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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

son doing bare minimum for A levels - told he will fail if he doesn't work harder - he doesn't seem to care

99 replies

bargainmad · 26/01/2012 19:30

My son did the bare minimum for his GCSEs also but scraped through to get enough to do A levels. Trying to get him to revise was like starting world war III but I persevered.

I have laid off a bit since he started sixth form college in September and as a consequence he never opens his bag. He has done very little homework at home and says he is doing it a college.

He started off doing 4 A levels,Eng lang & lit, sociology,media studies and law.

He dropped media studies after a month and then dropped law as it was too difficult. He is now doing BTEC law instead so compared to others he is not overburdened with work.

It was parents evening last night and his teachers said he is very bright but coasts along which is the same old story we have had over the years.

His sociology teacher said he won't get anywhere (university or employment) with 2 Ds (or even Es) as there will be more competition than ever next year so he really needs to get a work ethic.

I was absolutely fuming when I got home after work this evening and asked him what he was going to do when he failed his A levels. He just told me to stop hassling him and that he was working.

I don't feel like giving him any pocket money any more until I see proof that he is at least doing some college work even if just Monday - Thursday.

And then he's asking about festivals - I can' see me funding this with him doing extremely little at college.

I know teenage boys are very lazy but it drives me mental - am I being unfair to stop the pocket money?

I have warned him that our financial obligations to him will end next June when he is 18 and he had better prepare himself.

OP posts:
MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 08/02/2012 18:48

AnyFucker - Have you read Get out of My Life but first take me and Kevin into town (or something like that)? It is really good about those sort of arguments.

mycatsaysach · 08/02/2012 18:48

i HATE the arguments as i just don't have the energy for them so i started holding up a hand with a firm NO - NON NEGOTIABLE.they just think they can out argue you and wear you down (which they usually do).arrrrrrrrgh.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2012 18:49

Yeah, I've read it Smile

She has read it

We both know what traps we are falling into...but we do it anyway

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 08/02/2012 18:51

AF Grin But you both sign up to it, agree the terms in advance. She will have some things that she wants to put in that you might have to live with, it's essential you allow her to do that. iIf she's signed up to it, had an input and AGREED it, it makes her look completely unreasonable if she breaks it. No arguments.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2012 18:51

my dd knows she can't wear me down, nor win an argument

but it diverts and wastes time

so we have the time wasting down to a fine art

2 minutes tops, with the occasional wea moment from me when she catches me unawares and I come round and realise I am justifying why her younger brother got a door key at an earlier age than she did

gah

AnyFucker · 08/02/2012 18:52

weak

AnyFucker · 08/02/2012 18:53

MrsJ, I can pay you a living wage to come and live in my house until June

................................................................

^^ sign on the dotted line

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 08/02/2012 18:57

You could try being honest and saying the arguments make you feel sad, worn out, worried and cross and you want to end that cycle. Has she got any suggestions how you can improve things, would a written contract help?

I would never check their actual homework. I can't micro-manage to that degree but I can create an atmosphere conducsve to study for a few hours a week.

The other thing that works really well midway through those sort of arguments is excusing yourself and going out or going to phone a friend and talking about something completely different. I love it when they hovver, feeling like a total tit.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2012 18:59

sign above, MrsJ

AnyFucker · 08/02/2012 18:59

you know it makes sense

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 08/02/2012 19:03

Why did he get a doorkey at a younger age?

btw I'm far too worn out. I dream about a neutral pallette and tinkly adult laughter wafting through the house and then boom I'm back in the room, remembering I have 4 children and the youngest is only 4. [crying]

AnyFucker · 08/02/2012 19:08

don't you fucking start, MrsJ !

mycatsaysach · 08/02/2012 19:15

oi break it up you two

AnyFucker · 08/02/2012 19:20

I forgot the Grin on my last post

Not serious, honestly

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 08/02/2012 20:38

AF Grin

AnyFucker · 08/02/2012 21:03

ok

French revision finito

what will be will be

can I have Wine now ?

sheldee123 · 15/02/2012 08:28

Sounds like my son we have nagged shouted etc. but this is the biggest bugbear between us. Doesn't stay out late nor drink or smoke because he's always up to play sport at least 3 times a week. He has his offers he got the offer he wanted for the uni he wanted he had a very good personal statement which I think got him through. Though apart from his girlfriend he doesn't really see anyone out of school but in school he's popular . If he's watching a tv program it'll be oh after this ! He put everything off he's very lazy and unmotivated my husband has taken home away for a couple of days to watch football for his 18 th he didn't organise himself to do anything for his birthday with his friends and my husband wanted to go to the footie so he took him. Although he's lovely to live with he is always here and it's driving me nuts! You need a crow bar to get him out of the house! He told my daughter and I off for interfering yesterday cos hr wanted to stay here and cook for his girlfriend go out for f sake anyway went out didn't hear from him and now he's away fab. I'm happy to take him to the uni open day but apart from that sort yourself out have been driving myself mad and my husband and I arguing for the last ten years! It's up to him!

bargainmad · 23/02/2012 20:44

I was just thinking, if I have to "force", or bribe my son to do homework/revision for his A levels to improve HIS future, when he basically doesn't care, will ANY of it sink in? Surely kids have to have a a positive mental attitude and want to succeed for any of it to sink in?

I am slowly coming to the conclusion that he will have to fail everything for him to realise what he is thowing away. I am losing all motivation to "encourage" him anymore - it is draining. When I was 16 I was completely left to my own devices - it didn't concern my mum whether I got a job in Greggs or became a doctor - it was my business and my life!!

The current economic climate is a great cause for concern as I don't think he will have any chance of getting a job. I suggested voluntary work for just a few hours a week to have something to add to his CV and his answer was "I don't think I am the sort of person who would like to work for free" and also "I would rather use that time to look for a part time job" - his attitude absolutely stinks. I printed off some CVs for him 6 months ago and he has done nothing with them

When will he get a grip - maybe it seems like years away to him until he is 18?? It is next July. There are 3 libraries nearby - he will have to take his pick which one he goes to each day,.

OP posts:
mumthetaxidriver · 03/03/2015 17:56

Hello i know this is an old thread but if the OP is still around I'd be really interested to know what the outcome was? Our oldest DS sounds pretty much the same with regards to AS work -trying to let him make his own mistakes. Wondering whether to stop nagging - if he fails and needs to start the year again it might give him some motivation.

poppymoon · 03/03/2015 19:03

i've just found this thread too. currently going through the battle of gsce revision (and completing crappily rushed coursework). parents evening a week ago was pretty wearing. 'he's so bright and lovely but so lazy'. the A targets are rumbling at C's and D's at the moment.

CrazyHorse · 03/03/2015 19:19

Oh, it's an old thread? Yes, I'd love to hear what the DS is doing now.

I have a 16yo who with a similar attitude, and I very much doubt it will change once he's doing A'levels.

It's nice, in a way, to know I'm not the only one tearing my hair out.

HesNotAMessiah · 04/03/2015 10:17

Interesting to know at what age did you start setting the expectation with your kids that they do well at school?

Did you wait until their first significant exams or were you pushy parents from say 11?

I mean pushy nicely.

There has been some research which suggests the reasons behind the success of better performing schools, state and private, is as much down to the expectation that the pupils feel from parents and teachers from a young age. That's what drives the pupils to self study.

It's too late to start at 16 and sometimes the only thing that works is to allow them to fail. Sadly.

At that age though it's hit and miss whether they are mature enough to understand what failure means.....

lljkk · 04/03/2015 17:57

I wonder how that research explains (they have had the very same parents & teachers):
DC1: lazy toe rag, I will certainly let him fail if he insists
DC2: works her arse off, compelled to do her best
DC3: emotional basketcase
DC4: dim but blimey I never met a harder worker

Z O M B I E....

CrazyHorse · 04/03/2015 18:35

Ha! I've always expected DS to be top, or very near the top of the class, which he usually has been. This has had no impact what so ever on his attitude though- he couldn't care less. Maybe I should have expected him to be exceeding his peers by years. Grin

comedancing · 08/03/2015 17:03

Does your ds know what he would like to do..l find with boys they don't see the point if they don't know what it's for. In lreland so system a bit different but coming up to ds final year he did nothing... Then all his friends started talking about what college they were going to etc...l stepped back completely... And he suddenly took off....he has ability... I said lm here if you need me...he began to plague me but l didn't mind..l heard him out stuff until l could have done it myself..and he got his first option and is happy there now. Step back. Also there were certain colleges my ds would not have liked..not cool enough..l would say..don't worry you are sure to get a place in xxxxx and he would say no way lm not going there... So reverse psychology!!! Save your breath as they don't listen..just detach and see what happens