15yo DD thinks she is an adult

[jennybee1408]

Hi Everyone

This is my first post so please bear with me...

My DD was 15 last week, and I have had a recurring problem where she behaves herself for a while until she pushes me to the limit and I explode. I try talking to her and we seem to be getting on fine the she does something sneaky behind my back that makes me doubt her. latest example is: she does competitive rowing and I have said no makeup on for training as they get sweaty and it will make her skin break out (she has a few spots but nothing serious) well she was alone in the house and getting picked up by a friend?s mother, she thought my DH would not be back before she went out - but he came back early and she had a face full of slap. She knows she is not meant to do this and tried to lie and make excuses saying she only had a little bit on and it was a top up from the morning. This is the second time in a week we have caught her lying

She seems to think she is some sort of princess, she is spoilt as she is an only child but some of her friends are loaded we are very far from it and I feel that they are having a negative effect on her i.e.: lack of respect of her own things iPod - iphone - etc...

I think everything is ok and then she does something that makes me think I?m wasting my breath. We have in the past confiscated the phone, iPod, grounded her not spoken to her unless essential.

If she didn't lie I think it would be so bad, I just don't feel I can trust her.

How can I build trust, she is basically a good kid, getting good grades and has won a lot of medals for rowing. We are now at the point of saying she will not get to go to rowing training for a week if the lying, sneaky behaviour does not stop. I am really happy she goes to the rowing training as its 5 times as week she is gettting exercise and workign in a team etc...

This might seem a small problem to some but i'm struggling, i had DD at 17 and up until now i've had a good little girl, i know she is growing up and wants to be her own person but if i set rules and boundaries she must obey them ?? right ???

any comments are welcome

A 10 year old won't get fat if they take three or four biscuits instead of two, so the only reason you'd set the limit to two biscuits only would be to get them to get used to controlling their wants. It's a pretty good reason though.

There are better ways to maintain (reasonable) control over teenagers than by setting down rules like you do for kids, but on the other hand...if you make a huge fuss of this transition from childhood to teenhood (i.e. making excuses for the "pre teen"), they'll take advantage of it without even knowing they're doing it. 150 years ago, I bet parents could make up all sorts of rules without their teenagers kicking up a fuss about them in part due to the reason that there were no such things as teenagers. Idea for another thread, perhaps, but parents aren't being control freaks in saying things like "no makeup" to get a little respect!

I think OP comes over as a caring mother trying hard, but possibly it is to hard - and I mean that in the nicest possibly way

i don't think i'm a control freak thanks - i really don't need to be slagged off i'm asking for advice

the make up is really not the issue its the lying.

I wasnt slagging you off I was merely stating what the evidence showed, and I did put

WR-with respect

perhaps it was too strong a word I apologise for using an offensive word.

Can you not compromise with the make up - she can wear it for training if she cleanses after?
On the sexting - when I was 15, I was doing this. No photos just texts. It was for me a sort of experimenting without the danger or so I thought... If mum had read them she would have gone mental and not believed me, but texts were all that happened at that point. I did sleep with him 10 years later

I wonder if part of the OP's anxiety is to do with her own experience of teenage years. You mention that you got pregnant at 17 and that your teenage years weren't good so I guess you have fears about what teenagers get up to that are well-founded. That's not a judgement on you; you sound like you've done a great job of raising a fine young woman, from what I'm guessing might have been a challenging start. The sexting thing sounds like it's really rattled you, and with good reason, but if he's 16 he's unlikely to be a predatory sex fiend, just a daft 16yo. The legal advice is factually correct but unhelpful at this point.
Do you perhaps want to protect your dd from making the same "mistakes" you made? That's what the make-up sounds like, and the reality is that most teenagers not only learn the lessons of their mistakes, but manage to do it in a fairly non-dramatic way, whereas you lost out on the chance to do that as you shouldered your responsibilities in such a grown up way at such a young age.

You and your daughter both sound lovely but you seem quite anxious and I wonder whether an opportunity to talk to someone about whether the source of that anxiety is based not on your daughter's actions but on your own teenage years. Then you could relax and, as many posters have said, not seat the small stuff, and enjoy watching her grow up.

Please know that my words are kindly meant, and in no way do I want to criticise you, so if anything I've said does cause upset ignore it.

thanks BusyBodd :)

we have had a long chat and yes i do feel because i messed up at her age i'm thinking she will do the same - this is probably my greatest fear!

but she is a sensible girl and she is growing up i just need to trust that i have done a good enough job teaching her the right way to go.

I see now the lying is just normal, when i started lying to my parents at her age it was about sex, drugs and men!! so i have automatically reacted to the situations - my thoughts go like this lying = come home pregnant !!! so stupid i know.

i have promised to give her a bit more space and she has promised to be honest with me. I feel all the years before this have been easy, i can cope with tiredness being skint and poopy nappies - i think the next few years are really important in shaping the typre of adult she becomes. and i really really don;t want to mess up

thanks for everyones advice i do really appreciate all your help :) :)

The trouble is- if she can't tell you the truth about the little things without you going off the deep end, she's more likely to lie about the big ones.

I remember being horribly self conscious at 15 and having the same arguments about wearing make up. I was quite good at one sport and was worried I'd be teased for being 'unfeminine'.