drugs at boarding school

[janinamc]

Please can anyone advise with this? Am becoming increasingly concerned about drugs/alcohol/sex/bullying at son's new boarding school. When we speak to Housemaster and ask questions he tells other kids my son has "grassed" and he gets a hard time again. 3 boys have been temp suspended for drugs but are coming back bigger and more boastful than ever. I am so worried my son looks up to them (they have been allowed back as sports captains) and about the school's attitude. Since attending this school he constantly gets XXX rated texts from girls (they are all Y9). Suddenly all his FB friends have photos of alcohol and drug fuelled parties (all clearly at their homes). Our son has started lying to us about what is happening and being said at school.
Husband says to leave it because son happy there and to move him at this time not good for GCSEs. Says normal for early stage "joshing" but agrees housemaster out of order.
Is this normal when they move from independent boys' prep to co-ed senior? Am I being naive? Does everyone just accept they drink and party at such a young age? Is it unreasonable to expect to be told about the suspension by the school? These are boys with a lot of influence and power in my son's house.
Any advice would be appreciated as I don't feel I can talk to the school anymore.

I know someone who knows a co-ed boarding school very well from the inside and frankly it sounds like what you describe.

The housemasters know drugs, alcohol and the rest are all going on but do nothing about it. It is quite a well regarded school as well.

You are right to be concerned and I would move my DS if it was happening. Sounds like a toxic atmosphere with a lot of bullying too.

My dd is also yr 9 at an independent boarding school.

Yes, there are incidents similar to what you describe, but the difference is the school clamps down hard. What would bother me very much about your son's school is the Housemaster's attitude - has he really talked about your ds "grassing"? And the suspended boys should have lost their sports captaincies IMO.

I would disagree with your husband, if you genuinely feel you can't trust the school that is in loco parentis for your son for so much of the time, then now is the time to move him, it will be much harder from next year, but matters may have got a lot worse by then.

I don't think you're naive, a lot of them do try to drink and party at this age, it's the parents' (and by default, when boarding) the school's responsiblity to protect them. Can you speak to the Head, if the Housemaster has been so useless?

Op this is definitely not on! I have 16 DD in one co-ed boarding school and all drinking incidents treated very seriously- boys recently expelled for supplying to younger pupils who were also suspended. Drugs not tolerated at all- we had to consent to testing on suspicion- if proved you are expelled. Modest alcohol served to years 12-13 at socials but anyone caught over indulging banned for some time and it is noticed by HM. DS (13) in different co-ed school - no incidents like this amongst younger pupils, but again he reports senior pupils been in a lot of trouble for drinking too much. I think your DS schools' attitude is very poor- I would be complaining to higher level as I would maintain my son's safety was at risk.

"Husband says to leave it because son happy there "He doesn't sound very happy.
How can it be ok to abdicate responsibility for your child to such a place. I am .
I have 2 DSs at local rural comp, DS2 aged 13 is in year 9 and what you Someone once said to me that kids at posh private schools do more drugs because they have more money and the drug dealers target them.

Thank you for your replies and advice. Yes, I was thinking about asking to see the Head. My point exactly is that they are looking after our son in our absence and at home, we would not allow him, or his friends to behave in this way. I feel they almost have a culture of arrogance and bullish behaviour and have lost their grip.

And yes, he really did speak to other children (mainly lower 6th) about our son being a "grass". He wanted to find out who had put my son up to some loutish behaviour. Obviously, he would not say until he was threatened with all sorts. The Housemaster then went directly to these boys, punished them but told them he had "grassed them up". A few days later the boys "punished" my son, the housemaster witnessed the last part of their "punishment" and again, pressed him for an answer. He said , "No, because last time you then told which made it worse". One of the lower 6th overheard this conversation, so my son thinks it is all well now, "It is great, they leave me alone". But my concern is that I don't want my son ending up like those 6th formers, thinking it is okay to "opunish" and bully Y9.

Added to all the texts, FB stuff and now this drug suspension that we are not supposed to know about...I am really thinking we chose the wrong senior school.

i think this sounds absolutely appalling. i feel v v sorry for your poor ds. he is being bullied by other boys and by those in a position of acting as his carers given that you ave delegated his day to day care to the school. i think the drinking / drugs / sexual behaviour is not the real or most pressing problem actually but rather that those issues being badly or not dealt with by the school are symptomatic of an uncaring and irresponsible organisation. This is not a culture of respect. I would definitely be considering removal now before it is too late. do you want ds to have these older boys as his role model? to have a "parent" who calls him names and fails to care for him??
what is the schools stated policy about drugs? are they following it? am surprised in this day and age that using drugs at school merits only temporary suspension. Do you feel this is what you "signed up for" when you chose this school?

Thank you and no, I don't feel this is what we signed up to at all. Like most boarding schools they trumpeted their random drugs testing/zero tolerance policy which we agreed to and discussed with our son, you know, the need to have this sort of policy in place and keep them all safe when everyone lives/works/breathes together and to reassure parents. I have checked their policies again today and find this was amended in November last year, but I had no information about this. The new policy states they can, under mitigating circumstances allow a child back.
I just think that as a parent I would have been reassured to be kept in the loop and doing everything within their powers (ie drug testing) to try and keep this under control. It is hard when you have limited contact with the school as well (due to our distance) and also I find no-one ever around at exeat or end of terms!! Again, very different to his prep where practically all the staff were there at such times to grab and chat to. But I do hear this is the norm at senior schools from other parents and that you barely get to see staff. I hate it.

But thank you again everyone for your replies. I have felt very alone over this as all my friends have younger children and family have no experience of the boarding school system. Thank you.

Sorry just re read my post and I obviously forgot to preview.
I have no advice as the school you describe sounds like a different planet to the one my DCs go to.
I just can't believe that
a) you didn't just get in the car and bring your child home and
b) you actually pay money for him to go to such a place.

Get him out and name and shame the school. It doesn't matter whether this sort of behaviour goes on in other schools or not. It shouldn't happen at all in an environment where teaching staff are in loco parentis.

I wonder if it's the school I'm thinking of.

My 3 older DC are at a co-ed boarding school and theirs is nothing like this (thank fuck). Certainly in Years 11 and up there have been several parties, but all drinking, not drugs. I think the odd one or two of my older 2 DC's (they're lower and upper vi now) friends smoke a bit of weed, but they're day kids, and it's not at the BHs.

Personally, I'd take him out. It's not on that he's being treated like this and regardless of whether he's happy there or not, I struggle to see that being happy alone is a good enough reason to keep him there with these things going on.

Yes, Aunting, there are a couple of schools that have reputations for such behaviour. And I do wonder if the staff there turn a blind eye somewhat.

Well my DC have quite a lot of friends at one rather well known one, and I'm fairly sure that they do. Knowing the parents of most of these friends I have to say I am not particularly surprised at their not particularly bothered stance on this either.

These are kids that I have known since Reception (and nursery in a couple of cases) and tbh could see it then.

I have a DS in Year 9 at a state comprehensive and am totally at your description of what is going on at your DS's school. It wouldn't really be a problem to move him in Year 9 as far as GCSE's are concerned as they haven't even chosen their subjects or started the courses yet.

If drink, drugs and XXX rated texting are the norm at 13/14, what on earth are they going to be getting up to at 16? The attitude of the Housemaster is very worrying.

i understand you say you feel very alone with all this op but i really think you must trust your instincts on something as serious as this. it sounds like a risky and lonely situation for your boy and something could go horribly wrong for him in such an uncaring and unboundaried environment. what does his father really think? you know this isnt right and that you dont have faith in this school which doesnt even seem very bothered about making sure new parents have every access to channels of communication about their son so that they can work in partnership in his best interests. it sounds crap. i wouldn't leave my ds13 there knowing what you know, i really wouldnt. there must be a better alternative.

The lack of communication is not the norm at my dc's Senior school, I email their housemaster and mistress all the time, and the matrons and tutors too. If there is not someone very much in evidence at exeat collection/return time, it doesn't take long to track someone down. There is no problem making appointments, whether with house staff or Head or Deputy head. Or head of Year. This is standard for any decent school, whether state or independent.

I would seriously rethink this particular school for your ds, it sounds terrible.

Thanks Chuzzlewit- I agree. I was so shocked to never see anyone there and it feels weird always to just drop him off and no-one know he is back. We tried to make an appointment before Xmas- DH was fuming as Housemaster didn't turn up, Deputy HM went to look for him and never came back. The Housemaster did call later that pm. We were told we would get regular e mails from his tutors but nothing. Whenever I do contact them I am made to feel SUCH a pain...so of course we end up doing nothing.

Oldqueenie I agree about instincts. I must explain to all though that it is a more complicated situation as DH is in the services- hence DS being at boarding school - we move at least every 2 years (often sooner). I have contacted the CEA (they co-ordinate the subsidy of DS's fees) and they say if we pull him out we lose any further right to claim. I would HAPPILY let my DS go to a local comp but we move so often that we can never get places- the only ones ever left tend to be at a school no-one else wants to go to. I am at this very moment having to appeal to get my DD into the primary school on our prospective new doorstep. We are due to move in March and have no option to stay here but no idea yet where she will go to school if our appeal is unsuccessful.

I have contacted local comps where we are due to move and none have any places- only the ones that are really bad. And of course, we would be due to move again 2014. DH very reluctant to move him as this happened to him prior to options and he feels it affected him badly and does not want to do this to DS.

I am trying to persuade DH (who is as always,away) to manage to get back and at the very least, talk to the Housemaster about the whole drugs/suspension thing. I have been stressing to him that this is maybe the time in life that our DS needs our guidance more than ever and sod exam results.

And yes, everyone, this is a "top" school and we do pay a lot of money. The fees get subsidised by the service grant but we top them up by £3000 per term (excluding extras, trips etc!). I just don't think it is the right school for DS and they are not "working in partnership" with us. I also agree with the comments- he is 14 and although he "loves" the school I already hate its elitist & boorish attitudes and KICK myself for not seeing through the veneer earlier..
Thank you everyone- it is a very lonely life sometimes being a service wife. As said, have great friends but all younger children, plus, they have their own daily dramas and mine kind of seem our own stupid fault.

janinamc I sit on appeals panels and I think any panel would look favourably on your circumstances (unless it's an infant class size appeal when their hands are tied). In secondary schools it's quite common for a family to succeed at appeal if they have moved to the area, even when the school is "full".
This may be a naive question, but if your DH is always away why do you have to move? Aren't you allowed to stay in one place particularly for the children's stability?

jan don't just accept what CEA says. You can change schools for a good reason and this would seem like a good reason. You often have to go to appeal. They obviously say this just try to stop families changing for no particular reason eg moving school to be nearer the new posting. I am not sure which service your DH is but if it is army do contact the AFF education rep as she can point you in the right direction. Good luck no school should be run like this.

You poor thing, that does sound very lonely and complicated.

It sounds mad that you lose the subsidy if you take him out - can you fight that one? It's just crazy.

It must be exhausting having to deal with all this on your own, but I really would not just accept this situation with your ds's school. It sounds very similar to the senior school of the prep my dc went to - endemic bullying, poor teaching, slack discipline etc all coming down from a terrible headmaster. They are both much happier in the much firmer discipline of the school they're at now, even though they both "loved" it at the old one (well they would, wouldn't they - it was a doss!) and didn't want to leave.

I think a lot of people assume that if they're paying for a school, it's automatically good. It ain't so!

Jan I agree with goinggetstough. As a forces child myself (albeit a few years ago now), one of my brothers had problems at his first boarding school and was removed and sent to one that was much more suited to his needs (he is chronically dyslexic) and there were no issues with the CEA at that time.

I know this was a while ago (he's late 30s now), but have just spoken to my Mum and she doubts that they would refuse it for your reasons.

Now is the time to move him, as after the end of Year 9 I think it does affect their studies far more. I have children in Years 10, 12 and 13 now, but we were considering moving DS (Y10 now) at the end of last year for a while. We won't be considering it again until 6th form.

Good luck, and stand your ground, I have everything crossed for you that you can reach a positive conclusion for you all.

Thank you all again for the support. To answer a few Qs, we have tried living in our own house and DH moves- was perfect until DD came along and he missed whole 1st year of her life on tour & exercises. So we rent out our house and DS goes to boarding school (his request as he hated moving around, making new friends all the time). So far it has been ok (well, I still cry and miss him!) but yes, I often think WTF am I doing this to spend so much time alone AND career constantly messed up. Eg; twice we have had postings changed at last minute and I have already been replaced at work- then have ended up sat alone and jobless!! I do try to stay very positive especially on the "patch" here, as said before people have their own worries and you don't want to spread doom and gloom.
CEA rules are very tight these days, which I do understand in economic/political climate. On the face of it it seems as if service families get free private education, but in our circumstances I don't see any alternative apart from to live apart again from DH. New rules ensure you do move with your DH, which is only fair but not great for the DD at primary!! We (I!) are going to speak to CEA again.
I have to smile (sense of humour essential for service life!) to complicate matters further have just actually had communication from school this pm l about DS- he has apparently had loads of detentions for being late/inconsistent work etc. Talk about a) great timing DS and b) nice to know! Son is, in all truths a very lazy (but totally loveable) bright boy which is another reason he goes to boarding school- teachers get to know him and how he works.

Back to schools in the new place- spoke again today to senior schools (2) and they are adamant no point in applying- "We have no forces children here and we already have a long waiting list". The infant school I am really keeping my fingers Xd as we have been told in no uncertain terms I must move end March latest as I "lose right to retain MQ" then. Hubby is away at mo and I have retained MQ to avoid a 7 month move, then move again. On top of it all we have to wait until 20th April to find out if DD has a place at the junior school!! GOD I wish DH had been on the redundancy list- 20 plus years of this I am SOOOOOO fed up! Crap housing, crap schools, crap pay, crap job prospects- why do we do it??????
Sorry- I am ranting now!! Thank you again all, you have no idea how helpful you have all been (thanks)

desperate to know the school involved

janinamc- are there a lot of forces children at this school , sounds as if the head is resting on his laurels knowing the fees are guaranteed from forces families who can't move their children!

No ggirl- very few service children. Um, can't really say too much as I would not want to be offensive/upset anyone, but has very different groupings to my son's prep shall we say. Again, I hadn't really thought of what the families were like before he went as I am very much a "take people as you find them" sort and expect same in return. Was honest about DS and his limitations as well as qualities. He had to pass CE etc to get in.
An early example when he started that made my hair stand on end was when DS told me they couldn't all have their new blah-blah kit as childX's mum had called to say she couldn't afford it...and the teacher had told then the rest of the kids this in a really derogatory way. I nearly died!! I said to DS, "Well good for her and if I had known it was going to be so expensive I would have said so too" (as it was something I think the school should provide) and I told him outright I did not care for that attitude towards people. But I thought, "Ooh, don't like that at all- kids shouldn't be privy to that". I think the main intake is exceedingly wealthy...but was at prep too so not just a money thing.
So all these little things added to the drugs thing now my instinct is it is not the right place for DS.

Hi, I am a ex forces mum (DH left 1 year ago). My DC is currently at a boarding school in year 10 - so I understand all about the constant moving, boarding school allowances, rules etc. You have my sympathy.

Looking at your problem from the outside in, may I suggest that your main problem is the drugs issue and that if you got this resolved then you might feel that he could stay at the present school (which you said he enjoys)

Trying to decide if he should move and where is obviously full of difficulty and uncertainty. If you deal with the current school and get the current problems sorted - then you could think about a move in slower time.

Drugs and alcohol at school is a complete No. It may be that you have to become one of those mothers that are ringing and complaining all the time - so be it. There's plenty of those around.

I have always found the schools Parents Association very helpful - and a mother making a fuss about drugs may not enhance the schools reputation and should make them sit up and take notice.

If your DH is too busy, there's not reason why you can't give them grief, and even if you live a distance away, there's still phone and email. Get hold of mothers in your DS year and house, and ring them up and ask for their views.

You are paying for an education, the school MUST deal with this. This also applies to his recent detentions. This is where their skills lie. If they don't feel that this is their job - then its definately the wrong school and you can name and shame.

Good luck with all the practical changes and hope that transferring is an option at least. Just wanted to echo what earlier posters have said, from my experience at coed boarding school and friends who teach in them now, this is shocking.

If it is a culture in the particular house or across the whole school, I wouldn't be optimistic about getting it sorted particularly quickly but there are many other schools who would take a completely different approach.

I think moderate, controlled alcohol to Y12 & Y13 is normal (eg HsM pizza / beer evening in his house with the Y13 once in a while, or a bottle of cider per table with the Christmas dinner and usually there is a managed 6th fm club), drugs are zero tolerance and supply of alcohol or drugs to other kids absolute crackdown.

The lack of discretion from the HsM appals me too. It would make me worried about all sorts of other things, eg when my grandfather died while I was at school, it was handled really well so that I heard it from my Mum but they made sure my friend stayed back to be with me afterwards etc. I would have no confidence for any personal or sensitive issues in this house from what you've said here.