drugs at boarding school

[janinamc]

Please can anyone advise with this? Am becoming increasingly concerned about drugs/alcohol/sex/bullying at son's new boarding school. When we speak to Housemaster and ask questions he tells other kids my son has "grassed" and he gets a hard time again. 3 boys have been temp suspended for drugs but are coming back bigger and more boastful than ever. I am so worried my son looks up to them (they have been allowed back as sports captains) and about the school's attitude. Since attending this school he constantly gets XXX rated texts from girls (they are all Y9). Suddenly all his FB friends have photos of alcohol and drug fuelled parties (all clearly at their homes). Our son has started lying to us about what is happening and being said at school.
Husband says to leave it because son happy there and to move him at this time not good for GCSEs. Says normal for early stage "joshing" but agrees housemaster out of order.
Is this normal when they move from independent boys' prep to co-ed senior? Am I being naive? Does everyone just accept they drink and party at such a young age? Is it unreasonable to expect to be told about the suspension by the school? These are boys with a lot of influence and power in my son's house.
Any advice would be appreciated as I don't feel I can talk to the school anymore.

Jan you MUST speak to the school about this. It is completely unacceptable for the pastoral care of this school to permit excessive alcohol and the use of drugs. You have so much on your plate already, but this is a big one. If your DS is exposed to this, and the XXX texting and FBing, and the drunken house parties, he will become part of it too.

Sadly my DSS is at a "posh" boarding school and I'm hearing the EXACT same thing. I think it's appalling, and given the amount of money you are having to pay to top up the fees you absolutely have the right to demand better care for your DS.

Don't take this the wrong way, but grow a pair of balls (big ones.... :) ) and pick up the phone and ask to speak to the Headmaster. Then tell him that if Social Services knew there was access to drugs and alcohol by a young teenager in a private home they would be involved in an instant. Tell him you disapprove of the Housemaster's approach. Tell him it's just not good enough and you expect more from the school and then ask him what he's going to do about it.

You can do it. Don't leave it to DH - heaven knows when he's going to be around to help you with it. You're not happy. Tell the school. You want answers. Good luck.

jan it is true that the CEA rules have been tightened up and in most cases rightly so IMO. However, I would assume they would like to hear about the poor pastoral care at your DS's boarding school as they could cross it off their list of schools. I agree not a great time for your DS to get detentions etc but that does not change the fact that the pastoral care would appear to be awful and putting your son in potential danger. Do remember that the ladies who you initially speak to at SCEA on the phone are not the ones that make the decisions. Some of them are very helpful, but I have been given the wrong information on a couple of occasions. When you go back to SCEA I would suggest you write to them and get all your facts down in a letter and go from there. Good luck and I hope you can get it sorted soon.

Is your son there right now....?

Mine wouldn't be.

I think you are right to talk to the headmaster, but mostly to gauge whether the culture you are experiencing is endemic across the school or whether it is one rogue housemaster who is behaving badly. And, if the latter, whether anything is going to be done about it.

Unfortunately the culture you describe sounds very like a school I went to which condoned bullying and sexual assault. Not all public schools are like this, so it would be good to change if you could. Otherwise you will have a lot of work to do in supporting your son to deal with this environment.

I disagree with an earlier poster that the drugs are the problem. It sounds to me like the attitude of the staff towards bullying is the thing to focus on.

Good luck with your conversations.

Please can I just say this is my first time on Mumsnet (if you hadn't already guessed) and I only wish I had found you all years ago!! I am usually the one supporting others on the patch and was at my wits end the other day. Civvy friends have all thought for years I am bonkers to live this life, parents elderly & ill so don't want to worry them. You have all helped me think clearly and rationally.
Qs were put in an e mail to HsM (as CEA say we need to start recording in case of planning future move). I told DH we could not carry on like this worried to ever speak to school in case DS gets bullied. It is perfectly normal to ask Qs of a school, especially when DS boards and vice versa- is supposed to be partnership. E mail states very clearly that this is not to be discussed with DS or anyone else, so we shall now see what happens.
School reply about the drugs and suspension was guarded and refers to other matters that are under investigation. Again, DH reads it differently to me and thinks they have responded fairly enough. Asks that if our DS has more info he must come forwards... Letter says about need to be open/avoid gossip etc but then says he has probably given too much away and asks us not to talk about this with any other parents. ???? Refers to our impending move and how stressful this must be and thinks DS is offered greater stability at their school.
DS home this weekend and I will chat to him again.
DH home next weekend and we have appts to see school/teachers etc before half term. I am usually happy to speak to schools etc and well, like all service partners do pretty much everything on my own but, I don't know, again, it could be me but this school has made me feel dreadful. I need to chinny-up and be more pushy. Don't you sometimes hate being on your own though and having to do all this? Some people have a knack of making you feel like a neurotic mother hence the support here has been great. I am not crazy to think this is not okay!!
I truly would like to resolve this with school but again my instincts tell me they have big problems here.
Thank you, thank again for the advice and support.

janinamac I believe there are quite a few forces partners on MN, in fact I think they have a topic page though I've never visited it. In my experience the majority of MNers have younger children but there are plenty with older children who are ready to pass on their experience. You might also find it useful to look or post in secondary education.

Jan - well done in getting that email off to the HsM. You might consider copying all email correspondence to HsM to the HM as well. Just in case. It sounds as though they ARE looking into the problem areas, but the request for more info, to be open and avoid gossip is a bit odd. I'm sure your DS does have greater stability at their school, but the key thing is to make sure he gets a decent education and doesn't have easy access to alcohol and drugs! This takes precedence over "stability", so the school needs to make sure they get their response right - preferably an open acknowledgement that there is/has been a problem and that it is now being dealt with and not tolerated.

I would also want the HsM to explain his response to your DS. Perhaps he could tell you how that was supposed to make things better, and specifically which part of that response did he want your DS to learn from?

It sounds as though you've grown what I suggested, and you're getting stuck in. Good for you. Sometimes you just need reassurance that you're on the right track, and that you can do it. And you can. Don't forget - it's the squeaky wheel that gets the oil!

Janinamc this does sound complicated and awful, the boarding school my DSS goes to has had drug problems in the past, nothing for a while, do complain, complain as loudly as you can. Get hold of a copy of the schools drugs policy if you haven't already done so, and the complaints procedure, I'm just looking over ours now... Have you tried the Independent Schools Inspectorate?

A move during GCSE year would be a bad thing unless his work is suffering?

Our complaints procedure is letter to the school master/head then from there its passed to the governors. If the complaint is that your complaint isn't dealt with then go over the school to the ISI. I'd try complaining again using the schools particular guidelines with a formal letter of complaint but if this is how you have complained in the past and nothing has been done then its time to go over their heads. It sounds like the main issue you have is the incompetent headmaster. Is he really making out that your son is a grass to other boys, or is this what your son says when you complain to the school? If he is,and he and the governors are refusing to tackle the problem then hopefully we will be hearing of a school master job being available in the coming months!

The school DSS goes to got a run through the papers a few years ago for the drug culture it was apparently letting run riot. Now and then we hear of an exclusion. I sympathise over the Facebook pictures of parties, DSS has similar, we were much the same as teenagers though and are trying to let him make his own way, however terrifying, thankfully he is very involved in sports which SHOULD help him keep a healthy life balance, my jaw dropped to see that the people excluded came back and took/retained roles as sports captains. Those coaches aren't doing their job either!

Hope you sort this, you and son deserve better.

Janinamc, you MUST contact the SCEA and tell them about the bullying and the drugd/alcohol and they can get the school dropped from the list of approved schools.

The rules have changed for applying for CEA at sixth form, but I saw nothing in the DINS that suggested one couldn't move school and still claim if the school was unsuitable for the child. Your dh needs to flag this with his chain of command. Given that schools close for various reasons, and Forces kids get to go to new schools, still with CEA, then it isn't impossible for you to move him. Bullying and drugs aren't acceptable in HM Forces; so SCEA should not be accepting that a child has to deal with this, on their dime.

found my mum logged on to this, had to comment.
remember what you were like at your age - i bet you had some fun?!
he is behaving like a normal teenager, we are all like it. it's normal. don't be so boring! live a little!
^(friend of daughter) wow, you guys gossip about us SO much!! explain drugs are bad, but the more you get angry the more he'll rebel.

sincerely, sitting down with a nice brew

I don't think this is normal at all in a boarding school. I would be pulling him out if I were in your shoes.

How has half term gone with your son? Have you had time to discuss things with him and your husband.

I have a 13yo DD at BS through the Forces CEA as well. I called them this week for some information and they told me to call the CEA Governance Team in Gloucester, who were really helpful at answering my questions with instant answers and facts. I too was phoning about "early" withdrawal from BS more so for our youngest (11yo).

I know a lady on our current base who recently pulled her son out of BS in year 9 and put him in our local comp. They have now decided because of his GCSEs when their next posting comes through they will do married unaccompanied. I am not sure of the exact reasons why they pulled him out but I think it was down to bullying but also because of the schools lack of ability or willingness to deal with it. She said it was all a total nightmare and really awful and stressful but they got the SMO to see their son when he came home for half term and he backed up their request to pull him out of BS on grounds of his mental health. SMO had to write a letter to the CEA or somone like that and they (the parents) had to provide a diary of information and record of what had gone on and how it had effected their son. They did pull him out before Xmas and without having to pay back any fees.

From what I read on here I am wondering whether it is the same school. All I know is that this school was somewhere up north.

Good luck OP. I hope you can manage to sort this. It is so hard to parent from a distance when they are at BS. I am about to post a thread for advice re my DD. I also know and understand how bloody weary you can get from having to deal with all of the crap like this on your own when DH is away. Thats exactly how I am feeling atm.

Good luck and OP and please post back letting us know how your son is and how you get on.