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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds1 , self harming and poss eating disorder??? Please advise me I don't know who to go to for help!

39 replies

belcantwait · 03/01/2012 14:06

A littlebit of backstory:

Ds1is13, super advanced academically (yeah yeah I know but it's true!!) , emotionally has always seemed a bit 'troubled' iykwim, eldest in his yr at school but friendly with those in yr above. He was dx with aspergers at age 6 but he is vERY high functioning. Came out as being gay in the summer, he seems totally fine with this. We have been mega supportive , we have always 'known' and he seems very confident about it. He goes to youth group once a week specifically for lgbt teens. They all tell me howself assured and confident he is. All good

BUT

I have discovered he is biting himself. On his arms. Badly. Huge red marksSad
I spottedthem and asked him and he told me. They're where his Tshirt would cover so don't think its for Attention Confused

plus the thing that worries methe most is he is restricting his food to thepoint whereyesterdqy he Ate banana and a cracker all day. If I cookhim a fave meal he will eat it. Over summer I discovered a whole drawer dedicated to sweets and fizzy pop in his bedroom. On fb I noticed that hehad written as one of his resolutions was to 'eat less'
He is properly skinny, his collarbones stick out, his once tight 26" wAist super skinny jeansRe hanging off him. Nothing pleases himmmore than being told he's skinny/lost weight.
Oh god writing this down it's glaringly obvious he's got a problem isn't it??Sad WTF do I do now? Why are my kids so complex?????

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Original poster
belcantwait · 03/01/2012 14:18

Bump

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Original poster
belcantwait · 03/01/2012 15:09

Bump

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fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 03/01/2012 15:12

Get a referral for CAHMS. My little brother went through similar and my parents were able to get him help early enough that it never became the huge problem it doubtless would have done without intervention.

Original poster
belcantwait · 03/01/2012 15:17

Thanks for the reply. Do I get the referral thru GP? And do I take ds to gp first? TiA x

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usualsuspect · 03/01/2012 15:19

I would take him to the GP

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 03/01/2012 15:21

It depends if he feels he wants to go with you I think. I'm pretty sure a GP would do the referral without seeing him if you go alone and express your concerns, but by the sounds of things he might be ok with going with you? It's often much easier to discuss things with a stranger than your mum, no matter how close you are. My little brother was restricting his calories severely and overexercising, and with his build (very tall and skinny) it's contributed to him having 2 collapsed lungs in the space of 18 months so this can be very damaging physically, let alone mentally. I think it's great that you both seem so close, and that will work in your favour in the long run I think :)

Original poster
belcantwait · 03/01/2012 15:30

I've told him I'm worried about him and said if it continues I'll have to take him to the doctors. He of course is in total denial. I feel he iscutti g himself off, spends all his time in his room on fb and skype spilling out his angst yet on the face of it he seems confident and well adjusted
maybe I will book 2 appointments together, one for me to explain and the other forhim to go in. Will thegp tell me though what's been said? I guess even if she just does his bmi it will give him a jolt (though it might encourage him more??) he too is tall(5'9 and super skinny) x

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Original poster
belcantwait · 03/01/2012 15:32

Is your brother ok now? Did they ever identify what the cause of it wAs and how didthey treat him? (hope you don't mind me asking)

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fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 03/01/2012 16:13

He's getting there, he's only 17 and tbh I think moving out will do him the world of good. Unlike you, our mother is very closed off, and all of her children have issues of some kind, it's just not healthy to grow up in such a high pressure environment. Could he be feeling the pressure of being so high achieving? I think that for him (and for me when I had to tackle my own problems) having the space to talk about things was all he needed. My mum just doesn't seem to have any interest in the emotional wellbeing of her dc, as long as they're behaving and achieving that's all that counts. I don't think I ever had a conversation with the woman in my teens, I certainly never opened up emotionally to her. So you're already ahead of the game. You need to make it absolutely clear to him that your love is unconditional I suppose, that you don't expect him to be perfect and that it's ok to come to you with his problems. Wether he does or not is up to him, but I know my whole family dymanic would be very different if we ever felt able to be less than perfect.

Original poster
belcantwait · 03/01/2012 19:01

Arse ! I wrote a really long reply and it's dissappeRed!
Sorry for late response I wAs at work and on iPhone and it ran out of charge bloody thing

Thanks for sharing that withme. Is he feeling pressure? On the face of it he OUGHT to be but tbh he just doesn't seem to give a shit! He's got a really important entrance exam next week to a really prestigious school and I have said to him the only way he will get to go is if he properly excels argue exam Ashe would need ascolarship to go astoo expensive for us. Despite the fact he really really wants a place he has done no revision at all be auseappRently itsall really easy Hmm
what I do think is a problem for him is that before now he has never had friends andhe nowhas them and he doesn't understand how friendships work. Add in the monstrosity of facebook and being able to tell the world exactly what he's thinking all the time and itsall gone a bit shit!!!

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noteventhebestdrummer · 03/01/2012 19:25

I am not sure it is good for him to be able to be on facebook endlessly, can you limit it a bit? Controversial BUT maybe link access to it to him eating sensible meals in your company at regular times? You need to make sure he isn't making himself sick afterwards though.

I hope you have a good time with CAMHS but we didn't with DS who was mixed up about all kinds of gender/self-identity issues. He switched into a dazzling display of clever banter with them which they seemed to accept - they wouldn't tell me anything except that he didn't need more sessions :(

The scholarship exam is likely to pick up that he is very bright so I wouldn't stress him out about revision. More important anyway that he goes to a school that will help him than that he goes to a prestigious one.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 03/01/2012 20:03

fwiw bel, I'm one of 5 and my brother and I are the only 2 to go to private school (different ones, his is single sex and I'm not sure that's helped tbh), both on scholarships. He may be blase about it in front of you, but I can pretty much guarantee that he will be feeling the pressure. Even if you don;t show it, he will percieve certain expectations from you and from everyone else as he goes into the entrance exam. I think the most immediate thing you can do is to make clear that it's for his benefit, and you won't mind if he doesn't get in. Tell him that his best is good enough, and mean it. I remember feeling pretty flat when I got the acceptance letter for my school, while my mum saw it as a great reflection on her that her dd was going to private school. Make sure that this entrance exam is about him.

Original poster
belcantwait · 03/01/2012 20:12

I get what you say about the entrance exam though he is already at a private school but they are odd to say the least and somewhat bigoted and inno way encourage individuality. This other school thoughmuchbigger has amazi g facilities and general ethos. I want him to get in for him. The school he is currently at is rubbish Sad but local state schools would be no good for him at all.
Yes def need to limit facebook. Though one of the conditions of him having it was that i had hisogin details so I can see everything (often wish I hadn't seen some things!!)

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girlwhousedtobeme · 03/01/2012 20:40

have been through similar (though not the gay part) over the last few years with DD1. It's hell. And it WILL get worse before it gets better. BUT, he's obviously got you on his side so he's half-way to better already.
The self-harming and the food is all about control. Not control that you don't give him and he wants but needing to control other aspects of his life (school, peers, lack of friends, schoolwork, just keep adding to the list......) However it is NOT about you. Keep this mantra in your head and repeat as necessary 'it is the illness that's making him/her do this'. Always remember it's the illness you're fighting not your boy.
It's a long road and you absolutely need professional help. See your GP asap and take it from there. Listen to your instincts, your boy needs you more than ever. And when he rejects your love, support, attention - that's when he needs it even more. Hang in there, you're doing brilliantly just by noticing it.

Original poster
belcantwait · 03/01/2012 20:43

Thanks girlwhousedtobeme (fab name!!)
In youropinion do you think he already has an eating disorder or is on way to getting one but it's still stoppable??

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Original poster
belcantwait · 03/01/2012 20:45

Meant to add I tried earlier to get GP appt for us to tomorrow but it's that whole annoying 'phone first thing in morning for same day appt' thing Angry

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girlwhousedtobeme · 03/01/2012 20:53

hard to say whether already got one or 'just' about control. He possibly feels impotent about several areas of his life so this is just one (small!!) area where he can do what he wants - and knows he'll get a reaction from you. Try not to comment on food (I know so much easier said than done) and be around him wherever you can so he can just talk if he needs to. I've had some awful conversations driving the car, in the bath or even up a ladder decorating but I think it was about me being distracted enough to not look at her/react and also so I couldn't give her a hug as she really didn't like being held (eventually worked out this meant I could feel how thin she'd got)

You've made the best start in making GP appt - don't let them say you're imagining or exaggerating - mine was excellent but not many are. Remember you know your child, to them they're just another patient.

girlwhousedtobeme · 03/01/2012 20:59

and (sorry missed the biting bit out) the self-harming most definitely is for attention - did he do it where you could see it? He wants/needs you to help him stop it.
That was the worst part for me, still is tbh.
But it is essentially frustration. There is so much anger/pain/hurt/frustration inside them that sometimes it's the only way they can let it out.
Like your son my daughter is also academically gifted but that in itself brings additional worries because they want to be like their friends, not always top of the class with the teasing that brings. At this age they simply want to fit in.

Be sure to mention (and show) the GP the bite marks.

Original poster
belcantwait · 03/01/2012 21:00

May I askhow old your dd was at the time?
Interesting what you say about the hugging... Ds tends to 'hug' at arms length but then that could be an age or aspergers thing too Confused

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Original poster
belcantwait · 03/01/2012 21:03

Oh crossed texts. He's not done the biting for a little while and no marks there ATM afaik but I do have a photo of it on my phone!!! He doesn't show me the biting, I caught him out in his room while he had his top off. Think the food thing has kind of taken over a bit.

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Original poster
belcantwait · 03/01/2012 21:14

Just worked out his BMI as 17.4
No idea what that means though

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percysgirl · 03/01/2012 22:09

Not much helpfulness from me, but just wanted to say I hope you manage to get a drs appointment tomorrow. Let us all know how you get on xx

Original poster
belcantwait · 03/01/2012 22:16

Thank you, will do Smile

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Original poster
belcantwait · 05/01/2012 14:52

Just thought I'd update... Still biting himself, I noticed yesterday, he says it's addictive Sad
have made gp appt but couldn't get a slot til a week today.

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HSMM · 05/01/2012 14:58

IGP referred my DD to CAMHS without her being present