Ds1 , self harming and poss eating disorder??? Please advise me I don't know who to go to for help!

[belcantwait]

A littlebit of backstory:

Ds1is13, super advanced academically (yeah yeah I know but it's true!!) , emotionally has always seemed a bit 'troubled' iykwim, eldest in his yr at school but friendly with those in yr above. He was dx with aspergers at age 6 but he is vERY high functioning. Came out as being gay in the summer, he seems totally fine with this. We have been mega supportive , we have always 'known' and he seems very confident about it. He goes to youth group once a week specifically for lgbt teens. They all tell me howself assured and confident he is. All good

BUT

I have discovered he is biting himself. On his arms. Badly. Huge red marks
I spottedthem and asked him and he told me. They're where his Tshirt would cover so don't think its for Attention

plus the thing that worries methe most is he is restricting his food to thepoint whereyesterdqy he Ate banana and a cracker all day. If I cookhim a fave meal he will eat it. Over summer I discovered a whole drawer dedicated to sweets and fizzy pop in his bedroom. On fb I noticed that hehad written as one of his resolutions was to 'eat less'
He is properly skinny, his collarbones stick out, his once tight 26" wAist super skinny jeansRe hanging off him. Nothing pleases himmmore than being told he's skinny/lost weight.
Oh god writing this down it's glaringly obvious he's got a problem isn't it?? WTF do I do now? Why are my kids so complex?????

That was my GP, not IGP!

The trouble with AS is that obsessions or addictions are very common.

ds1 went through various stages of being obsessed with various things. When it was sport and healthy eating, things were fine. When it was self-harm or drugs, it isn't so good.

The problem (as I understand it from conversations over the years) is that he needs to feel in control. If he decides what he does and when and sticks to one thing at a time, he feels in control.

With ds the self-harming definitely wasn't attention seeking in any way. He was testing himself, to see how far he could go, how much pain he could put up with, and the distraction (to himself) of the pain taking his mind off other issues. He didn't care at all whether or not anyone knew he was self-harming.

It is likely your son's eating issues and his biting are part of this type of control. It will make him feel better, so he will continue to do it, and so it becomes part of a vicious circle.

He needs to talk to someone who knows about AS, so while you can take him to your gp and discuss the actual health issues (his weight etc), it is the behaviour that is difficult to change.

He needs counselling and CBT, and the sooner the better. The problem with teenagers is that as they get older they refuse to go for help, so the sooner you can deal with this the better.

Thank you both
I don't expect gp to do much other than refer us tbh. Am guessing CAMHS though we have been before and they focussed more on me than him which was pretty useless (the woman the first time had literally no idea about AS and apparently everything was due to me being adopted as a baby mad right??!)
Unfortunatelythe paediatric consultant who dx him and we used to see regularly , can't think of the actual word errrrm, wellbasically said she didn't need to see him again unless we requested it and that was about 2 yrs ago now. However the unit she was working in has been shut down now so no idea where we would go but she would have been really helpful to talk to as she has known him a lOng time.

The funny thing re obsessions is he's never ever been obsessed with anything before. In fact he's never shown interest in anything at all!

My DS is 11 and hormones are raging. He ha started self harming also and will suck and bite the tips of his arms also. We are also having the issue with food and DS has been losing weight rapidly over the last few months. We are already under Cahms so have been referred for art therapy with a psycho therapist. DS starts this next week. I suspect the self harming for my DS is about release of frustration as he does this when he gets angry. The eating thing is defo a control thing as he attends a specialist autistic school and the only thing they can't physically make him do is eat! It's also a self harm thing too.

Hope u get some help soon and it is important to remember its not you. I make sure I tell my DS a lot that I understand why he might feel the need to hurt himself but that it's not appropriate and that we need to find a different way together of managing his emotions / anger.

Crikey Bonkerz, we've got twins!! Sorry you're going through it too :(
Just feel like whatever I'm doing it's not right and that he always seems so intense and troubled

Well I know that feeling well. I feel like I fail my son all the time.

The fact u have noticed and are concerned enough to seek help shows u r doing what u can. Speak to gp about therapies available. Is ur DS on medication? Does he have high anxiety? My DS has severe issues with anxiety that need medicating.

One thing we have done which has made a difference to ds is to get him a punch bag and gloves - now when he gets angry he goes and punches the punch bag (instead of walls and his little brother ), and having got rid of a bit of anger he can then sometimes come back and express how he is feeling.

AS and teenage hormones are a very bad combination . But blaming yourself as a parent is a ridiculous waste of time. I used to that - I wasted years thinking I could "fix" things, whereas in fact I would have been better being nice to myself so I was in the position mentally to survive the teenage years with ds (if that makes sense).

Look after yourselves. It's a tough road, but it does get better.

Google the consultant, by the way - you may well find she is somewhere closeby and you could go directly back to her.

What are the youth services like where you live?

I am an ex-Youth Worker with a DP who runs a first point of contact service for young people to access all sorts of help, from basic CVs to mental health issues, sexual health, benefits etc.

I know that if the cuts haven't hit too badly there will be someone in Youth Services who will help him and you, if you feel that is appropriate.

I'll ask DP when she gets in for some websites etc.

He's lucky to have you.

i can only really comment about the self harming properly yes, it is addictive, i can say that from experience it gives a release like no other, i stopped harming on my own accord, it is kinda an age thing i started about 12, stopped about 16, no-one really knew about it i pretended it didn't happen, my friends knew and were always yelling at me for it and i always covered them up. it's no reflection on you it is a self expression and does go hand in hand with eating disorders (mine was due to depression), it is not a cry for attention unless hes showing you or trying to make you notice them. hope the GP appointment goes well, but i will say now, if your uk, the teen support is not great the best thing i found was counselling through school. but eating disorders there is a lot of help around but you may have to shout and scream a bit to get heard. mental health its worse... believe me (7 years down the line i have now got a diagnoses and on the way of getting medical help) i hope it goes well and in your area there is a good adolecent centre but keep in mind, be there for him show that no matter what he does you love him and be with him at a quite difficult stage of life, especially through any medical things he may go through... he'll need his family to support him, good luck :)

Bel - have just read this thread and hope you have been able to see your GP by now.

My dd (now recovered) has had an eating disorder and I urge you to look at this www.aroundthedinnertable.org/?forum=136439 and this www.feast-ed.org/ . These are sites for carers of those with eating disorders and you will find a wealth of information and support.

A BMI of 17 is very definitely cause for concern and it is certainly the case that malnutrition damages the neural pathways and causes distorted thinking. Unfortunately many GPs are not terribly well informed when it comes to eating disorders - but I hope yours has been helpful. Your ds needs help immediately - please come and look at the information on the other sites

thanks for the update belcantwait. sorry not good news but been thinking of you. I know it seems a long time to wait (and it is!) but try and think of it as a time to gather your evidence, and plan what you want/need to say.

Wouldn't exactly call biting addictive, more that he likes the feeling of release/relief he gets from doing it. Will hurt later though so try and direct his attention to that part not the actual reason why. Could also try to put cream, arnica or something (anything) on them for him - he will probably resist - but it shows you've noticed and care enough to try and do something. Think twisted logic and you're getting warm!

My daughter was 14, almost 15 (end of year 9) when she started. Bitches at school kicked it off though was told anything could've tipped the balance so trying (and still not succeeding) to be grateful to them for doing it then while I was able to help her and not when she was older.

Please keep us updated, and hang in there. He DOES love you, he DOES need you but something in his head is stopping him from showing it.

Hi just read all this. Going through similar experience but am further down intervention line in certain areas. My Dd is 13 and after a long battle has got to right people in cahms after waste of time 6 sessions in 2010. She was referred by school and us for assessment (I provided a long document with her history)... Assessment made but priority with cahms was her weight and apparently aspergers and anorexia often go hand in hand. I had been having her weighed for last year at doctors but they did not really action anything whilst cahms take very very seriously. She is thin but not like scary photos u sometimes see - think her bmi similar to your son. We are getting a lot of support cahms have organised supervised lunches at school (much to dd disgust) we do food diary seen specialist nurritionalist and have weekly weigh ins and therapy sessions. She too needs sugar fixes and used to steal sugar treacle etc and eat in her room - now will do sweet thing like your ds and drink really strong squash. The friendship thing on Facebook also given a chance is a compulsion ....we rein it in and currently she is banned but that is another thread !!! Anyway I think control and anxiety are the key to a lot of my dd problems which is linked to aspergers. You may not want to hear this but she has been prescribed fluoxitane (Prozac) to reduce anxiety and allow her to take on board therapy. Don't know if my experiences helped but cahms referral can be done by school or doctor and you really need to battle for it since my doctor did not act fast enough and am sure if I and school had not pushed I would still be popping into GP for monthly weigh in. Hope this is of sme help. She also has occasionally self harmed by scratching herself

belcantwait

Self harm and an eating disorder often go hand in hand. These are symptoms of a brain disorder and need urgent attention. I am very concerned about the amount your son is eating. A teenage boy needs to eat around the 2,400 cals per day mark. He still has a lot of growing and maturing to do - at least another 2 years worth.

There is a connection between HFA/eating disorders and OCD type symptoms are common.

Please look around the F.E.A.S.T. website (www.feast-ed.org) to understand and recognise an eating disorder. I am a Mumsnet blogger on eating disorders (charlotteschuntering.blogspot.com/) and I belong to the Around the Dinner Table forum (www.aroundthedinnertable.org/?forum=136439), for parents and carers of children with eating disorders. Please feel free to contact me.

There is a certain profile that is more common in children with eating disorders - perfectionism, difficulty set shifting, etc.

Most importantly, if this is an eating disorder (as opposed to disordered eating), please remember this is not his fault. He did not choose it. It is not your fault. You did not cause it.

The statistics for early intervention in adolescents are pretty good nowadays. The longer the eating disorder is left untreated (and it may be a tough battle, considering his co-morbid condition), the more scary the long term effects are.

Charlotte Bevan
Expert Carer, Echo Project, Maudsley Hospital, KCL, London