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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

12 year old son and weed

68 replies

BettySuarez · 03/12/2011 20:01

A few weeks ago I found some messages on my sons facebook account from a friend asking him how much 'weed' he wanted :(

Son was replying back and forth saying 'yeah', how much etc

We confronted him about it and he denied ever having taken any drugs but seemed vague as to whether he intended to get weed from this older boy (our son is 12.5 and other boy approx 15)

We warned him of the dangers of drugs (at length) and have been keeping a close eye on him since.

I have just managed to get access to his Facebook account again and this other boy keeps pestering him wanting to know when he will have the money ready etc. Approx 6 or 7 messages to chace etc.

My son has not been replying (which is at least something I suppose) but nor has he said an out and out no to him or made attempts to block him.

I'm not sure what to do next

Access to my sons FB account is rare and can't ever be guaranteed (he uses my iPhone to Facebook his friends and I only get to 'check up on him' when he forgets to log out)

So I have no guaranteed way of keeping an eye on things iyswim

I have however managed to make a note of this boys name and his email address plus have written down the name of a man who I think may be his Dad.

Should I try to send a message to his dad and arrange to meet up and chat this through? Or should I send a warning email to the son telling him to back off.

Calling the police may also be an option????

Right now I am freaking out so would appreciate some calm sensible advice from some sensible mumsnetters :)

OP posts:

meanmomma · 04/12/2011 21:34

Although if he had used weed already he would have certainly lied about that to you...
Buy a testing kit and ask him to use it? And tell him you will ask him to do that again at random times in the future?
This approach helped us for a while.

Original poster

BettySuarez · 04/12/2011 21:39

We are not trying to punish him as such although he is grounded but it has all been reasonably calm and unshouty.

We have been spending some 'quality' time together today digging out his bedroom .

Viva - I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my posts but I do find your approach a little insensitive

OP posts:

Original poster

BettySuarez · 04/12/2011 21:40

I didn't know you could get testing kits! Will
Google

OP posts:

Get0rf · 04/12/2011 21:43

I also had no idea that you could get testing kits.

meanmomma · 04/12/2011 21:45

you can get them from Amazon! You (someone) has to watch him pee or else face the (even then slightly amusing prospect) that your DS will concoct a 'pee sample' from bathroom liquids and end up with a yellow (but clearly shampoo based) sample which you will sniff suspiciously...

Original poster

BettySuarez · 04/12/2011 21:48

Thanks meanmomma - I'm hoping it doesn't come to that but it is certainly worth maybe dropping it into the conversation at some point!

OP posts:

meanmomma · 04/12/2011 21:52

As much as anything it gives them a reason to say NO - it's the scenario when they mumble to their mates 'I wanna do it but my *** mum's gonna test me so I can't'. Hang in there and keep hugging your lovely boy.

Maryz · 04/12/2011 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BettySuarez · 04/12/2011 22:16

Good advice Maryz I would worry that the presence of a testing kit would appear to 'normalise' things or give an indication of our lowered expectations.

It's certainly good to know it exists though

OP posts:

Get0rf · 04/12/2011 22:16

Blimey meanmomma that must have been incredbly difficult for you to do

I hope your boy is OK now.

meanmomma · 04/12/2011 23:00

I think that at the moment he is probably OK. Yes, it was terrible. The drug taking - which began with weed - is probably the thing which has most affected my life, ever. My parents both died young, I have lots of kids, stuff has happened in my life but the drugs...I can't begin to tell you what I would do if I could go back and stop that happening. My anger (even 2 years later, when things seem level) makes me wake up at 2am every night feeling so scared that I forget to breathe. Do not underestimate what can happen.

Get0rf · 04/12/2011 23:07

Oh I am so sorry. That must be absolutely hideous.

I pray to god that that never happens with dd - it is truly my greatest fear.

Fingers crossed for you that he stays on the straight and narrow.

Maryz · 04/12/2011 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairstiveGreetings · 05/12/2011 08:23

Betty We are not trying to punish him as such although he is grounded

Sorry to keep banging on about this but why is he grounded? I realise that you are concerned that he may have bought/arranged to buy drugs but you have nothing to support this.

If he has done nothing wrong, it seems a bit harsh to ground him on the basis that he might do something wrong! Also, how does he know that you know about 'that' conversation. Did you tell him or is it 'a little birdie told me'. If you want him to be honest with you, you need to be honest with him.

Keep hugging him and telling him how wonderful he is, even when he makes errors of judgement.

Original poster

BettySuarez · 05/12/2011 13:45

Hi Fairstive - the messages that he exchanged with this boy indicated that he did intend to buy weed from him. He asked how much he could get for x amount of money etc etc.

Yes - to the best of our knowledge at least - he didn't go ahead with it (although how much of this was due to the fact that I had intercepted his message?) and we have no evidence that he has done anything like this in the past.

But we are talking about a 12 year old considering taking drugs - we couldn't simply 'let it go'

So he is grounded but we are not shouting and yelling and making him feel 'bad' or 'punished'. There has been no door slamming or bad atmosphere (not to my knowlegde). I suppose we are just trying to buy him and us a bit more time to reflect on what might have happened and to keep him close. Plus to give him a bit more breathing space from this other boy. He seems quite content at home and spending a bit more time with us. It may sound like a small thing but my DH got to spend some with him watching football at the weekend - something they havent had the opportunity to do for ages.

We have had lots of lots of hugs

OP posts:

FairstiveGreetings · 05/12/2011 16:03

That makes sense then Betty. Does he know how you found out yet. Has he said what made him get into the conversation in the first place. I think that part of the reflection should include a plan on how avoid peer pressure, if that's what it was.

Original poster

BettySuarez · 05/12/2011 19:53

I was very upfront with him so he knows how we found out. He is still being a vague about things which makes me think he is either embarrassed or bored about the whole thing

OP posts:

greatdanelady · 07/12/2011 13:03

I feel for you I really do. Just remember that teenagers do thinks and there brains are not fully form as they have no empathy or regard to a situation. I have many children some teenagers and older and have been through the mill with some of them. You are doing the right thing and yes your right you can not curtail all his activities as you have to give and take and trust a little. My friends son was smoking weed and they were horrified and rang round all his friends(some of these were good friends of theirs) to inform the parents. They were told by most that they new about it and "its only a bit of weed". Some parents are so dumb, continue to do what your doing but don't push him into a corner. I have issues with facebook but its like your reading there diary, just try and keep tabs but don't nose in to much as he will become secretive and your get mad with what your reading. Remember some things they put on facebook is for effect within there circle of friends and if he knows you're reading it so do his friends. People who write get rid of his facebook do not understand the power of this thing and what hassle it can cause within his peer group. Build up the trust slowly and make him aware of this and tell him exactly what the consequences are if this is broken. As i said don't push his back up against the wall as its you that will suffer the most emotionally in the end.

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