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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

15yo DD thinks she is an adult

58 replies

jennybee1408 · 05/09/2011 14:17

Hi Everyone

This is my first post so please bear with me...

My DD was 15 last week, and I have had a recurring problem where she behaves herself for a while until she pushes me to the limit and I explode. I try talking to her and we seem to be getting on fine the she does something sneaky behind my back that makes me doubt her. latest example is: she does competitive rowing and I have said no makeup on for training as they get sweaty and it will make her skin break out (she has a few spots but nothing serious) well she was alone in the house and getting picked up by a friend?s mother, she thought my DH would not be back before she went out - but he came back early and she had a face full of slap. She knows she is not meant to do this and tried to lie and make excuses saying she only had a little bit on and it was a top up from the morning. This is the second time in a week we have caught her lying

She seems to think she is some sort of princess, she is spoilt as she is an only child but some of her friends are loaded we are very far from it and I feel that they are having a negative effect on her i.e.: lack of respect of her own things iPod - iphone - etc...

I think everything is ok and then she does something that makes me think I?m wasting my breath. We have in the past confiscated the phone, iPod, grounded her not spoken to her unless essential.

If she didn't lie I think it would be so bad, I just don't feel I can trust her.

How can I build trust, she is basically a good kid, getting good grades and has won a lot of medals for rowing. We are now at the point of saying she will not get to go to rowing training for a week if the lying, sneaky behaviour does not stop. I am really happy she goes to the rowing training as its 5 times as week she is gettting exercise and workign in a team etc...

This might seem a small problem to some but i'm struggling, i had DD at 17 and up until now i've had a good little girl, i know she is growing up and wants to be her own person but if i set rules and boundaries she must obey them ?? right ???

any comments are welcome

OP posts:

Sanesometimes1 · 05/09/2011 15:33

op, she is lying to you because you are trying to control her, listen to the advice given, no one is trying to say you are a bad parent etc etc, advice was asked for and genuine replies given, it's up to you to listen or ignore.

AMumInScotland · 05/09/2011 15:33

Yes you should let her wear the makeup - I know you are trying to protect her, but at 15 you need to ease up on what you protect her from and what you let her learn by trial and error. And if the result of the "error" is a face full of spots, well the world won't end will it?

If she cries about having them, you don't have to say "its your own fault" in a harsh way. You can gently say "well yes I thought that might happen", or just say nothing and let her work it out herself.

I can see that the sexting has bothered you - you felt you knew her, and it turned out she did something you would not have guessed. And that makes you worry what else she might do. But getting overly controlling/protective of the little things won't prevent her from making big choices you don't like. It is more likely to push her away so that she feels you are "against" her and everything she does.

usualsuspect · 05/09/2011 15:36

Its more important that she feels she can talk to you about things ,even things you don't want to hear

LaurieFairyCake · 05/09/2011 15:39

How about approaching the sexting differently? From a safety point of view rather than anything else.

here is the CEOP (Child Exploitation and Protection Online Centre) video, she may have seen it in assembly but it's great - it makes the point that anything you send out by phone or on the internet can be round the whole school in minutes.

I agree about the make-up, let her wear it if she's allowed to. I would give consequences for the lying not the make-up. With dd we crack down hard on lying as she can't go out/on the internet/ have a phone unless we trust her and know where she is.

GypsyMoth · 05/09/2011 15:41

I watch my dd make their mistakes, even when I've advised them what to do. Then when they need to put it right, I'm there with the correct info. Makes me feel a good mum and does feel like it's my reward for biting my Tongue when they were doing the wrong thing

This usually happens with friendship problems, school work and work/job related things. and with younger dd, her behaviour. I have gained a lot by my teens recently. It's like the feeling you get when you realised they were fully potty trained at last! Nothing quite like hearing 'you were right mum'!

crazynanna · 05/09/2011 15:41

I agree,Usual. The most important thing is the communication. I think I am probably a better parent of little ones than teens/adults,as some of the things I am going to have to hear are sometimes this .
But I always tell my lot, "Just tell me,however bad. I might freak for 10 minutes,but I will calm down,I promise" Then they know what to expect,when I don't

Original poster

jennybee1408 · 05/09/2011 15:42

yes the above is right - i really don't want this to happen. i guess i just need to step back and take a deep breath, have been feeling like i would prefer if she was 5 instead of 15 this is such a difficult time - for her as well as me. maybe i'm feeling it as we were always really close as it was just me and her for years. i really do appreciate all the advice - sorry if i came across snippy.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 05/09/2011 15:44

My girls ate 17 and 15 by the way!

I watched dd 1 head off for a job interview wearing a denim jacket!! I was hyperventilating saying 'you can't wear DENIM!!' she admitted she looked wrong and removed it, but that was when she was waiting outside and saw what the other candidates were wearing!

Original poster

jennybee1408 · 05/09/2011 15:45

She has been punished for the sexting, we printed lots of stuff off of the web about saftey etc... we have now supposedly moved on but i think i am having problems trusting her again

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/09/2011 15:50

Problem is too the sexting could well come back and haunt her in future years. She has no real idea of possible consequences and she is at 15 very vulnerable. She's no adult; nowhere near.

FYI re sexting:-
Are sexters breaking the law?
In the majority of cases, there is nothing illegal about consenting adults using mobile phones to take explicit images of themselves or each other. But sexting by young people is likely to involve "taking an indecent photograph of a child", which is a serious criminal offence. Depending on the circumstances, making the image may also amount to inciting a child to perform a sexual act, causing a child to watch a sexual act, and, in some cases, engaging in sexual activity with a child ? all of which are separate offences. If there is any duress, and another person ? child or adult ? directing the image is doing it for their own gratification, there could also be a separate offence of voyeurism.

Inevitably, sexting involves forwarding images, and there have been numerous instances of images of one child being forwarded to thousands of others. Although receiving the messages is not an offence, keeping them counts as "possessing an indecent image". The longer the image remains on a phone, the more serious the offence. Anyone who then forwards a message with an image of a child is likely to be committing a further offence of "distributing indecent images of children". Any suggestion of malice ? such as revealing images of a former boyfriend or girlfriend after a break-up ? is likely to be seen as an aggravating factor.

Despite having been drafted long before the sexting era, the law is clear on the seriousness of indecent images of children. But the purpose of these offences is to protect young people, so whether the police would initiate a prosecution where young people have acted consensually is another matter.

So far, the criminal justice system has tended to kick in where there is a suggestion of duress, disparity of age, or exploitation, although the rise in numbers of young people sexting could lead to a rise in prosecutions in less extreme cases. There are already concerns that young people are unaware of the serious legal implications that sexting can have.

Original poster

jennybee1408 · 05/09/2011 15:53

she was 14 at the time and the guy was 16

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/09/2011 16:06

Bloody hell; they probably still have no real idea of how serious this is and it may well come back to haunt her in future years.

I would be having a word with Parentline as they may be helpful to you.

Original poster

jennybee1408 · 05/09/2011 16:10

she never sent any pictures it was only text - so thats something to be thankful for

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/09/2011 16:14

Yes but sending such texts over the phone is still a criminal offense. People do get prosecuted for doing such things. She has and had no idea of the seriousness of these types of offenses. If she was not prosecuted she should consider herself lucky.

cat64 · 05/09/2011 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/09/2011 16:21

It is an offence to send an indecent, offensive or threatening letter, electronic communication or other article to another person and under section 43 Telecommunications Act 1984 it is a similar offence to send a telephone message which is indecent offensive or threatening. Both offences are punishable with up to six months imprisonment and/or a fine. Because the Malicious Communications Offence is wider ranging than the Telecommunications offence it is more likely to be charged by the Police than is the Telecommunications Act offence

Does she really understand what she has done wrong here and were you aware that this was an offense?. You talk about punishing her but does she now get the seriousness of what has happened here?. It does not sound like it.

The make up is the least of your problems. You need to get to the heart of why she continues to lie to you. For anything to be resolved you will both need to talk. I suggested Parentline as they may well be able to advise you more re opening the lines of communication. You are her mother and she needs to see you as such.

usualsuspect · 05/09/2011 16:28

I would think that there would be 1000s of teenagers up for prosecution if thats the case then

MinimallyNarkyPuffin · 05/09/2011 16:44

Cat64 the OP said she printed off loads of stuff on web safety. She is also punishing her. A 15 year old knows that she shouldn't be doing it already. They just have trouble assessing risk and remembering consequences. Why do you think the girl wears make up to row and then cries when she gets spots because of it? Our job is to try to give them enough leeway to learn without letting them take too many risks. Teenagers are crappy at applying known risks to their personal situation.

Make up is a safe way for her to learn about consequences. Sexting isn't. Not having her phone in her room will have more impact than all the talks about why it was 'wrong' to sext. I think doing both works.

You need to get to the heart of why she continues to lie to you

Er, because she wants to do things that she is not allowed to do. Pretty obvious really.

MinimallyNarkyPuffin · 05/09/2011 16:45

And how many under 16s are penalised yearly for sexting?

MinimallyNarkyPuffin · 05/09/2011 16:45

By the law

ivykaty44 · 05/09/2011 16:55

I sat here saying noooo, you have a good daughter, she is getting good grades and spending time competing in sport at a high level.

She is lying as she doesn't want to say - actually I think I look crap without make-up on as she knows that you will say Oh but darling you are beautiful without make-up (we all know she is beautiful without make-up) but she hasn't got quite the confidence to go without make-up and knows you will think she is being silly....so she makes excuses, shes not perfect but really is a good girl and not in the scheme of things causing very much trouble

please don't stop the sport/rowing, it is really really important as it will give her so much to her life and if you take that away it could cause far more problems. If you want to punish her do so in another way but not the sport please - there are parents out their who would give their eye teeth to get their dc into sports not take it away, it is such a treasure and keep teens on the straight and narrow

mumblechum1 · 05/09/2011 17:00

I agree with IvyKaty.

You really need to step back and let her make her own mistakes imo.

quirrelquarrel · 05/09/2011 17:32

This attitude of "teenagers are there to break rules" and "that's what they're meant to do" just undermines you and doesn't help us much in the long run. Teenagers who aren't expected to be horrors aren't. When you don't encourage adolescents who don't know much about anything yet to speak out about all their half baked opinions, they stay children for much longer and it's better.

OP doesn't seem like a control freak at all. And anyway, sometimes boundaries should be made just for the sake of having boundaries...

quirrelquarrel · 05/09/2011 17:35

And with that post, I should follow my own advice and take myself off the internet

LeBOF · 05/09/2011 17:38

Well, if it works for you, Quirrel...I expect high standards of behaviour from my 15 year old, and get them, but I'm nit going to pick a fight over make-up. She has never been rude to any member of the family though, or lost patience with her younger sister: that's the stuff I think is important. I certainly don't waste my time thinking up rules just to give myself something to do.

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