meetimg so I think he will manage the situation well himself.

Phew, one hell of an essay, sorry and thanks for letting me let off steam!

Back to my normal nickname

Blimey - they sent police round for that? . Maybe they thought you were running a crack-den/gin-palace for disaffected local youth?

I think your attitude is entirely right, BTW and from what you've said it sounds like the police do too. In your position I wouldn't change a thing from your description of your DS it sounds like he has the maturity to maybe do some subtle "tweaking" of the group behaviour to the extent that that's necessary.

Am at the almost total lack of communication skills on the part of the various organisations who've been involved here, though - one story in the letter, a second on the phone and neither of them bearing more than a tangential relevance to what the police actually wanted to talk to you about.

Thanks for your support and kind words Leah. Makes me feel a bit better. I feared a bit more judgement on having a boozy son and being an inefectual mother! .

Yes, my impression is that the asb coordinator has very little power, just cosmetic value. I said I had been expecting him to be there in his capacity of liaison but they said words to the effect that they (police) were in charge. It sounds like they aren't making the best use of him. I am sure his role has more potential than they seem to realise.

It was good cop/bad cop too. The wpc was great, ds likes her, but the pc was the dubious one ds told me about. ds knows both of them and so wasn't at all phased by them. The wpc was great she spoke a lot of sense and listened. The pc spoke in cliches and cop-speak, and seemed determined to read too much (bad of course) into some things I said. e.g. I said something, can't remember what, and he said "So it is ok for a 13 year-old girl to be drunk and unconcious". Well that was a complete non-seguiteur, of course it isn't. A bit of a w**ker imo.

It's very difficult for any of these liaison people to operate if they don't get co-operation from the school/ police/ social worker/ whatever else it is on the ground.

All this "partnership" stuff is quite often a load of expensive shite, because quite often no-one at the top of each bit of the partnership is responsible for pushing it through. Joined up thinking only works if the people in charge get behind it.

I certainly got the impression that the asb-coordintaor was bit of an irrelevant appendage as far as they were concerned. If they aren't clear amongst themselves about his role how can they communicate it to joe public? Or maybe they are clear, resent him and are trying to elbow him out. Who knows?

Hang on a minute this was about "youths allegedly drinking alcohol in my house"???? Since when was that illegal?

If you look at this advice site it makes it clear that it is illegal to buy alcohol for someone uderage to drink in the street - but not for in a private home.

I think you - and espcially your son - deserve a medal for being so restrained and construcitve in your response to them.

FWIW - I think you are right to allow responsible drinking in your home - you are providing a safe environment and they are not "learning" to binge drink away from disapproving adults.

But then, I would agree with you, given that I am already an irresponsible parent who takes her child out of school in term time.