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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Hygeine (TMI)

31 replies

hairnets · 09/12/2011 09:53

My DSD seems to be seriously lacking in the hygeine department. It's very weird because she is literally obsessed with perfumes and make up and with styling her hair/ wearing nice clothes etc but when it comes to washing etc there is just nothing.

She doesnt change her underwear - ever... she wears the same pair of pants from when she arrives on a Thursday afternoon until she leaves on a Sunday night. I've tried buying her pretty pants, grown up pants, kiddy pants, french knickers, boxers etc but she just doesnt change them.

If nagged for some knickers to go in the wash she will produce washed pairs from her draw and swear blind that they've been worn. When I found a pair that she had changed a week or so ago they were literally hard with crust and stank.

The other problem is the issue of her period... she doesn't shower when she has her period at all. This morning she got up and her tampon had leaked, there was blood all down her leg and she had blood on her fingers too (I said TMI!) I gave her a hug and said never mind, jump in the shower - she said she couldn't be bothered and would just use a wipe!

I'm not allowed to nag her because I'm "not her mum" but all of this is really grossing me out and I am actually feeling a bit queasy sometimes when in her presence (awful, I know!)

Any tips?

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humptydidit · 09/12/2011 09:59

OMG, that sounds horrendous. I totally understand where you are coming from, I practically want a shower just reading that Sad

What about running her a bath with bubbles etc and "inviting" her to get into it? I mean make it appealing?

Failing that, maybe the honest approach would be better. Sit her down and tell her straight that it's actually quite disgusting and if anybody found out they would be horrified and she would never hear the end of it at school?

Sorry, I feel your pain!

mrsjay · 09/12/2011 10:01

one of my dds had a hygene issue when she was younger she was a lazy sod ! I would threaten to tell her dad about the period blood may shock her into taking care of herself , thats what i had to do , i didnt tell dad though but the thought of embarassment may work , This was my last resort as i went through the same with mine new pants nice pants , tins for her sanitary pad so she wasnt embarassed going to the toilet . Sometimes harshness works , , or tell her she smells through her perfume , i know i sound really horrible but sometimes they need it , what age is she ?

Original poster
hairnets · 09/12/2011 10:05

She's 12, almost 13. She doesn't seem to have that embarrassment factor with her Dad (I guess that's a good sign really) but the other day she changed her sanitary pad in the car while he was driving and she was in the passenger seat! He was mortified.

She also leaves used pads in the bathroom next to the loo seat sometimes (I think more out of forgetfullness than anything)

I might tell her she smealls through her perfume (in a nice way) and see if that does any good.

Thanks for reading - I know it's icky!

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Original poster
hairnets · 09/12/2011 10:06

She will have a bath if I run one for her with cnadles etc. so i make sure we do that once over the weekend. The problem comes in the mornings before school when she is smelly but has no time for a luxury bath.
She also wont shower on school nights no matter how appealing the bathroom is... she says she's too tired.

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mrsjay · 09/12/2011 10:08

It sounded like she was about 13 , she doesnt seem to have any boundries does she , ? Not by you but in herself , she will change though but you must stay on her back about this , cos as you said it is ikky .

AmberLeaf · 09/12/2011 10:08

I dont really have any advice from experience [as I only have boys], but from my understanding from friends who have teenage DDs this is not uncommon.

How old is she, has she been having periods for long? I have heard that some girls find it hard to accept the start of their periods and lack of care during is a symptom of that.

A friends DD was like this for nearly a year, dirty knickers stuffed down the side of the bed etc. The phase did pass though.

Im wondering if she feels embarrassed when you directly ask her for her dirty underwear? not suggesting its wrong of you to ask at all but I know some teen girls do feel a bit embarressed about periods etc. Does she have a laundry basket in her room? if not maybe you could get a small one just for her stuff? actually this has reminded me that when I stayed at my dads house my lovely step mum would come in and ask for any dirty washing and if id had any leakage during my period I did feel a bit embarressed even though I wasnt made to feel that way at all I just was.

At my mums there was a communal laundry basket on the upstairs landing and mum showed me how to rinse out my stained knickers as soon as possible with cold water and then they went in the basket.

I appreciate its harder as you are her step mum, how are relations with you and her mum? is it possible that you could get your heads together on the issue or is that totally out of the question?

humptydidit · 09/12/2011 10:09

hairnets is it possible that she is doing it on purpose to shock you?

I cannot imagine why any woman/girl would even dream of changing a sanitary towel in a car never mind in front of their dad or even anybody else????

Is it a rebellion type thing?

TBH if she is bold enough to behave like that, then maybe you should just tell her straight?

Original poster
hairnets · 09/12/2011 10:09

Yes mrsjay - no boundries, that is exactly it.

Okay, I'll keep on at her. I think I'm scared of being the wicked step mother and I know how hard it is to be a young teenager. But something needs to be done I think.

OP posts:
humptydidit · 09/12/2011 10:11

hairnets you're not being harsh, you are doing her a favour ultimately...

Original poster
hairnets · 09/12/2011 10:14

amberleaf out of the question sadly. It's a real shame because I think having us both on the same page could be very useful but If I ever try to talk about anything to do with DSD I am politely told that i am not her mother and that if there are any problems DSD's mum will speak to my DP about them. Which ddoesn't really work as the best Dad in the world wouldn't get what it is like to be a teenage girl Sad

She has a wash bin in her room. What she has been asked is that when I have put either white/ coloured or black washing in the machine, she is to take her washing downstairs and spray stain spray where necessary and pop them in.

But when i tell her the machine is ready she just keeps saying "I'm coming" for about an hour and in the end I directly ask her to get the washing together and she never has any. Apart from if I quiz her on how come she has no pants and that is when she produces the clean ones.

Maybe she is doing it to shcok - I was Xmas Shock at the ST in the car incident.

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AmberLeaf · 09/12/2011 10:15

Just read how old she is, shes still quite young really but its a good time to lay down the boundaries.

Re personal hygiene, I remember my mum telling me at a very young age [about 4 I think] as she handed me a sponge in the bath and told me to wash myself, that its important to wash properly particularly your 'front bum' as the 4 yr old me called it! as if I didnt I would smell and people would talk about me! It certainly stuck with me as I remember it clearly.

I think it would be ok to say something like that.

mrsjay · 09/12/2011 10:16

It must be difficult because your her step mum do you get on with her mum at all ? as long as your not cruel which you wont be , being harsher is ok , i think girls have a hard time realising they arnt little girls anymore ,

Sparklingbaubles · 09/12/2011 10:20

I thought DS1 was skanky because he sometimes forgets to put deodorant on. Poor you OP. Sad

Original poster
hairnets · 09/12/2011 10:23

"i think girls have a hard time realising they arnt little girls anymore"

It's sad they have to isn't it. She started her period shortly after she turned 11 so on one hand, plently of time to work out how to handle it, but on the other hand you can understand why she may resent it!

Her mum and I don't get on at all. We used to, but not now sadly. It's for another thread really but she is very insecure about me and DSD spending time together and me having nay kind of influence on her DD. She isn't the most confident person so anything from me is taken as a criticsm of her parenting.

I realise that ultimately it is most important that she is raised in the way her mum wants her to be but as she is at our house so much I can't really bare feeling so grossed out by her - not really fair on me or her is it?

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Original poster
hairnets · 09/12/2011 10:24

She is very image conscious so I think that playing on the "people will talk about you" angle may work - thanks for that!

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BetterBitOfButter · 09/12/2011 10:25

My sister did similar things (knickers, not washing, leaving used towels lying around - not changing towels in car thing Xmas Shock). It was because she was only 10 when she began menstruating and was not able, as Amberleaf said, to deal with it emotionally. She did grow out of it but that process started after an absolute bollocking from my mum after months of tip toeing around it.

I would suggest talking to DP and see if he will raise it with your DSD's mum as well as laying down strict rules at your home. I also like Amberleaf's mum's straightforward approach on the discussion aspect.

Chandon · 09/12/2011 10:27

I had a problem with knickers when I was a young teen.

I was horrified how "dirty" they were by the end of the day, and I did not want anyone (least my mum!) to see them.

So I never put them in the laundry basket.

Instead, I secretly hand washed them for years, drying them on the radiator, quickly hiding them if my mum walked in....the stress.

If my mum wondered why I never had any knickers in the laundry basket, I gave her some clean ones....

I would have never changed pads in anyone's presence though!!!!

schroeder · 09/12/2011 10:29

Are you able to talk to her Mum?

If so you could find out whether she's the same at home or if it's something she just does at your house. Does she have any other problems?

She might be happier with taking her laundry to her Mum's with her rather than you dong it.

As for baths/showers you just can't let her get away with not having one; she's still a child, ds (13) hates having a bath, but we make sure he has one every school night at least, if I remember correctly we threatened removal of ipod+phone and no computer/xbox time if not.

Changing st in car is horrific.

humptydidit · 09/12/2011 10:32

chandon I can understand that.... even now I hate looking at my knickers and always hide them on the washing line and look longingly at other people's washing and wish mine were nicer Sad

My mum always has been quite open about bodily functions and I remember her raising the issue of stained pants when I was younger and saying that it's normal and not to worry and reassuring me that she has no problem with it and will happily replace pants often and not embarass me!

mrsjay · 09/12/2011 10:33

She might be happier with taking her laundry to her Mum's with her rather than you dong it

thats actually a really good idea for her to take her washing home although with not changing pants there isnt really any washing . maybe you could get her a bag to put her washing in ,

hairnets its sad you cant talk to her mum about this ,

Original poster
hairnets · 09/12/2011 10:34

That's interesting Chandon, I thought for a while that she may be taking underwear to her mum's to wash as my DP does most of the washing which may have embarrassed her. But now we do it so that she can bring washing downstairs and put it in herself so there shouldn't be any embarrassment anymore.

Unless that seems like much harder work than just shoving them in her bag for her mum to do.

I wish i could ask her mum if she does it when she's at her house.

I guess what I may have to suggest to DP is that he speaks to her Mum about it and puts aside the fact that he's a bit cringey about talking about such matters.

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Original poster
hairnets · 09/12/2011 10:37

DSD is with us 3/4 nights a week alternately so it's not really possible (or fair on her mum) for her to take all washing back to hers to do.

I was just thinking baout whether she is the same at her mums and I have noticed that she will wear pants to ours on a Tuesday and come back on a Thursday in the smae pair. So unless her mum is super washing woman, I would say the same thing is happening there.

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mrsjay · 09/12/2011 10:39

I wonder if her mum is scared or nervous to say to her about it maybe trying to save her feeling or ignoring it altogether , I just want to say though it does get better she wont be manky forever , HONEST x

AmberLeaf · 09/12/2011 10:45

Its a shame speaking with her mum isnt an option.

I was the same age when I started my periods, it is hard to deal with it all at such a young age. I remember always leaking because I hated going to the loo and dealing with it, I just wanted to do what everyone else was doing, not run in and change. I remember really hating it.

Good luck with it Hairnets, fingers crossed its a phase and will get better sooner rather than later!

Original poster
hairnets · 09/12/2011 10:45

Tee hee, i hope so MrsJAy. Maybe best just to ride this one out...

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