Daughter wants to "only" share bed with boyfriend

[PhyllisDoris]

My DD is 16, her boyfriend of 2 months is 17. She asked me last night if she could stay over at his house, in his bed and said they "wouldn't do anything". (both are virgins).

I have put off the conversation to a better time - she asked me very late last night.

I also noted to self that she hasnt asked for the BF to sleep over at our house.

AIBU to say No? What would other people say? I would at least prefer that they knew each other for longer before sharing a bed, even if "not doing anything"

Grateful for your comments.

I would say no at this point - they have only been seeing each other for a couple of months. I would probably agree if it was a long term thing.

If you say an out and out no she might not confide in you again and do it behind ur back.
Unless he's got a double bed, she's gonna be quite uncomfy. I would check his parents are aware too.
Otherwise she is legally able to make this decision herself, she just needs some support from you to make sure she is safe and ready

You say that they've been seeing eachother for 2 months. How long has she known him before that. Depending on the answer to that question, I might consider saying yes.

However, I don't get the concept of "not doing anything". Teenagers have hormones and I don't think it is realistic to say they aren't going to do anything, even if she actually believes what she is saying herself. I would make sure contraception and STD protection is in place and explain to her that sharing a bed will very likely lead to "things happening". I'm not suggesting he'll coerce her, I'm suggesting both of them will want to, and so they will.

as they are both over legal age of consent i think the decision to share a bed with him based on length of relationship is hers at 16 years old. i dont think you should have a say in how long is long enough for them to have known each other before their relationship progresses to new stages. it is their relationship so only they get to decide when they are ready to move things forward or not. of course as her mother you can tell her your feelings about it and that you feel she maybe should get to know him a bit better before getting closer, this will give her a gateway to talk to you about what she is feeling rather than you being someone she can't talk to because you are policing her relationship, she'll think you dont understand, especially if you say no flat out without talking through with her your reasons why. she is talking about an adult relationship so i think she should be able to talk with you about it and you with her if you want to keep the lines of communication open, which is so important at that age as you need her top be able to come to you if she ever needs to. i would loved if my mother had been able to talk through her concerns with me rather than laying down the law and leaving no room for me to know my own feelings with having restrictions placed on my relationship. i know i would have made quite different (better) decisions if i had felt free to make them rather than rebelling against her.

they have only been together 2 months i would say no tbh its a bit intimate IMO for a 2 month relationship , have a chat to her about it though but i would still say no after the chat ,

I would say "no" at this stage too- just had similar discussion with my DD. In my case it's easier as BF is not 16 yet so I have just used that as my trump card for now. But I did have a good chat with her on the lines of "i believe what you say that you do intend only to cuddle up and sleep,but actually what you don't yet understand is that things can get out of hand in that situation etc" We have already agreed that later in year we will go to clinic together and sort out contraception etc and she is very clear that at the moment they want to wait before they have sex.

I was sharing a bed with my boyfriend at 15. My mum would let him sleep over & NOTHING more than kissing & cuddling happened. My bf was 21 at the time. He stayed over a lot & never expected anything.

This was 23 years ago & we are now married with 2 dcs.

I dunno what my mum was thinking, but she always said that she would rather I was safe at home than messing around somewhere. I don't know if I would be accepting of that with my girls. But I do know that there comes a time when we have to start trusting our children to do what they say they will.

Ironically it was my sister who fell pregnant at 17 after being banned from her boyfriends house (and he banned from ours - because he cheated on my sister several times & bought some girl to our house while we were on holiday).

You have my sympathy. This stuff is so, so difficult and there are no right or wrong answers, as you see.

This is about more than them sleeping in a bed. Ultimately, this is about:

1. When she loses her virginity
2. How you perceive yourself as a Mum - where you sit on the spectrum that has "liberal/ permissive Mum" handing out condoms and the karma sutra and bringing them coffee in bed together in the morning at one end (but would her daughter prefer her Mum to "be a Mum") and "ridiculously out-of-touch/ strict/ Victorian Mum" at the other end (whose daughter will be doing what she was going to do anyway but, sadly, has to lie to her Mum about the reality of her life and so has no support or advice).

Of course, we all want to be somewhere in the middle with the best and most positive elements of both.

I think, realistically, that in most cases, there would probably be a very short - and swift - slippery slope from letting them sleep in the same bed to them having sex. Also, if you give your blessing to them sleeping together at his house, you may then be under pressure to let them sleep together at your house. If you won't let them do that, they may just always choose to hang out at his house and you may see less of them.

In fact there are lots of possible consequences.

If I was in your position I would do this:

1. Heap praise your daughter for staying close to you and telling you the truth about her life (vitally important)
2. Say that ideally, you really you don't want her to sleep in the same bed as her boyfriend for some time yet (slippery slope to sex/ his Mum might think she's a bit too free and easy and not a "nice" girl/ any other reasons you can dredge up and wheel out)
3. BUT... BECAUSE she has been so mature in talking things through with you, and you appreciate having such a wonderful daughter who confides in her mother (who loves her very much) - that trust works both ways and you are prepared to meet her half way and compromise. Propose that you both review the situation in another month. That's not to say that it will be a "yes" in a month's time, but you are prepared to look at it again then. A month doesn't sound too long. Hopefully she'll engage with this. Make a doctor's appointment for a month's time (you can always cancel it). Say to her that it's always a very sensible thing in life to give yourself time to let a decision settle within you (a "cool off period") before you take a big step.

The benefits to you are:

1.Your daughter will be encouraged to always keep close to you and trust you with the reality of her life, knowing that this is the way to gain your trust (and get what she wants) and you are able to advise, help, support her.

1. You shove the problem forward a month, by which time it might have sorted itself out. They might even have split up.
2. If, in a month, they're more in love than every and keen to go ahead then at least she's now "three months in a relationship" when she sleeps with him rather than "two months in a relationship"

You'd be stemming back the inevitable, really, but you may as well give it a try.

My advice to you, above, is a a variation of what I did with my DD. Here's my story:

My daughter was (a mature) 16 when she started going out with her first (completely lovely) boyfriend (18). Whenever they stayed over at each other's houses, the "guest" would sleep in the spare room. I used to give them plenty of space though and turn a blind eye to whatever went on after DH and I went to bed as long as they actually slept in separate beds.

My daughter, like yours, stayed close to me and told me what was going on between them and, about three months into the relationship, told me she felt she was ready to lost her virginity. We talked about every aspect and implication of this (what if you then split up, what if the contraception fails etc). I told her that I would prefer her to wait until she was 17 and had been going out with him for six months BUT... "BECAUSE she'd been so mature in talking things through with me.." etc etc etc. We agreed that she'd wait a month. Ultimately, though, I said that I had to acknowledge that it was her decision.

She did, in fact, decide to start having sex with him a month later - still aged 16 - four months into their relationship.

Eventually, it became a bit farcical that they had to sleep in separate beds (and let's face it, I can't police what goes on at his house - he's now 19) so when they'd been together for a year, I said that they can now sleep together provided that they are discrete and the rest of the family don't have it shoved in our faces.

They have now been together for 14 months, she'll be 18 soon, he treats her like a goddess and in our situation, everything has worked out well.

Good luck.

I'm going to dissagree with everyone and say 'let her', she's 16, surely its up to her if she is ready or not to share a bed with her bf? If you trust her then i don't see the problem.

balance's advice is excellent.

balancein - good advice

Right now I would say NO, but ask her to wait a little longer and in the meantime, talk about a docs appointment and contraception.

The best thing is that she is talking to you, let her know how great that is, you don't want all the details, you just want to know she is OK and that she can always turn to you.

I would defo make a doctors appointment for her and in the meantime get her to look up different types of contraceptive and speak to her about the fact that even though they are both virgins he needs to use a condom. I wouldn't upset her but you have to consider he may be unfaithful (or not a virgin) and you don't want STD's.

If it were me, and I had other younger siblings in the house to consider, I would make your own guidelines which you are comfortable with while she is living with you - so it is not expected for instance, 4 months down the line, that every Fri, Sat night they sleep together. The odd occasion fine, but that is a personal thing you need to find a balance for that suits everyone. You still want her to be part of your home life and family life and not a lodger at 16.

TBH when I wanted to sleep with my BF at 17 I went on the pill and I had to move out, which I did, and I was with him for 5 years because I then had no where else to live and I was stuck with a mortgage in a job I hated. I do think, we are so much more accommodating then previous generations. But maybe that;s a good thing.

im going to agree with marne and say let her, shes 16 its her choice..

All terrific advice, Thankyou everyone. Particularly balsncein2012 and punkbunny. I love Mumsnetters!

I think I'll suggest reviewing in one month, as suggested but am really pleased that she feels she can talk to me about these things. I could NEVER have discussed with my mother and will be sure to tell her that too.

phyllis im glad you are going to review it with her I Think its the length of the relationship people and you are a bit iffy about , 2 months does seem a short time and yes its nice they can come and speak to us about these things my own DD is a bit older than yours she stays at her BFs and has never lied where she is like i did at her age i slept over at friends houses when i was with my BF because my mum wouldve gone crazy about it

Phyllis I posted about this self same problem a few weeks ago and also got some sound advice:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/a1401154-Boyfriend-staying-overnight

My problem was not about the sex. I am fairly confidant that they are having sex now. My problem was that I didnt really want him regularly staying the night in our house or her in his house. For me, sleeping together feels like a huge step. For me the next step after that is moving in together and I felt that my DD was far too young for that.

I think the question of how this impacts other members of the house is also significant. We have younger children and I wasnt sure how DS(13) would take to DD's boyfriend brushing his teeth in the family bathroom the following morning.

I think balance and punk's advice is absolutely spot on.

What do you think of the boyfriend? Shes shown you trust and respect by asking you. If you dont show the same she might go behind ypur back. Maybe a talk on cotraception might be an idea too (just in case).

But trust and respect doesnt mean that Phyllis automatically has to say yes. It is also Phyllis's home, she doesnt have to accept a friend staying the night especially if this is a friend of just a couple of months. That is a big ask and would require a lot of trust on Phyllis's part.

Just wanted to add in that it may be worth talking to her about alcohol i.e. it's effects on decisions we've previously made about whether we want to have sex.

Also - a bit persnickety, but if someone is mature enough to have sex than they are mature enough to make and attend their own doctor's appointments about contraception.

I agree with AnaisB in principal - that if you're mature enough to have sex you're mature enough to make and attend your own doctor's appointments about contraception.

However, in practice, I have found that my girls' teenage years (they're almost 18 and almost 16) have been a real twilight zone.

They often feel grown up and independent, they very often want to BE grown up and independent but this is frequently sabotaged by pockets of real naivety, lack of confidence/ experience and general immaturity.

When my oldest daughter needed to have an appointment at the family planning clinic she was just so stressed and worried and embarrassed - she didn't know what to do with herself.

She asked me to come with her but then dithered and stressed about whether I was to wait in the car or come into the clinic with her... Dithered and stressed about whether I was to wait in the waiting room or come into the appointment with her... I'm often astonished that what is an ordinary and routine and straight-forward thing for us can be such an ordeal for a teenager.

Teenagers are such complex things - taking their first steps in the adult wold but still quite little in so many ways. I think it can be kind to offer to hand-hold a bit while they find their way.

I agree about appointments. DD wanted me to go with her but then on the day decided she would go alone. We had talked about it quite a lot.

Something else which DD and I talked about the other day was private or intimate photographs. This stemmed from us watching a TV programme about a young woman who had been harassed by her boyfriend.

As our teens make these steps into the adult world we need to help them make good choices. The world is so different certainly from when I grew up.

Yes teenmum I watched that on TV too and thought I might have a chat about that. That poor girl and her family.

Thankyou Mumsnetters. We had a long chat. I explained how I felt, and that I was really pleased she'd consulted me. Also that at 16 she doesn't exactly need my permission and that therefore I wasn't forbidding her, but said I hoped she'd take both my advice and feelings into account. Said that I thought bed sharing, with or without sex, is a big step so soon into a relationship, and talked about the effects of alcohol on decision making.
Suggested she wait a while and said we could have another chat in a few months time.
I'm pleased to say that she thought this was good advice, and has parked the idea for a while.

Too early in the relationship for this, and I would suspect the bf is wearing down her own judgement here by degrees. I think this boy is pushing for too much too fast and I would hope he will not be a keeper.

Glad she is sleeping on it. She may have asked you because she herself wasn't so sure about the speed at which things are progressing.

I am sorry I havent read it all but I would say no. Def not. Sex is not a recreational sport as some teenagers seem to think it is these days, nuff said. If they are not having sex then they dont need to be sleeping together. I have just heard about yet another pregnant 17yr old and I mourn for her and her boyfriend whomhave lost their youth.

DS has a friend who got pregnant at 17 and who now has a job in a fast food place instead of going off to college as all the other friends did. The bf who got her pregnant is, of course, in college.