son doing bare minimum for A levels - told he will fail if he doesn't work harder - he doesn't seem to care

[bargainmad]

My son did the bare minimum for his GCSEs also but scraped through to get enough to do A levels. Trying to get him to revise was like starting world war III but I persevered.

I have laid off a bit since he started sixth form college in September and as a consequence he never opens his bag. He has done very little homework at home and says he is doing it a college.

He started off doing 4 A levels,Eng lang & lit, sociology,media studies and law.

He dropped media studies after a month and then dropped law as it was too difficult. He is now doing BTEC law instead so compared to others he is not overburdened with work.

It was parents evening last night and his teachers said he is very bright but coasts along which is the same old story we have had over the years.

His sociology teacher said he won't get anywhere (university or employment) with 2 Ds (or even Es) as there will be more competition than ever next year so he really needs to get a work ethic.

I was absolutely fuming when I got home after work this evening and asked him what he was going to do when he failed his A levels. He just told me to stop hassling him and that he was working.

I don't feel like giving him any pocket money any more until I see proof that he is at least doing some college work even if just Monday - Thursday.

And then he's asking about festivals - I can' see me funding this with him doing extremely little at college.

I know teenage boys are very lazy but it drives me mental - am I being unfair to stop the pocket money?

I have warned him that our financial obligations to him will end next June when he is 18 and he had better prepare himself.

so what's the plan for him? Is he expecting you to feed, clothe and provide cash for ever? Is he ever planning to move out?

not unreasonable not to have a total life career plan, but he needs to have an idea for getting from where he is (dependent child) to where he needs to be (independent self-funding adult), over the next few years. Might be work, might be college; whatever it is, it is time to think about it.

he is wasting his education which really does give me the rage. Cut off all non-essentials and that includes festival tickets.

he'll thank you when he's older; but if this goes on you'll be stuck with him for good!

Hi I'm a first time user. My soon to be 15 year old son says he wants to earn lots of money...has test on Tuesday..has read thru subject notes a few times but when I ask him some Questions on his notes he is only able to remember a little. He only wants to spend time on Xbox and his tv....school says he is capable but he thinks an occasional 1/2 hour is enough. He doesn't have photographic memory and averages around 50 per cent in tests. I've had years of battles about studying but doesn't seem to sink in. Feel my control over x box time Tv etc is diminishing as he gets older as he shuts himself away in his room. Any tips?

Has anyone who left posts such a long time ago survived? I'm right in the middle of it....

I feel your pain, I have a 16yr old of whom I regularly check for a pulse. I am very strick with his phone, laptop (he turns it in every night before bed at 10). Personally I would take the x-box away when he was out. I refuse to allow my son to have a television in his room (probably just because I was never allowed) for the very reason you state - the more they shut themselves away the more uncommunicative they become. My husband struggles with making him sit in the lounge if he wants to be on his laptop (of any evening) but I force the issue or he looses the laptop.
Move the x-box to the lounge...take the cable only returning it once the required studying is done.
I really do sympathise with you

It still amazes me how everyone thinks you must have a levels or go to uni to have any sort of job or future.

Yes a levels and uni can leverage you to certain careers however my sibling went to uni and they finished with brilliant grades and is doing the exact same job as they were before.

I had really good gcse results however refused to go to uni or college to do a levels. Parents were fine with that as I went straight into full Time work.

A lot of old school friends are currently at uni studying something which they free they will probably never use in the future.

I however am sat here at the age of nearly 21 in mine and my OH first home(21) 3/4 bed house, both in steady careers, both drive and own separate cars and have nice holidays abroad and festivals etc.(although we aren't the party type of 20 something year old we'd prefer to watch football or go for a meal, boring I know!)

I really think life skills should be taught in schools such as budgeting and finance and mortgages. Maybe kids would see sense at a younger age and work hard through school and uni if that's the career they choose to do through it, but I have to say the majority of people I know that are at uni are there to party and have sex.

I'm literally astonished that parents don't make them pay rent. As soon as I had left secondary school at 16 I had to pay some form of rent and when I was full time in a shitty pretty much minimum wage job I still paid £250 a month rent!

Good point Wonderer. That's all I want for my dd at the end of the day. To be settled, have a job, home and be happy. I'm not expecting her to have some high flying career. Its not what she wants, just an ordinary job she says.
She was a nightmare through GCSE's. Did virtually no work but came out with a good set of results. She could have got all A's if she'd tried however.
I just don't see the point of her opting to do A levels when all she wants to do is go out all the time. Its such a waste of everyone's time and that's why I can't stop nagging her. I should step back and let her get on with it. But I can't .

Hi raving. I was the same as your daughter actually. I got on with my work in school time however never did any homework etc. I had quite a photographic memory so came out with mostly As and Bs with very little effort. Awful of me I know!

Have you sat down and asked whether she does what to do a levels? Or an nvq if something that interests her? Apprenticeship? Or go straight to full time Education?

Explain if she fails a levels and doesn't want to retake it will be pointless for all involved so explain she needs to do something that will interest her.

At the end of a day if you love your job or even like or tolerate it and in the end get a decent wage for what you're doing and what suits your lifestyle then you are winning. So in your daughters case going out, probably buying clothes and make up and paying rent to you(when she starts working)?

Also when you do sit her down ask where she sees herself in the future without pressuring her. Would she like to go travelling or would she want to buy a car or buy a house? Go to uni? Pursue a high end career? Explain how she can get to this goal and the options which could help her do this.

All my friends got bought their cars and driving lessons etc whereas I knew my mum couldn't really afford it although she did contribute to lessons. So that's why I got a job and saved for that and then the next thing I wanted. Explaining to your daughter about budgeting will benefit her greatly and probably increase her motivation to work or study hard for Something

Trust me, I wish my mum sat down and asked what I wanted to do and advised me how to get there but as she has no clue about uni and stuff she never did. I found it all out for myself and made the decision I just wanted.to work and gain experience and buy a car and then a house and have nice holidays and eventually start a family in a few more years.

Full time employment ** sorry!

Perhaps if these unwilling students realised that future employers will look at GCSE and AS level results ahead of university qualifications, then it might shift their attitudes.
DS, who's doing very well, always regretted not doing more work at that level as it's meant he's had to really work hard to get where he is, simply because employers want to see consistent results from the start. So, even if you get a first class degree/Masters, it's those exams that they look at.

Ah OP, all these stories take me back to when me and DS used to clash , I dreaded weekends, constant conflict it seemed. He too was intelligent but coasted along. It really annoyed me because his sister struggled hard to pass exams (recently diagnosed with dyslexia at uni).

I found that picking my battles when saying "no" and sticking to it come hell or high water eventually worked (bloody awful weekends though).

One day, expecting another bout of "challenging behaviour" when I put my foot down about something, DS did not argue "there's no point Mum, you won't change your mind about this" .

Things got a bit easier after that and after I'd (yet again) pointed out the "no child of mine will be claiming benefits while living in my house, pull your finger out and decide what you want to do with the rest of your life" rant, DS decided to move to a big city to live in a flat share with mates.

In order to do this he applied to a local college to do a HNC and found evening/weekend work to fund himself. It was a lifechanging decision. We were worried at first (he was 17) but...

...fast forward four years he's now in the final year of an apprenticeship with the City Council, coming up for 21, passed driving test recently, shares a flat with friends, has a lovely big bedroom with kingsize four poster bed , 60" flat screen telly and latest X Box, fast food takeaways round the corner (hardly needs to cook) Sky telly, Netlflix, etc.

At home here he has a wee box room, single (uncomfortable) bed, there's one small fat telly in the lounge with hardly any channels, boring healthy food in cupboards courtesy of mum . No wonder he never wants to come home!

I think that with many young men, they just need a goal to aim for. Until my DS knew what he wanted, he was aimless and unfocused.

Suddenly that changed and WOW, he just did what he had to do to get the lifestyle he wanted. He's very happy and has carved out a great life for himself.

Z O M B I E

It was totally her choice to do A levels. I would have been happy for her to do something vocational that could lead to a job but apparently the local college that does these things is for losers! She enjoys her subjects but I've told her she can't just coast along like in GCSE's. No point in sitting her down to talk. I've tried and she just won't. Tells me to leave her alone and that she knows what she is doing. We've had one too many rows about this . She likes her 6th form as its huge and there are loads of new people (boys) there!

There is no way she wants to go to uni. I would be over the moon as it would get her out of my hair - only joking. All she wants is to move out, get a car etc. But I don't think she realises its not that easy. I certainly am not going to fund anything either.

I am the only one getting wound up about it though. She isn't bothered and DH says just leave her to it.

If you've tried and tried I would say leave her to it. Can she possibly get a part time job if you say you're not going to give her pocket money? Or possibly make her Di multiple chores to earn pocket money? She'll soon want more when she's of drinking age I'm sure! That way she will soon learn to budget and realise how hard you Do have to work for money and that things cost more than she thinks

At the moment she would rather be out with her friends with no money than doing a job and not be there and missing out. Although she can lie on her bed for 5 hours on a weekend when she could be out earning. She is very lazy. And she only gets £5 to spend at the weekend but I would give her more if she helped out at home.

Its a lost cause I think

Another one suffering so badly here, so worn out with the contracts and bribery that I'm not even capable of writing this f-g post

hormonal heap
I know what you mean I joined mums net after reading the reassuring posts above (reassuring as its not just you alone but others are about to have a stroke from stress of the same issues) then j just couldn't face writing a post

However I'm going to try again-
Due to the stork only finding our house once we decided we would, at the age of 3 put our son into a lovely little private school and there he has stayed. He is now 16 and 2 months into A-levels. Before anyone judges us I work full time which us next to impossible when state school is in 9-1515 and found staying home isolating as all my family are Canada therefore it was the right decision for us.

Our son is not spoiled and while firm we are fair. The X-box came on the scene when we was 12, hardly uses it too busy out on his bike. He doesn't have an iPad but does have a 2nd hand iPhone. There has never been a television in his bedroom and his bookcase is over flowing with books he's read, until recently I would get regular requests for more. We have always taken the laptop and phone from him at 10pm to prevent all night social media, movies etc.

He is very involved in sports training in the pool 3 times a week, water polo matches on the weekend. He has held two weekend lifeguarding jobs down since March. He plays England waterpolo for his age group and has always wanted to play at university while studying to be a teacher.

He gets no spending money and hasn't done since he started his lifeguarding. (He bought his own festival tickets this summer as I feel compelled to continue the theme)

Until now

GCSE's were less than desireable but not a complete disaster, especially for one who didn't study. He was predicted some a's and ended up with b's, c's and d's. The school he attends have done everything but hold his hand since he started his A-levels to support, mentor and encourage him without success. He doesn't pass homework in, "forgets" to arrived for a prearranged meeting with a teacher, is late for class etc...

He dropped history to "concentrate on 3full a-levels" instead of the 4th distracting him from the subjects he really likes...
Then his half term report arrives.

B, EEEE, U. (Each subject Marked for work done within and out of class)

I know I am his mother but honestly he is a handsome, tall good looking kid, bright (never a rocket scientist) athletic and likeable (especially to females it seems)

However
He doesn't apply himself to anything
He has the motivation of a hooked rug
He does no studying
He only seems to be interested in parties, Facebook and fun times.
He appears to have no direction whatsoever
And he now says his future goal is to work at a pool and in retail. Nothing wrong with retail but this is coming from a boy I have to bribe into town to buy clothes. He's lazy and it's a cop out.

Currently he is on half term for two weeks. We have told him he's not returning to that school we are not paying one more red cent for a child who does not appreciate the opportunity he's been given. I think he should take a year out, go get a job at top shop and work his lifeguarding for a year (paying rent) and start again in September after which he hopefully realises what a mistake he's made. He of course doesn't want to leave his friends or start somewhere new however there is only so many times you can warn them before you have to follow through.

His father and I are disappointed, frustrated and upset. I worry about what will become of him all the time

*Canuck44" I understand your frustration. Dd is also only interested in her social life. I just don't know what to do. I have emailed her tutor to have a word with her but tbh I don't have much hope.

I would suggest that she gets an apprentice instead of wasting her time doing A levels but I know her response. She will say she is not working her backside off with long hours for only £3 or something an hour.

She also has no TV in her room but has the dreaded iPhone. We used to take it off her at night when she was at school but now she has it permanently. It would be world war 3 if we tried taking it now. I have thought about cancelling her contract many times but I am saving that until totally necessary. Dd has no ambition whatsoever career wise. Just wants a job with the least amount of work for lots of money. Don't we all!

I don't have anything to suggest but know that our kids are not the only ones. I Am trying to just go with the flow and not be so consumed by it all but failing miserably.

"Raving looney"
I cancelled his phone contract 2 weeks ago and while he can still access wfi it's convient that I can change the password or remove the cable denying access all hours. Currently I have his phone as last weekend his father told him he had 30mins to pack his stuff or turn it over. 5mins later we had the phone.

I have tried all the bargaining, bribery, deal making, contract signing you can imagine. Nothing makes a difference so the phone was cancelled - I can reassure you the earth kept turning. My son can get a new contract when he's happy to pay for it, if your daughter needs money for a phone she might feel differently about working.

I have decided having a teenager is like being in a dysfunctional relationship - you know they're no good for you, you know you should break up with them and just when you decide enough is enough they do something, the good in them appears making you fall in love with them all over again

I wonder what it is in these boys' lives that sets them apart and has taken their drive. Have we made life too easy for them?

In my son's case, gaming addiction has taken over every part of his life, replacing relationships and any other interest. Whereas he always used to enjoy gaming, he worked reasonably hard and had other hobbies. Over the last 3 years it's been a steady decline as he has found the games more addictive. He breaks promises and If we take them away he simply refuses to work at all and becomes violent. It's scary. I'll definitely be pulling him from his school (if they don't chuck him out first).

I'm afraid there's nothing more to be done, he simply has to learn the hard way!
You can take the horse to water...
Yes, it is frustrating and maddening, and you will feel responsible for him, but hopefully he will find his own way when he fails his A levels. The shock of reality will hit him, and he will finally get it.
I've seen this happen with a family friend. He is now in final year Med.school, and a very capable student.

Mine has started doing weed, apparently it's rife. He is so capable, but can't be bothered, barely revised for GCSE, now doing A levels, which are a massive step up, and I think it's a matter of time before he's kicked out. And in the process, as with HH's son, he's dropped every other extra curricular activity.

If I could pull him out of school and get him working, I could cope with that - he'd get back to education when he's ready. He needs time to grow up. But I just checked gov. website and it says they must be in an apprenticeship, full-time or part-time training until 18, and I simply don't know how to get round this. Going to school after half term, and see what options are. If he's kicked out of school, I'll be throwing the router in my bag on the way to work - and switching off the mobile phone contract - nothing to lose.

Indiana50
My son has also been caught with weed and your right it is rife. Reading your post is like looking at a discripton of my son. We have been to the college this week and they have a vocation / training program where they prepare them for employment and then send them out on work placements - I think that's the road we are looking to go down - give him a year to grow up then start fr wash again in sept.

You can tell them and tell them until you're blue in the face. If they don't care, you can't make them. I've tried, I've forced, I've guided, I've stepped back. Mine still just does not give a sh*t.
I've had to accept that my hopes & dreams for her, aren't her hopes & dreams.

It's hard.