Very worried 13yr old DD with boyfriend.

[stellsie]

hope I can get some advice please :0
DD 13, 14 in march, has been going out with boyfriend (same age) 2 months. Seems very much like 'first love', really into each other lots of kissing & holding hands, so far so good. Last week at school however DD came home cross/upset that boyf's friend had been 'making up a rumour' & telling anyone who would listen about it; he is I think jealous of them going out. When asked DD about the rumour she said it didn't matter what it was, so I just gave her a bit of advice how to handle this boy, and told her he'd soon get bored. Anyway probably the curious (nosey) side of me kicked in and I looked on her Facebook and read stuff between DD & boyf. and it appears the 'rumour' was actually not just a rumour, and her boyf. had told his friend they had gone 'a bit further' and friend decided to tell everyone. Without letting DD know that I knew this, a couple of days later I had a chat with her about relationships and things other than kissing, to which her response was "mum! I'm only 13!
So I thought well I've given her my advice, I can only guide her on what she does or doesn't allow to happen - but I thought I had got the point across that if the boyfriend had told his friend something then maybe she should realise he might do it again,,, but as I wasn't feeling particularly comfortable about this, I looked again tonight at the messages - and they are both asking each other what age would you have sex :0
And he is telling DD how he was having a phone call with his friend filling him in on details! Now, my question is - do I open up & tell her that I've read the messages? (she knows I have her password, that was the deal that if she had nothing to hide I could look now & then), or do I try ANOTHER chat about being only young, and having to really trust someone before going further with them? If anyone has been through similar, please advise me as I feel worried that i don't know how to help her. Can't talk to DH, she is his little girl! Think he has just got used to her having a boyfriend! Many thanks.

Also forgot to mention, convo also included DD saying 'oh changed my mind, would probs have sex younger than 15/16, more like 14'. To which he replied 'well you know I'd use a condom if u wanted' (that bit I almost screamed IF YOU WANTED?!!!).
she said 'well of course, doh, or I'd get pregnant'. Boyfriend 'yes but I could always just take it out just before'!!!!
This is why i'm feeling a bit sick!
We have met his mum & she's very nice, and me & her had a little chat about how loved up they seem, and she said that she would talk to him about not rushing and being careful! God, she's not even yet 14, I don't even want to think about her talking about having sex!
Also, I feel let down by the boyfriend where he keeps telling the best mate what's going on & DD has had to face brunt of it at school, should I be worried that he is mainly after sex? (he has not been out with anyone before DD not what u would class a proper girlfriend). Thanks again.

It doesn't sound like he's just after sex seeing as how they've been seeing each other for a couple of months and appear loved up, so that's the good news!

The bad news is that the 'but I'm only 13!' is a stock response that teens give their parents when they don't want to talk/admit to what they're up to. My dd1 said the same to me a year ago and it turned out that things quite soon afterwards went further than I (or any other adult!) would be comfortable with.

If they decided that they're going to go further I'm afraid there isn't a lot you can do about it unless you put her under lock and key until you think she's old enough because they certainly don't need a private bedroom to so these things if they're hell bent on doing them.

I think you have to hope that you've instilled in her enough self respect and common sense so far for her to make intelligent choices.

Sadly it is no longer uncommon for teens to lose their virginity at 13/14 these days

On the plus side, if they do go ahead at least she's with someone who seems to genuinely care about her despite his blabbermouth to his friend. Perhaps you could have a chat with her about the consequences of her actions with him if it gets out at school and she ends up getting some very unpleasant flak. Might be a good idea to talk to her about sending any inappropriate pictures by text too, as there was a girl in my area who did this and her picture ended up all over the city within a few hours as the teenagers all forwarded it to each other, which apart from being absolutely awful for the girl concerned also made each and every one of those phone owners liable to prosecution as they then contained sexual images of a minor (she was 13).

Thank you so much for that very sound advice. If DH had his way I think his answer would be lock her away till she's 35! Without wanting to sound 'rude', I don't understand why they can't be happy with the fun to be had inbetween kissing & having sex! I managed this until I was 16, some of my friends were 15, a few older say 17. Why has her boyfriend chosen to tell his mate?? Especially after the other thing he said upset DD. I suppose that's why I am questioning his feelings for her.
I think I'm going to have another chat with her...

Telling the mate is pretty common I would have thought and it's really the mate who should be bloody ashamed of himself for letting it get out to others. I'm fairly sure that when I first embarked on sexual experimentation I would talk to my friends about it, lucky for me they didn't spread it around!

I think most kids will think that the gossip that they've heard is the usual teenage bravado stuff, not really true, and if she denies it and says that he's just puffing his chest then it's likely that they'll believe her eventually (even if it's true!).

I have no idea why they don't wait longer - I didn't wait all that long myself so I can hardly lecture on that score.

Agree with everything Scoundrel has says, it appears that it's more the 'norm' that they are having sex at 14, I can't relate to it at all. We found out that DD2 had been having sex earlier this year and it was a horrid thought, but like Scoundrel says there is just not much you can do without some chastity pants or keeping her under lock and key! DD2 is now on the pill (under our supervision so we can be sure that she is at least mostly protected from coming home pregnant) - some won't agree with that as it could be seen as an encouragement to go ahead and do it but I'll be honest, I would rather she was encouraged to do it with protection, than hoping she/he was bothered enough to use a condom and not daft enough to think the whole 'i'll pull out before i come' thing works. I don't think they need any more encouragement than they already have anyway and they will do it whether they are on the pill, have a mountain of condoms, or have nothing. You have to be realistic, if they are going to have sex they are going to do it, you just have to do whatever you can to make sure she is not unprotected out of desperation. My only worry with the pill is that she'll not bother with protecting herself against STIs but I can't force her to and just have to hope the whole conversations about it sink in.

Oh, and yes, don't believe the 'but i'm 13 I couldn't possibly be having sex' bumpf, DD2 said that too and it was BS.

Thanks for replies. Not sure how I'm going to approach the subject - it's hard when she gives it the horrified 'mum! I'm only 13!' routine. What do u think about telling her I've seen their messages? Because I'm not sure how to bring it up; do I go down the route of "you may be considering taking things further....." - which could sound like I'm encouraging her - when I then want to frighten her with the downfalls of having sex too early on. ie. how she will feel afterwards, the condom splitting & risks of pregnancy, boyfriends mate telling all & DD having to put up with everyone talking about her. etc.
I think if I'm really honest I would like to say to her at LEAST wait until you are 14, have been with the boyfriend 6 months by then, and (although I wouldn't say this bit) - the 'perfectness' of boyfriend might have worn off a bit by then!

What a situation. I've a friend who was a grandma at 28, she had her baby when she was 14 and her baby had her baby when she was 14. Be careful.

Yes exactly this is why i'm so worried,,i dont want her to go off and do something that a) she regrets, and well i cant think of a b), i'm just worried!

kids these days are exposed to a whole lot more than we ever were

the internet is to

blame I think

will watch with fear interest

Has she seen the video of the girls whose boyfriend posted her pictures on facebook? I think it was made to warn teenagers about the dangers, I don't have a link maybe someone else can help.

In the imediate short term that would be my concern. It sounds to me like that side could escalate very quickly.

I wouldn't tell her about looking at messages, I don't think. She will be furious, humiliated, and unable to hear the other things you need to say to her. I would definitely talk to her about sex and go into detail about birth control. I would also give a very strong message about abstinence, but tell her that whatever happens she can always talk to you without fear.

D you mean the CEOP Sexting video?

Another watching with interest.

DD1 is 14, had various boyfriends which have never amounted to more than a bit of kissing - if that. However her latest crush is a Y11 boy (ie 15/16) and he seems quite enamoured in return. At least I hope he likes her and is not just prepping her because she likes him so much

We have a similar rule about FB etc. In fact I was going to have a gander this morning.

I would give anything to be back to the days where she was having toddler tantrums instead of this gnawing worry all the time.

thank you all i have decided not to tell DD that i've read the messages. however, i will be having another chat about sex and birth control, and other stuff that goes on before sex. just spoken to my mum and she suggested maybe i talk to a nurse at our local gp's, as they can give advice too. the other thing my mum said is make it as difficult as possible for them to be alone together too much, restrict seeing him to 2 nights in the week and 1 day at the weekend maybe. and i will also try and get her to understand that its better to wait till she's a bit older and has been with boyfriend longer.

buttonmoon78, yes i would also be worried if i was in your (similar) situation, and I suppose your DD's boyfriend being older you worry that he will 'expect' things to happen faster. God, who'd have children!!

So.......3 weeks on, I thought I would give an update! (actually that should read "ask for yet more advice"!)....DD and boyfriend still going strong. A couple of weeks ago me and DH had another chat with DD about, well everything to do with sex/not getting pregnant/STIs/boys enjoying the chase etc etc. It seemed to go ok; something must have sunk in as DD told boyfriend on facebook messaging that she wanted to wait a while before having sex. He said he was happy to wait too. She got invited round there last week after school - mum was there - and they had dinner. When DD came home I asked how it had been and she said "god BF's mum hardly ever checks us upstairs, unlike YOU"!! Me and DH looked at each other like rabbits in the headlights! Anyway, at the end of last week BF messaged DD saying he had had an argument with his mum and his punishment was that he wasnt allowed round our house 'for a very long time'. When DD asked him what argument was about he just said "oh mum's just being a bitch"... DD told me all this - I didnt read it Weekend just gone as BY was at his granddad's for the night and we had family birthday, they didnt see each other.

Anyway DD's school is shut tomorrow AND Thursday (occasional day), BF has invited her round there - his mum will be at work but his nan will be there. DD asked me if she can go - I said I would think about it, DH is away and he said to DD when she asked him (in front of me) "I think this one is up to mum". Thanks! When I suggested to DD that they go OUT together somewhere like the cinema, bowling or wherever, she just said they didnt want to do that, they want to go to his house. Now, am I being cynical but do you think he could be lying about his mum saying he cant come to our house for a very long time and it is his way of getting DD to go to his? Do I let her go? After all the talks we have had, I dont think there is anymore information I can give her (scare her with!). But I obviously dont want her to go round there - for the whole day!! - and do something that she may regret.

Thank you, looking forward to the replies/advice/opinions, X

By the way, I am at work all day on Thursday and we told her a couple of weeks ago that she would not be allowed BF round ours while no one was home.

I think you should have a word with bf's mum to double check Nan is going to be there all the time and stipulate that you don't want them shutting themselves away upstairs. Good luck.

Mmmm, I think in your shoes I'd have a big talk about waiting, not rushing in, etc. I'd then march her down the GPs and get her started o nteh depo injection or implant and also have a talk about using condoms still due to STDs.

I would rather take the risk that she sees this as a green light and maybe does things slightly earlier than she would otherwise have done (and lets face it she sounds close to doing it) than she does it anyway and he convinces her that withdrawal is a good method of contraception.

Does she know her boyfriend is telling his mate personal stuff about what they have done, or have not to show off?

I wouldn't let them be alone for the day as they have shown that things are progressing a bit quick.

Thanks for the replies, Crumbletopping - I did think I would text bf's mum - although having met her a couple of times, although she is nice, she said the 'chat' she had with her son was mainly 'dont for godsake get a girl pregnant' and when I text her last time to check she was going to be home when DD went round there after school she didnt reply! When I asked BF he said that she had replied but from her new phone? - but I havent changed my phone so..? I suppose I could text her and hope she replies!

VivaLeBeaver - you see me & DH have only approx 2 weeks ago, done the big chat about not rushing in, STIs etc. Whilst I want her to be safe I really do not want to encourage her or as you say give her the green light. She is SO young!

TheOriginalFAB - yes she found out that BF told his best mate stuff, as best mate ribbed her about it at school - so she told BF if she couldnt trust him to keep things between the two of them, he would be dumped. So he has promised not to tell best mate. Hmmm, let's wait and see.....

God, I agree with what another mumsnetter put the other day - bring back the toddler days!!
X

She is so young but as a midwife I do see 13 and 14 year olds on the labour ward.

I would set some kind of test for the boyfriend tbh and also suggest to your dd that she waits to see if he really can be trusted before she shares such intimate things with him.

Well its the morning of the day that DD wanted to go round to BFs with just his Nan there She hasnt mentioned it the past couple of days but I had already said to her that speaking to DH we had decided we didnt want her going round there, at least until his mum was back from work. HOWEVER! I have just been reading their messages from last night and DD has asked him if he wants to come round here He asked what time I would be out at work,,,I get home at 3:15 usually and have my lunch at work. But TODAY I will be forgetting to take my lunch in and will have to come home at 1 to collect it. I'm also going to say to DD as I leave, "remember you are not allowed BF round here unless I'm home". Then I might add "I am trusting you, dont let me down as you will find yourself in very big trouble". I have given her money to go to the cinema (which she doesnt enjoy to be honest, it has to be an amazing film for her to really want to go), she has money for lunch out too. So there is no excuse is there?! Well apart from the fact that they want to have a bit of the other in the comfort of my house! Anyway, unfortunately there is no time for me to wait for any helpful advice/replies as I have to get ready for work, but I will report back later X

I hope you weren't let down.

Well OP, hope all ok