I was so glad to stumble across this forum and read questions and answers from like-minded mothers that so closely describe my thoughts and feelings! Balance - your ideas and sharing of your experience with your own DD have given me faith in my own thoughts and decisions, and Phyllis, your question so closely mirrors what has recently been happening in our house it is uncanny.
My DD and her BF are only a very new 'couple' as such, they have only been dating for a month, however they have known each other for about 9 yrs. Their respective best friends are brother and sister so they have socialised regularly for years as friends of friends. We also live in a small community, so it is common for them to interact at family and community social events.
We have a close circle of family friends who all have children within the same type of age groups. We get together regularly, and all the kids get along famously, from the youngest who is presently 8, to the oldest ones who are 18 and 19. They have all known each other for years and are supremely comfortable with each other - both boys and girls. Until about 10 months ago, this was no different for my daughter and this boy. Something between them just seemed to click on a weekend camping trip and all of a sudden things were different. He is a lovely lovely boy, a bit shy but easygoing, gets along great with his parents and sister, fits in well with his friends, and quite frankly, is everything you could want for the first boy that your DD really likes as more than a friend. We know his parents well and I consider his Mum to be quite a good friend.
So why has it taken 10 months for them to become GF and BF? There is a slight problem with their age difference - my DD is turning 16 and he has just turned 19 two weeks ago. Yikes! We (and I mean both sets of parents here) have gone through the whole range of thoughts on the matter from 'OMG' to 'surely not' to 'not a chance' to 'they are not to see each other' to 'they can see each other in public at social events - but just as friends' to FINALLY 'they are allowed to date, with plenty of parental supervision and some general rules to be followed. After many discussions between the parents, as they both seemed determined to just wait it out, we felt we were probably just delaying the inevitable, and probably doing them more harm than good.
They are both great kids, mature and not at all inclined to make trouble for themselves or us as their parents. They remained staunchly determined during the last 10 months, however did not disobey any of the directives they were given (although I'm pretty sure there was quite a bit more facebook chatting than what you would consider 'just friends'!) I think they realised that if they were to have any chance to be allowed to date, they did not want to jeopardise it by trying to sneak around to see each other - not that they really could have anyway, not where we live, and we can account for our daughter's whereabouts for every hour of her day.
So they are now deliriously happy, able to see each other regularly and both very aware of how the must behave, given the age difference. Neither of them seem inclined at this stage to want to push their physical relationship too far too soon, for which I am very grateful and the BF has told us he has the utmost respect for her and us as her parents and does not want our good opinion of him to change.
He came for dinner last weekend and DD asked a few days before could he sleepover. I wasn't overly concerned about this, we have a spare room and I am comfortable having him in the house. It did occur to me after giving permission that I had not clarified the sleeping arrangements with her though. We are close and she has always been (and so far, thankfully still is) very open in talking to me about just about anything. We are pretty open in our house and it is not unusual for the whole family to be involved in in depth discussions about all sorts of topics. But I was strangely nervous about talking to her about this one. So I just gritted my teeth and asked her what she thought the sleeping arrangements would be. She said that she thought BF would sleep in the spare room, but could she sleep there too? I have no real doubts that they did only mean to just sleep, and snuggle and cuddle too, no doubt. But my first instinctive reaction was "Noooooooo way, not just yet" which considering I do trust them, is a bit hard to explain. I managed to swallow this panicked reaction though and explain to her that while I did trust their intentions, it can be very easy to get carried away and that I didn't think either of them was really ready for that, not to mention the legality factor of her present age. In the end I told her it was her decision, I didn't mind how long they stayed up for, but would prefer that they went to their own beds. I also explained that she would also have to make this decision again when she stayed at his house, and I am pretty sure his Mum would not be terribly happy about them being in the same room or bed either.
She thought about it for a while, and I am very pleased to say came to me a little while later and said that she would sleep in her own bed. Which when the time came, she did, and as I am a very light sleeper, I know that he stayed in his bed all night too!
I was very proud of her for this decision. I know she made the decision on her own, but then discussed it with the BF as well, which I am also glad that they can talk about things like this and neither of them feel pressured by the other into making decisons they are not comfortable with.
I know as time passes, if they stay together this topic will no doubt come up again, particularly as they become closer both physically and emotionally, however we will deal with that when the time comes. This teenage dating stuff is as big a learning curve for the parents as it is the teenagers I think! Keep up the good work Mums :)