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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Just had another humdinger with DS

42 replies

TurnoftheScrew · 02/01/2012 22:20

About housework.

God I'm so fed-up AGAIN. I feel like Ds's skivvy slave. I have to get incandescent before he'll lift a finger. The whole holiday he's done practically nothing. I, meanwhile, have cleared up every day. Just had enough.

His attitude stinks. He's just told me to stop nagging and having a tantrum because I shouted at asked him not to bring the enormous Xmas cake into the living room and hack chunks off it while sitting on the sofa.

Anyone got any suggestions about how to get DS (15) to clear up his own mess without me having a nervous breakdown?

Namechanged to protect the innocent.

OP posts:

Dee03 · 03/01/2012 17:29

Is your ds my ds

OlympicEater · 03/01/2012 17:44

Oh dear this thread makes for scary reading. I don't have it to bad atm but am under no illusion that this is the calm before the storm.

If mine are unhelpful or refuse to do something then they get the same back when they want cash / lifts /phone top ups etc.

Clothes not in laundry basket don't get washed; I won't tidy their rooms but will hoover the floor if it is clear, if it is really bad then I shut the door on it.

If they leave their crap around the house then I bin it 10 minutes after asking for it to be moved. After DS spending 10 minutes scrabbling through the kitchen bin for his phone and another 10 cleaning remnants of dinner off it, I've never had to do it again

Original poster

TurnoftheScrew · 03/01/2012 23:49

Well we talked at his instigation and he has agreed to stick to chore list. He's also said after his exams next week he's going to do the shopping and meal planning online within the budget I set. We'll see.... I have heard it before and it usually fizzles out after a few weeks. Still at least there will be a short respite hopefully.

Will try to stay robotic and avoid short-circuiting.

It is surprising really that he's got this attitude because other male family share childcare and housework with their partners equally so he's got 2 excellent role models and I know DS looks up to them.

Reading all the other posts I think it really must be a teen thing. I suppose we've just got to look forward to the day their better selves re-emerge.

OP posts:

tokenwoman · 04/01/2012 08:25

OK this is what I do/have done with some success with my teenagers. Everyone (no excuses allowed) spends half an hour a day doing chores at the same time, each is allocated tasks and everyone can see that we are all doing the housework, no one is allowed to play/go back to their own lives until the house is clean so in effect you get an hour and half of cleaning done by everyone. They all know how the house is supposed to look once chores are finished and they try hard to achieve these standards, they know it is expected of them to help out and have always done so from an early age
Mine are now 18/19 and a phone call/email half an hour before I get home from work reminding them to clear up works wonders.
Its usuful if they get some forward warning that tidy up time is coming so that they dont start a brand new online game with their buddies just as you need them for chores and a set time each day for everyone to muck in is useful
they are capable of hoovering, washing up, putting the washing in the machine, putting the rubbish out, empting their rooms of cups and wrappers and bottles and general tidying, even the garden once a month is part of this process, they are not too good on bathroom cleaning, dusting, the ironing or putting clothes away but hey you can't have it all
PS they even cook their own meals

tokenwoman · 04/01/2012 08:26

and they are both boys !

Theas18 · 04/01/2012 08:34

Black bag. Pick up and black bag anything of his that is in the wrong place , then, depending on how you feel at the time, open the door and chuck bin bag into room or open the bin and drop bin bag in (or hide it in garage!).

Pick your battles and the sanctions associate with them. I can understand the cake thing was a "last straw" but he wasn't tearing it with bare hands or eating something he'd been told not to I assume?

Give up on shouting an incandescence it doesn't work. I give 3 warnings- 1st spoken with then "yeah OK" type response then again with what ever gadget he's on off, then I act on what ever sanction appropriate (if I said "I'll cut the plug off that if you don't do X then I would- never had too though!).

I gave warnings re the smell in his room- I'll tidy iif you don't "no mum I'll do it it's MY STUFF" etc and then after 3 asks I did it when hewas out (the smell was 3 sets of mouldering rugby kit and what had been wet sweimming trunks!)

Chandon · 04/01/2012 08:45

Sorry, maybe I missed it, but do you have a partner?

I find that children often take their cue how to treat you from how your partner treats you.

If my DSs would call me a "bitch" there would be serious trouble from both me and my DP. The would have no phone, spending money and a curfew!!!

MJinSparklyStockings · 04/01/2012 08:56

I ended up kicking DS1s bedroom door off it's hinges after he swore at me once to often and hid behind it.

At the moment it is not replaced as I refuse to give him the respect of having one until he starts showing some respect for the rest of us. This was accompanied by ringing his father in hysteria and making him go there for 10 days.

Since he came back (week before Christmas) he has been much more pleasant generally, not so nasty all the time.

Dooris being ordered Saturday if his room is tidy.

I wouldn't recommend losing it like I did - but the 3 things combined seem to have worked.

Ds certainly had a shock at his tiny little mother kicking his door apart with my bare foot!!!

This was also after a 3 warnings - get out from behind that door and apologise for swearing or I will take it off it's hinges, 2nd warning repeat, 3rd warning and off it came (end of tether time).

MJinSparklyStockings · 04/01/2012 08:56

And dh is an excellent role model - so he isn't emulating.

MJinSparklyStockings · 04/01/2012 08:57

I ended up kicking DS1s bedroom door off it's hinges after he swore at me once to often and hid behind it.

Since he came back (week before Christmas) he has been much more pleasant generally, not so nasty all the time.

Dooris being ordered Saturday if his room is tidy.

I wouldn't recommend losing it like I did - but the 3 things combined seem to have worked.

Ds certainly had a shock at his tiny little mother kicking his door apart with my bare foot!!!

This was also after a 3 warnings - get out from behind that door and apologise for swearing or I will take it off it's hinges, 2nd warning repeat, 3rd warning and off it came (end of tether time).

Original poster

TurnoftheScrew · 04/01/2012 21:16

I agree totally, incandescence doesn't work

Will try the bin bag thing and there are actually loads of sanctions I can impose as DS does a fair amount of activities that he relies on me to fund and taxi for.

Moral of the tale I think for me is that I definitely need to keep the moral high ground so that there can be no justification in his mind that swearing at me is warranted.

OP posts:

Original poster

TurnoftheScrew · 04/01/2012 21:18

MJ - Thanks for your it post, hope your foot is ok

OP posts:

spendthrift · 04/01/2012 21:30

A v successful mum i know operates the fining system - each infringement has a standard fine. 3 boys. They soon learned. But a young woman of character told her mum - diff family - where to go and said she would get a job to make up for the loss of income, and did. So it depends on the child, I fear.

Am about to try the former re dirty clothes in room as really v unpleasant (understatement), at same time as setting up allowance... not a good idea?

Beamur · 04/01/2012 21:43

Age 15 I refused to do anything ever again for my Dad and went and got a job instead so I could refuse pocket money. I was still helpful to my Mum though (she is nice, my Dad is an arse)
Interestingly, we have accidentally found the best way to get DSS to do housework/tidying is to let him have the house to himself for the weekend and go away - when we come back even the recycling has been put out - this NEVER usually happens. I don't think I would recommend this as a general technique though.

seeker · 04/01/2012 22:01

Am I being ridiculously idealistic here- and is my teen an exception? But I wonder whether the issue is them seeing it as helping mum and dad, rather than contributing to the community they live in? As if all the work should be done by mum and dad- with kids helping them, rather than everybody pitching in to make things run smoothly. So, not "set the table" but "everyone's hungry- you grate some cheese, you get the pasta on, you get the sauce out of the freezer, and I'll set the table"

Does that make sense? Tidying up for the sake of it seems pretty mindless to most teens. Tidying the table so the family can eat has a purpose and a reward.

spendthrift · 04/01/2012 22:30

seeker - that works for us when DS is with his lovely cousins.

But when left alone, he has a tendency to leave his revolting socks around, not to mention much worse. And if they are in his room, his logic is that if he doesn't care, why should we? For the sake of our house and his future partner/s, there needs to be a sea change!

alemci · 04/01/2012 22:38

I have given up. None of mine have cleared up their rooms over the holiday. dd's are busy with exams and course work in 6th form so I have let it go.

would rather do some tomorrow myself whilst they are not there but don't tend to go in their rooms.

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