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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Just had another humdinger with DS

42 replies

TurnoftheScrew · 02/01/2012 22:20

About housework.

God I'm so fed-up AGAIN. I feel like Ds's skivvy slave. I have to get incandescent before he'll lift a finger. The whole holiday he's done practically nothing. I, meanwhile, have cleared up every day. Just had enough.

His attitude stinks. He's just told me to stop nagging and having a tantrum because I shouted at asked him not to bring the enormous Xmas cake into the living room and hack chunks off it while sitting on the sofa.

Anyone got any suggestions about how to get DS (15) to clear up his own mess without me having a nervous breakdown?

Namechanged to protect the innocent.

OP posts:

oflip · 02/01/2012 22:22

ooooh noooo, ive got all this to come i just know it.

im gonna watch with interest.

Can i ask, did he do housework type chores as a smaller kid?

Tortington · 02/01/2012 22:26

there are many techiques that people will tell you

but imo there is no cure

they re selfish bastards until they leave

sorry about that.

people will come long and say things like...family conferences, chores list, talk through the chores he is willing to do nd then write down and put on fridge.

there is nothing i haven't done

it works for a week

try it - try it all....there is no cure.

oflip · 02/01/2012 22:33

awww custy, really, i am absolutely dreading the teenage years, i just cant face them...but they are coming

Original poster

TurnoftheScrew · 02/01/2012 22:38

Oflip yes he did do some things reliably as a littleun. But he's never been naturally tidy as a person.

CC - thanks for that! Perhaps I should be asking how to restrain myself from putting my hands round his neck. How do you survive?

Altho I somehow sound fairly light-hearted above it does really drive me mad and get me down intermittently. It's the arrogance of the attitude that really gets me. It just feels so unfair now he's as capable as me to clear up after himself.

OP posts:

oflip · 02/01/2012 22:50

So it makes no odds that they do chores as littleuns does it.

I regularly have convos with mine (aged 8) about how he will hate us and how we have arguments about his attitude and lack of thought when he is a teenager and he adamantly says "oh mum, i will ALWAYS love you both"
Oh & he is going to snuggle on my knee when he is 25 or 30 for a bedtime story!

HA!!
Im so dreading it.

Tortington · 02/01/2012 22:57

i was taught a great stress busting technique at work once.

take your middle finger and press frimly to your thumb. then think of a place you want to be, a calm place - any place, a beach or something. imagine yourself there. smell the air, listen to the insects and the birds, feel the soft breeze, listen to the waves.....as you are doin this press very firmly your finger and thumb together.

each time you are stressed press your finger and thumb together and it will instantly bring back this memory you created. count to ten

then.... crack open the voddie and pringles

mumblechum1 · 03/01/2012 02:57

Custy.

My ds isn't that bad, but my dh is evidently incapable of putting his crap in the bin. Should I send him off to Uni....

WellHello120mm · 03/01/2012 03:09

I empathise totally TurnOfTheScrew. I have to threaten no laptop to mine, just to get something done. It's all wrong! I think it is a lot to do with their personality too though. I was the model child who never had to be asked to do anything, and used to delight in doing all the housework on a Saturday morning, and couldn't wait for my mum to get up and admire it. I think I've ended up making a rod for my own back, as if something needs doing, then I just get on with it. Now and again I have a meltdown but need to be more consistent really. We don't have chore sharing either, like some families.

One example: as soon as DD gets in from school, I ask her to hang up her uniform and then don't mind if she wants to chill and chat to friends etc. What do you know, I go up and check and uniform is slung in a heap. All I ever seem to do is nag.

noddyholder · 03/01/2012 07:59

Fwiw here is what worked a bit! Ds was a real pain between 16 and 17 butb still stuck to certain rules re money and computer etc although at times it would have been easier to leave the modem on I did turn it off. Most chats did nothing but clear the air a bit for a week. I still was loving and helpful between rows and bit my Tongue and walked away a lot. We were always a united front and picked our fights. Cleanliness and tidy room went out the window but rudeness always challenged. Now at 17 I is like a light went on and he is back to who he was years ago but with a deeper voice and hairy legs! We all get n well and I think it is just time and growing up that cures this. Sadly I now think we will never get rid of him ashe says why would anyone leave home . your ds is a ball of confusion and hormones if youmtake a step back talk and still show him you love him but are boss he will come out the other side. Saying I was disappointed always had more effect than saying I was angry. We are all going to the cinema and for a pizza today which would have been met with a grunt last year

seeker · 03/01/2012 08:05

Decide what your bottom line is.

Mine would be basic courtesy, and common areas of the house kept in a reasonable state.

Then say that you will do nothing for him at all unless he keeps his side of the bargain. And stick to it. Nothing. No washing, cooking,taxi-ing.

percysgirl · 03/01/2012 10:14

Oh Turn - I feel your pain. My 16 yr old DS is a nightmare - his room is disgusting but I do agree that nothing will work! . I have now refused to iron any of DS's clothes (apart from school uniform as I do not want him going to school looking like a tramp) because after standing and lovingly ironing his clothes, I was finding them thrown on the bedroom floor/wardrobe floor/any floor available. This has made no difference - DS seems to like the crumpled look. Attitude stinks (have a look at my earlier thread "I need some advice" - am having a nightmare with DS myself at the moment. Good luck.
Custy, we're all coming to yours later for voddy and pringles

noddyholder · 03/01/2012 10:35

Am just out the other side of this it was awful. What I wish I had done though was walk away from some situations because all the screaming etc got nowhere. My ds still did as he pleased even after a few occasions where we took his key and told him to go! It stopped as suddenly as it started. Some teens just do this I have found that out by talking to other parents. All of his mates are lovely but some of them have been absolute shits at home. They do just grow up eventually but I know when you are in it it feels like it will never stop. Stop internet for hours at a time. And I found not helping with things that he needed help with eg forms and college stuff etc made him stop and take notice. But essentially I said to him that if he wanted to live that way it didn't fit with how we live and is really only for a single existence in a bedsit somewhere so if he continued like that he would have to move out and we would help him find somewhere. He soon shaped up. But essentially it takes time xx

noddyholder · 03/01/2012 10:36

meant to post this on percys thread

Original poster

TurnoftheScrew · 03/01/2012 10:51

Thanks for the replies. Feel very depressed about it all this morning.

Like you Percysgirl, I am thinking I am just going to stop doing all housework so he can see how much I normally do do. But we go back to school/work tomorrow and I really would prefer there to be organisation/no atmosphere - and he's got exams next week. Errrrrgh may have to suck it up this time.

Seeker - I do insist on a bottom line of respect. You will often hear my 'I will NOT be spoken to like that in my own house by my own son' or 'speak to me with respect or not at all' lines. But last night he called me a bitch which I particularly hate as a sexist name, not to mention being told to eff off more than once. OTH when my little dgc's come to stay he is really lovely and incredibly helpful then, and has been each and every time so I know he can do it. He can be very considerate and really kind sometimes, it's just that I want it worked in to the ordinary, everyday part of life too.

I suppose he will grow out of it. What I often think during these 'episodes' is that I've got to fight these battles with him now so that the woman he eventually ends up with doesn't have to. It's partly a gender thing, I would hate to think I'd sent him out in to the world as an entitled male who expects some woman to always be there to clean up after him.

Yep definitely there for the vod n pringles Custy. I'll try that finger thing.... just having difficulty envisaging a lovely calm place atm!

OP posts:

percysgirl · 03/01/2012 12:14

Thanks noddy for your comments.
Turn - I still wash DS's clothes, I just refuse to iron anything other than his school uniform. I do not tidy his room either (and it has that very unpleasant teenage boy smell going on if you know what I mean!). I told him that if he wants to live like a pig, just make sure he lives like that in his room and not the rest of the house as the rest of the family don't like it. Seems to work on that front.
On the other hand, DS is being absolutely vile to me - told me to eff off on NYE when I refused to let him out of the house blind drunk (again have a look at my earlier thread).
Am also going to try that finger thing - perhaps there'll be another thread from me on how to repair broken finger tips! lol :o
xx

Beamur · 03/01/2012 12:37

My part time step teens are angels in comparison - but lazy, grubby angels no less! We don't have set chores but the kids will help when asked - up to a point - the quality of the finished job isn't always quite up to scratch but I'm happy to accept the effort. I have found that picking the battles that really bother me has helped, like with laundry - they were both just leaving dirty clothes where they took them off, I provided them with a bag/bin in their bedrooms and said I would collect clothes from these receptacles only and wash them. After important clothes got left dirty on the floor, this did catch on, and I'm not too draconian about it. Being spoken to politely is a must though and both kids are respectful and pleasant, pretty much all of the time. I suspect my DSS might be slightly less amiable to his Mum though.

To some extent though I think some kids are tidy and helpful and others are not, in the long run I think Mums/Dads attitudes will pay dividends for future partners though! I wish my MIL had done less for my DP..

cyb · 03/01/2012 12:45

My d is a slattern of the highest order but I dont let her compaining about how hard done by she is affect me. I fully expect her to moan and whinge and answer back, but I repeat myself ad infinitum to do the basic thinsg I have asked her (it might be as simple as taking the bowl of curdled cereal milk out of her room).

I dont care if she hates me for a day. She always comes round (especially if she wants something) I LOVE to say, if she refuses to do as I've asked 'Ok. I will remember this' then refuse to help her next time she needs something

Try not to let the attitude affect you, tough I know but youre the one who eneds up gettnig your blood pressure up, not them

But I would NOT stand for being called a bitch by my own child!

noddyholder · 03/01/2012 12:54

My ds has just come down with a bag of crap and a few manky glasses of curdled milk etc. He has the hoover up there and the wipes and he was only asked to do it by dp ONCE! Last year this would have been a major row and the room would still have been a tip . But he knows now that it has to be done and he also wants a quiet life i think. Plus we are going to teh cinema and pizza this afternoon and he knows from past experience that we will walk out the door without him without a backwards glance if need be. Hang in there but don't take shit.

cyb · 03/01/2012 12:56

I think the drip drip technique (sorry Cusratdo) rathr than all out fighting is better for our nerves and the consistency hopefully means they realise we are never going to shut up!

cyb · 03/01/2012 12:57

Not sure how this works with wilfull teens who just say eff off and walk out of the house though. My experience stretches as far as domestic chores (so far)

noddyholder · 03/01/2012 13:03

I agree have wittered on about the same things for years never changing the record. Ds insists his friends parents don't have the same demands but I have just kept saying well I do until he relented. Also the less rows and the more good times ds sees which side his bread is buttered and how he seriously misses out when he is an arse. Ds has walked out before and i was distraught but interestingly I took a bottle of wine round to his mates mum (where he stayed) over xmas and she said he was timid as a mouse while there and really missed us and couldn't understand why we didn't ring! I meanwhile was imagining him living it up in a more liberal household but it was far from teh truth.

cyb · 03/01/2012 13:15

Yes they are always very quick with the 'None of my friends have to...' or 'ALL my friends are...' to which I reply I COULDN'T GIVE A MONKEYS

Too many parents worried about being friends with their children and not upsetting them IMO

noddyholder · 03/01/2012 13:22

That is my dp's fave saying

Tortington · 03/01/2012 17:14

here here!

your absolutely right cyb - there is nothibng else for it but the broken record technique,

Hullygully · 03/01/2012 17:21

I have another one too. I stand there like a robot and talk in a robot voice, "You must go to sleep now you must go to sleep now you must go to sleep now/ tidy your room/ whatever." Dd hates it but I tell her it's her choice, we can be fairsy squaresy and pleasant, or she can have the robot parent because I refuse to spend my life getting wound up and shouting.

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