DD 16 and Bf 15- does this seem fair or have I been too generous??

[schoolchauffeur]

DD16 has first boyfriend 15. They met at the same boarding school and have been a couple for 4 months now. He visited a couple of times over holidays and due to distance stayed over twice. DD has always been very sensible/trustworthy and not much into boys until this one came along. We liked him very much, he treats DD really well and seems much older than his 15 years- will be 16 late summer. DD assumed ( correctly!) that sleeping arrangements would be him in spare room. We allowed them some privacy - rules were they had to be in their own rooms by 11.30 ( so we could go to bed!) and that they were free to spend time in each other's rooms during the day but that they needed to be dressed and that I should be able to knock and walk in without having to hang around outside- infact they left the door open most of the time and spent a lot of time downstairs anyway cuddled up on sofa watching films. It seems like a lovely relationship - sounds soppy but character and interests wise they are the perfect match and I think it could have the making of something longer term. Both clever, work focused, ambitious slightly quirky teens- don't like parties, alcohol etc. Both close to their families and enjoy family outings- happy to come to cinema with us etc.

Due to exams/school commitments etc it is now unlikely he will visit again until the summer. I have told DD that these rules will stay in place until bf is 16 ( end of summer) but that if they are still together in the October break I would still offer him spare room, but that provided they are discreet and that we have visited clinic to get pill/implant I am happy for them to sleep in whichever room they choose. ( discretion needed due to younger DS). I discussed this with a friend of mine who thought I was nuts and said that not before 18. My point is that when they are at school they are not allowed any physical contact ( other than the odd cuddle and snog at end of disco and would be expelled/suspended if found together doing anything more) and that when both aged 16,wanting a physical relationship ( even if not a full sexual one) is completely normal. My friend said that they should just "go somewhere else"- my point is like where? We live in a rural area, his family live 100 miles away ( and have much younger siblings so could fully understand that this would not happen at his house) - are they really supposed to wait 2 years before being able to do anything other than have the odd snog? Doesn't seem realistic to me and am worried that may encourage them to take a risk at school.

Have also made the point that if this relationship ends- any new relationship would have to be 6 months old ( and both over 16) before I would allow same thing again. DD says they have talked about sex but don't think it is right until bf is 16. I made the point that just because they are old enough they don't have to do it and she said that it would have been nice if they could have snuggled up together and gone to sleep together. I agreed with her but explained that these things have a habit of getting out of hand- not that I didn't trust them but that it is not a question of trust but more of what will be inevitable. It was a great conversation and we had a lot of laughs so I am hoping I have paved the way for her to be open with me about what is happening.

So my question is- have I done the right thing? Total novice when it comes to teen relationships ( since my own of course when my mothers oh so helpful advice when I left for uni at 18 was "be careful"- no idea about what she never said....) so any advice from the experts here gratefully received.

I think that sounds reasonable, especially since you seem to have a good open relationship with your DD & can discuss things fully. If they can't snuggle or more in the safety of your hone when they're old enough, they will do it somewhere else.

I think you still have to factor in the risk of unplanned pregnancy, no contraception is 100% foolproof, even the most sensible of teen forgets to take the pill, or is late taking it. For that reason I've expected both of my children to be over the age of 18 before they shared a bedroom with my consent. The use of condoms as well as the pill/implant should also be thought about to protect themselves and each other.

It sounds like you've got total control over the situation and that you and your dd have calmly and sensibly discussed it which is great. I only wish that my mum had done the same with me (my m&d were 'mortified' when I asked to go on the pill at 16, and have told me so since)

All sounds perfectly reasonable to me and I'll probably do the same when my dd is that age.

I'm not an expert - but when my dad forbade me to have a BF I was a bit of a tart (not sex, but not far off) at the age of 15 and lurked in many interesting areas to get "at it", however when I turned 16 and was allowed and I could stay at BF and he at mine, I was so much more relaxed and didn't sneak around etc and completely chilled out.
FWIW I think you sound fab and are being reasonable, and it's better that you're open and honest and your daughter won't need to sneak off for the pill.

No advice, but you sound fab!

Thanks to all for the helpful and positive comments- especially Hellhasnofury- some food for thought there. My Mum was so crap at this ( poor relationship with her own mum who walked out on my mum's dad 2 weeks before my mum got married. I can now seeyears later that this meant she had no "mother role model" to follow)- just couldn't bring herself to discuss anything like this with me. I was 20 before I had sex ( lost a lovely bf when I was 17 because I just couldn't deal with physical side of things- needed someone to talk to and there was no-one)- vowed that if I had a teenage daughter I would not be the same. I get on great with my mum now btw. I was just worried that in trying to be better than my mum was,I had gone too far the other way! This has all happened over Christmas holidays and it has been preying on my mind so it has been good to get some feedback on MN. My first thread too - so thanks again everyone!

wow schoolchauffer I am having exactly this sort of thing happening in my life at the moment except that it's my son who is the 15 yr old old and his gf is the 16 yr old.
I haven't exactly had the conversation yet, just been skirting around it, I just don't know how to bring it up without me being the bad guy as I really don't think they should be doing anything until he is 16 end of the summer.
Especially as her mother (in a tipsy night) has asked be to make sure 'nothing happens' between them while they're at my house !
You sound sooo together.

As they can get married with your permission when he turns 16 I think it's right to treat them as the adults they are and will be, although secretly I'd hope my dd would wait longer than 16
Open communication is the best way forward and it sounds as if you've done a great job there.
Have confidence

You sound eminently reasonable. I have had the same attitude to my DD's so far only two boyfriends. The first I had doubts about but made him welcome (if you don't, the pair of them go elsewhere and you have no idea what's going on, so I do not agree with your friend). He turned out to be a slothful and chauvinistic cheat and she was well rid. He never stayed overnight in her room here but she stayed in his bed on a number of occasions. We had visited the doc to get the pill. She now has an extremely nice bf - same school (day), interests in common, large group of friends. She stays over in his room, he sometimes stays here. I would far rather she was on the pill, having sex in a bed rather than doing it in the open air or in a car - that would be just

I think it's reasonable, and the fact that you are able to talk about it with her openly is great. She sounds very responsible and mature, and it's good that she knows she can talk (and have a giggle) with her mum.

My DD1 is 15 and has had a couple of boyfriends, none of whom have been significant enough to reach this point. We haven't had an overnight stay. I think when the time comes and a serious one comes along, I may copy your example! When DD1 has had boyfriends over in the past in the day/evening, I've also gone with the 'I'll knock once and then I'm coming in' rule, but like your DD often the door was open anyway.

I entirely agree that if you force them apart it might mean that they take more risks at school.

Just a quick question - in regards to contraception, I'd suggest something along the lines of the injection maybe - it's far less 'forgettable' and it's more discrete if she is at boarding school. I remember being on a school trip at that sort of age and one girl being on the pill - we never established whether she was even having sex, but a lot of assumptions were jumped to. Just food for thought.

You sound really sensible and eminently reasonable. Pill vs implant is something you can discuss with your DD closer to the time, I think - she sounds sensible enough to come to her own decision on that. But when you do talk about it, do emphasise it is REALLY REALLY important that she takes the pill properly, it's not something to take chances with. The only time I would force firmly encourage my DD to have an implant over the pill was if I suspected she wanted to "accidentally on purpose" get pregnant.

Have you spoken to the boyfriend's parents at all? ds2 is 10 months younger than his gf - they are now 16 and 17.5 and I would've been fairly horrified at a lack of involvement in plans about his forthcomng sex life!

Fortunately I get on really well with gf's mother and ds2 is very open with me too - but I wouldn't have been happy at the assumption that it's all about the girl.

hmmm what happened with your son then fortyplus as I think mine isjust that too immature and not ready for this yet.

Yes you've done the right thing

It's all about the girl because with teo kids that age, std is a low risk. Pregnancy is a higher one, and the girl bears the brunt of that.

I think you're being perfectly reasonable. I have had exactly the same with my two older DDs, who are now 17 and 18 and did pretty much the same as you are/have been doing.

When DD1 was 17 she asked her Dad (ex-husband) whether she could stay at her boyfriend's house and he launched into a speech about this and that, blah blah you're only 17. At which point she 'gently' reminded him that he was actually sleeping with her mother (me) at 17 and perhaps he might like to explain the difference! He had no answer and she was allowed!

I wish you were my mum

I think I worried more about my son getting his girlfriend pregnant at that age than I did about DD getting pregnant. I knew DD did not want pregnancy at that age and I knew she was taking every precaution possible. With DS I knew he didn't want to become a dad but I didn't trust his ex enough to not get pregnant by telling him he didn't need condoms as she was on the pill.

Aww, you sound like a lovely mum and far more sensible than my own who banned overnight stays but was happy to let us spend time alone in either of our houses during the day in the holidays yes, mother, horny teenagers definitely only want to have sex at night and in bed

mamas12 well funnily enough ds2 and gf were in his bedroom one day and he appeared downstairs in his dressing gown So a day or 2 later I had a little chat with him - bear in mind he was 15 at the time and gf 16. He assured me they weren't having sex yet and said it was mainly because his gf didn't want to be a paedophile!

that's (big grin)
Yep he changed clothng while they were in his room too!
I don't think they are doing a lot because I accidentally (!) keep letting the dog upstairs and he crashes the door open everytime. BUT
how do you start that conversation or should I as a friend has suggested put it onto my ex to deal with?

So hard, how did the op do it????

schoolchauffeur I think your ideas are spot on. Good for you for being so thoughtful and reasonable and realistic about it all - and respectful of their relationship. I'm of the same school of thought as you.

My DD was 16 when she started going out with her (first and utterly gorgeous in every way) boyfriend. She happened to already be on the pill for her skin.

My rules were that he had to sleep in our spare room and she stayed in his Mum's spare room but they had plenty of time and space to be together and I turned a blind eye to what went on after DH and I went to bed as long as they actually slept in separate beds.

After a few months she discussed with me that she was ready to lose her virginity. I told her I would rather she waited until they'd been together for a bit longer but that it was her decision. We discussed it at length - all the different aspects - I asked her to think about how she might feel if they had sex and then split up and what our plan would be if the pill were to fail and so on and she didn't change her mind. She lost her virginity with him age 16 when they'd been together for about three months.

She's now 17 (he's 19) and they've been together for just over a year and they are more in love than ever - great kids, hard working, ambitious, doing all the right things, spend lots of time with both families... I gave up the "you have to sleep in separate beds" thing a few months ago because it seemed farcical so they now sleep together here and at his parents' too.

I'd rather she was in a good, loving relationship having loving, safe, healthy sex in a cosy double bed with one lovely boy rather than having drunken shags at teenage parties and being gossiped about like some of the girls.

OP keep doing what you're doing.

Hi balancein2012- thanks for your reassurance and helpful comments- will have another discussion with her when the time is nearer about how she would feel if they split up etc. At the moment that thought is so far away from how she feels I know I would be wasting my time (!) but they have a tough few months coming up with several enforced longish periods when they won't be able to see each other due to a school exchange programme for the BF and study leave for DD for exams- plus family Easter holidays on opposite weeks- I think this might be a bit of a wake up call for how they will cope with the future. He is in school year below DD and will still be doing his A levels when she is either in first year uni or on gap year and they are already talking about how they will manage this and seeing that it is going to be difficult, but sensibly seeing that it will give them both opportunities. Teenagers are so interesting aren't they!! Sounds like you did a great job too balancein2012

Mamas12- sounds like our dog is like yours! Last time the bf was here the dog was obsessed with getting upstairs into DDs room- everytime he escaped into the hall way he was upstairs- oh the hilarity! As for the conversation- it was hard to get it started- tried a few times and chickened out, but then events overtook me as I found DD "going in to wake up BF" in her PJs at 7.00am so we got into a discussion about why this wasn't necessarily within the spirit of the rules I had set down and one thing led to another and the conversation went from there. Not sure I would have found it so easy with a DS though- might pass that one on to DH so maybe you will have to ask your ex to do that if you feel you can't cover it from the male point of view. Good luck!

How will you feel about having the BF around the house first thing in the morning, I can remember a friend of mine in a similar situation saying she eventually got fed up of being seen in her dressing gown when she was getting her early morning cuppa or having to 'be polite' over breakfast . Also she said she was OK with the first 'serious' boyfriend but when that relationship ended it had been sort of assumed that all future boyfriends could stay over so just be sure you make the 'rules' clear.

Yup what is it with the dogs??
I see that it just happened naturally with you, that's good. How do I engineer that?
Think I will try to 'talk' with ex.
Think you are doing marvelously, do you have any other dcs as my dd is older and this isn't on her horizon yet. I always thought I would be dealing with this with her first.