DS, 14, has just quit football - sound silly but I'm so worried!

[chaos4kids]

My Ds has lived, breathed and played football since he was 5. He plays for a local team and recently seems to have lost confidence in his ability and often has a 'can't be bothered' attitude on the pitch.

This morning he has been up to the training ground and handed his kit in. Although we have often discussed him quitting football before its always been because he's thinking about trying something different. This time he doesn't seem interested in anything else except his bmx and the bike park.

I am devastated, as i always wanted my sons to play sports throughout their teens to stop the boredom setting in. I have tried to gently persuade him to continue or try a new sport but feel that i can't force him. My DH has always shared football as an interest with him but is now frustrated at his lack of interest.

Anyone been here before and has any advice to offer? I've told him we will not accept 'hanging around' all the time as an activity and I've suggested putting extra effort into school work (which he would massively benefit from at the mo!) but unsuprisingly that did not go down well.

Am I overreacting to be so worried about the situation?

Any advice would be sooo appreciated.

Hello chaos4. Ds1 is 12 and now football is the only hobby he has. I would be really upset if he gave it up, he too has been playing since 5. Recently he has started to show signs of being less interested than he was, and I am wondering what will happen.

no advice I'm afraid but I totally understand how you feel.

I thought bmx was a sport. He isn't hanging around, he is doing something active. I can't really see what the problem is. My dd has tried and given up a whole heap of activities over the years. He may well get back into football after a bit of a break from it.

My son is quite shy and reserved and i think playing a team sport helps him with that, plus a feeling of belonging.

Thanks for your replies.

Bmxing is a sport but he is up the park with his mates and no adult supervision whereas his football is a more structured and totally supervised sport where they are taught/ trained IYSWIM.

My DD is only 1yr so I've yet to cross that bridge but a lot of people I've spoken to over the years (I work in a secondary school, so i mean teachers/ youth workers etc) feel that it is especially important for boys to be involved with a sport throughout their teens. i know some boys are not sporty and may have other interests which is great, but my Ds has always been sporty. Just hoping he will miss it and return to it.

Like I've said. I am a long way from a teenage girl yet, but I have three boys and the 14 year old is my oldest so every experience is a new one.

i find parenting a teen quite scary as a lot of it seems to be about letting them start to make their own decisions - just hope I get better at it!

I am still trying to get it right with DS1, encouraging him to be a bit more independent etc. Opened him a bank account yesterday with a debit card which seemed very grown up.

DS1 has football training every night except Wednesday (he plays for 2 clubs-his choice) and matches Saturday and Sunday. There would be a huge hole to fill if he woke up one morning and jacked it in.

Thats exactly it, Sparkling. I worry about how he will fill this gap.

I have told him to try and think of something else he would like to have a go at but have made it clear that the time he was spending at football cannot be replaced by time with his mates entirely as he sees plenty of them anyway.

Football has always been a godsend as he was always busy at weekends with it. A lot of his friends who don't play a sport spend a lot more time hanging around.

Do you think team sports are the only way of stopping boredom and fitting in socially? Could it be that he has got to an age where he needs to explore other ways of doing this? If he does bmx and goes to the bike park it sounds as if he is actually doing something, not just what you and your dh happen to value.

fwiw I think there can be benefits in "just hanging around" (as long, obviously, as it is not a cover word for using drugs or whatever). Sometimes young people need to take time out to learn to manage their own time rather than having it organised for them by others. Developmentally, it is a time when socialising, and taking charge of your own socialising, is enormously important.

I think you should back off a bit. In the long run, he will be the one to decide what is important for him as an adult. You can demand that he puts in some work at school because that is, in a sense, his job, but you cannot demand that he should fit his leisure activities around your ideas of what is worthwhile.

Imo the ideal balance for a teen would be to spend some time in organised activities supervised by adults and some time non-supervised. Tbh I would be a bit worried about a teen who never had the responsibility of filling his own time. Even my db who spent his teen years preparing for a life as a concert violinist (never came off) also had plenty of unsupervised leisure time.

Maybe he's only done footie for the last few years because he was doing it for you and your dh rather than himself - and he's mow old enough to think that he's not really enjoying it.

Let him have a break - if he goes back to it it will be because he wants to.

Find out all sorts of other things going on - now might be a good time to get trial lessons for everything from rugby to martial arts to parkour to painting to guitar and say that you want him to try one new thing a week this term and see what happens...

I did stuff when I was little (piano, ballet and tennis spring immediately to mind) because my mum had done them or still did and enjoyed them so assumed I would too. I didn't and being able to stop was great. There were other things I would have loved to have done that I never did get the opportunity to because they never occurred to mum or because she wasn't into them she thought they were silly or a waste of time. But we are different people and like different things - not surprising we would have different interests!

I don't know about you Chaos4 but DS1 would not get out of bed on an icy morning to go and play footy to please DH and I.

DS1 spent the whole summer holidays at the park hanging about, which usually meant playing football.

Thanks Cory that does make some sense.

I am well aware he is getting an age where I have to back off sometimes but its bloody hard!

I guess he did have a good balance of supervised activities and managing his own time, I just worry that he will now have too much time to manage - in the summer the whole family is out and about more so its easier to get him involved but unfortunately we just don't hold the same appeal as his mates!

And I really don't value football above other activities - but he's always been football mad (personally can't stand standing on the sidelines of a freezing pitch). Its just been such a huge part of his life for so long.

There is an upside Chaos4. I am only at home now because DS2's match is cancelled due to frozen pitch. I would not miss the freezing/shouting on the sidelines.

At 14 he may well jsut be fed up with a hobby he's had for so long. I don't think a break is really that unreasonable.

What about encouraging him towards cadets/Duke of Edinburgh award/scouting if you want him to have more structure? At 14 that's possibly what he's trying to avoid though, so D of E might have more appeal as it's structured but not structured in a way.

chaos4kids Sat 14-Jan-12 12:42:51

"And I really don't value football above other activities - but he's always been football mad (personally can't stand standing on the sidelines of a freezing pitch). Its just been such a huge part of his life for so long."

I do know what you mean; it is very unsettling when they seem to undergo a sudden personality change. But it's all part of that massive process of finding yourself.

I am sure my mum felt very unsettled when I gave up music. But though it had been a massive part of my life until my mid-teens it honestly hasn't left a gap since. She has felt I have changed very much as a person and no doubt that is true, but I have become somebody who feels more like Me in the process.

My son 13, gave up his footie this week too, I'm sad about it as he still adores it, but realizes he will never be that good, so has stopped training. OP understand just how you feel.

Just to verify, we have never pressured him into football - can't see the point in making him to do something he doesn't want to. Its always been his choice. And when he's wanted to stop - thats his choice. I advise him to think carefully about his decisions though. It wouldn't matter if this was tennis / reading/ chess or ballet TBH. Its the participation that we value.

My worries are more about the fact that he may not want to find anything else to get stuck into. And yes I'd rather he was BMXing than a lot of other stuff. But its not quite the same as something thats supervised.

Am appreciating this feedback though. Trying v hard to be rational about this - it may be positive change - we will have to see!

I know lots of kids who have been involved intensively in sport or other activities and they quit in early teens. I think it's a little rebellion.
It's so much harder to influence or persuade them at this age. I'd do exactly as you have done and encourage him to try new stuff.
Maybe something different at school? My DS2 has just discovered badminton at an after school club after never being interested in any sport before.

I did nothing supervised after school from the age of 13/14 onwards. I have grown into a fairly well adjusted sensible adult- though admittedly not one who is keen on organised activities. I would say Mumsnetting is pretty much my only vice. And though I made few friends at school, I made enough to make up for it at university.

It depends on the child whether you think they need supervised activities to keep out of trouble. My parents' take on it was that I already spent so many of my waking day being organised by other people at school that it wouldn't do me any harm to spend some time organising myself; they trusted me to stay out of trouble. In my case they were probably right.

Otoh I am making efforts to get 11 yo ds to join something as I feel he would benefit- so I can see where you are coming from. It's all about individuals, isn't it?

I was a very sporty child and did after school sports (various teams) etc every night after school and every weekend. I gave up everything at around 13/14, I didn't really know why at the time (my parents begged me to carry on with swimming particulartly) but looking back I guess it was a yearning for independence/striking out on my own.

After all when you think about it at that age they aren't far from being adults yet they are told what to do at home and at school, they do need to to do something where they are in contol and calling the shots IFKWIM. The BMX park is "real free time", although I can see why you are worried!

Both my DC are heavily into their gymnastics / football, but are only 12 1/2 and nearly 11, so watching this thread with interest!

Like you I wouldn't mind if they wanted a change of interests (they have chosen and are self-motivated to do their clubs), but would worry a bit if they didn't have anything else much that they wanted to do.

Does he do any after-school or lunchtime sports clubs? Is his school the kind that encourages sports? Did he have any close friends in his footy team?

He is at that age when he is exploring other avenues and bmx is obviously suiting him more atm. My ds is really into skating and at 17 is still doing that a lot but all other 'hobbies' bit the dust at about 14 and the skate park became his second home. I think you have to take a step back from the organised activities at some point and it doesn't get any easier no matter how old they are but it is good to give them the freedom to choose and they do often come back to certain things

Very interesting reading different opinions. Have calmed down a lot since this morning - he's mentioned quitting lots of times before but actually handing his kit back seemed very final. But he can always go back if he changes his mind.

Bigtillymint - he stopped footie and rugby at school nearly a year ago now. There are some huge, quite overpowering boys on the school teams who rule the roost and I know of a few other boys who won't play the school clubs because of these boys - they are of course, really good players so the school never seems keen to dicipline these boys, which really pisses me off. His school has an amazing reputation - parents fighting to get their kids in but I am unimpressed so far. The really bright/ talented ones get all the opportunities and the average level kids seem to be forgotten about.

Have tried to encourage something different at school but until now he's not been fussed - and football was keeping him busy so never pushed too hard.

He has got a couple of close friends on his footie team, but hangs about with a couple of them outside of footie so he won't miss them much.

I just guess the teenage rollercoaster has begun and we need to go with the flow. Its a pretty scary ride at times though.

Sounds like DS1's school Chaos4. The bright ones and the struggling ones get help and if you are average it's sink or swim.

6 months til he is 13, I am apprehensive about the teenage years to say the least.

Hi there; I understand how you feel. My son quit football this time last year and I had very mixed feelings. He was with a professional club and on one level I was worried that he was throwing away a massive opportunity, and also how would he fill the massive hole that it would leave as he obviously had to train several times a week. I worried how he would fill his time but wasn't particularly worried about the 'hanging around' thing as I do think teenagers need to do this, they don't always want to be doing supervised activities (if at all!).

A year on, I now wonder how we coped with all the footy and I really love the Sunday lie-ins as does he! He is now doing his GCSEs and he really needs all the down time he has. He does plenty of sport at school and plays the occasional match still. Maybe your son just grew out of footy? It comes as a shock after they have dedicated so many years to it but lets face it, just because they loved it at primary age, doesn't mean they stay that way. Football gets so much more physical and not all lads are cut out for it as they get older. Maybe your son just stopped enjoying it the same, the fun goes out of it as they get older, and for my son, it became more like a job than a hobby but I can only see that now further down the line.

Your son will find his own hobbies again in time I'm sure.xx

That's a lovely post to read Mollers. Very reassuring for someone who has all this to come.