Teenagers and parties - what age do you let them go?

[hadagutsfull]

DS (14 August just gone) has been invited to 2 parties, one this Saturday and another in a couple of weeks. He has only attended family parties up to now, where there have been more adults than teenagers. The two he has been invited to are 16th birthday parties.

I'm inclined to let him go - be dropped off and picked up at an agreed time - with the understanding that if he puts a foot wrong he won't be going to any more for the forseeable future. DH, however, just says 'No' to both of them (he tends to say no to most things but thats another thread!). He says drinks may be spiked etc, but my view is that we give DS something to take and he sticks to drinking that.

What age were yours when they started going to parties? What (if anything) did they take with them to drink? I'm so tired of being piggy-in-the-middle.

Anyone out there??? All advice gratefully received!

I would let him go

It's a bit awkward for him to go to the first one because we're due to be somewhere as a family that night. I'm hoping that DH will let him go to the second one then, rather than nothing. I'm a bit of a softie - don't want him left out if his mates are going because I know how I'd feel if it were me.

DH is still having none of it at the moment but I hope he's silently chewing it over ...

Well I would let him go, personally, but of course it is up to you. There isn't a huge difference between a 14 year old and a 16 year old. My dd1 went to a right rave up when she was about 15 with a load of kids from school. It was in town (we live in a big city) and they had bouncers on the door, so I was a bit unsure about leaving her there - but she survived to tell the tale. Didn't particularly enjoy it, but she wouldn't have wanted to be the one who wasn't allowed to go, so I let her.

You have to let them do these things!

Do you know that the parents of the 16 yr olds party will be there!

If not i wouldn't let my DS go!

Have you had the talk with him on looking after himself e.g (alcohol/drugs/sex/bullying/peer pressure etc.)

Is he a grown up 14 yr old? What about his mates? ( Do they look out for each other or egg each other on)

Sorry, i have a Ds2 who's 14 and this is what i would want to know!

Thanks both - that's just how I feel figroll - the reality of the party probably won't be as exciting as he will imagine it to be if he doesn't go. I'm concerned for his welfare as much as any other mother but I think DH is over protective at times. When we were talking about it earlier (DS is out) I said that there would come a time when he comes home drunk and throws up and DH said "Not till he's about 18 or 20" - I don't think so!!!

Don't get me wrong, I don't want him to do that (and certainly not at 14) but I think it's very unrealistic to think he won't drink alcohol before he's 18 or so. And the more you aren't allowed to do something, the more attractive it becomes (in my experience).

muddy he says that the parent of the second party has asked his DD for a list of those attending and if they're not on the list they won't be allowed in. I need to check about the first one

He's a pretty grown up 14 year old but not as streetwise as some. There's a little bit of egging on between them but if any of them were in trouble I'm sure they would look out for each other.

I've spoken to him about alcohol & drugs generally and with regard to parties. Haven't mentioned sex with regard to these parties - maybe I'm being a bit naive (can't spell it sorry). You've given me something else to worry about now...

I agree with you Op.
You have to let them grow up and part of growing up is making mistakes!

DS1, went to his first teen party in a farmers barn when he was 14. He never touched alcohol for another two years!

I have to go for a while now - DH & DS will be back in a minute and I don't want them to see what I've posted. Will come back later to see if anyone else has any advice/experience for me. I wish he was 4 again ...

Oooh muddy - that's what you call learning from your mistakes

I'm wondering now what your DS was drinking - I wonder if you'll ever get the full story? There are some things my parents still don't know

My parents' approach with my sister and me was that they would rather know what we were doing than not, so if we were going to be off our faces drunk and throwing up, they would rather it was at home where we could be looked after and not in a random person's front garden. I think you like you've sorted out a really good approach - I hope your DH can come round.

For what it's worth, my parents have never seen me horrifically drunk. My older sister got drunk at a party she was being picked up from - her friends said they were so worried about my dad getting cross at them (my dad had to pull over for her to be sick), but they just brought her home and gave her water then sent her to bed. We had friends staying and my parents had planned a whole day of activities - tennis and swimming in the morning, a long lunch, and then sightseeing. Her "punishment" was that she was treated completely normally - up at 8:30 and had to do the full day with everyone. It taught her to be a bit more moderate, and I always remember how rough she looked the next morning so have always been careful too.

No don't worry,OP.
Just be honest with your DS and bring it up in a matter of fact way.
He's growing up and there's nothing you can do but give him the information and let him get on with it.

I use the phrase with my DS " if you are not happy for me( mother) to find out, then you shouldn't be doing it" when he goes on a sleepover/party etc.

I don't know what circles your son mixes in, but my dds haven't come across drugs at parties just a few alcopops. Mostly they just dance, or mess around - and are certainly not into spiking drinks, etc. I wouldn't have thought that many respectable 16 year olds do that sort of thing!

DD1 has now come across drugs, but that was at uni and she told me all about it (she didn't take them herself, but was in the presence of, so to speak). I like the fact that she actually tells me about it.

I am not into locking my kids away. They need a bit of freedom and trust in my opinion, but of course we all do things differently.

figroll - I agree, they need their freedom, you can't be with them 24/7.

DS2 has a good set of mates from school/cadets and he hasn't been in any trouble up to now! They all stick together and look out for each other!

The parties DS has been to have always had the parents there. That's why i said to OP to check it out.

DS2 does know a few older lads (y11/12), that smoke weed. I just want to keep DS safe and informed!

I think the more open you can be with teenagers the better it is all round!
Even if they don't listen half the time and grunt when you ask them if they were listening.

I have/am always quite frank with my DC.

Hadagutsfull - Yep, DS1 was drinking all sorts that night. It was his first time at a party with alcohol.

Funny though, the next party, the mum of the bday boy , said how nice DS1 was being when all the others were feeling sick and he was helping the mum in the kitchen, stone sober!!
Even now at 20, he only has the odd bottle of ale! He's says he doesn't like being sick!

My DS went to his first party last year, at 14. It was in the village hall, the parents of the girl who's birthday it was were there, he got dropped off and picked up at set time. Apparently one girl had been sent home for bringing alcohol. He had a great time.
About 6 months ago he asked to go to a house party... Parents were away, not in this village.... The answer was no, he didn't argue.
I'd say that if the first one is awkward because of family stuff, say no, but then yes to the second, especially if the parents are taking a register!!
Make sure he has his mobile and you have a contact number for where the party is.
My mum was extremely strict about going out because i once got poured onto the front doorstep by a mate's boyfriend after a vicous bottle of cider (think I was just 17 at the time) So even when I was nearly 18 I had to be in by 11, and I ended up spending a lot of nights at mate's houses so that I could join in, and cut a lot of nights short, and my poor Dad did a lot of taxi'ing that he didn't need to at her insistence, and I told a lot of lies, which I still feel guilty about! One time was enough, you do learn from mistakes!

Thanks for all your comments - I do feel that my approach is pretty much in line with everyone else's. I had a good chat with DS after he came back last night. He seems sensible in his approach to being offered alcohol - if, for example, someone was offering him vodka to put in his coke. We also talked about weed etc. We talked for quite a while and I do feel he can be trusted. He has a good set of friends from school & cadets and none of them have been in any trouble - not that I know of anyway.

DH's problem is that he sees everything from an extreme point of view - once it gets dark all the paedophiles come out, someone at a party will spike drinks with something, etc etc. He always expects the worst - it's very trying to say the least. He did seem to be coming round to the idea - we will see. I think that the more you forbid something, the more attractive it becomes.

One more question - what, if anything, would you give them to take to the party? Or do they take nothing? I'm totally new to all this!

Maybe I'm weird but it has never occurred to me not to let ds go to parties. He goes to loads, at least one every weekend and he still does his school work, so I don't really see it's any of my business to interefere with his social life.

He's 17, which I guesss is the thing. He'll be an adult in 10 months, but when he was younger I would never have stood in the way of him going to parties either. He has a few beers which I buy for him and doesn't get ratarsed.

Some friends of his who have strict parents have to hang around outside Sainsbos asking strangers to buy their alcohol for them. They're the ones who end up completely off their heads on vodka etc, get into fights or end up comotose and covered in vomit.

I have a dd (14). She can go to parties but I wouldn't buy her alcohol to take. I know it is at the parties but I am not going to supply it for her. I probably will when she is older, maybe 16/17, but not yet.

mumble - That's just what I'm trying to get DH to realise - if we don't let him make choices - and learn from his mistakes - he may go the other way and be drinking in the park/behind the shops/wherever.

dexter - Does she take anything at all with her though? He asked me last night if I would let him have a couple of cans for parties when he is, say 16 and I said "probably" but I really don't know what - if anything - he should take if he goes to a party now!

Where are these parties?
If they are at his friends homes and there are supervising adults then I would let him go. You have to start somewhere letting them go and he has to learn what the hazards in life are and how to handle them.
My DS has been going to parties at his friends homes since he was 13. There was definitely no alcohol until this September when they started turning 16. He knows he is allowed a couple of beers or a cider and sometimes he has some sometimes he doesn't.
We have talked to him a lot (and DS2 who has not yet been to a party) about the effects of alcohol and the dangers. He knows for instance about the loss of inhibition and that some people become aggressive.
I would not have let him go to a party when he was 14 where I knew there was to be alcohol.

Sometimes there is alcohol if someone has managed to get some. She knows I won't buy her any and that I would take it off her if I found it. They are 14 - it is too young.

just be glad he is getting invited to parties. As the mother of a DS who is 17 and is never invited to any sort of social gathering I would love to have your dilemma! But then i'd probably be worried about too much alcohol etc

Secret Both parties are at friends houses and - so I've been told - the parents will be there. They are not friends whose parents' numbers I have (I hope that makes sense!) He has been invited with a couple of close friends and I am in touch with their parents. One is very similar to us and won't let her DS go unless ours does, we will take turns to pick up and drop off etc. The other has a more relaxed approach to parenting. Her DS is the youngest of 6 and has been allowed a lot more freedom from a very early age. Not to say that he is a 'bad' boy - he isn't - but they don't appear to keep such close tabs on him as myself and the other mother.

velomum Thats so sad to hear. I hope things improve for your DS Teenagers can be so unkind to each other.

It seems that DH is going to let him go. If he goes to the first one it will only be for a couple of hours because we have to be somewhere else as a family earlier. That might be a good introduction to parties ... I think I just won't let him take anything with him on the assumption that there will be soft drinks available.

Youngest of 6. Wow.
Judging by how much more relaxed I am about everything when DS2 reaches stages I agonised over for DS1 number 6 would be bringing himself up!

I think it's a good start. It is hard when you don't know the parents, so much easier when they were little and we organised their social lives for them.
I am sure he will be impeccably behaved if he knows that you are trusting him.